(Guys) Ever felt like this?

[dsmall]

Like your girlfriend / wife / partner was too good for you?

If you have, you know how sad it can make you feel about yourself, it could hinder your progress in your relationship, or hurt your self esteem.

It's the same thing with me and her.

She's smart, learning several languages, attractive, photogenic, good at singing, good at playing instruments, social, makes the most out of life, makes people happy and people (and lots of boys) love her back - she's plain amazing.

I on the other hand, have nothing that could match up to her. I was good at drawing and some sports, but it's been years since I've done anything. I can't sing, my photos suck, I'm average looking, not so good at socialising, got no real hobbies ... I'm just a plain average joe.
I don't know why she loves me so much still, seeing we live far away and I can only comfort her with words.

Have any of you ever had this? If so, how did you get out of this predicament?
Any tips would be nice.

It's really hurting my self worth, you know.

Guys and girls and welcome to post their opinions!

Well, there are two distinct realities. The first is that you have crappy self esteem; and simply perceive her comparable pluses and attributes as being far above yours. She may be quite happy with you because she does not see you as just an average joe, and you are glossing over your real accomplishments and admirable qualities. If that's the case, stop worrying and take a better inventory of what you bring to the table.

The second is that she is actively spending her time trying to improve herself educationally, socially, and culturally, and is investing a lot of time in moving forward with her goals. Meanwhile, you might be wallowing in a period where you are basically treading water and not working on moving forward. If this is the case, you can eventually wear the patience of even the most understanding empathetic person.

You need to ask yourself whether you are trying to make a self fulfilling prophecy come true. And the question is why are you not investing in drawing, sports, or anything new to move forward. If you do in fact spend most of your time sitting passively on the couch or in front of your computer waiting her for her to wake up and realize that she is out of your league, then that may just happen.

My thought is that you need to look for things and ways that you can engage back into the world. Get to the gym, take some classes, take on new projects at work, read some interesting books, take up a language, start drawing again, join a local sports club, or otherwise take control of the situation. Under the best scenario, she will see you as a guy who is on the same path as she is, working on improving her situation, and will have no interest in seeing whether she can do better. Worst case scenario is that you will improve your situation and self-esteem so that you won't let the next one slip by because you are wallowing around. But make no mistake, it is a very rare women who is willing to move forward in every other aspect of her life but settle for a relationship she has outgrown. You have an obligation to help move the relationship forward as well.

if I start to think that my partner is getting too good for me, then I try and work on improving myself. The other option is to start ripping her down or ridiculing her efforts at improvement, which wouldn't make me feel any better.

 

[Hanma]

Well, I do have one achievement ... I wanted her to be proud of me, so I studied hard and got accepted to my degree.

 

[closed149]

You should want to be proud of yourself. Live your life for you, not for someone else.

 

[phil88]

Well, I do have one achievement ... I wanted her to be proud of me, so I studied hard and got accepted to my degree.

You clearly care for this girl, maybe she sees that to. I know if someone were to love me unconditionally I would in turn develop feelings of affection for that person. Maybe shes with you because unlike most men you can truly care for her. The best thing about that is it will be easy to make yourself better for her, because you truly care. She will see you improving yourself for her, I dont see anything really being a better compliment then that. Make sure she knows you are bettering yourself for her. Or if you want it to be a surprise better yourself without her knowing and just show her the end result, but let her know its for her.

You mentioned she had mental problems in the past, what is her opinion of herself? Is she a people pleaser? Many people with problems try to please everyone around them in a effort to be liked. She may not think she deserves you. You may be providing her with something she thought impossible, you may be providing her with something she doesn't believe she deserves, love. Everything positive you say she does, maybe she is trying to build up her own self worth.

 

[Hanma]

phil88, you're not actually Dr. Phil, are you? Geezus you're hitting all the right targets.

Maybe shes with you because unlike most men you can truly care for her.

She knows I care for her. I'm not sure if it's more than the other guys, but I know straight away when something's wrong with her.

Make sure she knows you are bettering yourself for her. Or if you want it to be a surprise better yourself without her knowing and just show her the end result, but let her know its for her.

She knows it, too. And I let her in on my progresses, like my weight loss and getting a job.

You mentioned she had mental problems in the past, what is her opinion of herself? Is she a people pleaser?

Not really mental problems, but she was admitted to some institute because of her mood swings. It's a bit hazy to me, right now. She does suffer from low self esteem from time to time, heck, she even cried once. She won't admit she's beautiful, though I keep telling her otherwise. She does please a lot of people, yes. She's quite popular.

Many people with problems try to please everyone around them in a effort to be liked.

She doesn't try, she just turns heads around and she knows that, too. Like I said before, she's quite popular, outgoing, positive and has a lot of boys crazy about her and with good reasons, too.

She may not think she deserves you.

She has told me that, but I don't believe it.

You may be providing her with something she thought impossible, you may be providing her with something she doesn't believe she deserves, love. Everything positive you say she does, maybe she is trying to build up her own self worth.

Could be, could be.

___________________

Also, she told me that she and a friend of hers are "married". Not like officially, just put as a status, like any BFF or any other stuff. What ticks me off is that she's known that guy for less time than me. =/

 

[phil88]

lol no Phil is actually a joke name for my penis . Ive found the best way to make a girl feel good about the way she looks, is while you two are having sex, and your staring into each others eyes tell her " Wow you really have no clue how beautiful you are do you?" pose it as a question. Include her self doubt in the question. She probably views your normal compliments as just trying to make her feel good, and has problems finding them to be true, regardless of how you mean them, especially if she gets them from a lot guys.

 

[Hanma]

I haven't had sex with her yet but I have done exactly that when we make out. I always tell her that I mean it and she's actually really beautiful and I'm not just saying it out of duty.

 

[phil88]

I haven't had sex with her yet but I have done exactly that when we make out. I always tell her that I mean it and she's actually really beautiful and I'm not just saying it out of duty.

The thing about complimenting a girl before sex is it can be viewed as an attempt at sex. If your already having the sex and you compliment her its a free compliment, there is nothing you are after. You can say you mean it but she may not believe it. When there is no possible reward for the compliment it means much more.

 

[Hanma]

I don't compliment her to get sex, she knows it. And the reason we haven't had sex yet is because, you guessed it, I want to work on myself first. I thank her for everything and tell her why she is amazing, wether we are cuddling or just talking.

I don't always say these things because they will loose their meaning if I say them too much.

 

[phil88]

I don't compliment her to get sex, she knows it. And the reason we haven't had sex yet is because, you guessed it, I want to work on myself first. I thank her for everything and tell her why she is amazing, wether we are cuddling or just talking.

I don't always say these things because they will loose their meaning if I say them too much.

well it sounds like you already got everything going quite smoothly and you just miss her. Do you know when you get to see her next?

 

[Hanma]

well it sounds like you already got everything going quite smoothly and you just miss her. Do you know when you get to see her next?

Tomorrow on messenger or facebook. :bad:

Good news, I will be able to save enough money to go visit her by next year IF things go all right.

 

[TomY]

Uh, make her cum until she goes crazy? You're inside her, controlling her reactions, and her pleasure. Who cares how many languages she's learned in her spare time? Get better than her at sex and she has nothing on you, period. That's life for the most part...

 

[Hanma]

Yeah, even though it's an important part in a relationship, women want something more permanent ... you know. But thank you for the reply

 

[TomY]

Yeah, even though it's an important part in a relationship, women want something more permanent ... you know. But thank you for the reply

Yeah, and the end result is you still feeling bad that she spends her spare time memorizing things in books, and that somehow makes her "better". As she gets older and more feeble those things will fade as well as her beauty. But you can always learn new ways to drive her crazy in bed. And in the end it's all about how you feel since she doesn't seem to have a problem here. If you believe going out and learning a few languages or taking a calculus class is going to let you catch up or something, might as well do it. But like they say, those are words, and actions are always going to speak louder...

 

[hardcore]

enjoy what you have got,not worry bout loseing it ,or you will lose it. a wise old owl once said!!!

 

[MrBigDick]

You know, I find this thread extremely interesting because I've been in the middle of a huge, eye opening epiphany that I had on Tuesday when my lady friend sent me a hate filled, vicious email.

I've been thinking alot since Tuesday about things, my past relationships with women and so forth. It's not that I ever felt that I was too good for any of my female partners (my ex wife or my two ex gf's since my divorce) it's that as I learn more about these women over a period of time, I come to find they either came from an abusive marriage or relationship, they have low self esteem, they suffer from depression or anxiety..........whatever it is, there's something negative there and it's almost as though they get with me, a great guy who's educated, has a great job/career and is on his way to making something of himself and they sabotage themselves and blow it. It's almost as if they don't know how to handle being treated like a lady so they push me away slowly until I end things.

So, I made the decision today that when I go back into the dating world, I'm going to pay close attention to what she says and tells me during casual dinner conversation. Any issues with depression, anxiety, prior abusive relationships and it'll be "check please". I am no longer going to settle for someone...........life is too short to put up with mal treatment and I like who I am too much to put up with that.

 

[GTO]

You know, I find this thread extremely interesting because I've been in the middle of a huge, eye opening epiphany that I had on Tuesday when my lady friend sent me a hate filled, vicious email.

I've been thinking alot since Tuesday about things, my past relationships with women and so forth. It's not that I ever felt that I was too good for any of my female partners (my ex wife or my two ex gf's since my divorce) it's that as I learn more about these women over a period of time, I come to find they either came from an abusive marriage or relationship, they have low self esteem, they suffer from depression or anxiety..........whatever it is, there's something negative there and it's almost as though they get with me, a great guy who's educated, has a great job/career and is on his way to making something of himself and they sabotage themselves and blow it. It's almost as if they don't know how to handle being treated like a lady so they push me away slowly until I end things.

So, I made the decision today that when I go back into the dating world, I'm going to pay close attention to what she says and tells me during casual dinner conversation. Any issues with depression, anxiety, prior abusive relationships and it'll be "check please". I am no longer going to settle for someone...........life is too short to put up with mal treatment and I like who I am too much to put up with that.

Amen to that!!!

 

[MrBigDick]

Amen to that!!!

You feel me there GettinThereOK??? lol

I figure since it's a new year and a new, fresh start. I am going to REALLY examine the women I go out with and really focus on some of what I am now going to call "buzz words": depression, anxiety, abuse, neglect, trust issues, etc......I think it's high time I take real stock in the kind of man I am, who I am as an adult and what I have to offer. This doesn't mean I'm setting my standards so high that no woman can reach them........quite the contrary. I'm just going to look much more carefully at who I choose to get involved with and who I choose to give those amazing qualities that I possess to. I'm no longer willing to give a less than deserving woman all of me and all of what I have to offer. I am putting the rose colored glasses away for good.

 

[dsmall]

You feel me there GettinThereOK??? lol

I figure since it's a new year and a new, fresh start. I am going to REALLY examine the women I go out with and really focus on some of what I am now going to call "buzz words": depression, anxiety, abuse, neglect, trust issues, etc......I think it's high time I take real stock in the kind of man I am, who I am as an adult and what I have to offer. This doesn't mean I'm setting my standards so high that no woman can reach them........quite the contrary. I'm just going to look much more carefully at who I choose to get involved with and who I choose to give those amazing qualities that I possess to. I'm no longer willing to give a less than deserving woman all of me and all of what I have to offer. I am putting the rose colored glasses away for good.

Relationships are supposed to enhance your life, not drag it down. I think one of the big misconceptions is that you need to "work" at relationships. I don't think that this is true in the beginning. If you are working out of the box, it's never going to really get better.

This may sound harsh, but you can value a relationship by what you pay for it, i.e. "price," how much you are working on making the relationship "work." Or you can value a relationship by what you get out of it, happy memories, support, etc. In my opinion folks that value relationships based upon "price" often look to damaged people because they often mean much more work, much more drama, etc; and after all, if you've paid such a high price for the relationship, it must be worth something, and there is going to be a pay off some day. Many of the price-value seekers are high achieving disciplined folks who have seen a lot of success in life by putting their nose to the grindstone, and gutting it out until they get a payoff. They follow a mantra, anything worth while is worth the effort. But, this is simply not true with regard to relationships. These relationships become black holes because the other part of the relationship is simply unable to reciprocate. And yes, those buzz words you speak of, often are good indicators that the other person has to resolve their own issues before they can enter into a mutually giving relationship.

Again, in my opinion, you need to start looking at relationships as to what you get out of it. Intuitively, it does appear "selfish," because you have been hard wired to think that anything worthwhile is the result of sacrifice, but the idea is that both parties are deriving pleasure and enjoyment from each others company and the relationship. Of course. there is give and take.

 

[TTBB]

You know, I find this thread extremely interesting because I've been in the middle of a huge, eye opening epiphany that I had on Tuesday when my lady friend sent me a hate filled, vicious email.

I've been thinking a lot since Tuesday about things, my past relationships with women and so forth. It's not that I ever felt that I was too good for any of my female partners (my ex wife or my two ex gf's since my divorce) it's that as I learn more about these women over a period of time, I come to find they either came from an abusive marriage or relationship, they have low self esteem, they suffer from depression or anxiety..........whatever it is, there's something negative there and it's almost as though they get with me, a great guy who's educated, has a great job/career and is on his way to making something of himself and they sabotage themselves and blow it. It's almost as if they don't know how to handle being treated like a lady so they push me away slowly until I end things.

So, I made the decision today that when I go back into the dating world, I'm going to pay close attention to what she says and tells me during casual dinner conversation. Any issues with depression, anxiety, prior abusive relationships and it'll be "check please". I am no longer going to settle for someone...........life is too short to put up with mal treatment and I like who I am too much to put up with that.

I am going to be honest..i have been in turmoil over this ..its basically a huge slap in my face

I have suffered from depression, anxiety/panic attacks, post traumatic anxiety disorder, physically, mental-emotional abuse relationships and I was sexual abuse as a child... I have worked my ass off for the last 10yrs to undo the damage and reduce the baggage that comes with all that ..

I was brain washed at a very young age by my sexual abuser that no one could or ever love me, that no could or ever will care about me, that everyone will abandon me.. he would tell me over and over that my parents didn't love me, that they would leave me,that everyone would leave me because i was worthless...he would threaten to kill my parents to drill fear into me..For 2 yrs he forced those thoughts onto me, when i was very impressionable.. So when i hear men say things like what you are saying above it .It upsets me and it triggers the little girl again. It's like confirmation to my fears..that i am too damaged to be viewed as worthy of being loved. that I am not worth investing in......but The woman in me says FUCK YOU!

Everyone has baggage, how people carry the baggage is what matters. When I'm in relationships try to leave my baggage at the door as much as i can ..Sure i might run to it on occasion and rummage through and i have automatic mechanisms that trigger in me with certain fears which i am still working on..I am aware of myself, i own my baggage but i can't always control it .. i have also noticed the life that my baggage takes on has a lot to do with the man I am with. Some men don't trigger me at all and others bring everything to the surface...so i know i have to choose carefully because not all men are man to deal...and its has just as much to do with the other persons baggage and character... No one is perfect, everyone has baggage and All relationships have issues that need to be worked through ..You need to take into account your own baggage and what is the thing that hooks you to crazies.. i suspect it what happens in the bedroom ..lol

I do get your anger and hurt towards Renee and the frustration you feel about your choices in women.. But i would suggest you focus more on a persons character and ethics then their baggage when your are trying to decide who is worthy of your love...and also figure out what it is that keeps drawing you to the destructive types . is it the excitement? the chase? the sex? the energy? the need to be a hero?