(Guys) Ever felt like this?

[TTBB]

yes its hard when your hands are tied and you find you aren't filling the other persons needs and there's not much you can do about it.

 

[Hanma]

The best I can do is get an apprenticeship near where she lives but I don't even know how the hell I could pull that off.

 

[phil88]

Ok, I have a few questions, How old are you? Are you a virgin? Is this the first relationship you have been in?

It sound to me like you spent a long time without, became jaded and then very attached to this girl. Very understandable, you have no idea how similar our situations would of been if this was 8 months ago. Her age, mine and yours previous level of experience, everything really. Minus the distance, and while I felt the same way you do I never really let her know because I didn't want to be seen as desperate or clingy and have her use me to make herself feel better.

She even saw other guys, which in turn made me see other girls just to get the thought of her with another guy out of my head. It ended up I got the ultimatum either committed relationship or she goes out with another guy. I am incapable of trust and so no relationship for me.

You have to end it, you have put yourself in a position where you are there for her comfort, she will trade up given the opportunity, shes to young. I am sure she thinks she has feelings for you, but she probably is more addicted to the way you make her feel, and vice versa.

Your most likely more afraid of being alone rather then losing her, the idea of her has been built up in your mind. The distance between you two would make this even worse, shes probably the absolute best thing in the world in your mind right now, and that feeling probably gets stronger every day, but isnt it motivated by you not really having her there with you?

Finally your afraid of not being loved by someone else, so you really have to take a really hard look at yourself and ask if part of what your afraid of losing is the validation you get from someone loving you. I think, very much like me, you need to first be able to love yourself before you can truly love another. Otherwise you will always put yourself down like you did in the start of the thread and rationalize all the problems so they are your fault.

 

[Hanma]

Ok, I have a few questions, How old are you? Are you a virgin? Is this the first relationship you have been in?

19, virgin, no.

It sound to me like you spent a long time without, became jaded and then very attached to this girl. Very understandable, you have no idea how similar our situations would of been if this was 8 months ago. Her age, mine and yours previous level of experience, everything really. Minus the distance, and while I felt the same way you do I never really let her know because I didn't want to be seen as desperate or clingy and have her use me to make herself feel better.

It has been a while, but when she contacted me, and when we caught up, and when she told me she loved me, I took it slow from there and I think it too kme more than 2 months before I finally said "Hey, I love you too."

She even saw other guys, which in turn made me see other girls just to get the thought of her with another guy out of my head. It ended up I got the ultimatum either committed relationship or she goes out with another guy. I am incapable of trust and so no relationship for me.

Well, she said she misses her relationships in person and I won't be able to see her and the other guy kiss and all, to which I said

Are you kidding me?
You'll be holding and kissing a guy amongst other things and while I may not see it I know it'll be happening and that's going to hurt me like sh*t. And you said nothing will come between us? Hun, even if I don't want to, that man IS coming between us.
And would you approve of the same thing if I did that with a girl? How would you feel if I said I love you and won't leave you and nothing would come between us, while I go hold and kiss and date a woman and say "you can't see it so it's okay I love you still"? That doesn't make sense.

You have to end it, you have put yourself in a position where you are there for her comfort, she will trade up given the opportunity, shes to young. I am sure she thinks she has feelings for you, but she probably is more addicted to the way you make her feel, and vice versa.

I hate starting off my day ending close connections. Kinda screws up the rest of the plans, eh. And as for the other part, it could be true. Could be.

Your most likely more afraid of being alone rather then losing her, the idea of her has been built up in your mind. The distance between you two would make this even worse, shes probably the absolute best thing in the world in your mind right now, and that feeling probably gets stronger every day, but isnt it motivated by you not really having her there with you?

No, ths time, it is love. =/

Finally your afraid of not being loved by someone else, so you really have to take a really hard look at yourself and ask if part of what your afraid of losing is the validation you get from someone loving you. I think, very much like me, you need to first be able to love yourself before you can truly love another. Otherwise you will always put yourself down like you did in the start of the thread and rationalize all the problems so they are your fault.

I'm not afraid of not being loved by someone else. I've stopped worrying about that. I've spent years without being loved by someone outside my family. So that's never been a problem for me.
And I only recently started to feel low about myself, about 2 weeks now. And even then I've stopped.

 

[phil88]

So if I were to say to you, she is young, using you for the way you make her feel, even if she doesnt know it, and she is getting what you cant give her from other guys, emotionally, psychically, mentally. How would that make you feel and what would your response be?

Her wants are clearly what her number one priority is. She is honest with you about the other guys but thats only while she thinks your OK with it. How you feel is important to her, and she wont want to hurt you, so you have to watch out for her doing things to avoid "hurting you", which means she will withhold things, humor and patronize you. Your wants should be up there with hers if the relationship is truly gonna work.

At that age most people are trying to "Have their cake and eat it to" which I think you should watch out for.

 

[Hanma]

So if I were to say to you, she is young, using you for the way you make her feel, even if she doesnt know it, and she is getting what you cant give her from other guys, emotionally, psychically, mentally. How would that make you feel and what would your response be?

Well, I made her feel what other guys couldn't, emotionally, psychically, mentally and that would be the reason she fell in love with me. If she was using me intentionally, I would be pissed off obviously. If she were using me unknowingly, well, I guess I'll have to ask her won't I?

Her wants are clearly what her number one priority is. She is honest with you about the other guys but thats only while she thinks your OK with it. How you feel is important to her, and she wont want to hurt you, so you have to watch out for her doing things to avoid "hurting you", which means she will withhold things, humor and patronize you. Your wants should be up there with hers if the relationship is truly gonna work.

At that age most people are trying to "Have their cake and eat it to" which I think you should watch out for.

Could you please explain this a bit further? I'm not really getting it.

 

[Flanker6]

Lord knows I've been in your shoes. Back in high school me and my girlfriend broke up and she started seeing another guy. Then she comes to me saying she still loves me and wants to get back together after she gets the other guy out of the picture. A month later, it hasn't happened. She still sees him and at the same time is flirting with me and occasionally hooking up with me. Like an idiot I still held on because I believed she was the best I had. It only ended up hurting me more and causing huge amounts of anger. It was stupid and she's lucky I'm still her friend. If I were her I'd be begging for forgiveness, but she's not. I can't even remember if she ever apologized for the stunt she pulled. This went on for several months and we never got back together, and all the while this other guy was still present, thinking he was her boyfriend not knowing about her little chats with me. Lets just say I wish I had taken my friends' advice back then and moved on. I would have been much happier and could have had many other dates, and possibly girlfriends. Lets hope my college senior year is better than that.

 

[Hanma]

Oh boy, Flanker. I wish the sky wasn't dull and the weather wasn't cold and rainy right now. It's like god saying "fuck you, you're fucked. Let me rub it in."

 

[Flanker6]

Oh boy, Flanker. I wish the sky wasn't dull and the weather wasn't cold and rainy right now. It's like god saying "fuck you, you're fucked. Let me rub it in."

Blah, nothing beats a nice walk in the rain my friend. Sure the cold makes a difference, but you could say its god commiserating with you . OR you could head on down to Georgia, its in the 50's and crystal clear skies

 

[Hanma]

She LIVES in Savannah, Georgia.

 

[phil88]

Most girls really wont want to hurt you, especially if they have feelings for you, so she will hide things from you, deceive, and tell you incomplete truths based on the good intention of not hurting you.

"the road to hell is paved with good intentions" - unknown

She has been with other guys in the past and you were ok with it so she was open about it. Now you have told her you dont like it, she sensed something was wrong and did what was needed to get control of the situation and steer your thinking a certain way. She probably does have feelings for you, they might even be "love" but she isnt getting everything she needs from you or there would not be any other guys. But you are giving her something she cant get anywhere else.

From what you have said, she seems intelligent, insecure, controlling, and very adamant about what she wants. I say controlling just in the sense that she needs to feel like she has the power in a situation, not in the sense that she is in control of what you are doing. Probably comes from a deep inner sense of being alone coupled up with the intelligence factor. Maybe that is even what you make her feel, the opposite of loneliness I mean lol.

She is still testing other guys, which means she needs something else, once she finds one that gives her what she is missing and what you give her then there will be trouble.

 

[Hanma]

I'm going to ask her questions based on the points you made.

 

[phil88]

oh boy dont do that please lol, I dont want to be responsible for anything going wrong. Just think about the points I made and ask yourself why when she is doing things.

 

[Hanma]

She is still testing other guys, which means she needs something else, once she finds one that gives her what she is missing and what you give her then there will be trouble.

If she finds that guy who would be on my level then I'd let her go. I wish I was rich so I would fly there, but I'm not. I want the best for her but so far no guy has been able to provide her these important things.

 

[Flanker6]

She LIVES in Savannah, Georgia.

Woops...Luckily I live 4 hours from there.

 

[Hanma]

m = me, h = her.

h: I guess cause of hunter
15:05m: hokay
m: you gonna date hunter still?


15:06h: Chea


15:06m: sigh ...
m: welp,i guess there's no point of me comingo GA then


15:07h: :\

15:08m:well, if you're going to date him then you can't date him and love some other guy, can you.


15:08h: love doesn't just stop and start at the drop of a dime


15:09m: and im pretty sure you won't stop dating him anytime soon. so i dont want to be that guy who's kept in secret or the guy who is sharing his girl.


15:09h: fine


15:09m: ill always love you, ill always be here for you, but i dont want to mess up your chances


15:10h: k..


15:10m: hey
we're still going to talk
love isn't gonna stop
what we have here, laughter and joy, isnt oging anywhere
*going
im not going anywhere

15:11h: mk


15:11m: there will still be love and respect between us
and trust me, it's affecting me a lot more. i dont even have a girl to date.
I just want the best for you. If you don't agree with me, tell me what's best for you
Answer me


15:15h: -looks at you-


15:16-looks back at you-


15:17h: :\

15:17m: I'm the best for you, huh


15:18h: -ding, ding, ding-
but I can't have you


15:18m: Why not
?
:/

15:22h: you're not here


15:22m: touche
and what if i do come there


15:23h: you wouldn't stay.


15:23m: i guess i can't blame you
it's understandable that you want someone close to you, and like you said, you two clicked.
h: yea...
15:25m: i can say this thugh, no guy could ever make you feel the way i did. not for a long time anyway
and if i do come there, give me a hug atleast
would you?


15:29h: I so would.


15:29m: good!
i will come there but you'd better be ready for a long ass hug.
hey
what we have here, isn't going anywhere
15:32h: ok


15:32m: Don't be so upset ...


15:32h: I'm ok.


15:33m: Bull.



Anyways, she and I will still love each other. I will always be there for her though.
Let me tell you this: I haven't cried in years. And I won't tell her that I am still.
She gave me this song: YouTube - Pray Tell by Anberlin (lyrics included)

 

[TTBB]

Aww Hanma...i am sorry.

 

[Hanma]

Well I know problems were going to arise sooner or later. Besides, Australia is a bad place fora LDR ... I only want the best for her. I (apparently) AM the bestfor her. But I can't be there for her.

Well ... sh*t.

 

[TTBB]

she's in the US?

 

[Hanma]

Yes ma'am! Savannah, GA.