I guess this is my sequel thread to being 20 and never being in a relationship

blulite

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Well to start off here is the original thread:

https://www.pegym.com/forums/relati...t-20-never-being-relationship.html?highlight=

and this is my last big thread on the subject:

https://www.pegym.com/forums/womans...ive-whether-girl-likes-me-not.html?highlight=

It didn't work out with the girl from work, I didn't need to ask her out a third time because I finally knew nothing was there and I didn't want to give her an ego boost at the expense of my ego and confidence so finally my brain has accepted that I have to move on and I am unlike other times where I said that to myself but I didn't actual do that, it's weird because it's almost as if I can't control it even though it's always me, it feels as if there is something else controlling me when it comes to getting over a girl...weird.

Anyway my perspective has changed somewhat. I don't think I was ever desperate but when I found a girl I really liked, I tried pretty hard and I didn't end up with anything. For me, I don't want to dive straight into something like that where I work hard and convince myself something should happen and come away with nothing to show for it. I just want to lay low for a little but at the same time I do want opportunities to come my way, it's not that I don't realise that I have to make them happen for the most part especially being a male but I don't want to have to do so much hard work from the get go.

I know that if I do find a girl I like, I will get it over with (asking her out) as soon as possible (at most a month after meeting her or if I already some what know her, 2 or 3 weeks). I don't want to let anything drag anymore, I want to know where I stand before I get myself into another cycle like I have in the past where I never let go.

In terms of this month I'm just focused on gym and seeing my friends, I want a better body for myself and I'm also looking to lose the glasses and get contact lenses especially for work and going out just to improve my appearance more. Hopefully with the increased confidence, I will have more opportunities.

In terms of current opportunities, I don't really have any major ones. There is this girl I used to go to high school with although we have never actually had a proper real life conversation, we banter and sometimes chat on facebook, and on statuses, wall posts etc about our football teams and she is good looking but I don't want to ask her out mainly because we have never talked before, I think it would be very awkward. The last thing I want to create is a situation where we feel like we are very comfortable with each other because of the internet and then find out it's the opposite, the internet can obviously be deceiving. We work fairly close to each other in a shopping centre and obviously live within 15-20 minutes of each other so I'm sure we'll have a proper conversation next time we see each other in a public setting, and from there I can see if I do have a real opportunity with this girl. I'm not waiting for her, if it happens, it happens.

Anyway, just wanted to state this. It's a good platform for writing down what's in my head :)

heres a good suggestion for you, find a local jehova's witness and ask for a copy of the book "the secret to family happiness" , that book is a seriousley good read and offers counsel on all sorts of subjects that will keep your head straight. you will aquire the book for free and all you have to do is read it. maybe even learn something in the process.

now im not trying to push religion on you here, merely offering you the opportunity to read a book. iv read it and its really good. still not sure if there is actually a god, but one thing i am sure of is ive been able to keep my head a lot more since reading it... well... the bits i wanted to , but im currently reading it from cover to cover ..
 

Nachos87

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I never said that was what I meant when I referred to manipulating. What is manipulative, is the entire MINDSET of PUA. From ideas such as "the alpha male" to the ideas such as "oneitits". PUAs are conditioned to view their techniques as a tool to attract women rather than a tool to develop social skills. There is a HUGE disconnect in the rationale behind PUA, and it runs rampant through the entire industry. PUA is essentially marketed social skills with a chauvinistic overtone pitched to insecure, socially awkward males. Those men would be better off studying the psychological principles behind PUA to develop a deeper and less biased understanding of human nature. It would make them see that this is how all social interaction functions and that what they are learning is essentially trainer tips to socialize. Unfortunately, most don't see this and view it as a formula for "getting women into bed". I am not here to bash the material, as my posts should have made clear. I am simply illustrating how the philosophies and founding ideas behind PUA are manipulative in their very nature.

Hell, its even in the name... Pick-up Artist... what does that mean?
Pick Up (Urban Dictionary): To meet someone, usually at a bar or party, and persuade them to leave with you in order to have sex. Used for in-person encounters, as opposed to hookup, which can also be used for internet meetings for sex.

Nacho, what you described is what the smart guys are doing. Clearly, you fit that bill, but it is not what PUA was designed as. All the tools are there, but most people don't view them the way you do, or use them the way you do. They abuse the lessons they learn and take advantage of what is out there. Its a shame, but its true... and the community is basically streamlined for this kind of thinking. I love psychology, and since my life goal is to specialize in social and sexual psychology, I have made it my business to know a lot about PUA. I have even gone out sarging a few times when I was single to help a few friends who were into it. I even loved some of the approach anxiety games which I used myself to help get some friends to take more chances. Manipulation is everywhere, not just in the PUA community... but the PUA community is a breeding ground for it.

EDIT: tldr: I'm not disagreeing... but it's getting better by the day. Who wants to do it right, he got a lot of materials for it.

Well, Pick-Up is fairly new. You got to have some bullshit... and sadly, that bullshit is still what's most popular (changing yourself is not)... for now at least. It was 100% of those before... promoting routines etc.
Now, you got plenty of ones who promote being natural, changing yourself from within... It's even become some kind of therapist for fixing psychological traits. Then you got some heavy stuff with meditations, self-hypnosis, deprogramming...

And I feel that this is the future of 'PUA', but under some other name. I think 'PUA' as a concept will be replaced with something like 'Natural' etc.

You can find some stuff that will change every aspect of your life for the better, but yeah, you can still find a lot of superficial bullshit.
 
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ryansambas

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sorry for the late reply, seem to be putting this off because I know I'll write a lot haha.

@Brandon85: My brother hasn’t been sneaking girls in; the three have all been girlfriends. I just think compared to my brother I would be better at picking girls who don’t have as many issues as the ones he has picked, the last two (including the current one) are both strange to me and seem to lack ambition and tend to cling on to my brother (who seems to not mind this even though I’d be a bit scared myself), saying I’m a better person than him probably weren’t the right words to use, I just think my decisions would be better. In terms of confusion and contradiction overall, that isn’t exactly telling a lie the way I’m thinking at the moment, it kind of goes into the whole “I don’t know what I want” argument. When I mean ‘consistent sex’ (had to look at my original post), for example if I was out at a club, just because some girls would be ‘easy’ doesn’t mean I would want to go down that route unlike people I know and I guess a lot of men worldwide, I suppose that would be nights where if you were confident you’d win some and lose some. When I say ‘tied down’, I don’t mean that I wouldn’t want a relationship at all, I just mean I wouldn’t want a relationship where I have to spend every weekend and a lot of days with her again like some people I know, since I’m 20 I still would love a balance between friends and a girlfriend if I was to have one and I don’t like the idea of spending a lot of time with a girlfriend from the get-go, that doesn’t mean spend little time just to have the relationship title, a healthy amount for myself.

@Third Arm: The ones I have on my laptop are called ‘Magical Tactics’ and ‘Without Embarrassment’, I have only skimmed them so far though. I suppose, the thing is when I’m out in a situation with lots of women around my thoughts are very insecure and mostly due to the fact I wear glasses/spectacles if I’m being honest, I also don’t really want to try if I have a lot of friends out with me due to the notion that they would be watching me make an ass of myself. That’s actually been the catalyst my whole life, instead of experiencing rejection and moving on, I tend to avoid it by not doing anything, I never asked out anyone at school just in case the person said no and then people find out and have a laugh at my expense.

@TheSperminator: In terms of manipulating women, I’m not sure whether that is true or not but at the same time we as humans are manipulated in different areas of life plus you could do everything a book tells you and 5 out of 10 women want to pursue something further and the other 5 don’t want to, these books pretty much teach you to accept rejection and just talk to as many women as possible.

@Captain Johnson: I had autism and aspergers as a child, people now think I’m talking bullshit (which is good obviously I guess), but I progressed through it through speech therapy, group sessions with other children and so on (thinking about it my parents probably paid a lot for this which is good because it ended up being successful), I never had to take medication for it thankfully. But even I remember when I started school I wasn’t good with other children right away, it took time. Even though I’m 20 now, the shy traits are still with me, I’m not shy with people I know and once people know me they probably think I’m far from it but in terms of meeting new people I can never make the first move (I don’t mean in ‘picking up’, I mean with anyone male or female) yet if they introduce themselves to me first, I can talk with them like I’ve known them a while. Again it goes down to the point where I think if I introduce myself, they’ll laugh at me.

I was lacking so much confidence, I was at a nightclub in a different country and I didn't talk to a woman inside! I danced with a few, I walked around a bit (looking for my friend more than anything, not without purpose). I got kicked out I believe due to mistaken identity, someone probably complained about someone who was causing trouble and I didn't protest because some bouncers are pricks to be honest and any excuse they can have to beat the fuck out of you, they'll take it and the club wasn't that good anyway, I wasn't drunk or falling over, I can recall everything about that night, hell I had to get two taxis because the first taxi took me to the wrong place! I talked to a few American girls earlier in the night with my mate, can't recall their appearances now because it was about a month ago and we didn't stay there very long, a group of us went to about 10-11 places as part of a university drinking challenge, that's one thing I seem to talk to girls a lot better if at least one of my friends are and within close proximity because I'm relaxed and I don't feel alone I guess.
 

Qarzan

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Ryan,

All I've got to say after your most recent post is, I've got mad respect for you, bro. You've come a long way.

Keep on keepin' on. Peace.

- Q
 

ryansambas

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I don't know if I have haha, I'm still insecure and lacking confidence, I suppose the one thing that has changed is I'll never drag something on with one/two girls which isn't there if I can help it. I'll ask a girl out once, if nothing comes of it other than a yes then I'll move on because I know how shitty being stuck in limbo is. In my life at the moment I suppose the girls I meet fall into two categories there one ones from work/university/mutual friends who more than likely I'll see consistently or there are randoms who I meet through going out, it is more than likely that a girl from the first category would be one who I would ask out on a date in comparison to the second which would be a 'hook up' because it's just that environment especially with alcohol, I'm not sure which one I'm more suited too because I seem to be equally bad at both. I think I've had more potential this year with the first category but like I've said, I'm more than happy being single so I guess I haven't liked the girls enough to consider making something else happen, I'm certainly not going to ask out someone I work with again for obvious reasons! I'll probably facebook message a girl I met at uni earlier this year who I was in a group with, just talk about uni (I'm not there this semester and she was and she's graduating soon, I was meant to graduate this year too but I took a leave of absence to go to the UK) and see what's going on, what subjects she's picked etc before discussing more enticing things lol.
 

ryansambas

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Messaged a girl from uni who I haven't seen from July on facebook, no response yet back, basically just asked about how uni was going, what subjects she picked yada yada. If she doesn't respond, no big deal. Least it means I cross her off the 'list' lol.

Think there's a girl at work who might like me, I actually reckon if I asked her out she would go out with me, we laugh and joke around and get along great but it wouldn't work, I've learned from my mistakes in going after girls I work with plus I don't really want any connections to my current work once I leave (which is just a part time job at the moment, finish university in July so hopefully I leave within a year). She's cute and has a good personality but I don't have anything in my head telling her to ask her out either so I guess I'm not too bothered maybe because of what's happened in the past, if she liked me and asked me out that'd probably have a different outcome though, not that I'm expecting that.

I turn 21 next Saturday though! Having about 20-25 people round all from high school pretty much, yet in the ratio theres only one single girl! I wouldn't say no if something was to occur with her haha (Don't mean that in a sleazy way, actually mean some sort of connection which results in something developing).

All I know is when I turn 21, I'm going to be pretty pissed that I'm still a virgin!
 

ryansambas

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Turned 21 two mins ago! Still a virgin :( Can't say that in my speech though haha
 

ThirdArm

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Enjoy your day dude. :)
 

Qarzan

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Happy Birthday Ryan! :)
 

ryansambas

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Of all the days, I've been healthy all year pretty much yet yesterday I had stomach flu or food poisoning, was sick a few times over the day and the night (thankfully I didn't feel bad, I literally just needed to vomit a few times), I had diarreoa earlier in the day but thankfully that wasn't present in the night when people were round. I had a good time though, had about 20 or so friends around, was great to see everyone then there was about 8 of us who just stayed from about 1amish to 2.30 and just sat in a circle and talked.

There was only one single girl there, she's very pretty and good to be around, however last night there were four of us probably thinking the same thing so none of us really made 'the move' hahaha. She said she loves my family (especially my Mum) and joked that she could live at my house due to the hospitality, my parents think she is very attractive, since they knew most the girls there were in relationships they asked 'So who is her boyfriend?', I replied that she doesn't have one and My Dad said jokily 'How is that possible? She isn't a lesbian is she?'. I have talked about it with my friend and he says I shouldn't worry as I haven't made the hint that I'm interested. I still worry that I need to change my physical look, particularly my hair and to lose the glasses haha. But she's similar to me in the fact I don't think she really wants a relationship or anything serious but obviously if we spent a lot of time together it would just be a friendship. I have only seen her a couple of times this year, we've only really been 'friends' for about a year or so. She wrote in my 21st book 'We haven't been friends long but the EPL (English Premier League) has put our friendship on the fast-track...', obviously doesn't mean much but I would never want to refer to someone I could possibly ask out in the future as a 'friend'. I reckon one of my best friends would have a better shot and he said 'She looks hot tonight', they sat next to each other and he gave her his jacket when she was cold (Cliched! haha), if he went out with her it wouldn't bother me though, I'd rather him than some random who I would compare myself to.

There's no feelings or anything thankfully, it's just obviously one of those times where you think this particular person COULD be a good match, I just never want to get too focused onto one girl as I have been in the past because if it doesn't happen, it isn't a good feeling lol. I didn't speak to her much alone last night, exchanged a few messages over last night and this morning, I'm not pushing anything, I'll just see what happens and if something develops I'll certainly take the opportunity. At the end of the day she is a girl that I'd want to see regardless of whether anything happens or not unlike other girls who if they reject you, you don't want to see them again. I'll see her tommorow night at a nightclub so again just gives me an opportunity to build up more of a repour, we have only physically talked to each other about 2 or 3 times haha. She's off to Europe in a month for a month next month (how to use three 'month' in a sentence haha) and we have even agreed you need to be single going overseas (like I was a couple months back, not that I did anything :p ).

Still need to focus on talking to more girls though haha.
 

ryansambas

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Went to my first music festival yesterday, lost my sunglasses ($30 so who gives a sh*t!) and my iPhone :( (which isn't insured anymore from changing the billing from my Dad's name to my own, only have 10 months left on this contract so just going to use a normal mobile until then plus I want to change providers so I'm not paying an upgrade fee of $600 to get an iPhone 5 with 24 months.

I was pissed off when I realised I lost my phone, some fucking people decided to lift me up to try crowdsurfing so that must have been when it went missing although I didn't know till a bit later on, can't do much about it, I don't pay a handset fee and it was falling apart anyway since you could only talk to people on speakerphone however it was under warranty so i might have been given a new one under warranty (different to insurance which is only applicable for lost/stolen phones) which would have got me around $400-500 when I sold it next year probably but oh well, that's more money I won't gain rather than money lost, I haven't physically lost any money

Anyway there were a LOT of good looking women there, touched so many legs, boobs and asses in the main stage area which was great haha, so many women grinding on me too so I was very 'engorged' down there however I didn't seem to be that good to them in the scheme of things, the festival is filled with a lot of shallow people (particularly guys) since it's a dance/DJing festival, only hooked up with one girl for about 5-10 seconds before I lifted her up on my shoulders, I just wasn't into it after I lost my phone haha.

Not really progress or anything, just needed to note something down since I haven't been here in a while.
 

Qarzan

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Hahaha! Good to see you had a good time. Keep pluggin' away, Ryan. I can see you're making progress. :)
 

ryansambas

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Hahaha! Good to see you had a good time. Keep pluggin' away, Ryan. I can see you're making progress. :)

As long as I don't lose my phone everytime I have good time! I'll be fine :p
 

Anecdote

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Ryan im new here, found out about the gym about 3 weeks ago, i just read both of your threads, and all i can say is damn i have so much in common with you, when it pertains to this field, im 20 years old ive never been in a relationship, however im not a virgin, and honestly it kinda sucks im not gonna lie, ill tell you a little bit about my story, so all throughout highschool i was pretty overweight never really had a girl give me any hint or drop that she was attracted to me. i was tired of it, tired of seeing my friends be happy with their girlfriends have that sense of companionship, so after i graduated i decided to clean myself up a bit, lost alot of weight got my confidence up, so a year goes by i start this new job , i have alot of the girls there telling me i look good and sh*t like that, i kinda put it off as nothing ( alot of them were in there 30s so i just took it as an " oh your cute like my son " kind of thing ).
but then i start talking to this one girl there, shes 23 a little older but i kind of like the idea of it lol she could buy me beer :p, we texted talked hung out alot, both admitted to having feelings for each other, that whole scenario, she ended up being the first girl i ever kissed, a few days after that i asked her to be my girlfriend.... to my surprise she says no, goes on saying " i like you alot i dont want to lose you or end up hurting you i just dont think dating right now is a good idea". i thought in the back of my head " fuck it you've waited 19 years for a relationship a little longer wont kill you" a month or so passes by, we end up drinking togather and end up having sex, instantly i had more feelings for this girl, she was the first person i had sex with, we talked about it the morning after she said it was fun wants to do it agian. now heres the fun part - me being an idiot i assumed you have sex with a girl your in some kind of relationship, i was wrong, found out she was fucking her ex and was still very attached to him after all the fucked up things he did. but instead of making this story any longer ill cut it to an end, I’ve still never been in a relationship and i wish that wasn’t the case, just keep your head up man, we'll both get that companionship sooner or later ;)
 

Anecdote

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sorry for the wall of text btw..i forgot about paragraphs :s
 

ryansambas

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Nah that's alright haha, actually had a conversation with one of my friends last night (female friend) and I told her that I am not going to be in a relationship just for the title. I said what she has with her boyfriend (who is also my friend) is pretty much perfect (I had been drinking as well haha but I was telling the truth), they have been going out for 3+ years. I also said I was happy for my friend when he started going out with his girlfriend even though at the time I was on the opposite side having to deal with rejection pretty much lol. My friend said the girl I liked was a slut but I don't know if she was saying that to make me feel better or being serious, either way it doesn't matter now, that was a long time ago now, can't believe it's been 2+ years since I started to like that girl from work haha.