Ummm you absolutely misunderstood what I just said. Where did I say that any girl who has had more than 3 partners is a porn star? What exactly did I say that was derogatory to women? I think you need to reread my post...
Sexual past?
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Ummm you absolutely misunderstood what I just said. Where did I say that any girl who has had more than 3 partners is a porn star? What exactly did I say that was derogatory to women? I think you need to reread my post...
When I said "porn stars" I literally meant porn stars. There are plenty of men who would have no problem dating porn stars. That doesn't mean that everyone should be okay with it, just that there are plenty of people that are. Meaning that everyone is different. Not sure how that offended you...
CUSP my old mate I have no issues with anyone, if you have some with me in future let me know and I'll buy you a beer when you get to Australia.
Personally, and for most (possibly all) other contributers to this thread, I never questioned whether the OP's wife was wonderful or not, nor whether she is a 'bad girl' - whatever you mean by that. These things are irrelevant......
I can relate to the OP's experience in some ways. I can relate to being in some shock about finding out things that - if I had known initially - would have meant I would not have pursued the relationship, let alone get engaged and married as in the OP's situation.
That is a very tough place to find yourself. Feeling like you don't know your partner like you thought you did - your partner, who you'd die for, not the bloke next door - is really tough. Feeling like you may not share the same values, not be able to relate to them - the things that contribute to loving them in the first place - is really hard. Finding this out after being married for 10 years must be... bloody tough. You love them, but part of you is thinking 'who is it that I love', 'do I really know them??', 'would I have fallen in love with them and grown with them if I'd known this before??'...'and if not, what does that mean for how we are now???'.
VERY confusing and emotionally/physically overwhelming stuff, no?
In my own situation, although I didn't like the content of what she lied about, I could ultimately accept it. The thing that was hardest to deal with was that the content made me feel unsafe in the relationship. Unsafe you ask? Unsafe - meaning VERY bloody anxious because of my previous experiences with such behaviour.
In addition, that she'd lied about it when I'd directly asked her when we started going out - for that exact reason - had a huge impact on my feeling of trust. It was not a conscious decision not to trust her, I sure as hell wanted to trust her as much as I had, but for a long time I just couldn't. I still loved her, despite the confusion about who she 'really' was, but this trust issue put a huge block in how I was able to feel that for her, and I had no control over that.
Now, here's the thing, none of that was her fault, nor was it my fault, it just WAS.
If you can be objective about this stuff, acknowledge you are feeling certain ways without being consumed by them, you can start to work through it. 'Being a Man' is just a sentiment echoed by those who don't know any better, and is a dangerous one at that.
I'm no psychotherapist, I can just relate to aspects of the OP's experience in some way, and in some ways (previous posts) to aspects of what we know about his wife's. I have had psychotherapy previously and it helped me resolve my own issues and move on, my partner and I are closer now than we've ever been and both grown immeasurably from it all. I tried 'being a man' for a while first, as handed down by the males in my family, of course it just made things worse lol. I've also have had similar experiences with others in the course of my work, and also personally with mates.
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GTO
Retired Moderator, PEGym Editor, PEGym Hero
IMO, probably the most salient and thoughtful post in this entire thread ...
Starting over won't be easy but if it's something the two of you want, it's worth a shot at least ...
oh, hey-zeus cies. Fine, Sure, Whatever, Happy endings and Rainbows Abound. World is a wonderful place.
Clownfish, I really hope you don't divorce your wife over this. Give her and you some time to come to terms with it and take it one day at a time. "The day-by-day ruler" is never as long as it seems. Communication is key from here on, good luck on what ever you decide, mate.
Actually I believe you had posted that unless you had a traumatic child hood you would have hundreds of partners. I pointed out that my wife had a traumatic childhood and had many while I had a normal childhood and had very few.
You should probably read more carefully.
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Where did I say hundreds of partners?
Yes I see, I misread your specific posting, however my sentiment hasn't changed. If you're looking to fill a void, you'll use what you can to get it. Sometimes traumatic experiences can cause women to shy away from sex, sometimes it pushes them more into it. From my experiences, talking with family and friends, Traumatic experiences dealing with sex cause women to clam up with their sexuality. They don't find it enticing...Your wife went the opposite way from what i've seen in the past.
Either way, from what I've seen with my experience, women will lie about their partners unless they're completely comfortable with it and have accepted themselves for it. I'm not saying ALL women lie, but if you get lied to about sexual promiscuity from your wife, please take it with a stride...
5 or 50... previous partners are previous partners. Past is past.
The lying is a no-no... though. I can understand being upset about the lying. I can't understand being upset about the partners. That's where I'm coming from.
I'll agree to be the minority in this conversation.
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I will comment on your women must be as promiscuous as men comment. In high school I know several girls who slept with the entire football team after a win. I know the majority never slept with any of the team. So lets think about that. 25 or so guys sleep with the same slut. They all rack up one partner. She on the other hand racks up 25 partners. So yes one gender can sleep around more than the other. Guys with many partners can just be sleeping with a minority of women or vice versa.
There in lies the crux. that cheerleader, if she ever decides to marry someone, will say she's been with 8 or 9 guys. Which is a blatant lie if she makes it forward in life farther. She cleaned herself up and nobody knows her past. If she, out of nowhere, tells her husband, he's going to be distraught finding this information out why? He married a slut? no, he married a girl who had a past. She cleaned herself up, she made amends with what she's done. She's accepted it. However, she'll always be a "slut" to whomever says she's slept with too many guys.
Excuse me, she'll be a "porn star"
She actually married one of those football players in 1994 and they are still married and have 3 kids. So I doubt she lied. The point is just because you say guys have hundreds of partners so women must also just isn't true. Nor was your comment about childhood trauma causing very few partners correct. You have thrown out some very misleading generalities.
DUDE i never said guys have hundreds of partners! wtf... I said there's GUYS HERE that have had HUNDREDS of partners.
You jump on me for not reading, GO re-read my post. If you're going to question my literacy, try perfecting yours.
I said IN MY EXPERIENCE, you have a different experience with your wife. Plus you're older than me. This new generation is far more risque than what you've grown up with. 94 I was barely in middle school.
I've not thrown out any generalities. I threw out my own personal realities and since I've experienced the lying, and then two more guys in this thread Experienced lying, then they're NOT exactly isolated incidents. If you guys what to believe in your own isolated realities (which isn't a bad thing since that's what you know and I don't fault you for it) then go ahead.
Sh*t happens... those girls didn't only sleep with that one guy who's slept with a hundred plus girls... She may have slept with 13 or 14 more from him, Who's to say? nobody knows.
Either way, someone said "everybody has different realities" Mine span across all types of demographic and i've come to the conclusions that i have based on years of conversations.
Human sexuality i something that always fascinated me, so I studied whatever I saw. Conversed with people who would allow me into their brains. I've come to the conclusions i have based on private conversations with people who range in age from 18 to 61.
Anyway, as I've said, i'll agree to be the minority in this conversation, can we please redirect it back to Clownfish?
I said it before, but I'm seriously done with this now... this became about men not being able to accept that women have had more than 3-5 sexual partners instead of actually helping the OP.
It's mostly my fault for expressing my views so I will no longer defend what I've said as I've done that all day today. I hand this thread back over to Clownfish.
It's mostly my fault for expressing my views so I will no longer defend what I've said as I've done that all day today. I hand this thread back over to Clownfish.
Yep
Yep you never said anything about guys have hundreds of partners.
Okay somebodyelse. I believe I clarified exactly what I meant when I said "porn star." I meant a porn star. As in a girl who acts in PORN MOVIES for money. Yet you still continue to make snide remarks, and have completely ignored my posts explaining what I meant. I think if you're going to be making accusations that I'm being derogatory towards women, especially as a MODERATOR of the website, you should probably be able to explain why you feel it's necessary to make these accusations. Not only have I explained how you misunderstood me, but PEskeptic did as well. I think you should either admit you misunderstood me, or point out to me where I said "She's morally upstanding because she had 3 partners. Any woman with more than that is a porn star." As a moderator of this site (and as a decent human being) you shouldn't be going around being a dick to people for no reason. Thanks.
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True that.
Lmao, is the OP even here any more?
I'm going for a holiday to europe tomorrow for a long time so I won't be able to procrastinate at work and and contribute to this thread (please, stop crying). Although it'll probably still be going in a month's time.
OP, if you are still here, good luck with it all mate, it must have been a bloody hard thing to hear, I hope you are feeling alright and I wish you best of luck working through it with your wife.
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So ten or so years ago you met a girl.. During the course of courtship the topic of sexual past came up.. she told you a white lie. More then likely she told you this falsehood because she knew the truth was something that you would judge her harshly for and she would lose you. She wasn’t wanting to take the risk so she told you a lesser number.. She felt she could or had turned a new leaf.
The girl you married was not the girl who was sleeping around, she was the partner who was being faithful to you and investing in you…More then likely you were the first guy who really saw her for who she really is.. Your beliefs and moral code was something she aspired to and something she adhered to.
The women you have spent the last ten years with is not the girl who was experimenting and seeking “love” in all the wrong places…People evolve and go through stages.
I do get the shock and the emotional response to the large numbers (I would reaction too so I do get it).. But you do have to remember it is history, The past is the past for a reason and though you don’t agree with her past it is also part of what makes her the women you married… because our past molds us into who we become we evolve… so its not far to judge her on choices she made before she met you.. and you shouldn’t punish her for having fear and telling a white lie to buffer you from her past.
Just want to point out that I don't appreciate how somebodyelse has handled this conversation. I'd expect a moderator to act a little bit more maturely than making ridiculous accusations then disappearing without every clarifying them or backing them up. It's not my fault if he doesn't understand what I'm saying. I think if one of your staff members is going to say I'm being derogatory towards women they should be capable of explaining to me why they are saying it. Apparently not.
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