I guess this is my sequel thread to being 20 and never being in a relationship

[ryansambas]

But some guys don't even have to try and women come to them! Why can't I just be one of those guys lol

Well I didn't wear my contact lenses today so I was stuck in glasses

In terms of what happened today at work, that girl from work who I liked came in to buy a GPS with three of her friends. If only I was wearing contacts, she might have wanted to have 'relations'! haha just kidding Only comment I really have is she seemed to indirectly use the cheerleader effect, she was the best out of those 4 by quite a margin. And I don't mean that in a way by the other three were ugly, she was just clearly the best out of the 4. Yes I know I'm shallow but that was just what I was thinking, it's not like I used that thought for any decision lol. Unlike other people I admit I'm a bit shallow and possibly unrealistic with the girls I want but whatever.

 

[Qarzan]

But some guys don't even have to try and women come to them! Why can't I just be one of those guys lol

You know what Ryan? You CAN be one of those guys. Their ability to talk to girls didn't happen overnight; they worked on it, to get where they are. You are already on the path, just not as far along as them. You will get there, though.

Great lovers aren't born, they're made.

 

[ryansambas]

I hope so

 

[ryansambas]

Another Saturday Night stuck inside the house :-/ no meeting women for me lol

 

[Qarzan]

Hey man, you should try to enjoy the time you have by yourself. Learn about yourself, read some books, take yourself out to a movie, do things you otherwise wouldn't be able to do if you were around someone else.

Society puts too much of a stigma against being alone, like it's some kind of disease that has to be cured. Learn to be ok with being by yourself. It will help with a lot of the things you're struggling with: confidence, self-assurance, calm & clarity of mind...

 

[ryansambas]

In terms of the things I do alone, gym is about the only one and sometimes I do that with my mate. I don't really want to do much else on a weekend other than go out to bars and clubs and drinks with mates like most people do at my age but I only do that every so often because I don't have many friends I can go out with and even then we don't go out on a consistent basis. It's really frustrating but I'm not sure how I can change that, I only have about 6 to 8 true friends and quite a lot of 'acquaintances' but I only go out with my friends if I do go out. Hopefully it changes when I go back to university end of the month but I'm not holding my breath.

 

[ItWasWritten]

In terms of the things I do alone, gym is about the only one and sometimes I do that with my mate. I don't really want to do much else on a weekend other than go out to bars and clubs and drinks with mates like most people do at my age but I only do that every so often because I don't have many friends I can go out with and even then we don't go out on a consistent basis. It's really frustrating but I'm not sure how I can change that, I only have about 6 to 8 true friends and quite a lot of 'acquaintances' but I only go out with my friends if I do go out. Hopefully it changes when I go back to university end of the month but I'm not holding my breath.

That's a lot. Be glad. I know a lot of older people who don't even have one they can call a true friend. You're young still. Get yourself out there more and try to join as many activities as you can.

 

[jelqman]

Find something worth pursuing, and understand who you are and what you stand for. I used to have so much trouble with self-esteem, then I realized what I personally stood for and pursued those things (music, working out, etc). I've also learned that looks really aren't all that important when it comes towards talking with women. Let me give you an example:

I've been losing my hair for 3 years now, and I seriously had the most amazing hair out of anyone I knew back in the day. Not to sound shallow, but the one thing women noticed about me was the hair, and they absolutely loved it. Funny enough, my self esteem was so low that I never really had the confidence to talk/pursue any of these women that readily. I was always scared about losing my hair, because I thought that would mean women would not wanna talk to me anymore, blah blah blah, etc. Well, I shaved my head about 2 weeks ago, and it's weird, I have MUCH more confidence now. Why? Because I've realized that having a good head of hair is dandy, but having confidence and learning how to talk to people is MUCH more beneficial in the long run. I find it so much easier to talk to women now; I've probably approached/talked to more women in the last 2 weeks than I did all of last year.

At the end of the day, you are who you make yourself out to be. Get it done.

 

[ryansambas]

I've never been confident enough to approach a woman. With me, I've always been able to talk to a person after I've been introduced even if I barely know them and I can get along great with them whether they are male or female. The girls I've liked enough to where I have considered asking them out or have asked them out (which has only been 3) came from school, work and a club. So the three major places I guess and obviously the first two was because I was in the same classroom/worked with her so that's how we were introduced and what I've noticed is I liked these girls from the introduction. The girl at the club introduced herself to me whilst she was sitting next to one of my friends by the way so I didn't approach her. It actually shows my lack of confidence with the girl at work as I had worked at the same place as her for 2+ years but never said a single word to her until we had a shift with each other in the same department, we knew of each other and we actually saw each other in a club a few times (she brought it up in the first meeting that she had seen me) so I've never been great at throwing myself out there.

So basically I can talk to women and make them laugh etc.

My major problems are:

1. Approaching the female/s and introducing myself
2. I always overthink before I ask a girl out (even though it really has only been twice legitimately)
3. Rejection has always stopped me I think from really asking a girl out in the past, ever since I entered high school whether it was because I was fat back then or not, I always had the idea that if I asked a girl out she'd laugh and tell everyone and they would all laugh at me. That hasn't really left me even though I know that's unrealistic these days, I've sort of gotten past that but I always overthink 'what will happen if she rejects me? How will she react, will she tell everyone she knows' etc.

 

[Qarzan]

My major problems are:

1. Approaching the female/s and introducing myself
2. I always overthink before I ask a girl out (even though it really has only been twice legitimately)
3. Rejection has always stopped me I think from really asking a girl out in the past, ever since I entered high school whether it was because I was fat back then or not, I always had the idea that if I asked a girl out she'd laugh and tell everyone and they would all laugh at me. That hasn't really left me even though I know that's unrealistic these days, I've sort of gotten past that but I always overthink 'what will happen if she rejects me? How will she react, will she tell everyone she knows' etc.

This is a great start, Ryan! Now start working on these issues. Knock them out, one by one, and you'll be golden!

Were you on the forums about a year ago, when I started posting on here? Man, I was a wreck: divorce on the brink, overthinking everything, self-esteem issues all over the place. I can't say they're completely gone, but they're definitely greatly improved. I started by doing exactly what you did right here: list your issues.

Then I started working on them, and here I am today! Still not done, but when I look back I'm doing much better now. Now, get going!

 

[Thick_Unit]

But some guys don't even have to try and women come to them! Why can't I just be one of those guys lol

Oh you mean the ones that ask the guy out??


I been asked out a few times. been a few years since.

 

[ryansambas]

Yeah but I'll probably never be one of those guys haha. My valentines day was me waking up at 3pm then I went to the gym worked on back + biceps and did 60 mins of cardio.

 

[Thick_Unit]

Yeah but I'll probably never be one of those guys haha. My valentines day was me waking up at 3pm then I went to the gym worked on back + biceps and did 60 mins of cardio.

Only the aggressive type would ask a guy out.


All the times I was asked out I was wearing my lucky over shirt. But I look much better when wearing it.

 

[ryansambas]

Lol well the type of girls I've liked probably wouldn't ask any guy out to be honest so nothing so much to do with me in that regard.

 

[ryansambas]

I'm seeing her tagged on facebook having fun at parties and out and about! Why can't that be me lol

 

[Hockey_NY]

Don't end up like me, Ryan.

I appreciate the fact that you seem to work out a lot. Why? Because it is something you have complete control over and can cherish and see results, no? Getting into the dating game can seem daunting, but as others have said you just have to figure out what you are really worried about. Yes, it would be nice if they went up to us and that was the norm, but it is not. I've seen my friends get hit on, but a lot comes into play. Sometimes looks, but sometimes just the way you portray and conduct yourself.

Are you introverted? Shy? You like to work out, I assume you like some outdoor sports and activities. A good idea would be to start doing some unisex sports or outdoor stuff where you can meet people. Kayaking at a busy river or lake? Hiking around popular trails, etc.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[ryansambas]

I'm shy when it comes to meeting new people male or female because I just never like introducing myself to people, if someone introduces themselves to me I'm fine because I know they want to talk to me I guess. Gym is great because I put in hard work and I do get results, I wish I did this a year ago instead of chasing a girl, putting in hard work (not just by actually asking her out or whatever but mentally more than anything) and trying to establish something and failing isn't something I want to do a lot. I know I went about it wrong though but at the moment the thought of having to put in a lot of hard work to get a girl just isn't appealing to me, I'm very direct in terms of who I like (although I never express it to said person) and the girls I've liked have been from the initial meeting as I've said previously.

Only thing is I haven't been interested in a girl since the two I've met at the end of 2010, not sure why. It's not that I don't find many females attractive because I do, I guess it's because I don't meet that many new females and of all the females I know and who I'd recognise if I saw them (which would be in the hundreds even if I barely know them) there are no girls I'd ask out from that group mostly because I don't see any of them on a regular basis.

But the last thing I want to do is get a girlfriend for the sake of it, I'll wait if I have to because hopefully it will be worth it. My standards may be a bit high but they are obviously not impossible.

 

[Brandon85]

Ryan M'man,

Find out who you are as a person. Find your inner core. Find your insecurities. Find your passions. Know yourself inside and out. When you do, you will find yourself to be a much more confident man. Not just thinking you are confident. You are confident.

Why? Because when one knows their insecurities, for example, the insecurities may still be there, but now they don't have as much control over you.

With the topic of girls and relationships: I think girls like to be pursued when it comes to relationships. I hope I am not offending any women here when I said that. Be confident and strong. Women are naturally drawn to those male attributes.

But, I will say that there are some men who women pursue. Are they 'lucky'? In my opinion (and depending on the man), I will say no.

It is not fun trying to pretend one didn't see the overt flirtatious body language. It isn't fun when one has to hurt a girls feelings when you tell them that you are not interested in them. It is extremely uncomfortable when girlfriends/wives of your friends blatantly come on to you. It is sheer hell when a girl texts you suggestive messages and your jealous girlfriend grabs your phone from you and reads them. There are more. Much more.

The good part of women pursuing guys? The guy usually (actually never) has to buy himself a drink at a club, let alone for a girl. It can be an ego booster at times (but remember, if girls hit on you, chances are that gay guys will hit on you too and if you are not gay, it can be uncomfortable). Umm, that is all the advantages I can think of when girls hit on guys.

Be strong. Be yourself.

 

[ryansambas]

I suppose but all of that takes time, I don't mean that I'm looking for a 'quick fix' but more of those sorts of things are found out as you progress in life.

What I keep forgetting (yes I forget because I only just 'remembered' now) is that I've never even kissed a girl and I'm turning 21 this year! That ain't right! It's not like I shouldn't have!

 

[Brandon85]

Ryan,

You have to try and not be so hard on yourself and so down. Personal depressive energy is a drain not just on yourself but to those around you as well. Most people (girls included) do not like being around Eeyore (disney character). Likes attract. Simple as that.

Qarzan has some great advice. Go out and do things with friends or by yourself. Heck, I used to got to concerts by myself because no one had the same interests as me. Just because you are with someone does not guarantee that you won't be alone. I think everyone has been in relationships where they felt alone.

The grass is not always greener on the other. I know it is hard to believe because it seems to suck for you right now. But believe me, everyone needs a little time to themselves. Time by yourself is the best time to find out who you are on the inside. True beauty comes from the inside out.

Girls are naturally attracted to confidence. Natural confidence. Most girls, especially pretty ones, have heard all the pick up lines already. Be yourself and attract the girls that is compatible with you.

My single friends have this idealistic woman in their mind. An actual list. But as soon as the girl displays something that is out of their ideal, they become disillusioned. Their 'list' is too unrealistic. A list of things to look for in a person is really insulting to me. A person is not made of a list. A person is who they are. Their life experiences, their outlook, their sense of humor etc.