Just Talking

[somebodyelse]

lol@FWB. True life, tends to end bad for one party or the other, lol!

In that case (as far as you breaking up with him) Go for it, then. I would agree, the one person I shared all the details with (and got support and ideas from) was always the first person who got the celebration/consolation call, LMAO! I feel like this... who better to vent frustration or share elation with than the person who was there, by your side, the entire way.

It's probably best not to get another guy's heart all tied up in knots, so you're doing the right thing. Gonna be TORTURE without intimacy, but be strong unless you really want to revisit that relationship. I remember you saying a while back that you weren't sure if he was your "Forever" guy, but you'd enjoy it. You did just that, and you grew quite a bit from it. Always good to see someone grow from experiences.

I can imagine you're sad now, but you broke it off with him... You don't have to feel the pain of rejection along with the loss of intimacy, so take that one and keep high-stepping, lol

I say it's always better to be the dumper than the Dumpee. LMAO!

 

[islander]

I didn't mean turn him into a FWB. This guy would NEVER do that , nor would I want to do that.
But even though basically I did break up with him I did want to get it discussed and worked on. I wanted to get it fixed but he just can't deal
That is the problem for him and for me. Oh well.

I am pretty sure to be truthful and all, since we are on the internet, of course I will not wait on sex. I will probably make a call and take care of it this weekend. This will also insure my not taking back or going back to this BF which really is the best thing for me to do.

Sex is sex and with someone you are friends with and care about and vice versa its fine. Its the men that pretend they can be a FWB but are secretly hoping for a relationship that eff it all up lol

I never thought of it that way. Better to be the dumper than the dumpee. I am not sure I grieve like that. I grieve for us both. The pain is pretty high level for me when I lose a relationship and goes in stages. Rather quickly yes but its pretty severe. So no Ronnie I dont like your last line.... lol

 

[somebodyelse]

Yeah, that's kinda... meh.

When I broke up with my GF recently (to do some thinking) She told me it was absolutely the best thing for her. She needed to take time to evaluate what she was dealing with in her past and past relationships and how that affected her relationship with me.

Dude has some soul searching to do. You have to be willing to get crushed every now and then... A bag full of broken heart is better than a mind full of missed opportunities. Can't help him with that, you did your part.

 

[namsokiek]

Perhaps I can provide a perspective I think is missing in this conversation; that of the guy who doesn't think to call (and continues to fail to realize it might be a big thing to others).

Honestly, I didn't read the whole thread because there is a lot of long paragraphs and I couldn't be bothered. (very typical of this type of guy we're discussing)

Regarding the calls to say he'll be late:

You feel that it is common human courtesy to let ones you care about know you'll be late. The call reaffirms your importance in their life and gives you a chance to briefly reconnect during the extended absence. I'm sure there's more to this, but I'm damned if I know what it is.

Speaking from experience: I take for granted that my wife is wholly committed to me. This assumption carries me through the day. Despite all of the BS that I deal with from folks up the chain, down the chain, on my right and on my left, I know my wife is my sole anchor to reality and my source of respite at the end of the day. Thoughts of her and my confidence in our bond is how I survive to the end of the day. (key words "end of the day")

Fighting to keep my head above water takes all the energy and focus I can muster. In addition, transitioning from that state of mind takes time. I'm often in a higher state of agitation during the work day; I react to input quickly and decisively, I require only the facts of the issue to make a decision, information outside of the facts are noise and an irritant that are poorly tolerated.

Being aware of this state of mind and the effect it has on my wife, I do not expose her to it. She understands this and, despite her desire to reconnect with me at the end of the day, she accepts it. Not because we calmly sat down one relaxing week-end and discussed it. NO, it’s because she attempted to reconnect during a particularly stressful day and got the “working Namso” full in the face. Other times I arrived home before being fully decompressed. We were both sorry for those times. And neither of us deserved the hurt feelings which followed.

You need to keep in mind that conversations and expressing tender feelings is an action to which he may not be accustom. If he is stepping outside of his comfort zone to accommodate your need for that, he may need you to step outside of your comfort zone to accommodate his “working persona.” If he starts walking your way outside of his natural tendencies and you start walking his way outside of your natural tendencies, you’ll find that you both have expanded your horizon and capability to empathize and support each other.

 

[somebodyelse]

Truth in motion there.

That said, islander is one of those types too, it seems. I think she understands that (though she can adjust her tone for what it is she's responding to). I WAS like that myself. I have to not respond to stimuli when I wound up or I come off as very cold and direct.

There's a switch you have to learn to flip on and off. Sometimes that switch is just remembering who's on your team. When I'm wound up I'm like a dog eating... don't pet me! However, learning to take that message and take a minute to flip that switch and talk if even for half a second to let them know you're busy and that you care about them, but you're in "work mode." Makes all the difference in the world.

I used to look at those times of being bothered as annoyances... what confused me is that I like that she (which ever female I was seeing at the time) would contact me. It feels good to be thought of, and reminds you that you're important to someone when the world you're in tries its best to beat you down. I have to take a minute to breathe, respond with care, then flip the Asshole Switch back on and get back to work.

 

[islander]

Hey Nam thanks for the post. I agree with you and for most of my life I had that life. But the man I'm speaking of has no family friends and nothing else on his plate but me and his job. His job has stresses but it didn't start yet. He was setting up his new office on his own time. The fact he couldn't remember to call or text a one liner that said hey I'm pulling an alnighter ill call you tomorrow was my gripe. I didn't need sweet nothing's spoken to me. He said he'd be done by 2 and it was midnight before I heard from him. It was the fifth or sixth time it had happened in as many months.
I've come to accept he is not the man for me and I am not the woman for him. I'm okay and am excited for the next adventure. I've come a long way since my divorce and I proved to myself I'm a great partner lol. With his help of course. I know what I want. The right man is still out there.

 

[Skipper23]

Bed time! Good night my fellow PE'ers. Happy pulling

 

[Hanma]

Happy birthday to meeeeeee~

As a present to myself, I will be restarting my PE

 

[islander]

Happy birthday Hamna!

 

[islander]

Correction Hanma sorry can't edit on phone

 

[islander]

Landi Log: Deleted text thread, all emails and contact from phone. Removed anything from FB and all photos. Told all Fam n Friends. Done done delete and deleted recycle. I guess I am over it Oh and I think I have a date for Saturday night lol

 

[JonPop]

Wow! Islander, I hope "I" never piss you off. Whee, go girl.
Hope your date is good.

 

[LilNudeDude]

Landi Log: Deleted text thread, all emails and contact from phone. Removed anything from FB and all photos. Told all Fam n Friends. Done done delete and deleted recycle. I guess I am over it Oh and I think I have a date for Saturday night lol

LMBO. Look out world. Islander is back in the saddle. Got get em!

 

[islander]

My first fwb always said " you need a marine". I had one last year and although I agree military guys know what it's like to be torn down then worked back up I've never dated or known one that clicks with me. The potential date is military. So far he has a sense of humor and has the build I'm attracted to.

Question for anyone even mods:

The recent war military guys what should I beware of? It's been a horrible decade plus for these guys. I'm not sure how many tours he has done.

Thanks

 

[JonPop]

Rule one. Don't startle him, always announce your presence.

 

[islander]

Scary as hell! I am actually a little worried about it lol My cop friends always tell me NEVER date a cop. My military friends say NEVER date a military guy whose been to war. Well sh*t who else is left that can handle me? lol

He is now a civilian military adviser. Does that mean he is "fit" for employment only with the military? Is that a good thing to be or is that like a reject position? no offense but I really don't know.

 

[BigO]

Many great men have been to war and return still great men. Just see how he is, everyone handles these things differently. The most dangerous man may be the one who has never been in the military.

 

[islander]

True Big Boy. Again no offense please to my questions. I have never dated a man who was in a war. I have dated men who were in the military but never saw war. I have a few ex marine friends. One unfortunately is not well The other is quite harsh but handles himself well for specific periods of time. The ones that never saw war seem fine.

I am researching it (yes I know over thinker) and so far it seems the ones that did not re enlist but are paid as a civilian seem to be considered good. I would like any comments from those on here that have had experiences. Good or bad. I would be grateful.

 

[BigO]

I have known men that have been involved with the war, some you would never know it and others were a bit jumpy but I have never known one to have a problem that was serious. Most have seemed normal.

 

[JonPop]

Everyone is unique. What attracted you to him in the first place?
You cannot speculate on anything. You either do this or you don't.
You have good insight, so make your own decisions.