Sexual past?

[somebodyelse]

Hi my name is funflyer. I am 37 and have had sex with 5 women in my lifetime. That includes oral. I was not messed up as a kid. I led a very normal and very happy childhood. I find it interesting that someone says a women should have at least 4 partners a year. That would be a big red flag to me. This person is damaged goods and did not have a stable background. If you are averaging a new relationship every 3 months for years than you need to take a moment to stop and figure out why you are pushing everyone away. That is not normal. It's either the people you attract or it is something you are doing. Either way a thorough self examination and significant change is necessary. That is just my opinion of course.

In reality my wife has had numerous partners. Well over my 5. But she did have a terrible childhood. One that was abusive. She would have sex with guys just to feel loved for the moment. Many of her experiences were not even relationships. She did not average 4 relationships a year. But she did experience on average over 4 guys a year. UNTIL she decided this was not making her happy and she examined her life and made changes. That is when I entered the picture. She was brutally honest about her past. She was very clear about her turning point in life. That her past was NOT going to be her future. Thus far we have been friends for 11 years and together for 9. I am very happy and so is she. I have had many times where doubts were coming into the picture. But we can talk about it and work through it. That is my issue not hers. It is not her fault I have ever felt insecure. It was always my fault but together we worked through it.

The OP's feelings are reasonable and understandable. He just needs to talk to her and understand why she did it and accept that. He doesn't have to like it just accept what she did. If he cannot do that then the relationship will probably end. He does need to understand that. The relationship will change at the moment she told him. Hopefully it will change a little and continue on in a happy direction. His wife needs to understand how she has made him feel and work to regain that trust. Although for her to come clean at this point should be a sign that she wants him to know her and trust her and get past the lies.

So you disagreed with me, only to prove me right in your example... Interesting...

But I agree, it's insecurities that crop up with situations like this. It's not the number of people, but the idea that she may have experienced someone better/bigger than the guy she's with. Honestly it's all silliness to me.

It seems like it's mostly an Ego thing. Oh sh*t, she's had a lot of guys... am I really the best she's ever had?!

Honestly Look at Cusp's latest post... His words say it all... Past is past.

Then again, maybe I'm just a forgiving soul and wouldn't judge someone based on how many people they've slept with. It's more the cicumstances of how they slept with someone more than the number of people they slept with.

Although for her to come clean at this point should be a sign that she wants him to know her and trust her and get past the lies.

I just want to highlight this part especially...

That's what I honed in on the first time I read the original post. 100% Truth spoken right here.

 

[MrBigDick]

So you disagreed with me, only to prove me right in your example... Interesting...

But I agree, it's insecurities that crop up with situations like this. It's not the number of people, but the idea that she may have experienced someone better/bigger than the guy she's with. Honestly it's all silliness to me.

It seems like it's mostly an Ego thing. Oh sh*t, she's had a lot of guys... am I really the best she's ever had?!

Honestly Look at Cusp's latest post... His words say it all... Past is past.

Then again, maybe I'm just a forgiving soul and wouldn't judge someone based on how many people they've slept with. It's more the cicumstances of how they slept with someone more than the number of people they slept with.


I just want to highlight this part especially...

That's what I honed in on the first time I read the original post. 100% Truth spoken right here.

You and I think alike SBE.

 

[Closed039]

Dude... how many women have you had sex with???

Think about that for minute.

Now think about that girl... If she sexed you, how many other dudes did she sex before and after you?

Think about that... You are not the only man in the world and she is not the only woman in the world. Right now 350 million people are having sex.

World Population Clock

Look at that... you see that number rolling? Every time that number rolls (give or take 2-3%) a man, 9 months ago, orgasm'd into a woman... There's MANY more people having sex NOT flipping that clock over.

It makes no sense to HONESTLY think that women aren't promiscuous... it's like believing in the Tooth Fairy

How is it that guys can have 150+ women in their notch book and women can't? ridiculous double standard if you ask me.

I'm sorry man but you're just throwing out numbers without any statistics to back them up. And you also lost a good deal of credibility by saying that any girl that didn't have a fucked up child hood has many sexual partners. I think maybe you're biased because you don't know many girls that are not promiscuous...

 

[samsi4life]

This is what I was talking about...

Women who are at least 25 have had more than 20 partners. There's some women who've had problems in their childhood which may have lead them to only having sex with a few guys. But any emotionally healthy responsible woman will have had 20-50 male partners by the time she's 25.

What you have to understand is that women and men age differently and our value to society is inversely proportional.

Women have very high desirability at a young age. They'll get hit on all the time and they have their choice of suitors. Some may just have sex for the fun of it.

Honestly look at the numbers... if a girl goes out clubbing with her friends and meets a guy every two weeks. over the course of a year that's 26 guys right there. it's incredibly easy to start racking up the numbers... 50 guys if she was say 30 by the time she got married is not a big deal... Honestly that's right at the top edge of "normal" in my eyes. If a chick i deem as normal says ANYTHING less than 10, and she's older than 25 I'm liable to call her a full on liar to her face.

Let's break that down...

Lets say a girl has had 56 partners. She started having sex at 16... She gets married at 30... that's a 14 year difference. that's 4 guys a year! a YEAR man... 4 dudes? that's one 3 month relationship every quarter.

Really, in college? Girls can get new guys ever couple of days. All they have to say is "come over" and yes, many girls i knew would have sex with a new guy ever 2 or 3 nights. Their numbers were SKY high...

Don't even waste your time thinking about it...

Yea she knew you'd judge her based on her past experience... that's why she hid it from you. She liked you enough to want to be with you and she knew you'd throw her away if she told you how many frogs she had to kiss to find her prince, you.

Wow you know alot of slutty girls im only 19 but i dont know any girls that have had 50 sex partners in their whole lives usually by my age people have had 2 - 3 id geuss if they werent blatent liars which most guys lie about is how many partners they have sex with, girls tend not to lie. Also I dont think you can gauge sexuality in numbers and fractions, 4 guys a year thats a guy every 1/4th a year??? How can you gauge that when there are relationships that end in all types of diffrent results

 

[somebodyelse]

I'm sorry man but you're just throwing out numbers without any statistics to back them up. And you also lost a good deal of credibility by saying that any girl that didn't have a fucked up child hood has many sexual partners. I think maybe you're biased because you don't know many girls that are not promiscuous...

You'd be incorrect in saying that.

I do know several women who are VERY strict about who gets to sleep with them. They're also really iffy personality wise (Shallow, vein, selfish, etc.). Honestly I wouldn't want to be with them because they're very sneaky and manipulative.

This is just my experience, i'm not speaking for any number of women who are completely sane and have managed to keep their numbers down. I actually know a fair number of those too... Only one example is one that is incredibly impessive to me, but I do not know her sexual history. I also do not care to know it but she's been in a committed relationship for over 6 years and and isn't the old. I'm happy to know she stands out above the rest of the women I know.

You also didn't say how many girls you've slept with.

 

[somebodyelse]

Why Men Lie Up and Women Lie Down | Psychology Today

All Woman Lie About Their # of Sex Partners!- Don Diva Magazine (this one had me laughin my ass off, clearly some of it's meant as a joke, but the information is real)

Women lie about their sex partners | thetelegraph.com.au

Women 'lie about sexual past' | Mail Online

Lovers and liars: How many sex partners have you really had?


Dude that's just a simple search... you look it up yourself. There's a fairly large population of women who ae honest and truthful. There's also a VERY good portion of women who lie through their teeth...

in order to not have your feelings hurt... Assume she's lying and don't CARE what her experience is.

I gave a top end of 50 because you can never REALLY know how many people your GF has slept with. Top end gives you a point that's so high it makes no sense but is within the realm of possibility. It's a i number to help calculate the probability of something happening given that an i number is really the Squareroot of -1.

That said, 20-35 partners is a likely ball park. A 25 year old woman is fresh out of college and looking for a change in pace. She's just gotten out of her attention seeking phase and is settling into life. Attention Seeking is point in a woman's life when she becomes aware of her sexuality and realizes she can have any guy she wants... She uses this time to explore her opportunities and her sexuality. Many times during this period a woman realizes that sex is not something to be trifled with and the slow down, however, generally it's not before they've racked up a few partners very quickly.

I don't think you guys realize just how fast 'numbers' can climb.

In my experience, women who've had a good few partners generally are a lot more grounded, more open to trying things, and less judgmental. Not saying those qualities aren't possessed by few women who i personally i know, that have low numbers... However, in the means of my experiences, across age groups and across ethnic and Socioeconomic spectrums, the things that i've come up with have been my experience.

 

[Closed039]

Exactly what in my post would I be wrong in saying? LOL dude c'mon you can't expect me to read these tabloid reports and accept them as fact that any normal girl without a messed up childhood has 20-25 sexual partners.

I am honestly not sure how many girls I have fucked (this is bad, I know) but it is definitely over 10 and under 20...call it 15. I'm a 21 year old male for what its worth and only one of the girls I fucked was older than me.

 

[CUSP82]

Super Ted; you and I may have some issues one day but not now.
Did anyone even think that we're hearing only one side of a story. Does anyone know why his wife his wife told him what she did? Let's say this clownfish is a bit obsessed with finding out his wifes past. Let's say he's been bugging her for a while. Maybe, just maybe, she got pissed off and told him 50 guys. Interesting number 50; not 51 or 47 but a nice round number just thought off the top of her head. Here we all are saying what a bad girl she might have and maybe, just maybe she's a wonderful person and she's just pissed off! He's a grown man and I really don't think any of us are therapist. To the OP, be a man and figure out your own life. Just remember it is always easier to see the faults in others and not see our own!

 

[somebodyelse]

There's plenty of exceptions. The fact that I know one that doesn't fit the mold means there's millions out there. The fact that I have experience with the lies women tell consistently, that's a problem :laugh:

 

[somebodyelse]

Exactly what in my post would I be wrong in saying? LOL dude c'mon you can't expect me to read these tabloid reports and accept them as fact that any normal girl without a messed up childhood has 20-25 sexual partners.

I am honestly not sure how many girls I have fucked (this is bad, I know) but it is definitely over 10 and under 20...call it 15. I'm a 21 year old male for what its worth and only one of the girls I fucked was older than me.

In most countries, Men and women are pretty damn equal splits of the population. Statistically, you can't have men sleeping with MORE women than Women sleeping with men. That would entail Many men have hit the same few holes.

If 5 women and 5 men were on the planet if all five guys were honest and said they slept with 5 women, then all women would have to be honest and say they slept with 5 men.

in a perfect world that would be the case. How many of the members here who've slept with over 100 women can honestly say they spent time dating all 100 women they've slept with? Not man.

Now the women they slept with... surely you don't think all 100 of those women are the relegated "sluts" that people try to make women who have large numbers of partners out to be.

Be realistic. you're not being realistic right now, you're living in a dream land where every woman can be honest and not be judged.


fuckin' 'ell Look at the "What size would you be if you were a man" Thread... dudes jumped all over the women who answered because they said a size... judged them as being only capable of pleasure from big penises.

ONE OUNCE of honesty from women and Men choke the f*ck up and lose their minds. It's lunacy, man... LUNACY!



BTW, I'm older than you. Your number is exactly mine... By the time you're my age, if you don't get married, your number could very well be double mine. Would you tell a girl that you've slept with 30 women? I'm not much older than the age range in which all of these sexual exploitations i'm talking about. Would you be considered gross? Probably to a girl who only REALLY had 3 partners.

However, a girl who's only had "3" partners can accept that you've slept with 30 women? BAH! get real... she's lying. One of my girlfriends TRULY only slept with ONE dude before... she was mentally broken. Seriously... Don't believe the hype.


I'm worn out on this though. I can't express to you guys how stupid it is to really care how many men she's slept with. It's not a reflection of her character...





CUSP! Interesting turn of events!

 

[sweetie52]

After reading this thread, I am ready to go out clubbing and get me a few groups of ten men! What a life I've missed!!!! Cusp really sparked a dialogue. Rep for you Cusp!!! I have ben thinking, does it matter in the end what has been in the past? Get all the facts together, and move on-start over again. It will be good for both of your souls. Life is too short to waste any more time thinking about this. Take it from someone who knows. Any questions?

 

[somebodyelse]

Wow you know alot of slutty girls im only 19 but i dont know any girls that have had 50 sex partners in their whole lives usually by my age people have had 2 - 3 id geuss if they werent blatent liars which most guys lie about is how many partners they have sex with, girls tend not to lie. Also I dont think you can gauge sexuality in numbers and fractions, 4 guys a year thats a guy every 1/4th a year??? How can you gauge that when there are relationships that end in all types of diffrent results

check my post how i explain how i ended up at 15 girls.

I had a girlfriend who i lost my virginity to (I don't count that horrible first attempt). She cheated on me repeatedly, and I went into a hermit phase. Kinda played witha girl as a senior in highschool, but nothing really happened with her so I don't count that as a "sex" incident. I had sex only when I went to college somewhere around my sohphomore to junior year 19-20. I worked hard at sleeping with 2 girls...ended up in a relationship with one of the girls I slept with... I fell head over heels for her. She dumped me as soon as she got what she needed from me.

Broken, I went on a pussy banging spree to fill the hole she left in me. in that time I slept with maybe 5 girls i think. Four right after the breakup. two were one night stands, then three ended up buddies. When i graduated i moved out form down there, had to find another situation... Found a few more fun buddies where I moved to. If i remember correctly, I had 6 over the course of 2 years. Then I met the friend of my soon to be ex girlfriend. we only sexed once, but it counted.

then I found my Dunce Cap wearing GF who was an immature brat. that brings me to 15 i think. The old lady and I didn't really make it all the way so I don't count her as a "sexual" experience.

Honestly 15 comes up so fast that you don't really notice it. It's unrealistic to assume a girl would only have 3 partners.

Not withstanding my Last foray with an old F-buddy a few months ago, I have abstained from having sex for years at a time.

 

[Raider]

So, your wife tells you three... Then you find out its over fifty and over 100 BJ's......

Damn bud, that's way harsh that she lied to you like that. I know that if that happened to me I would be very angry and would feel betrayed..someone who has chosen to marry you should always be honest.

But in the end you need to realize that you have been married for 10 years to this women so the love that you two have for eachother is real and I know this is easier said than done and I probably wouldn't be able to do this but you need to just try and forget about this and think about how great your relationship with this women has been.

The fact that she lied is awful and you probably wouldn't have gone for her if you knew about her past (I know I wouldn't have), but to me that shows she didn't want to hurt your feelings and risk losing you so I think she really cares about you.

Anyways, I hope everything works out for you whether you decide to stay with this women or not.

Good luck man.

 

[islander]

SBE, I can see your point now. If you go hog wild in a few month span yes you could rack up some numbers.
I think for me I just could never, and hope I never do, use multiple sex partners to get my sh*t straight. If I need a rush I will smoke a joint, get in a race car with a driver and do some laps, take a trip or yell at a bunch of people and treat them like sh*t for a few weeks hahahaha
But again, that doesn't make me the good girl, the nice girl, the better girl than the one with 20+ partners. I am a lioness and can rip apart anyone that gets me mad.I sound like such a hard ass but most the time I am just so pleasant really lol

 

[somebodyelse]

That's all I've been saying.^

 

[CUSP82]

Well I ain't messin ya!

 

[captainsaveaho]

It's not the number of people, but the idea that she may have experienced someone better/bigger than the guy she's with.

I think you're missing the OP's point on this. His problem is that she lied to him about her past, and his relationship is based on the fact that he thought he was with someone who had similar morals as him. It seems as though he feels like he was "tricked" into being with her, because she made him believe one thing which turned out to not be the truth. Obviously not everyone is going to see things the same way as he does, and not everyone cares about how many sexual partners their significant other has had in the past, but the OP does and that is the matter at hand. I mean there are plenty of men out there who are perfectly fine with dating porn stars. Does that mean the OP should be? Or that any other guy should be? No. All it means (and what should be apparent from the varying opinions on this thread) is that everyone is different. You can't just tell someone to stop caring about something that's important to them and expect it to fix anything.

 

[captainsaveaho]

The main dilemma here for the OP is if/how he can trust his wife after finding out she lied about that. Once trust is broken, it's extremely hard to regain.

My advice would go along with what has been said already a few times; she obviously told you the truth because she wants to be honest with you. This proves that her intentions are good, and that she does care about you. It's up to you whether or not that kind of dishonesty (or honesty, depending how you look at it) is a deal-breaker. 10 years of marriage is a long time. Do you feel that she has been faithful to you during this time? And if not, is it just because of this incident? As has been said over and over, everyone has a past. YOU are the one that is in this relationship, not any of us. That means the decision is up to you.

 

[somebodyelse]

I think you're missing the OP's point on this. His problem is that she lied to him about her past, and his relationship is based on the fact that he thought he was with someone who had similar morals as him. It seems as though he feels like he was "tricked" into being with her, because she made him believe one thing which turned out to not be the truth. Obviously not everyone is going to see things the same way as he does, and not everyone cares about how many sexual partners their significant other has had in the past, but the OP does and that is the matter at hand. I mean there are plenty of men out there who are perfectly fine with dating porn stars. Does that mean the OP should be? Or that any other guy should be? No. All it means (and what should be apparent from the varying opinions on this thread) is that everyone is different. You can't just tell someone to stop caring about something that's important to them and expect it to fix anything.

The OP has every right to be upset with his wife... She lied to him. That's a No-No in every part of the world. Especially about something that he held dear.

What I'm expressing is that what he held dear is not something that should be held so dearly. All it does is foster hate against women, and breeds more reason for them to lie to their significant others.

It's like for every one that does admit, 10s don't admit it. it sucks... Hell there's been two guys in this thread (if i'm not jumbling attacks on me together) that have had the SAME thing happen to them. They marry or pair off with a girl only to find she's got a little more experience than she let on.

Seriously, i've noticed in many cases that women can decipher what we'll do based on how they affect our Egos. If she lied to protect your ego, then you should realize that she knows where your soft point is and that she loves you enough to never dig into you there. She loves the bloke enough to finally tell him that her lie has to come out and that she still loves him and there's a reason she's been with him for 10 years.

It bothers him and I can understand why, but on the same guise, he has to understand that if this revelation was made in a loving sense, then she values him more than her "reputation." She put herself on the line and is sacrificing herself to him. It's up to him to make sure that she is accepted for her past AND for her lying to protect HIM!

To Add:

I should point out that your post is derogatory to any woman with more than the OP's first number his wife had.

She's morally upstanding because she had 3 partners? Any woman with more than that is a porn star? That's exactly the attitude that i'm talking about. THAT'S why women lie about how many partners they've had.

You all think i'm just throwing sh*t out there just to read it for my own jollies... Just take a look at yourselves in this thread. It's clearly ridiculous.

 

[Closed039]

Your posts are pretty condescending, frankly. You have accused various members now of living in dream worlds, not in reality, "look at yourselves," etc. You are just missing the point of this thread as well as captainsaveaho's recent post, and now charging him with being derogatory toward women simply because you don't understand what he is saying.

Saveaho did not say that any woman with more than 3 sexual partners is a pornstar and therefore not morally upstanding. He was merely using a pornstar (many partners) as a comparison against what his wife said (3 partners), and mentioned that some men, whether it is right or wrong, are not on board with dating a woman with a large sexual past. I hope that you now understand what is going on better so that we can avoid charging some of the posters with being derogatory toward women or not grasping fully the points being made in this conversation.