What do I do when my girl denies sex? Many guys might have this problem

[sweetie52]

It is perfectly natural to want to be with someone that you are attracted to or love. You are also young-in your prime. From what I understand,you have the suspicion that your partner wants to control the situation. She probably does want more control over the sex life.
Are you a considerate lover? Are you a considerate person in general? Areyou demanding sex when she feels comfortable in her surroundings? Is there enough privacy? Do you just want to do it anywhere anytime? Do you pressure her for control? I want to give my partner sex when he; asks me if I would like a cup of coffee, when he pours himself a cup. If he gives me a spontaneous kiss once in awhile. If he plans a date for US-and includes sex in that. Give her choices-no one wants to be controlled ever. The choices cannot be- money or a blow job-she'll take the money everytime-just to spite you for the insult.

 

[BigO]

I would say he is none of the above, he says he gets it three times a week and yet he complains about her controlling the sex life. He is the one who is controlling it but is far to into what he wants to consider that maybe she is already doing it more than she wants. I am sorry but I dont see what she is doing wrong. I see what looks to be an insecure and possibly controlling person whining because he only gets laid 3 times a week. Wah!
If any person goes about making a women feel like that is not enough, then no matter how he explains it makes no difference. The OP is actually trying to do exactly what he is accusing the women he says he loves of. Take a look in the mirror, pot calling the kettle black, half a dozen of one, six of the other. How ever you wish to view it, it all looks the same to me. Keep on pressing her, your sure gonna miss her.

 

[blazinryanc]

Im one of the most considerate, passionate lovers
out there. When I got denied it was in the shower and when she was over my house for a chill day. I am def a considerate person in general also. But if she does want "more " control, then whats the best way to combat that? - in response to Sweetie

 

[blazinryanc]

I would say he is none of the above, he says he gets it three times a week and yet he complains about her controlling the sex life. He is the one who is controlling it but is far to into what he wants to consider that maybe she is already doing it more than she wants. I am sorry but I dont see what she is doing wrong. I see what looks to be an insecure and possibly controlling person whining because he only gets laid 3 times a week. Wah!
If any person goes about making a women feel like that is not enough, then no matter how he explains it makes no difference. The OP is actually trying to do exactly what he is accusing the women he says he loves of. Take a look in the mirror, pot calling the kettle black, half a dozen of one, six of the other. How ever you wish to view it, it all looks the same to me. Keep on pressing her, your sure gonna miss her.

On average it's 2 times a week not 3. And im not trying to controll her,it's just I notice I get irritated when she denies me. I make sure to always pick good times to have sex. Imagine being extremely horny and your girl/wife denies you of sex. I notice I pul away more from her, because I feel like something is wrong. Idk....even when I try to give her spontaneous passionate kisses she tries to end them with quickness after 10 seconds or I can feel that she is not completely into it. AND in response to that, when she tries to kiss me later I don't feel like engaging too much in the kiss because I feel like she isn't into it. it's a really sticky situation

 

[GTO]

Im one of the most considerate, passionate lovers
out there. When I got denied it was in the shower and when she was over my house for a chill day. I am def a considerate person in general also. But if she does want "more " control, then whats the best way to combat that? - in response to Sweetie

The whole 'control' thing is a slippery slope and one that's best left alone. It'll only lead to resentment from the other party, and once that creeps in, the relationship is officially done. Don't try to 'combat' anything - you can be assertive without being combative and 'control' should not ever be used as a 'weapon.' This sorta thing needs to be hashed out and talked about; if not, your actions will become misconstrued and and you both will end up questioning each other's motives over every little thing.

 

[blazinryanc]

The whole 'control' thing is a slippery slope and one that's best left alone. It'll only lead to resentment from the other party, and once that creeps in, the relationship is officially done. Don't try to 'combat' anything - you can be assertive without being combative and 'control' should not ever be used as a 'weapon.' This sorta thing needs to be hashed out and talked about; if not, your actions will become misconstrued and and you both will end up questioning each other's motives over every little thing.

Honestly, im thinking next time it happens to just talk to her about it. It's just a hard topic to talk about I guess

 

[KungFuJoe]

hey blazinryanc,

I can totally relate to your issue. I had started a thread a while back about thinking I was addicted to sex and my frustration with my wife sometimes not wanting more sex even though I would get it 4-5 (sometimes more) times a week, including several times a day at times where I would want to just keep going even when my wife was sore.

I would get frustrated and find myself acting cold towards her and then I would consider withholding sex (which NEVER works, btw) just so she could feel how I felt, etc, etc.

I too, would say that I'm very considerate, very passionate, the sex is mutually great, and I love her dearly...so why was I acting like such an asshole? Well...things are much better now and overall we are having more sex, but I'm also finding myself not getting into such a "funk" when I do want it and she doesn't.

What happened? I think the first thing is finding out WHY you feel that way. It's different for everyone, but for me, after 9 years of marriage, it was the fear that, like so many other couples who have been together a long time, the sex starts to wane. I was in a 4 year relationship where at first, we were having sex 3 times a day, and by the end, it got so bad I had to beg for sex and it made me feel weak that I wanted it to so much that I would resort to belittling myself just to get it...kinda like a drug addict. So even though the sex was still great with my current marriage, there was a slight drop off at the time due to both of us being very busy and of course, three kids never helps. So, my fear kicked in. I thought she didn't want me anymore, I thought we were going to not have much sex anymore and I got scared and frustrated. Instead of trying to talk it out, I thought I could "force" the issue by trying to withhold sex so that would make her want it more. I can't imagine a more STUPID thing to do and it makes me feel like an idiot that I even considered that. I mean, think about how ridiculous that is. Your partner doesn't want sex so you withhold sex? That's like your kid not wanting to go to school so you punish him/her by saying "FINE...then you're NOT going to school!".

Anyways...the first part of the solution was first realizing why I felt like I did and understanding my fears. Once I knew why, it was easier to find out who to fix it. And for me, a part of that was understanding that is perfectly NORMAL for couples to not have as much sex as they get older, busier and have kids. There is less overall time, less alone time and less time of actually being in the mood. This is much more true for women than men because their sexual moods are more emotionally and mentally driven whereas a guy just has to look at a naked boob and he's ready to go.

But the biggest part of the solution was communication. I told my wife exactly how I felt and I was surprised that she, too, felt like we weren't having as much sex and that she wasn't as "horny" as she used to be. She knew that I was being cold to her at times because of this and this was putting pressure on her and that had an adverse affect. Us talking about it actually lifted something that was slowly closing between us, and most of all it put out there for both of us to see. The end result was that the pressure was lifted from both of us and we actually started having more frequent and better sex like we had in the past. Just this week, we had sex once yesterday during the day (the kids were playing in their room and she was folding clothes on the bed and I just pounced on her) and twice the day before (after the kids were put to bed and we were smoking out and drinking wine).

Just put it out there...let her know exactly how you feel. Don't play any games, don't be coy about it...and be 100% honest with yourself and your partner.

 

[blazinryanc]

KungfuJoe! Thanks man! It's really inspiring to hear someone make it through this problem. I really appreciate you sharing such a touchy subject. But only one question? How did you actually open up and talk about it, I think finding the right time and actually initiating the conversation will be my biggest hurdle to jump over

 

[BigO]

Im one of the most considerate, passionate lovers
out there. When I got denied it was in the shower and when she was over my house for a chill day. I am def a considerate person in general also. But if she does want "more " control, then whats the best way to combat that? - in response to Sweetie

Says who. All I know is that 4 or 5 days ago you put your situation out here and have been advised to talk to her, what did she say? You have gone on about 3 times a week and when I said thats alot you said "oops I meant two times". Weve heard that you want to maybe deny her sex and that you want to gain control and/or power. I am sure you are a decent guy but that doesnt mean that she is in the wrong. I have seen these situations many many times and any strategy you try and devise to get control or power will not work, you havent talked with her and that is telling me all I need to know, I am sure you are a passionate person as long as you are getting your way but that doesnt seem to be what is getting it done now does it?
I am not trying to bust your balls but you are just looking for better strategies or ways to get what you want. This doesnt mean your a bad guy, it means you have a bad plan and youve been offered a good one by several people and you have chose not to use it.
Talk to her, especially if you love her, because if you decide to end it over not getting laid enough without trying to discuss it you may find that wanted the same conversation. She may be somewhere right at this very moment with one of her girlfreinds saying how she wishes you wanted more from her than sex.

For what its worth I wish you the best and thats why I am saying talk to her because I have a feeling if you cant then you have already lost her, she just hasnt told you yet. Sometimes you just have to be a good man to keep a good woman. Do what you know is right, there are no magic words here that we can give you to make her drop her pants and give it up, believe me, if there were I would sell them to you.

 

[blazinryanc]

Says who. All I know is that 4 or 5 days ago you put your situation out here and have been advised to talk to her, what did she say? You have gone on about 3 times a week and when I said thats alot you said "oops I meant two times". Weve heard that you want to maybe deny her sex and that you want to gain control and/or power. I am sure you are a decent guy but that doesnt mean that she is in the wrong. I have seen these situations many many times and any strategy you try and devise to get control or power will not work, you havent talked with her and that is telling me all I need to know, I am sure you are a passionate person as long as you are getting your way but that doesnt seem to be what is getting it done now does it?
I am not trying to bust your balls but you are just looking for better strategies or ways to get what you want. This doesnt mean your a bad guy, it means you have a bad plan and youve been offered a good one by several people and you have chose not to u
se it.
Talk to her, especially if you love her, because if you decide to end it over not getting laid enough without trying to discuss it you may find that wanted the same conversation. She may be somewhere right at this very moment with one of her girlfreinds saying how she wishes you wanted more from her than sex.

For what its worth I wish you the best and thats why I am saying talk to her because I have a feeling if you cant then you have already lost her, she just hasnt told you yet. Sometimes you just have to be a good man to keep a good woman. Do what you know is right, there are no magic words here that we can give you to make her drop her pants and give it up, believe me, if there were I would sell them to you.

Look Big O I really understand everything your saying. I'm not disregarding what your
saying at all, I actually plan on talking to her about it for sure. I guess after cooling down and thinking about it for a bit I realized that maybe I wasn't thinking properly. I let my emotions get the best of me. The hard part Big,O is trying to reconcile the.situation because even though we both love each other o do feel some tension between us. (just a little bit) I want to resolve this as soon as possible. Any advice on breaking the ice about the subject and getting her to open up about it?

 

[Batwoman]

Female perspective here: sometimes us ladies don't want sex, just don't feel like it, and we don't know why either. It can be hard on a woman if she feels that she would like to want more sex, but somehow just doesn't. So be ready for the possibility that she doesn't really know why she has been less interested lately. It is not an easy thing for either partner.

I agree with everyone else who has been saying that the only way to deal with this is to talk about it with her, openly and without blame.

For the record, I really hate it when guys talk about a woman "denying" them sex. That makes it sound like it's something she is doing purposefully (to be mean or controlling or something), and also like providing sex on some sort of schedule -- like feeding the dog regularly -- is some sort of womanly duty. Neither is usually true. How about phrasing it in terms of her not wanting sex as much? Stop making it such an accusatory thing!

 

[Ravenously]

Sometimes it is something that, some (not all), women do intentionally and to be controlling.

 

[MrBigDick]

Female perspective here: sometimes us ladies don't want sex, just don't feel like it, and we don't know why either. It can be hard on a woman if she feels that she would like to want more sex, but somehow just doesn't. So be ready for the possibility that she doesn't really know why she has been less interested lately. It is not an easy thing for either partner.

I agree with everyone else who has been saying that the only way to deal with this is to talk about it with her, openly and without blame.

For the record, I really hate it when guys talk about a woman "denying" them sex. That makes it sound like it's something she is doing purposefully (to be mean or controlling or something), and also like providing sex on some sort of schedule -- like feeding the dog regularly -- is some sort of womanly duty. Neither is usually true. How about phrasing it in terms of her not wanting sex as much? Stop making it such an accusatory thing!

I would agree with this post and truly do think it comes down to word choice. Sex should be equally wanted by both parties. I think it's a thing of men wanting it and needing it more than women and perhaps I'm wrong on that thought but based on my own personal experiences and the experiences of others, that seems to be the case. However, I agree, the woman doesn't need to be made to feel that it was her fault that sex didn't transpire between the two.

 

[sweetie52]

I agree with Batwoman totally. Sometimes, we just don't know why we don't want to have sex. When expected- it starts a downward spiral. Just the opposite will happen in most cases-no sex at all. Choice is every person's right. I do have a suggestion, as the original poster asked for-why don't you ask her to plan the perfect date night, See what happens. The choices will be hers to make.

 

[Steve23]

Sometimes my girlfriends not in the mood so we don't have it, that simple. And sometimes I'm not in the mood when she acts(yes not all guys are horny 24/7, more like 23/7) and she doesn't take it personal or think it's a game or about control etc, it's just how it is. Now if she said no when you ask for sex and if you say no when she acts when you're really not in the mood and she gets angry about it then she has issues you two need to talk over.

 

[BigO]

I think you should start by telling her you love her and you want to talk about this, tell her how you truly feel and then let her tell you how she feels. When shes talking dont interupt her at all.
The most important thing you can do is listen to her and hear what she says. I bet you the end result will be good open communication. You listen and you will benefit and so will she.
Good luck, I think you two may just be fine after all

 

[sweetie52]

Perhaps, she has bad cramps.

 

[hotlips4077]

No but do you remember where I left the whipped cream?

In my dungeon. . . lol

 

[hotlips4077]

Look Big O I really understand everything your saying. I'm not disregarding what your
saying at all, I actually plan on talking to her about it for sure. I guess after cooling down and thinking about it for a bit I realized that maybe I wasn't thinking properly. I let my emotions get the best of me. The hard part Big,O is trying to reconcile the.situation because even though we both love each other o do feel some tension between us. (just a little bit) I want to resolve this as soon as possible. Any advice on breaking the ice about the subject and getting her to open up about it?

Ok, I do not know you. . .but first before I say other things. . .just talk to her, like I said in my eariler reply. Do it at a private location, even in the car, but preferably cuddled on the couch and just talk. Talk when you are both in a good mood. Say Hey babe, can we talk abouit something that has been on my mind, etc etc. Do NOT tell her that she is being controlling or that you need to nip this in the bud or anything to do about power or the upper hand. That will just piss her off and she wont talk.

 

[hotlips4077]

On average it's 2 times a week not 3. And im not trying to controll her,it's just I notice I get irritated when she denies me. I make sure to always pick good times to have sex. Imagine being extremely horny and your girl/wife denies you of sex. I notice I pul away more from her, because I feel like something is wrong. Idk....even when I try to give her spontaneous passionate kisses she tries to end them with quickness after 10 seconds or I can feel that she is not completely into it. AND in response to that, when she tries to kiss me later I don't feel like engaging too much in the kiss because I feel like she isn't into it. it's a really sticky situation

Ok, this is why I said you make red flags go up. . . . .you get irritated when she denies you. . .you do not always pick the good times (other post in the shower and she was over for a "chill day") You seemed upset because you are extremely horny and get denied. . .Do you think you are the first person to get denied when extremely horny? You are not. Do you think that you will never get denied and you are entitled to have sex when ever you want and always when you want it? I am curious to know if she denies you at times because you push the issue (maybe not knowing it)? Be an adult and realize that you will never have sex every time you want it. Accept the fact that sometimes people just don't feel like having sex. You seem to have a higher libido then she does. . . no offense but then go masturbate. I am not saying this to be mean or a bitch. I am telling you what I see when I read all your posts. Talk to her. . . . A little info my guy friend who loves to have sex and would love it every time he wants it but 7 to 10 times a day isn't so realistic. . .but he pushed his partner too much and now he is lucky to get it once a week. Stop obsessing, stop being a little agressive, stop worrying about a power trip or power struggle. Sit down and talk to her. . . .before she walks. Can you please explain how this is a sticky situation??

Also KungFuJoe made few good points. . .