Internet Dating and Polyamorous Relationships

[Tamora]

Simple question...I'm wondering why at this stage of my life that I don't need or feel like I need to be in love with anyone?

 

[Tamora]

I'm just happy that I've met a female that I could spend the rest of my life living together. And that makes her valuable enough to dedicate my penis to her, when I'm ready to put a ring on her finger. The whole process can seem kind of silly and contrived from the outside; but once you experience it for yourself, you can truly understand it.

What if...God forbid...years down the line, after being what you always thought as being in a happy monogamous marriage you found out that your partner had been living a lie? Would your attitudes change?

 

[Qarzan]

With regards to your question about internet dating and polyarmory:

There is a difference between being polyamorous, and dating multiple people. You can be monogamous and dating multiple people. The situation is different, because you're trying to decide which one is "the one" that you're going to keep around. It's like you're putting them through a test or something.

With polyamory, yes you're dating multiple people, and there's no competition, no end point for any of them in sight. The idea is that it'll stay this way and each relationship will have its own natural end regardless of the others.

So, no, internet dating does not naturally or necessarily lead to polyamory. Polyamory and dating around are two different concepts.

In addition, just as valid as being monogamous and dating multiple people, is the concept of being polyamorous and dating only one person. I've done this before, particularly when the person I'm dating is going through a tough time and requires more time and attention. I've agreed to not see anyone else and see them through that time. It doesn't mean I'm monogamous. It means I'm prioritizing one of my partners.

 

[spanky]

@Qarzan - I guess I'm probably more in the swinger/open-relationship category than true polyamory. I did spend a bit of time swinging with my open relationship partner at the time, and that was so freeing. But after a little time I've recognised that it's the love, trust and honesty I seek over and above the pussy. However, having done the open thing, I know I can walk into that stronger and more stable than I've ever known, recognise beauty in people far more clearly, and secure something really special.

Also, should it be interesting, I'm not friends with any exes before I had the open thing and made that change. Never been able to do that successfully. But. I AM friends with everyone since. And good friends too.

 

[Qarzan]

In which case you're not going to stay friends with this buddy or this woman. Open and poly is about honesty. so if you don't know, or you don't know your buddy did it, then she's lying to you, which is cheating, and it's over. If she doesn't know, she'll have to deal with that.

Yes, in the context of polyamory, the definition of "cheating" is more specific. It means: doing something against the agreements of your relationship.

So, if that means you've agreed not to have sex with anyone else, and then you do, that's cheating. If that means you've agreed to text the other to ask if it's ok to have sex, and you didn't, that's cheating.

If you have an agreement that you can sleep with anyone you want and you don't have to ask permission, then when you go ahead and sleep with that new crush of yours without asking, that is NOT cheating.

This definition of "cheating" also applies to monogamous relationships, and the agreements tend to be implied by what society expects. Example: unspoken agreement not to sleep with anyone else. This is pretty much the prime unspoken agreement in monogamy. You sleep with someone else, you've just cheated. It's not that the act itself is cheating, it's just that there was an agreement not to do so, and that agreement was broken.

 

[spanky]

[cheating] means: doing something against the agreements of your relationship... and the [unspoken] agreements tend to be implied by what society expects.

Yeah that makes sense. Perhaps it just took me the experience of having a working relationship with its OWN rules instead of society's, tradition's, my parents' or the Bible's to see that.

 

[spanky]

Simple question...I'm wondering why at this stage of my life that I don't need or feel like I need to be in love with anyone?

Because you grew up?
Love comes and finds you, you can't force it on anyone else, and you can't choose when it happens. Sure, you can fight it, but I don't think anyone could disagree that that's really hard. Because it ain't up to you. For that reason, seeking love is a fool's errand. All you can seek is options and opportunity, then if it happens it happens. But if you're trying too hard, it's not gonna work.

 

[islander]

Hi spanky!!

 

[GoingForGold]

I recognise the benefit of marriage for the sake of the children in our society. And I'm not for a second questioning anyone else's choices or feelings on the matter, you're free, as am I, and as should any partner I have be. She's not possession and I'm not hers, but that doesn't mean we can't be in love. To me it's almost the same as making friends. I haven't been jealous of my friends having other friends since primary school, yet I still have the greatest close friends in my life whom I respect and love. Why can't romantic relationships enjoy the same thing? Answer, it's up to you. I dislike possessiveness anyway. How many monogamous relationships suffer fights and jealous arguments because she was talking to another dude, or because I might have texted another woman? Sorry, I've got no time for that in the rest of my life, and this approach just gets rid of all of that in a flash.

Having been here for some years now, and not being likely to ever go back, all I can ironically say is that only once you experience it for yourself, can you truly understand it.

I'm saying marriage shouldn't be seen as necessary to raise a child because it locks you in sexually. I don't think everyone needs that construct to stay together for the children. I do think most people need it, but it is not for everyone. I don't know whether or not children are better off seeing parents in a monogamous relationship or not. I don't have kids. I do know they are better off having a lead male role and a lead female role in their life on a regular basis.

I'm not questioning the deepness of love possible in a situation with multiple partners, but when you compare love to friendship, it doesn't really make sense to me, because love involves so much more.

I dislike possessiveness as well, but when it feels like someone is part of you, it's hard not to covet them. I can share, but she doesn't want to be shared. I admire that in her and it even makes me feel special in a silly sort of way.

Jealousy is usually the result of low self-esteem. A person with low self-esteem will usually partner with a person they see as equally low. If they choose to self destruct as a result of self-hate, so be it. The monogamous tradition is not the problem in that situation, typically.

Your agreement and adoption to my stance is not really ironic, moreso holistic. I think we are both right because we believe in freedom of thought to best serve the individuals involved in whatever types of relationships they choose to be in. We are both equally crazy for being in love at all

 

[GoingForGold]

In which case you're not going to stay friends with this buddy or this woman. Open and poly is about honesty. so if you don't know, or you don't know your buddy did it, then she's lying to you, which is cheating, and it's over. If she doesn't know, she'll have to deal with that.

I'm saying you wouldn't know because there were no paternity tests in nature. And if you and you buddy looked alike, as you probably would over 10,000 years ago, it would truly be hard to tell just by looking. I'm saying we evolved to be more suited to monogamy than other species.

 

[GoingForGold]

What if...God forbid...years down the line, after being what you always thought as being in a happy monogamous marriage you found out that your partner had been living a lie? Would your attitudes change?

I don't know what specific hypothetical living of a lie you're talking about, but assuming you are saying my partner suddenly finds out she is not suited for monogamy, I would be fine with that. My attitude would change towards her, not the conventional structure of marriage.

 

[BigO]

I just don't think I could do it, I half joke when I post on these threads.if those that do it can make it work good on you.

I think you should do what makes you happy.

 

[islander]

Big boy just say no. Unless I can be involved, then say yes. Haha jk

There's NO way in the world I could. I don't need it. I don't want it. I want one that's all.

I know Q is happy. He's able to have lots of attention and deep connections. It's working for him at this time. He has no children and is starting off in life. Life gets harder as you settle in to work, have children and some of us have enough energy left for a hand full of people at best. For me that's my man my kids myself and other family. That is all you can to do it well.

Y'all have fun. Enjoy it. Us old folk love to read this stuff

 

[somebodyelse]

Real life^

I just have absolutely no time for more than one girl... I barely have enough time for ONE. But the way that poly stuff works I guess is people have other people for whom they get more time face time so you don't need to be in that persons' face all the time. but at the end of the day, you're still spending as much if not MORE time on different people all together trying to keep your social sphere inflated. Sounds super tiring, LOL!

I say good luck though, if it is what makes you happy, go for it!

I say find one who can have sex multiple times a day every day and you're good.

 

[Qarzan]

Yes, I would say that's accurate, that time is really the limited resource. I give up some of my time with someone in order to spend that time with someone else. And, in turn, each of them also have other people to spend time with.

For me, it really helps me when I have different relationships in different stages of the relationship:
- beginning: all lust, passion and sex;
- medium-term: more stable, establishing communication, trust, and respect;
- long-term: working together as a team, living together, building a life together.

It helps me to remember the things I would otherwise just take for granted, like how much work it took to create the communication that exists in a long-term relationship, because I have to start the process all over again with the new woman. That's usually not very visible if you're in just one relationship, because it just becomes part of the background: routine and unnoticed.

When I start a new relationship, it actually adds heat, passion, lust, and sex into my other existing relationships. I get all hot and bothered, or can't take my mind off of my new partner, or take time to give massages and foot rubs. Then I remember, "Hey, how come I don't do that for [the older relationship]?" And then I think, "Oh, ok that's why things have gotten kind of boring with us. Alright, I'll start doing that again."

It's easy to see what's missing or what I may have taken for granted when I experience them side-by-side.

 

[BigO]

Yes, I would say that's accurate, that time is really the limited resource. I give up some of my time with someone in order to spend that time with someone else. And, in turn, each of them also have other people to spend time with.

For me, it really helps me when I have different relationships in different stages of the relationship:
- beginning: all lust, passion and sex;
- medium-term: more stable, establishing communication, trust, and respect;
- long-term: working together as a team, living together, building a life together.

It helps me to remember the things I would otherwise just take for granted, like how much work it took to create the communication that exists in a long-term relationship, because I have to start the process all over again with the new woman. That's usually not very visible if you're in just one relationship, because it just becomes part of the background: routine and unnoticed.

When I start a new relationship, it actually adds heat, passion, lust, and sex into my other existing relationships. I get all hot and bothered, or can't take my mind off of my new partner, or take time to give massages and foot rubs. Then I remember, "Hey, how come I don't do that for [the older relationship]?" And then I think, "Oh, ok that's why things have gotten kind of boring with us. Alright, I'll start doing that again."

It's easy to see what's missing or what I may have taken for granted when I experience them side-by-side.

This is very interesting to think about. It's easy to forget the things we did early in relationships.

 

[spanky]

Hi spanky!!

Aloha! Here's a name from the past How the devil are you?

 

[spanky]

I'm saying marriage shouldn't be seen as necessary to raise a child because it locks you in sexually. I don't think everyone needs that construct to stay together for the children.

Oh I agree, I don't have kids either, but a good friend, a traditional and religious sort, and a divorced mum, made the point to me recently whilst discussing this (and how much I hate the church or state having any say in who I love and who loves me) that marriage, even when over, provides legal enforcement of responsibility for the kids first. And it's hard to argue with that whether I'm a poly atheist or not.

[kids...] I do know they are better off having a lead male role and a lead female role in their life on a regular basis.

Having seen and experienced what that provides, and what's lost when that's not there first hand, I couldn't agree more.

I'm not questioning the deepness of love possible in a situation with multiple partners, but when you compare love to friendship, it doesn't really make sense to me, because love involves so much more.

No I know it's not the same, what I'm suggesting is that we should be able to exercise the same freedom as platonic friendships in romantic relationships with the same trust that our relationship is dependent 100% on us and nobody else regardless or where else our feet may take us.

Jealousy is usually the result of low self-esteem. A person with low self-esteem will usually partner with a person they see as equally low.

Ohhhh hell... that's a whole other discussion!

Funny seeing all these old faces on one thread... it's just like old times! I hope I don't start cumming after two pumps again now too.

 

[Frog]

I think I'm either getting old or maybe I'm just a bit weird. There was a time when being in a relationship was very important to me...having a house, mortgage, kids, steady job, etc, etc, seemed to be the right thing to do and what society considers to be conforming to "the norm".

I always thought that if I wasn't in a relationship I would end up growing old being sad, lonely and a bit lost. I can honestly say that now I am getting older and single that I do not miss being in a relationship one little bit. After being married for nearly 20 years and going through a bitter divorce it completely changed the way I thought about and observed long term relationships. I now notice so much more than I did couples that seem totally miserable with each other but stay the course because of kids, finances, security and all the other reasons that go with long term relationships or marriage. Now I think to myself, "Thank God that's not me anymore!"

Getting older and being single has a lot of advantages, probably all selfish and some on the face of it trivial. I am now the master of my own destiny, I watch the TV I want to watch, I go out to places I want to go to, I can flirt with whoever I want and I can fart whenever I have the need without feeling guilty about it. The last casual relationship I had she stayed over and snored all night long and I didn't like not having the bed to myself...whereas before I would have been very tolerant of such minor things now I just couldn't bear it.

I'm still attracted to a lot of women but now I just can't be arsed, haven't got the motivation, energy or time to think that I could ever commit to a long term relationship again. I don't miss "being in love" and I do believe it is a state of mind. A lot of folk look at older single or divorced people as being a "bit of a loser" or a failure because they don't seem to be conforming to the "norm" as society can dictate. Personally, I find this offensive but really don't give a damn...been there, seen it, done it...long term relationships and marriage are hard bloody work and not all they're cracked up to be.

This is a page in my journal...The only difference is I do miss being in love. I miss the giddy feeling I once got just from hearing his voice. Or the excitement and anticipation of seeing him. Until I left my husband (married 20 years) I greeted him everyday at the door when he came home if I was the first one home. Even though it was not reciprocated back. I guess I hoped/thought I could love enough for the both of us. I finally gave up on my marriage 1.5 years ago (no children) I felt like a loser for sometime after walking from my marriage. In fact I joined this forum looking for answers to try and save my marriage...lol

I no longer feel that way, but know I'm judged by others. "Whats wrong with her, why is she single" My friends know why and that is all that matters.

BLAH BLAH BLAH...Anyway, I still believe in love and being in a committed relationship, and having sex with others is probably not for me. In fact when I'm "In Love" the idea of another man touching me is repulsive to me. Once I commit, I don't look back. That doesn't mean that between now and finding love (love finding me) that I'm not gonna have some fun!:becky:

 

[Tamora]

Emotions are a very powerful and wonderful thing...but they can also be very controlling and ruin your life if you let them. I suppose that's what makes us human.

Maybe I've just not been fortunate enough to find that special person.