I guess this is my sequel thread to being 20 and never being in a relationship

[TheSnitch]

Ryan,

The greatest challenge in a mans life, at least from what little experience I have thus far, is to learn how to appreciate solitude. Solitude is a state of self appreciation where you don't need anyone else to fulfill your wants or desires. You learn to appreciate your time with yourself, and make it constructive and fun.

Solitude is not loneliness, loneliness is a state in which you yearn for someone to make your life what you want it to be - and it will drain the life from you.

The pursuit of it is a double edge sword, it's rewards allow you to no longer need the approval of others (men and women) yet you'll find you get it much more then ever before.

The things you want will come, when you finally let go of they're singular pursuit.

 

[ryansambas]

I don't view myself as unhappy or depressed overall, more in a rut than anything like groundhog day. At the moment im just doing work and gym, I go back to university/college next week so that will add a new element at least. More than anything I just like avenues to talk about things like this on, if I really hated being on my own I'd be desperate to try and get a woman but that's not the case. For example I look at my older brother and he is a complete opposite to me including the girlfriends past and present he has went out with, because of the three I wouldn't be interested in any of them. I know I have somewhat high standards but they are possible, the only reason I haven't had success lately is because I haven't met any new women at all. but when I do go out I don't talk like thus obviously, I'm just myself, glad to be out the house lol.

 

[ryansambas]

Well she (the girl I liked) asked me on facebook today if I could do her shift on Saturday Morning (less than two days notice) and I was annoyed because I'm sick of people expecting me to do their shifts on Saturday when they drop out and she left it till the last minute because the guy I was working with tonight said she has known about this for a week but didn't tell anyone until she asked me today so I replied back about 8 hours later with "I can't do it this Saturday.", didn't purposely wait to tell her I was actually working when she sent it and I didn't get home till about 5 hours after she sent it. Most of it was just the principle to be honest, I don't really want to just be there to make her life more convenient when it suits her plus I'm going out on Friday Night and I really don't want to wake up early to do her shift on a Saturday. She was probably surprised because I normally do her shifts (it's decent money for a part time job) but I don't need the money badly.

Her message was "RYANNNN, is there anyway that you can do my Saturday shift this week at (the time it was for 4.5 hours). If you could get back to me ASAP that would be awesome thank you !!! xx"

And after my message it was "Ahhh ok thanks anyway.."

Just by the words and the way she said it she sounds annoyed at me refusing to do a shift that's not mine in the first place lol. Although it's not something she and I will care about after this Saturday. I don't really want to make this sound like a big deal by the way, it really isn't her specifically, it's a few people at work who ask but I don't see why I should just jump in when they want me to. Plus I start university again on Monday, it's my last truly free weekend before I start again because no doubt I'll have loads of work to do from uni over the next few months. I suppose a bit of it is specifically to do with her in the fact I don't want to be a pushover, there isn't anything there obviously so I shouldn't feel bad saying no and I shouldn't be compelled to do it for her just because she asks me too.

And when I said at the end of 2011/start of 2012 that I'm not going back to liking her so much that I want to ask her out again I meant it, anyway to negate that is what I have to do as well. Not seeing her anymore works, I'd hate to imagine what I'd be like if we worked together weekly or even the same day and I had to see her every week.

 

[Qarzan]

I don't view myself as unhappy or depressed overall, more in a rut than anything like groundhog day. At the moment im just doing work and gym, I go back to university/college next week so that will add a new element at least. More than anything I just like avenues to talk about things like this on, if I really hated being on my own I'd be desperate to try and get a woman but that's not the case. For example I look at my older brother and he is a complete opposite to me including the girlfriends past and present he has went out with, because of the three I wouldn't be interested in any of them. I know I have somewhat high standards but they are possible, the only reason I haven't had success lately is because I haven't met any new women at all. but when I do go out I don't talk like thus obviously, I'm just myself, glad to be out the house lol.

I'm going to give some controversial advice. But please take it as that: advice; you can choose to take it or not.

How about lowering your standards then? If you have such high standards, and it's what's keeping you from going out with girls, maybe this is the problem.

Recently I've been focusing on being present and aware in the moment, really listening and appreciating people for who they are. This has really put me in touch with being aware of a person for their personality and character, and I can say that physical appearance barely plays a role in my attraction towards women any more.

Just a suggestion, you might want to try it out...

 

[Qarzan]

Well she (the girl I liked) asked me on facebook today if I could do her shift on Saturday Morning (less than two days notice) and I was annoyed because I'm sick of people expecting me to do their shifts on Saturday when they drop out and she left it till the last minute because the guy I was working with tonight said she has known about this for a week but didn't tell anyone until she asked me today so I replied back about 8 hours later with "I can't do it this Saturday.", didn't purposely wait to tell her I was actually working when she sent it and I didn't get home till about 5 hours after she sent it. Most of it was just the principle to be honest, I don't really want to just be there to make her life more convenient when it suits her plus I'm going out on Friday Night and I really don't want to wake up early to do her shift on a Saturday. She was probably surprised because I normally do her shifts (it's decent money for a part time job) but I don't need the money badly.

Her message was "RYANNNN, is there anyway that you can do my Saturday shift this week at (the time it was for 4.5 hours). If you could get back to me ASAP that would be awesome thank you !!! xx"

And after my message it was "Ahhh ok thanks anyway.."

Just by the words and the way she said it she sounds annoyed at me refusing to do a shift that's not mine in the first place lol. Although it's not something she and I will care about after this Saturday. I don't really want to make this sound like a big deal by the way, it really isn't her specifically, it's a few people at work who ask but I don't see why I should just jump in when they want me to. Plus I start university again on Monday, it's my last truly free weekend before I start again because no doubt I'll have loads of work to do from uni over the next few months. I suppose a bit of it is specifically to do with her in the fact I don't want to be a pushover, there isn't anything there obviously so I shouldn't feel bad saying no and I shouldn't be compelled to do it for her just because she asks me too.

And when I said at the end of 2011/start of 2012 that I'm not going back to liking her so much that I want to ask her out again I meant it, anyway to negate that is what I have to do as well. Not seeing her anymore works, I'd hate to imagine what I'd be like if we worked together weekly or even the same day and I had to see her every week.

I wouldn't think too much of it; she asked if you could take her shift, you stood your ground and refused; she replied with a standard response. I think it was a good thing for you to refuse; you were being assertive, and watching out for yourself!

 

[ryansambas]

To be honest for me, my obvious standards are that girls I'm interested can't be too skinny or too overweight which I believe is fair. In terms of being attracted to girls, I don't just look at a girl and say 'she looks good, I have to try and do something', sure the looks can reel me in but the personality and attitude makes or breaks whether I actually become interested in the girl or not. And to be honest there hasn't been any girls I can recall who have been interested in me and I have brushed them away because of their looks, I'll just wait and see what happens, like I've said if I see an opportunity I'll take it but it isn't high on my list of priorities. My highest priority is university since I go back on Monday and I want to have a great semester results wise unlike my last one, I think I can do that if I focus and work hard for the 4 months or so.

But I'd be lying if physical appearance means little to me, I'm 20. I think most are a bit shallow in terms of physical appearance, it's just how we are as humans I believe.

 

[KungFuJoe]

Ryan,

Going to be brutally honest here. You are coming off as seriously mental and even a little creepy. The irony of all this is that you think all these girls are playing mind games with you when they are probably being totally straight forward but your attitude towards them probably has them thinking, "What is wrong with this guy!?!?"

 

[ryansambas]

I don't think that's the case at all, this is probably just how you are interpreting it and I can only type these things, I can't actually show how it actually went in any other form. My attitude towards them has never been creepy or mental, I never constantly message, call or communicate with girls to the point of it annoying them, I actually made sure I didn't do that because I know if the roles are reversed, that would turn me off straight away. I think as well as that, I literally post everything I think in these threads and over analyse on this forum, I don't actually walk around all the time thinking these things, this forum is just a great avenue to unleash everything I guess.

 

[Qarzan]

I don't think that's the case at all, this is probably just how you are interpreting it and I can only type these things, I can't actually show how it actually went in any other form. My attitude towards them has never been creepy or mental, I never constantly message, call or communicate with girls to the point of it annoying them, I actually made sure I didn't do that because I know if the roles are reversed, that would turn me off straight away. I think as well as that, I literally post everything I think in these threads and over analyse on this forum, I don't actually walk around all the time thinking these things, this forum is just a great avenue to unleash everything I guess.

Yeah, I totally understand where you're coming from, Ryan. These forums are the sole outlet for certain kinds of thoughts that can't really be vented in any other way. All other thoughts are vented through other channels.

 

[ryansambas]

Yeah plus being anonymous is good lol.

 

[ryansambas]

Well here is another update.

I had to work on Friday which is the same day the girl I liked works (I was covering a shift, I don't normally work fridays. I need money lol), anyway first of all I had to go next door to use the computer in her department. I didn't look at her at all, I just did what I had to do and then she stood next to me and asked me to tick an order off for her so I did, then I walked back to my department.

Then she rang up asking for me to cover her to do her break (This isn't her asking me specifically, someone in the store has to do her break as she is the only one who works there and as she works so many hours, she gets a couple of breaks and I know her section more than anyone in the store at that time on a Friday), then she comes back and we started talking for a few minutes before I went back about life such as uni, holidays/vactions etc and even when I looked into her eyes, I didn't feel anything. She looked as good as ever physically but I didn't feel anything beyond that even now. No what if's, no I wonder if I should ask her out, no lingering complicated feelings, sadness or anything. It felt good that I was able to talk to her without feeling bad afterwords, I don't want to talk to her all the time because it would probably bring all the feelings back but it's good that I can finally move on now, I was already doing that since the end of 2011 but it feels like it is confirmed. All I think now is 'I would have sex with her' which is primal male instincts and thoughts I guess.

Here is the weird thing, this week is exactly one year from the first time I asked her out. It's funny how time works. It has taken me this long to move on (although the first time she said yes, I asked her out again end of March 2011 and I haven't asked her out since).

Oh and I don't specifically remember dates, it's just how my mind is. I have a very good memory when it comes to events and things, even from when I was a child.

 

[ryansambas]

I'm also getting fitter and stronger due to gym, more specifically I seem to look 'bigger' to people but it's only guys who have said so at this point (who also go to gym regularly so they can tell better I guess). I think it's actually making my life better overall, I actually think it's a big reason why I don't feel anything for the girl at work anymore, can't explain it much more than that at the moment but I think it's just due to the positive energy it's releasing or something.

 

[vball]

read up some information about david deangelo he is great for women and dating

 

[ryansambas]

I might but I don't respect how much he charges for 'his theories' and the fact he is worth so much based off things he didn't even invent.

 

[vball]

there are ways to get his stuff for free my friends do it i have few of his products and they are pretty good

 

[ryansambas]

yeah i have downloaded a few e-books, never really read them. For the time being I'm focused on gym and university, if i see a girl I like I'll try but if I'm going to be reading anything it'll be university material lol. Want to do well in my final year.

 

[ryansambas]

The other day I was at uni I met a couple of new girls, first girl was in a class where I need to be in a group of 4 for an assignment. I was actually hoping to be with her from when I started because my classes are dominated by international students (I live in Australia, most international students are from Asia) so a lot are not good with the language and I have been in a couple of groups with just Asians and I don't really like it to be honest, it's very hard at times and I don't care about race, religion etc but I want at least a diversification. Last year I was in a group with 2 asian females and another one with 3 asian females, when I'm in a group I want to be with people I can at least talk with about other things and not just the work.

Now back to this group there is me, this one girl and two other guys but they speak English perfectly so I don't need to worry there. She is attractive and has a great smile. We got in a group basically because we were sitting in close proximity and just agreed to be in the group.

The second girl was at a free beer/BBQ thing my uni holds every wednesday, it was quite funny because we went to the same high school and she lives in the same area as me sometimes (I go into the city for uni so the likelihood of meeting someone who went to my school is probably 1 in 2500 or something). I started talking to her while we were in a group setting (6 or so of us in a circle).

Not saying I have any plans to ask these girls out or anything but at least hopefully I'm networking more and starting a good trend.

 

[ryansambas]

Update:

Went out on thursday night with a few mates and ended up at a club, I ended up drinking too much and I don't remember the last hour or so in the club but I remember the cab ride home. Apparently I talked (or they talked to me) about 4 or 5 'hot' girls (according to my friend), I vaguely remember talking to some girls but the three i most remember (three in a group, not separate) weren't that great (yes I'm being shallow, shoot meee but in terms of talking too because they were pretty annoying) and I remember talking to others but it's a bit of a blur. I guess I'm more confident when I drink, just shouldn't drink as much. Although whilst drink would have helped, I also know it was still me. Even if I didn't drink, in a club environment (which isn't my local nightclub where I know a lot of people there) I can talk to girls and if nothing happens or something bad happens, only people who will see if any that know me are my mates. I just wish I knew what I said Didn't get any action though

 

[IHaveAHugeNick]

I'm gonna chime in here with some advice because lets face it, you haven't gotten enough already (lol)

Anyhow, it looks like it all comes down to confidence. The longer you wait to ask a girl you like out, the more you're just torturing yourself with all these unanswered questions and imagined scenarios. And, you risk losing her to someone else you is willing to make his move.

Just get over the hump, and ask her out. It's best to do it when no one else is around so she doesn't feel pressured to give in (better to know now that she's not interested) and if she does say no, it's just her that knows not her and everyone around that hears it. So, pick a quiet moment and ask her to the movies, diner, a club, or whatever you think would be something you could both enjoy.

You're just killing yourself slowly by waiting. Waiting for what? Her to give you a sign? Ask her out and you'll get your sign. Even during and after the date, things could change. She'll either become more or less interested in you. Again, better to find out sooner rather than later. Just be positive around her. Talk about things that interest you both, or better yet, ask her stuff to get her to open up a little to you.

If it's not a specific girl you have your eye on, then just start by asking some attractive woman you like (and hopefully know) out. Even if nothing much comes after the date, at least you're getting your feet wet. You'll see, being told no when asking someone out doesn't have to be a great big crushing thing. It's only as big a deal, as you make it out to be.

Basically, stop with the Macbeth-like wishy washyness and just do it. Find a nice looking girl who's avail and ask her out. Take that first step already. It's nerve wracking yes, but also makes you feel alive.

 

[Qarzan]

Just my way of doing things, I know others don't necessarily do it this way:

Advance towards physical/emotional intimacy. Build trust and communication. Ask her out after you've already advanced to the point where a kiss would definitely not go denied. Best to actually get the kiss though.