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This article is a repost which originally appeared on ZEENEWS
Edited for content. The opinions expressed in this article may not reflect the opinions of this site’s editors, staff or members.
Emotional intimacy plays a pivotal role in male sexual well-being, often underestimated in societal conversations. It encompasses the ability to connect on a deeper emotional level, fostering trust, understanding, and vulnerability within a relationship.
Communication, a fundamental aspect of emotional intimacy, allows individuals to voice concerns, preferences, and insecurities, promoting a fulfilling sexual relationship.
In an exclusive interview with Zee News English, Dr Lalitha Reddy Palle, MBBS, MD, DNB, FICR, Founder, ForMen Health shares if emotional initmacy plays a role in men’s sexual health and well-being.
“Emotional intimacy represents the capacity to establish a profound and genuine connection with our partner, forming the bedrock of strong, wholesome relationships,” says Dr Lalitha.
Dr Lalitha comments further, “This bond relies on transparent communication, trust, and the willingness to be vulnerable, transcending mere physical attraction. The benefits of emotional closeness extend to sexual satisfaction and performance, as it can alleviate performance-related anxiety and pressure, creating a more relaxed and enjoyable experience for both individuals.”
Listening intently, taking a nonjudgmental position, and spending quality time together while cultivating trust are all part of developing emotional closeness.
Building emotional intimacy between partners is key to developing a deep understanding and comfort within the relationship. Such understanding forms the foundation for more fulfilling sexual experiences.
Emotional intimacy can play a vital role in reducing sexual dysfunction. It can help alleviate issues such as erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, particularly when these problems are rooted in psychological factors or stress.
As emotional intimacy grows, so does overall relationship satisfaction. When couples are emotionally connected, they tend to experience greater happiness and contentment in their partnership.
The pressure to perform sexually can negatively impact one’s ability to enjoy intimate moments. Emotional intimacy helps relieve this pressure by creating a safe and understanding space, reducing unrealistic expectations.
Emotional stability in a relationship can alleviate psychological factors that may contribute to sexual problems. It offers a supportive environment for addressing and resolving these issues.
Building emotional intimacy is a shared responsibility between both partners. Encouraging open and honest conversations about emotional needs and desires is essential for fostering a healthy, emotionally connected relationship.
“Emotional intimacy is a crucial component of a satisfying and fulfilling sexual life. It reduces sexual dysfunction, eases performance pressure, and contributes to overall relationship happiness, making it a vital aspect of any partnership,” concludes Dr Lalitha.
In contrast, a lack of emotional intimacy can lead to feelings of disconnect and dissatisfaction, adversely affecting a man’s sexual well-being. It’s essential to prioritize emotional intimacy alongside physical intimacy, recognizing that a strong emotional bond significantly contributes to a satisfying and wholesome sexual life for men.
-END-
While as individuals, we are hardwired to share our issues with our near and dear ones, certain conversations still take place in hushed tones. Sexual wellness is one such topic. Since such issues are not spoken about and people refrain from seeking treatment due to a lack of awareness and right online platforms in the country.
IANS Updated Jul 24, 2022 | 06:43 AM IST
This article is a repost which originally appeared on TIMESNOW
Edited for content. The opinions expressed in this article may not reflect the opinions of this site’s editors, staff or members.
Our Takeaways:
· Men are usually hesitant to discuss sexual matters with others in a social setting.
· Professional consultations for sexual problems have more than doubled since 2020.
· Discussing sexual concerns can help to relieve stress and to discover potential solutions.
When was the last time you heard a man discussing his sexual wellness in a peer group or a social setting, or even with his loved ones? Chances are, you’ve never heard of such a thing. These conversations, while critical, just do not happen.
While as individuals, we are hardwired to share our issues with our near and dear ones, certain conversations still take place in hushed tones. Sexual wellness is one such topic. Since such issues are not spoken about and people refrain from seeking treatment due to a lack of awareness and right online platforms in the country.
Just like physical and mental well-being, men must take care of sexual wellness to lead a healthy and happy life. Thankfully, we’re on our way to speaking out loud about these issues as a society. Sexual wellness consultations increased by almost 139% in the year 2020 compared with the previous year.
1. Performance Pressure: Sexual health and effectiveness are taboo in society and specifically for men for various reasons. It is often assumed that sexual activity comes more naturally to men than women. While that is untrue, this notion gets even more troublesome when men aren’t able to perform in bed. Men suffer from performance anxiety a lot more than women, which is a leading cause of erectile dysfunction.
2. Erectile Dysfunction: The commonly used term for ED is impotence. The mere association of this word with men arouses discomfort in social circles and, more often than not, leads to a scarred image. But the problem is not as rare, just less talked about. As per the Massachusetts Male Aging Study, nearly half of the men in the age group of 40 to 70 face this issue due to reasons varying from arterial malfunction or other abnormalities that can be checked and treated. ED can be caused by endocrinological diseases such as prostate malfunction, hypogonadism or even diabetes. Trouble maintaining an erection could very well be caused by fibrosis or atrophy, which is a sufficiently organic process but could also be caused due to drugs or smoke. Another myth surrounding men’s sexual health is that ED is a psychological disorder. While the cause could be neurological, the issue definitely needs to be probed for clarity and subsequent treatment.
3. Low Libido: Libido comes naturally to all genders, given they’re in a suitable space in their head. Sexual pleasure is a recreational activity that does not need to be and ideally is not supposed to be imposed upon anyone. So, not being in the right mind space, like experiencing stress or anxiety, could lead to low libido. There could be very many reasons that need to get checked by an expert.
4. Premature Ejaculation: Generally, one out of three men has been known to complain about premature orgasm. This creates a lot of pressure upon men as they feel they’re somehow incapable of pleasing their women. This further causes a loss of self-confidence, adversely impacting their mental health and even leading to severe problems. Those days are gone when there wasn’t any scientific explanation for biological processes. Society has advanced a great deal to know for sure that there are underlying causes for many of the activities affecting sexual health. All the community collectively needs to do now is talk openly about sexual diseases and discomfort like other diseases. The bubble needs to burst now more than ever when we are experiencing a time when multiple genders exist in society.
Sexual pleasure, like any other need in life, is an individual’s responsibility. But acceptance in relationships plays a significant role in bringing that sort of communication out loud. This helps improve relationships and emotional health and leads to enhanced confidence and perspective in all aspects of life. Again, acceptance is the key in the end.
(Nilay Mehrotra, Founder & CEO of Kindly)
The following are two chapters taken from the book: The Ultimate Guide To Male Enhancement.
Edited for content
Chapter 12: Dealing with Premature Ejaculation
What is Premature Ejaculation?
The definition of what constitutes premature ejaculation may vary depending on the source, but it’s commonly accepted as a scenario where the length of time for sexual performance on the part of the male is unsatisfactory, by either the man or his partner. That being said, what constitutes premature ejaculation can be arbitrary. There is no set time that if you orgasm before it then you have premature ejaculation.
Consider this – the average time between arousal and ejaculation is typically three minutes for a man. Considering the
average time for a woman to orgasm is typically 13 minutes after arousal it can be seen how many men may think they have premature ejaculation, but really they are simply normal. With this in mind, you can see why foreplay is so important to satisfying a woman.
Phases of Ejaculation
There are two phases of ejaculation.
● The Emission Phase and
● The Ejaculatory Phase
Emission Phase:
Here are the physical processes which occur during the emission phase of ejaculation:
● The vas deferens begins to contract to move sperm from the testes toward the urethra and prostate gland.
● The seminal vesicles secrete fluids into the urethra
● Chemical messages activate the sympathetic nervous system and begin what’s known as the ‘point of no return’
(PONR). Ejaculation is inevitable at this point.
Ejaculatory Phase:
During the ejaculatory phase, the posterior portion of the urethra senses the sperm and secretions and sends a signal
to the spinal cord. This then sends messages to the muscles at the base of your penis. This causes said muscles to contract, which results in ejaculation.
Chapter 13: Causes of Premature Ejaculation
Premature ejaculation can be caused by any number of factors. These can be separated into two categories:
● Physical (which can include chemical side effects) and
● Mental (or psychological) causes.
It’s not uncommon for both some mental component to be present in physical cases of premature ejaculation. Worry
about the experience of premature ejaculation often compounds any physical components.
Physical Premature Ejaculation
The most common form of premature ejaculation is due to physical causes. The most common among these is negative conditioning. This is usually because most men masturbate in a hurried and furtive manner. Doing this repeatedly trains the body into ejaculating quickly, so it shouldn’t be surprising to understand how this can lead to issues.
If added stimuli like porn is used, it can further skew what you can expect from real sexual encounters. This then adds to anxiety, which further increases the possibility of premature ejaculation. The easiest way to correct this is to train in a manner contrary to negative conditioning. This will be discussed in detail further in the section.
Hormonal Issues
If you have low testosterone or abnormal levels of catabolic hormones this can have a drastic effect on your ability to maintain an erection. This can turn into premature ejaculation if you have to strive to get erect. It can be further compounded if your hormone imbalances induce negative emotions like anxiety. Diet and exercise is often recommended as a treatment for issues related to hormone imbalances; however, if do-it-yourself treatments aren’t effective, then a full blood work up is necessary to determine the cause of these imbalances.
Chronic and/or acute stress can lower levels of dopamine in the system. This can create a scenario where you can find it difficult just to get aroused even in the absence of anxiety. Stress management is key to helping treat this issue. The amino acid L-Tyrosine has been shown to be effective at helping to restore natural dopamine levels.
Infections
It’s been shown infections of the prostate and urethra may contribute to premature ejaculation. Infections usually require medical attention and antibiotics for treatment.
Pelvic Floor Issues
Pelvic floor spasms may contribute to premature ejaculation. If these symptoms are minor, rest and targeted stretching of the area should help to alleviate the issue. If the problem is more severe, this might require the services of a physical therapist for relief.
A strain in the pelvic floor may cause pain upon Kegeling and symptoms such as “hard flaccid”. Certain muscles like the ischiocavernosus can become perpetually strained. This leads to a difficult to resolve issue, as these muscles are involved in many different bodily functions. Due to this, it’s not easy to allow them to recover as you would if you immobilized an arm or even a leg. A strain may require targeted massage and heat. Specific yoga poses which specifically target the pelvic floor may help to speed healing as well.
A common cause of pelvic floor issues is due to abusing the Kegel. This includes the Reverse Kegel (contractile) exercise. It’s vital you start Kegeling by using only as much contractile force as is needed during any of the Kegel type movements. A limited number of reps should be performed as well and then slowly increased each session.
Prescription Medications
Some prescription drugs may cause premature ejaculation as one of their side effects. If this is the case, contact your physician or pharmacist to see if there are alternative medications.
Mental Premature Ejaculation
Premature ejaculation may be placed on the spectrum of erectile dysfunction, especially if the case is so severe that penetration becomes difficult or impossible. This is often the case if performance anxiety is involve. A common scenario will involve difficulty in obtaining an erection, with almost immediate ejaculation upon or even before penetration. This stage most commonly precedes impotence.
Anxiety, depression and stress are three of the leading mental causes of premature ejaculation. Sometimes, it’s a matter
of which came first though – the chicken or the egg – the premature ejaculation or the anxiety/depression/stress. It’s
not uncommon for men to suffer from these three common challenges without even realizing. It’s even more common for these challenges to surface, when there’s a concern about premature ejaculation.
Thirty-seven is the actual middle age of men in America today. We surveyed hundreds of 37-year-olds about what defines this moment—and help prepare them for the next.
By Max Berlinger and Ben Paynter
Apr 13, 2021
This article is a repost which originally appeared on MEN’s HEALTH
Edited for content
A WHILE BACK, over lunch with a friend—me, salad; he, cheeseburger— I yammered on about my fitness kick. Peloton and 10,000 steps a day. Intermittent fasting and meditating ten minutes every morning. Cold showers and breathing exercises. The works.
He put his hand on mine and said, “Max. You know that, even if you do all this, you’re still going to die, right?” Those words landed like a punch to the gut. What the hell is he talking about death for? I thought. I’m still a kid.
Spoiler alert . . . I’m not. I was 37, which certainly isn’t one foot in the grave. But I made an unnerving discovery: Statistically speaking, 37 is the median age of men in America right now, and also almost halfway to the end of the average man’s life expectancy, which is 76. Meaning a whole lot of guys happen to be in the same boat as I am: midway between cradle and grave. If we’re lucky.
Middle age is a nebulous term—the Cambridge Dictionary defines it as “the period of your life, usually considered to be from about 45 to 60, when you are no longer young, but are not yet old.”
But do the math and your life’s mid-point hits way sooner than you probably think. As a guy with some things to make up for over the past couple decades, I feel a little behind. (As it happened, I spent most of that mathematically significant 37th year at home, staring at the walls, as a pandemic upended every norm of everyday life.) Turns out, plenty of truly middle-aged men are at crossroads of their own. For this issue, Men’s Health surveyed a nationally representative sample of guys my exact age to learn about their fears and anxieties.
As a whole, it’s a portrait of men who are conflicted, and I recognize myself in many of the responses. Men who feel, on average, good but have a sense that there’s more to life, if only they could figure out how to access it. That, just maybe, they’re in the prime of their life but they don’t know how to take advantage of it— or, more crucially, appreciate it as it’s happening—or how to extend it.
The survey shows that men value time over money, but it wasn’t a landslide. Which is strange, because if our days are getting scarcer, you would think that each should hold more value. I’ve learned that the hard way over the past few years. My 20s were wonderful, but some nights were a boozy blur. Then some nights turned into most nights and my 20s turned into my 30s.
At a certain point I got tired of waking up feeling like shit, with a phone full of missed calls and pissed-off texts and only a hazy half-memory of what I did to deserve them. So at age 33, I took the painful, scary step of getting sober.
The point is, you can change—and learn more about yourself in the process. In the following pages, we’ll share where middle-aged men feel they’re coming up short and how to make the most of each moment. How to set yourself up to be in great shape—not just physically but mentally and emotionally, too—for what’s to come. How to, well, take control. Or, in some cases, realize that you never had it and press forward anyway.
My partner of eight years and I recently bought a house and, even better, a terrier mutt named Edie. There’s a lot that’s still uncertain in our lives, but maybe that’s okay. I’m learning there are benefits to staying flexible, to celebrating a little when the moment calls for it. So next time, when you’re out to lunch with a pal, just order the goddamn cheeseburger. –Max Berlinger
Here’s how “middle-aged” men really feel about their health and fitness, careers and relationships; what’s still keeping them up at night; and how to make the most of any moment, at any age.
Most guys felt “pretty good” about being 37, but “great” was more elusive. And one in four men leaned toward midlife crisis. In terms of race and income, white men and guys making less than $35,000 were more likely to feel “not great” than “great,” and overall, white men rated themselves worse than Black, Asian, and Hispanic men did.
Your Opportunity: Instead of worrying about whether you’ve lost a step, try re-focusing on grown-up gains, like deeper relationships, professional success, or being a dad, says psychiatrist and MH advisor Drew Ramsey, M.D. Reframe “midlife crisis” as “transformational opportunities” to keep your momentum up and your attitude set on growth.
When asked how they felt physically, three out of four 37-year-olds felt generally healthy or better, but the majority still fell short of their fitness goals. This was more true in the South and Midwest, with the West and Northeast doing marginally better. Either way, men making $100,000 or more skewed toward being happily fit.
Your Opportunity: “Start with your why,” says David Freeman, NASM, a featured trainer on the MH-affiliated All Out Studio app. “Why am I working out and what is the purpose behind it?” For Freeman, exercise encourages a healthy mindset. He’ll also repeat mantras like “Mind right, body right”to build even more motivation.
While more than half of the men surveyed were optimistic about what tomorrow may bring, nearly one in four felt as if they’d already peaked. Fitness may play a part in this (when asked separately about how they physically feel right now, 45 percent of the men who said they were “out of shape” or “a wreck” also thought their best days were behind them), but it’s hardly the only answer.
Your Opportunity: Rewire your bonds digitally. Men tend to lose touch with their friends as they age, Dr. Ramsey says. And what’s worse, the pandemic has limited your bar meetups, pickup games, and guy trips. But you can still connect through VR headsets, multi-player games, or fantasy football, he says.
More than 40 percent of men weren’t happy with their family life, and, when asked about job fulfillment, more than 50 percent weren’t satisfied at work. Men who were in a relationship or had kids were more likely to feel content. But not by much.
Your Opportunity: Plan your vacation days for the year right now. Commit to whatever it is you’ve always wanted to actually do on your weekends. “Most of us only follow a plan and structure for work,” says psychotherapist Tenniel Brown, M.S.W. “What does that tell you about our priorities?” Switch up yours.
The “make more, stress less” threshold was $75,000 a year—the point at which the number of men who felt anxious about money dropped by about a third.
Your Opportunity: Actually get a raise. Brown suggests developing a list of specific suggestions around what you can do to help the company do better, too. Share it along with your request for more money to emphasize the benefits for your employer. Side hustles you love? Also encouraged.
On the whole, middle-aged men are more stressed, indifferent, or lonely than upbeat. Those who reported being super fit or generally healthy were more likely to feel upbeat (57 percent), but even endorphins have a limit.
Your Opportunity: It might be time to seek out new friends who also prioritize positivity, Dr. Ramsey says. And Brown suggests keeping a gratitude journal. To learn more self-care tactics, check out MH’s “Friday Sessions” at 1:30 p.m. Eastern on Instagram.
► What’s Your Most Important Goal With Exercise?
The majority of men are more interested how working out makes them feel, as opposed to how they’ll look. Pandemic aside, many also said that they prefer lifting alone, while as many as one in four may have lost their spotter to social distancing. Either way, 37-year-old men often lack gym buddies, who can help keep you accountable.
Your Opportunity: Sharing progress with family or friends can boost your energy, Freeman says. To stay charged, try controlled breathing. Close your eyes and listen to your breath for 60 seconds. ”It will be a game changer.“
Finding a smart way to just eat what you want, when you want it can be tough.
Your Opportunity: Dezi Abeyta, R.D.N., an MH advisor, snacks on cottage cheese with pumpkin seeds and blueberries—to crush cravings, yes, but also because he loves the way the combo tastes.
Men worry most about heart attacks, and with good reason: Heart disease is still the leading cause of death in the United States. It contributes to about one in every four deaths.
Your Opportunity: For heart disease, the Mediterranean diet is a good way to control weight, cholesterol, blood pressure, and blood sugar, says cardiovascular specialist and MH advisor Foluso Fakorede, M.D. Shoot for at least 150 minutes of moderate activity per week to reap the heart-health benefits of exercise. And know your personal risks. Many conditions—including heart issues, cancer, and diabetes—affect Black men at higher rates than white men.
Men feared being blindsided by catastrophe the most, but torpedoing a relationship and aging poorly were big, too.
Your Opportunity: “Often for men, the fear of the unknown is actually not having spent time thinking about their mortality fears,” Dr. Ramsey says. Those can range from the next pandemic to the eventual death of your parents. His go-to is journaling, or “puking onto a page” any thoughts, goals, or challenges you have. Long runs, bike rides, and walks in nature can offer a fresh perspective.
Therapy ranked lowest for everyone, and Black men were least likely to have any kind of plan, at 24 percent.
Your Opportunity: Remember, therapy is a reliable judgment-free zone, says Dr. Ramsey. For Black men seeking Black therapists, try TherapyForBlackMen.org.
Men value time more than money, but we all have to work. (In fact, half of those surveyed think they’ll retire late—or not at all.)
Your Opportunity: “Free time” and “quality time” are different, Dr. Ramsey says. Make the latter count by prioritizing your pickup game, yoga class, or book club.
Overall, more than 40 percent of men said the one thing that would most improve their sex life is: more of it. Try this three-step action plan.
Focus on quality, not quantity: “Research shows that more isn’t always better when it comes to sex,” says psychologist and MH advisor Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D. “Try and ensure that the sex you’re having is the best it can be, which may involve trying some new things, sharing or acting on sexual fantasies, and telling each other what it is that you really want.”
Watch your screen time: “We know that people feel more in the mood and more satisfied with their sex lives when they feel an intimate connection,” says sex researcher and MH advisor Debby Herbenick, Ph.D. Put the phones away after work and spend time together taking walks, playing with a pet, or cooking healthy meals, as opposed to binge-watching Netflix.
Get educated on ED: Among the men surveyed, 15 percent wanted better erections and 72 percent had at least some concern that they may develop ED. “Sexuality-related anxiety is often referred to as performance anxiety, which contributes to the idea that sex needs to be a production,” says Shamyra Howard, L.C.S.W., an MH advisor.
Methodology: MH surveyed 530 37-year-old men in the U. S. from December 21, 2020, toJanuary 25, 2021, using SurveyMonkey. Data is nationally representative in terms of race and region.
This story appears in the April 2021 issue of Men’s Health.
This article is a repost which originally appeared on Women Fitness Magazine
Sexual Dysfunction: What All Men Should Know : All around the world, millions of men secretly suffer from health problems that prevent them from experiencing a fulfilling sexual life with their partner. Whether it’s the inability to get erect, ejaculate, or a loss of sexual desire or stamina, these issues affect men of all ages and backgrounds but tend to manifest with age.
More often than not, sexual potency problems arise from underlying physical or psychological causes that must be treated to allow gentlemen to enjoy healthy and satisfying sex life. In that spirit, here’s a useful reference guide covering sexual dysfunction problems in men, along with what you can do if you ever suffer from one of these conditions.
Essentially, male sexual dysfunction encompasses all physical or psychological conditions that avert gentlemen from experiencing normal sexual activity. These typically involve bedroom issues such as having a difficult time maintaining an erection, ejaculating too early or too late, or simply not feeling the desire to engage in intercourse. They diverge in nature and gravity and have a different diagnosis, causes, and treatments. As such, understanding these problems will enable the patient to treat it effectively and durably.
When it comes to sexual potency issues in men, it’s important to analyze each condition individually to fully grasp its extent and select the most appropriate solution. Sexual dysfunction comprises three main types, including:
Perhaps the most widespread sexual potency issue, erectile dysfunction (ED) is characterized by the inability to grow an erection or maintain one throughout intercourse. Needless to say that impotence can have a great negative impact on performance and self-esteem, but ultimately, it’s perfectly treatable. For your reference, it’s been estimated that nearly 1 in 2 American men over the age of 40 suffer from ED to varying extents.
Another common concern pertains to ejaculation or the act of ‘coming’. While there’s no standard duration that dictates how long a man should last in bed, ejaculating too early, too late, or not at all can pose problems in a couple’s sexual dynamic. On the one hand, premature ejaculation makes a man reach orgasm too early, typically in less than 5 or 10 minutes. Naturally, this can prevent the partner from having an orgasm themselves. On the other hand, delayed ejaculation (also referred to as male orgasmic disorder) involves experiencing late ejaculation, over 30 minutes in the intercourse, or non-ejaculation.
Reduced sexual appetite can also block men from having a fulfilling sex life. It’s characterized by a decreased interest or desire in partaking in intercourse, despite having the physical ability to (usually no erectile or ejaculation problem here). Diminished libido is typically a sign of a deeper psychological ailment, which brings concrete repercussions and prevents a man from enjoying a healthy and dynamic life. There’s a lot more to find out here on how to boost your sexual stamina and drive for your pleasure and that of your partner’s. Invariably, consulting specialized online guides can be an effective first step towards alleviating this debilitating condition.
In modern days, thanks to the advancements in the scientific and medical fields, we possess a much clearer understanding of what may cause gentlemen to experience sexual potency issues. These symptoms often come together and result in sexual dysfunction. On a physical level, low testosterone levels, high blood pressure, prescription drugs, smoking, alcoholism, or drug abuse can take an immense toll on a man’s sex life, along with existing conditions such as diabetes, nerve damage, or strokes. On a psychological level, stress, depression, performance anxiety, relationship problems, or past sexual trauma has been proven to cause performance issues.
Fortunately, all these sex-related problems have proven and tested remedies. The Doctor or healthcare professional will typically start by asking questions relating to your sexual activity, frequency, and habits, which you should answer in all honesty and transparency to establish the right diagnosis. Next, they will proceed with a battery of tests (blood pressure, blood sugar levels, testicular examination, prostate check) to determine whether everything is in working order. They will then prescribe the appropriate solution, whether as medication or therapy, to be followed thoroughly.
All things considered, sexual dysfunction in men can take many forms and arise from a variety of physical or psychological predispositions. Regardless of what you’re dealing with, there’s no point in feeling shame or anguish; instead, focus on finding the cause of your ailment and seek the professional medical help you need to overcome it and start enjoying a fulfilling sex life once again. Remember that, the more proactive you are, the higher your chances of finding a permanent solution to your problem.
By Eric Spitznagel
This article is a repost which originally appeared on the NEW YORK POST
Boys will be boys, but how do they learn to be intimate with women? These days it’s often by watching porn, which can cause anxiety and insecurity.
Mason, a former college football player from suburban Milwaukee, was almost 20 years old when he lost his virginity.
It’s a story you don’t hear too often. Boys, we’re told, are having sex younger and more irresponsibly than ever. But as author Peggy Orenstein learned while doing research on her new book, “Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity” (Harper), out now, the reality can be very different.
For Mason, the simple act of kissing was something he largely avoided in high school, afraid that without enough experience he would do it wrong.
“He thought he was just supposed to know,” writes Orenstein.
Even holding hands felt like it came with the risk of humiliation.
When he went to college he met a girl, Jeannie, who invited him back to her dorm room to fool around. He wasn’t able to perform, and blamed it on the weed he’d been smoking all night.
She texted him the next day, inviting him over to try again.
“But the more he thought about it,” Orenstein writes, “the more anxious he became.”
Once again, his attempts at intimacy fizzled.
For Orenstein, who’s spent two decades writing about the sexuality of girls — with bestsellers like “Girls & Sex” and “Don’t Call Me Princess” — Mason’s predicament was difficult to take seriously at first.
Like many of us, she bought into the cultural stereotypes “that all guys are sexually insatiable,” she writes. “Ever ready, incapable of refusal, regret, or injury” — an idea that just reinforced “the most retrograde idea of masculinity.”
Over the span of two years, Orenstein spoke to hundreds of boys across the United States, ranging in age from their early teens to mid-20s and spanning all races, socioeconomic backgrounds, religious beliefs and even sexual orientations. She learned that a surprising number of them don’t live up to gender cliches — meaning they aren’t hormone-driven Frankenstein’s monsters, obsessed with sex and unconcerned with the consequences. In fact, they’re pushing back against cultural expectations, and many are going so far as to avoid sex altogether.
According to the latest data by the General Social Survey, men between the ages of 18 and 29 are having less sex than ever; the number of abstinent men has nearly tripled in the last decade, from 10 percent in 2008 to 28 percent last year.
But as Orenstein discovered, it’s a movement that exists largely in secret. Rather than declare their abstinence, they come up with excuses for their lack of sexual interest — like the college sophomore Orenstein interviewed who frequently faked “whiskey d–k” to avoid hookups, or Mitchell in Los Angeles, who avoided sex with his high-school girlfriend for years because he was terrified that his sexual ability “would just be … sufficient.”
While girls struggle to find the magic middle ground between “prude” and “slut,” boys are “pushed to be as sexually active as possible,” Orenstein writes, “to knock out their firsts regardless of the circumstances or how they felt about their partners.”
Nate, a high-school junior from the San Francisco area, is terrified of sex because he’s certain the girls in his peer group already have more experience than him. “She’s going to know how to do things and you won’t,” he told Orenstein. “That’s a problem if she tells people you’ve got floppy lips or don’t know how to get her bra off.”
He wants to have a girlfriend someday, but for now, Nate says, “I’m afraid of intimacy.”
This paralyzing fear of sexual inadequacy begins for many boys with online pornography. Sexually explicit videos have never been so easy to find — a 2018 Bitdefender study found that 22 percent of online porn is watched by kids under the age of 10 — and it’s warping their formative ideas about sex.
Mason has been watching porn since he was 14, and he claims it convinced him that a “hot woman” would just magically appear and offer herself up to him.
“That was my whole perception of how it was supposed to go,” he said.
While the boys who spoke to Orenstein admit that porn “is about as authentic as pro-wrestling,” a 2016 study from London-based Middlesex University found that 53 percent of teen boys believe that the sex acts featured in porn are mostly realistic.
“Everyone watches porn and then gets super nervous about their [penis] size,” a college sophomore from Chicago told Orenstein. “I mean, it’s brutal. Like if you’re in the locker room, you’re going to turn around and try to hide yourself, or you’re not going to change in front of other guys.”
But it’s not always porn doing the most damage. Porn may offer the most ridiculous representations of sex, but mainstream media can spread just as much misinformation, and it’s more difficult for younger audiences to separate fact from fiction.
Mason had recently been watching the David Duchovny TV comedy “Californication,” about a womanizing novelist in Los Angeles. The sexual exploits are “just slightly unrealistic,” Mason says. “Like, the main character has sex with everyone wherever he goes. They made it seem so convincing. Whereas if you were to watch a porn video where a dude comes in with his [sexual organ] in a pizza box, it’s like, ‘All right, obviously that isn’t going to happen in real life.’ ”
Everyone watches porn and then gets super nervous about their size.
– college sophomore
Dylan, 17, is a high-school junior in Northern California. He’s handsome, athletic, a straight-A student, and captain of the soccer team.
He was also, until recently, a virgin.
He had drank too much at a friend’s party and passed out on a couch. That’s where his friend Julia, who was sober, found him. She dragged Dylan, stumbling, to the bathroom and had sex with him on the floor.
The next morning, Dylan was horrified and asked Julia why she forced herself on him. “I didn’t want to do that,” he told her, insisting that he wanted his first time to be special.
“Oh, please,” she shot back. “Don’t give me that. All guys want it.”
It was a bias that even Orenstein admits to having. She was shocked by how often the boys shared stories of being on the receiving end of unwanted sex, “in which girls didn’t hear or didn’t respect ‘no,’ ” Orenstein writes.
Was it rape? The boys she interviewed weren’t sure. She recalls a college sophomore who told her of losing his virginity at 14 to a 17-year-old girl at his first high-school party.
He didn’t want to do it, he says, but was too drunk and too worried about rumors she might spread to leave.
“Like, if it’s the guy who didn’t consent,” he asked Orenstein, “what do you call that?”
According to a 2017 study at Columbia University, 80 percent of victims of sexual assault were women, but men were also being increasingly targeted, with one in eight male students reporting being coerced into non-consensual sex.
And in a 2017 study at New York University, sociologist Jessie Ford interviewed 40 straight male and female college students about their sexual experiences. Most men admitted that they would have sex even if they didn’t want to, because guys should always be “down to f–k.” Rejecting an invitation to sex was considered unmanly or “gay.”
When young men have sex forced upon them, it sends mixed signals — and makes it harder for them to understand the concept of consent altogether.
“If they can’t say no,” Orenstein writes, “how are they supposed to hear it?”
The solution for all this isn’t what most parents want to hear: They need to have a straightforward talk with their sons about sex.
“I know it’s awkward, I know it’s excruciating. I know it’s unclear where to begin,” Orenstein writes. “But this is your chance to do better.”
Mason agrees, and he can remember the exact moment where some parental intervention would’ve made a difference.
He was a teenager, sitting on the basement couch of his family’s home and browsing porn on his school-supplied iPad. His father walked in and saw what he was doing. “You shouldn’t be watching that,” his dad scolded him. “It’s bad for you.”
Mason was well aware that his father had a trove of bookmarked porn on his own computer, so he snapped back, “Don’t be a hypocrite. I’ve seen all the stuff you watch.”
His father didn’t say another word. He just turned on the TV, watched it silently with his son, and then went to bed.
“I feel he sort of failed me,” Mason told Orenstein. If he had used the opportunity to start a conversation, to tell his son, “This will skew the way you view women . . . it’s only going to keep you from interacting with girls in a healthy manner,” Mason thinks it could’ve made all the difference for him.
“But my parents were too fearful to actually deal with any of it,” he says.
Real conversations about what’s actually involved in a healthy sexual relationship can make all the difference. For Mason, it finally happened with his girlfriend Jeannie, who repeatedly tried (and failed) to seduce him.
After their third date together, in which Mason declined to have sex with her yet again, she asked him pointed questions about his anxiety, and why sex felt so scary to him.
“It felt like a storybook moment,” Mason recalled. Her openness to his insecurity and lack of sexual confidence allowed him to let his guard down. “Whatever nerves had affected me the previous times disappeared. And I realized: If I can’t be fully vulnerable, mentally and emotionally, it stops me from being able to be vulnerable physically.
“Because the naked body,” he adds, like an epiphany that’s taken his entire childhood to realize, “that’s a very vulnerable thing, you know?”
Big Al, of MaleEnhancementCoach.com, answers questions about erection quality problems with the lights on and male incontinence, in this Ask the Experts article.
If you have questions you’d like answered in an Ask the Experts article, please PM Kimberly at PEGym – KMWylie – and she’ll have the experts here on PEGym get your questions.
…I’m about 50/50 on performance when it comes to PIV sex and if I don’t have lots of foreplay beforehand then I know I’ll have problems. Help!
Big Al: First- by your own admittance you allude to there being a psychogenic component to your issue. Unless your partner is extremely loose, there’s no physical reason why you should be experiencing this problem. That being said, your complaint is a common one and rooted in selective performance anxiety. Positive affirmation exercises performed daily should be a part of your mental training- as well as emotional visualization exercises performed during edging/Stop and Starts and Kegels.
Engaging in lots of foreplay is always a good idea (unless you’re after a “quickie”), and until you feel you’ve mastered your issue this would be a good way of keeping up your performance.
In addition to the affirmation and visualization techniques mentioned above, you can perform a specific type of movement I call the “Kegel Thrust”. During your edging/Stop and Starts (or sexual activity) perform a Kegel and focus on simulating penetration to the best of your ability. FEEL the hardness of your penis as you thrust, and perform some reps where you penetrate deeply and can feel yourself fully erect starting from the root of your penis. You should also vacillate between these deep thrust techniques and simulating penetrating with emphasis on the dorsal portion of your penis by pulling your penis slightly towards your feet (if you’re in a reclined position) to put extra emphasis on the PC muscles as you perform.
This particular movement is best performed in spurts during your edging exercises, but do NOT Kegel continuously throughout your edging sessions as this in and of itself can lead to problems. Specifically, men who take up the habit of Kegeling constantly during edging and/or sex often find they HAVE TO continue to do so just to remain erect due to a negative conditioning effect.