I was privileged to be asked to start a new thread by @Qarzan regarding internet dating including polyamorous relationships. What were your experiences...good and bad? Does one lead to another and is it actually really worth the effort?
Internet Dating and Polyamorous Relationships
- Thread starter Tamora
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I have a hell of a time with one woman. any more and I'd shoot myself. Besides I don't have to; I just read Q's stories and I'm a happy guy!
burtybasset
Retired Moderator, Member of the Month May 2014,
I had a hell of a time with one woman...cost me everything...and I was thinking of shooting her (and me)! Which is why I ask the question...are relationships meant to be taken seriously or is it just a state of mind and conforming to the norm?
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Yes they are great stories, but this is the net and sometimes stories should just be taken as stories . Op I really wouldn't be changing your life based on them.
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I do not think there can be real satisfaction for all involved. I think they seek happiness from sex.
All this horseshit lately about humans not meant to be monogamous. What a load of sh*t, usually endorsed by those lacking true self confidence or seeking praise for the ability to kiss someone that blew someone else a little while ago.
Seems like a great way to support immorality and engage in self endulgence.
Just my 2 cents, if it bothers anyone sorry.
All this horseshit lately about humans not meant to be monogamous. What a load of sh*t, usually endorsed by those lacking true self confidence or seeking praise for the ability to kiss someone that blew someone else a little while ago.
Seems like a great way to support immorality and engage in self endulgence.
Just my 2 cents, if it bothers anyone sorry.
I have to agree with CUSP on this. I have my one and if I had two or three (which is an intriguing thought but I like to focus on one person) I think I would be in a grave by the time I hit 40.
I guess if your not looking for a long term commited relationship. And look at it like having a small circle of FWB that's closer to a group of friends that instead of hang out. They like to get together and share each other. *shrug*
I do think if your going to consider it. Step back and understand if you would be comfortable knowing getting into it that your going to have multiple partners and so are they. All the time. So if jealousy or self doubt has ever been an issue. Its not going to work.
I guess if your not looking for a long term commited relationship. And look at it like having a small circle of FWB that's closer to a group of friends that instead of hang out. They like to get together and share each other. *shrug*
I do think if your going to consider it. Step back and understand if you would be comfortable knowing getting into it that your going to have multiple partners and so are they. All the time. So if jealousy or self doubt has ever been an issue. Its not going to work.
I think I'm either getting old or maybe I'm just a bit weird. There was a time when being in a relationship was very important to me...having a house, mortgage, kids, steady job, etc, etc, seemed to be the right thing to do and what society considers to be conforming to "the norm".
I always thought that if I wasn't in a relationship I would end up growing old being sad, lonely and a bit lost. I can honestly say that now I am getting older and single that I do not miss being in a relationship one little bit. After being married for nearly 20 years and going through a bitter divorce it completely changed the way I thought about and observed long term relationships. I now notice so much more than I did couples that seem totally miserable with each other but stay the course because of kids, finances, security and all the other reasons that go with long term relationships or marriage. Now I think to myself, "Thank God that's not me anymore!"
Getting older and being single has a lot of advantages, probably all selfish and some on the face of it trivial. I am now the master of my own destiny, I watch the TV I want to watch, I go out to places I want to go to, I can flirt with whoever I want and I can fart whenever I have the need without feeling guilty about it. The last casual relationship I had she stayed over and snored all night long and I didn't like not having the bed to myself...whereas before I would have been very tolerant of such minor things now I just couldn't bear it.
I'm still attracted to a lot of women but now I just can't be arsed, haven't got the motivation, energy or time to think that I could ever commit to a long term relationship again. I don't miss "being in love" and I do believe it is a state of mind. A lot of folk look at older single or divorced people as being a "bit of a loser" or a failure because they don't seem to be conforming to the "norm" as society can dictate. Personally, I find this offensive but really don't give a damn...been there, seen it, done it...long term relationships and marriage are hard bloody work and not all they're cracked up to be.
I always thought that if I wasn't in a relationship I would end up growing old being sad, lonely and a bit lost. I can honestly say that now I am getting older and single that I do not miss being in a relationship one little bit. After being married for nearly 20 years and going through a bitter divorce it completely changed the way I thought about and observed long term relationships. I now notice so much more than I did couples that seem totally miserable with each other but stay the course because of kids, finances, security and all the other reasons that go with long term relationships or marriage. Now I think to myself, "Thank God that's not me anymore!"
Getting older and being single has a lot of advantages, probably all selfish and some on the face of it trivial. I am now the master of my own destiny, I watch the TV I want to watch, I go out to places I want to go to, I can flirt with whoever I want and I can fart whenever I have the need without feeling guilty about it. The last casual relationship I had she stayed over and snored all night long and I didn't like not having the bed to myself...whereas before I would have been very tolerant of such minor things now I just couldn't bear it.
I'm still attracted to a lot of women but now I just can't be arsed, haven't got the motivation, energy or time to think that I could ever commit to a long term relationship again. I don't miss "being in love" and I do believe it is a state of mind. A lot of folk look at older single or divorced people as being a "bit of a loser" or a failure because they don't seem to be conforming to the "norm" as society can dictate. Personally, I find this offensive but really don't give a damn...been there, seen it, done it...long term relationships and marriage are hard bloody work and not all they're cracked up to be.
Well. This is an interesting one. I had my first open relationship maybe 3 or 4 years ago and that changed me forever. See, we do look around and get offers regardless of how happy we are with our GF. And so does she.
So, I started with this girl and I wasn't in a good place. I told her on day one there was no way I was ever going to be her "boyfriend".
Well, we carried on fucking, and became kinda close, but I was still dating. I caught up with someone else, fucked her (which is a whooooole other story), and told my "not-girlfriend" all about it. Every second I was talking to her about it, I had a voice in the back of my mind telling me "this is wrong" and "you're not allowed to say these things"
But here's the thing. It brought us closer, and I didn't expect that. The voice in my head was silenced forever, because I found something more beautiful than anything I ever thought I was seeking. Trust and honesty rules, and on subjects like this, it doesn't happen. Not total honesty anyway. So having experienced that, I walked away wanting nothing less ever again.
Not fucking other people, but the honesty and the freedom to do so.
In poly circles, they call this a primary.
Now when I moved to Australia I made my whole social circle through fetlife, and they're a different bunch to most. Met a lot of actual poly people in successful multi-partner relationships. They all had a "primary" so maybe that's key? Dunno. But, that freedom to do it (if the extra partner checks out). That freedom from the fairytale/church notions that you'll find "The One" and be satisfied forever with your soul mate. Those freedoms, whether you exercise them or not, led to the most open, honest and rewarding connections I've ever known.
And to make it work, as noted above, to have that freedom yourself, you have to also be OK with your GF fucking other people too. And most guys are insecure and possessive, so it's hard and shakes everything you believe. And that's just as hard for her to find too. I'll tell you what, honestly, when you get over yourself and don't have any jealousy or insecurity about it, because you know she's gonna come back, it's the most amazing and fulfilling lesson. I won't expect or ever demand an exclusive relationship again. Traditional relationships since just don't carry the same honesty or connection for me.
Imagine having never having to feel, suffer or tolerate jealousy ever again.
So, I started with this girl and I wasn't in a good place. I told her on day one there was no way I was ever going to be her "boyfriend".
Well, we carried on fucking, and became kinda close, but I was still dating. I caught up with someone else, fucked her (which is a whooooole other story), and told my "not-girlfriend" all about it. Every second I was talking to her about it, I had a voice in the back of my mind telling me "this is wrong" and "you're not allowed to say these things"
But here's the thing. It brought us closer, and I didn't expect that. The voice in my head was silenced forever, because I found something more beautiful than anything I ever thought I was seeking. Trust and honesty rules, and on subjects like this, it doesn't happen. Not total honesty anyway. So having experienced that, I walked away wanting nothing less ever again.
Not fucking other people, but the honesty and the freedom to do so.
In poly circles, they call this a primary.
Now when I moved to Australia I made my whole social circle through fetlife, and they're a different bunch to most. Met a lot of actual poly people in successful multi-partner relationships. They all had a "primary" so maybe that's key? Dunno. But, that freedom to do it (if the extra partner checks out). That freedom from the fairytale/church notions that you'll find "The One" and be satisfied forever with your soul mate. Those freedoms, whether you exercise them or not, led to the most open, honest and rewarding connections I've ever known.
And to make it work, as noted above, to have that freedom yourself, you have to also be OK with your GF fucking other people too. And most guys are insecure and possessive, so it's hard and shakes everything you believe. And that's just as hard for her to find too. I'll tell you what, honestly, when you get over yourself and don't have any jealousy or insecurity about it, because you know she's gonna come back, it's the most amazing and fulfilling lesson. I won't expect or ever demand an exclusive relationship again. Traditional relationships since just don't carry the same honesty or connection for me.
Imagine having never having to feel, suffer or tolerate jealousy ever again.
All true.
See above. In my experience over the last three years, it's quite the opposite. By disconnecting sex from love, I found deeper and more powerful connections.
Again, see above. I have never had higher self esteem or felt stronger. It's not chasing somebody else's leftovers, it's freedom to be completely honest.
Define "immorality". To me it's a thousand times more ethical to connect deeply and honestly with others than to stay silent or demand that they do in order to follow somebody else's rules.
Just mine too. I'm not gonna change because somebody else doesn't like it. It's a big world out there.
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Additionally, I have found that the women I've met who are either comfortable with or thrive on such things tend also to be the more open minded and experimental in the rest of their lives too. Bedroom included. Threesomes aren't a big deal for instance.
jockinthebox
Retired Moderator, Member of the Month May 2015,
So in layman's terms, "polyamorous" is a one night stand, sort of in the moment kind of sexual encounter; while FWB is more intimate, but still without the strings attached, right? I've had a lot of those one night, spur of the moment kinds of encounters when in college and 20's; but I REALLY like the FWB type relationships much better now. Less risky in so many areas (to me)...just sayin'...
No, it's different. My experience is halfway there, open relationships rather than fully polyamorous, which is falling in love with and enjoying that openly with multiple people. I'm not personally comfortable with that, I'd always want a primary. But, I certainly had close sexual relationships, and remained great friends with women who had others, because I knew, and she never hid that or lied to me about it. It IS a bit like having lots of FWBs, but closer, because despite the F in FWB, those have only ever been about sex to me. Far as "less risky" goes it's the unparalleled honesty that eliminates the risk to me. Sure those relationships still break up and change, but it won't ever be because or "cheating" in the sexual sense. It redefined "cheating" to me, cheating isn't fucking someone else, it's LYING about it. And the funny thing is that when you do have the freedom to have ONS after ONS and come back to someone who still loves you for it, those ONSs suddenly aren't actually that appealing. I think that's where it becomes truly polyamorous, when you realise that those ONSs are no comparison and not worth the time and demand a lot more connection from your partners.
Buuut I'm no expert, just my lessons from my experience and others'.
There would have been a time when I would have frowned upon and had nothing to do with anyone that I knew had open relationships or FWB...now I'm actually quite envious.
I've been "in love" with several women but that in itself never gave me a boner...sexual arousal did! I don't think there are many people that didn't have sex before they fell in love with their partner.
I've been "in love" with several women but that in itself never gave me a boner...sexual arousal did! I don't think there are many people that didn't have sex before they fell in love with their partner.
I've wondered before about marriage/monogamy being selfish and contrived. I think some people have no right getting married. 50% in the US end up in divorce. Sticking together to raise kids doesn't have to involve being sexually tied to one person, but the construct of the whole thing makes it very convenient and more natural. In nature you would be assured that the kid is yours, and not your buddies who pokes your spouse.
I'm just happy that I've met a female that I could spend the rest of my life living together. And that makes her valuable enough to dedicate my penis to her, when I'm ready to put a ring on her finger. The whole process can seem kind of silly and contrived from the outside; but once you experience it for yourself, you can truly understand it.
I'm just happy that I've met a female that I could spend the rest of my life living together. And that makes her valuable enough to dedicate my penis to her, when I'm ready to put a ring on her finger. The whole process can seem kind of silly and contrived from the outside; but once you experience it for yourself, you can truly understand it.
Y'know what, having been through this, it's completely changed the way I fall in love and what I fall in love with. I fell in love twice last year, and while those didn't go anywhere for whatever reasons, I wouldn't change a thing. Yeah both of those times were after sex, but still, there was something deeper I wanted and started to find than justr a chick who'll dress up in latex and spread her legs on demand It's funny, my standards have shot up now, and I tend to discuss this subject early on because understanding it IS what I'm seeking, and I would be far less attracted to someone who didn't understand or rejected the idea regardless of their beauty.
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I recognise the benefit of marriage for the sake of the children in our society. And I'm not for a second questioning anyone else's choices or feelings on the matter, you're free, as am I, and as should any partner I have be. She's not possession and I'm not hers, but that doesn't mean we can't be in love. To me it's almost the same as making friends. I haven't been jealous of my friends having other friends since primary school, yet I still have the greatest close friends in my life whom I respect and love. Why can't romantic relationships enjoy the same thing? Answer, it's up to you. I dislike possessiveness anyway. How many monogamous relationships suffer fights and jealous arguments because she was talking to another dude, or because I might have texted another woman? Sorry, I've got no time for that in the rest of my life, and this approach just gets rid of all of that in a flash.
Having been here for some years now, and not being likely to ever go back, all I can ironically say is that only once you experience it for yourself, can you truly understand it.
In which case you're not going to stay friends with this buddy or this woman. Open and poly is about honesty. so if you don't know, or you don't know your buddy did it, then she's lying to you, which is cheating, and it's over. If she doesn't know, she'll have to deal with that.
I wrote this long post, and then my browser closed. Damn. Well, I'll just re-write my thoughts. 
I noticed some negativity towards polyamory. I think a lot of this comes from misunderstanding what it is. I'll explain my take on polyamory and what it means to me, and please know that everyone does it a little (or a lot) differently.
I've been exploring polyamory for about 2 years now. I'm still centering on what kind of polyamory works best for me, and I do know that I really really like it.
Here's a chart of different kinds of polyamory:
There's a difference between polyamory and sexual nonmonogamy.
"Polyamory" = "poly" (Greek "many") + "amor" (Latin "love)
Notice there's nothing about sex in there. It's about love. Polyamorous people seek out emotional connection and intimacy with more than one person at a time. It's more about the relationship, support, communication, trust, all of that stuff that goes into a healthy, long-lasting relationship.
Sexually nonmonogamous (or it may be easier to read if I parse it as "non-monogamous") people can be polyamorous as well, but if they aren't it they are more commonly known as "swingers." Swingers tend to be emotionally monogamous, and allow their partner to have sex with other people. There can be boundaries against kissing or dating; what it looks like is something like, "You can fuck whoever you want, just don't kiss/date/fall in love with them."
Swingers are more focused on physical pleasure.
Polyamorous people are more focused on emotional bonding.
I identify as polyamorous. I don't identify as a swinger at all. I've had one night stands, I've had the sex without the emotions. I've tried to separate sex from love. I don't like it. Sex with love is so much more satisfying for me. It's also how my brain and heart work. When I fall in love, I'll want to fuck them all the time. If someone wants to fuck me all the time, I tell them to expect me to fall in love with them. If they can't handle that, I don't have sex with them. I have no shortage of sex or love in my life.
More to come, but I want to post this first before my browser accidentally closes again.
I noticed some negativity towards polyamory. I think a lot of this comes from misunderstanding what it is. I'll explain my take on polyamory and what it means to me, and please know that everyone does it a little (or a lot) differently.
I've been exploring polyamory for about 2 years now. I'm still centering on what kind of polyamory works best for me, and I do know that I really really like it.
Here's a chart of different kinds of polyamory:
There's a difference between polyamory and sexual nonmonogamy.
"Polyamory" = "poly" (Greek "many") + "amor" (Latin "love)
Notice there's nothing about sex in there. It's about love. Polyamorous people seek out emotional connection and intimacy with more than one person at a time. It's more about the relationship, support, communication, trust, all of that stuff that goes into a healthy, long-lasting relationship.
Sexually nonmonogamous (or it may be easier to read if I parse it as "non-monogamous") people can be polyamorous as well, but if they aren't it they are more commonly known as "swingers." Swingers tend to be emotionally monogamous, and allow their partner to have sex with other people. There can be boundaries against kissing or dating; what it looks like is something like, "You can fuck whoever you want, just don't kiss/date/fall in love with them."
Swingers are more focused on physical pleasure.
Polyamorous people are more focused on emotional bonding.
I identify as polyamorous. I don't identify as a swinger at all. I've had one night stands, I've had the sex without the emotions. I've tried to separate sex from love. I don't like it. Sex with love is so much more satisfying for me. It's also how my brain and heart work. When I fall in love, I'll want to fuck them all the time. If someone wants to fuck me all the time, I tell them to expect me to fall in love with them. If they can't handle that, I don't have sex with them. I have no shortage of sex or love in my life.
More to come, but I want to post this first before my browser accidentally closes again.
