I don't know where to start that's the problem. I don't have the confidence to go out and pick up women because I haven't had sex before and I feel like that confidence would be derived from having sex before. I don't really want a relationship as I feel something bad will happen and I'll end up not having sex, I'll call this other girl tommorow and hopefully go on a date with her soon but I'll constantly be putting pressure on myself and I'm not going to just blurt out I'm a virgin obviously if it's not the right time or place. I don't want to make a girl feel like she needs to have sex with me out of pity, I want her to want to have sex with me, I just feel like if I tell her I'm a virgin she'll be more understanding if I'm bad, I just don't see how I can say that without killing the mood.
I guess this is my sequel thread to being 20 and never being in a relationship
- Thread starter ryansambas
- Start date
What does your social circledof friends look like for one? Start anywhere you want. Just some advice, women tend to dig honesty, so I'm just straight up with them. We all start out as virgins, so honestly I would just share your anxieties with this chick. They might be understanding.
And by the way we're both the same age. I'm not having consistent sex sinfe I don't put myself out there as much, but I'm starting to. I lost my virginity at 19; and up until them to the present I've only had sex five times. I really have no excuse, I'm typically too busy doing other things.
And by the way we're both the same age. I'm not having consistent sex sinfe I don't put myself out there as much, but I'm starting to. I lost my virginity at 19; and up until them to the present I've only had sex five times. I really have no excuse, I'm typically too busy doing other things.
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My friends that I hang out most with are all guys. I have some female friends but I only see them for parties/birthdays. Girls in general are starting to find me more attractive now I think (even made one girl jealous last weekend talking to other girls albeit unintentionally). I don't really know this girl that well so I don't want to scare her away by unloading all this baggage. I still live at home and don't have a car (hopefully I'll get a car soon) so that doesn't help either. I just need to get laid once (although not with a prostitute, that wouldnt help my confidence) but I want my first time to be without much pressure before I start trying to sleep around like I want to do.
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I'm in the same boat as you my friend... The only difference is that it's worse for me. I'm 19, virgin, never kissed a girl, never hugged a girl, never had any chances, nobody has found me attractive, and I actually haven't had a proper conversation with a girl ever that I can remember. (I don't talk a lot, I'm one of those guys who are very silent, and don't say much at all). Obviously I've talked with women, but that would be only for a very short period of time like if I get asked a question or something (then I would just answer with 1 sentence and it would end...)... I never start conversation so I guess that might be the problem? Forgot to add that I don't really have friends, I don't go to parties either...
I guess we can conclude that I'm pretty awkward in real life. Damn.. both me and my first women are going to suffer in awkwardness because of my extremely little experience with women at this age. At this point I really just wanna get laid, would get such a better confidence around women. (Problem is that this won't happen in a few years...)
I guess we can conclude that I'm pretty awkward in real life. Damn.. both me and my first women are going to suffer in awkwardness because of my extremely little experience with women at this age. At this point I really just wanna get laid, would get such a better confidence around women. (Problem is that this won't happen in a few years...)
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Well, you're already in a better position than me. At keast you have a few girl friends, I have like none, yet manage to have sex a few times. I think it'd benefit you in general to have more girl friends; perhaps it could alleviate general anxiety and you could confide in your girl friends from time to time with this stuff (they're people too, with their own problems)
Being a virgin isn't baggage in my eyes. It's understandable to be nervous trying to do something you've never done before. But honestly, my first time was no big deal. Just follow your instincts, ask questions, and place the focus on the girl and you ought to be fine.
I still live with my parents, and just recently got a job, and have a car. So those things help, but aren't exclusive things you need to have.
Being a virgin isn't baggage in my eyes. It's understandable to be nervous trying to do something you've never done before. But honestly, my first time was no big deal. Just follow your instincts, ask questions, and place the focus on the girl and you ought to be fine.
I still live with my parents, and just recently got a job, and have a car. So those things help, but aren't exclusive things you need to have.
I don't really know how to make girl 'friends', at this point if I'm interested in a girl I'm attracted to her and want to have sex with her. I don't recall a time I've ever been interested in a girl and thought 'wow, I'd really like to be friends with her', I'm not saying that to be rude, it's just if I like a girl, I have the male urges. Those urges just havent resulted in anything.
Well yeah, I'm the same way. Id typically like to just have sex with the girls I fancy but then due to stuff in life happening, sometimes the outcome is just friendship.
Lol. I guess; have fun being friends with only guys. Having variety is a nice thing to have, opens up perspectives. But you definitely need to tackle your inner issues. I myself go to a therapist weekly, at least I'm starting to again.
I am opening up more to girls now in terms of talking to them. In the last two nights out I've talked to about 6 different girls, that might not sound like a big deal to most guys but to me that's big as I normally talk to zero girls. The first night out was talking to girls whilst being with my friends who introduced themselves first, the second time was me talking to girls alone and introducing myself. Although I talked to a few of the girls alone too on the first night out, it wasn't because of me that I met them. I want to go out a lot more though, I feel like if I don't, I'll be stuck here forever.
Well as one of my favorite quotes says, if you aren't moving forward, you're falling back. Six girls is good. I make it a point to talk to at least two new girls a day
Yeah, and it's not as if I'm bad at talking to girls, I just hate introducing myself to them. I told one of the girls from the last night out that I studied accounting at university (she asked me what I did, trust me I'd never use accounting to try and pick up a girl lol) and she said that all the accountants she had met before had been 'socially retarded' and that I was the first she had met who wasn't like that so that's good. Usually I banter and basically talk sh*t with girls and just try to be a fun person and make them laugh, which I was doing to one of the girls from New Years so I'm sure if I can take all my qualities and just go for it, I could do well.
I did not read the entire thread, though I've been reading the updates for the last year or so... It sounds to me like you are most of the way there having the most difficult part out of the way. That is, you seem to have no issues talking and creating banter with girls, at least recently. I'm in no way an expert at this so I'll leave that alone.
I just wanted to comment that you really seem to be placing so much emphasis on just having sex and that attitude is likely very counter-productive all around for your efforts. So you are 22 and have not had sex? So what? It's not some great handicap, though it seems you feel it is. Now, because you think it is a massive handicap, you were anxious and missed out on a chance. I hope you see the problem here. It builds up and builds up and builds up in your mind into this huge thing that defines your perception of yourself and your entire life.
Why does the girl you have sex with for the first time have to be a virgin herself? I know the answer you will give by the way...I hope you know that doesn't make sense. You are concerned you won't be a spectacular lover (on your first try), you are embarrassed in advance for what you think will be a poor performance and so you don't try. You really just have to go for it the next time the faintest wisp of a chance comes along...oh, and don't tell her you are a virgin before you do it...unless she asks you point-blank. What is the point of that? If you pop quickly, which there is a good chance will happen, just say something about how turned on you are by her, blah, blah, blah and go for round 2.
I know exactly how you feel by the way because I felt the same way when I was 17...18...19...20...21...22...23...24...25...26...and 27! That's right, I was 27 when I finally got over myself and similar feelings to what you are describing. Don't keep making the same mistake for another 5 years like I did when I was your age.
I just wanted to comment that you really seem to be placing so much emphasis on just having sex and that attitude is likely very counter-productive all around for your efforts. So you are 22 and have not had sex? So what? It's not some great handicap, though it seems you feel it is. Now, because you think it is a massive handicap, you were anxious and missed out on a chance. I hope you see the problem here. It builds up and builds up and builds up in your mind into this huge thing that defines your perception of yourself and your entire life.
Why does the girl you have sex with for the first time have to be a virgin herself? I know the answer you will give by the way...I hope you know that doesn't make sense. You are concerned you won't be a spectacular lover (on your first try), you are embarrassed in advance for what you think will be a poor performance and so you don't try. You really just have to go for it the next time the faintest wisp of a chance comes along...oh, and don't tell her you are a virgin before you do it...unless she asks you point-blank. What is the point of that? If you pop quickly, which there is a good chance will happen, just say something about how turned on you are by her, blah, blah, blah and go for round 2.
I know exactly how you feel by the way because I felt the same way when I was 17...18...19...20...21...22...23...24...25...26...and 27! That's right, I was 27 when I finally got over myself and similar feelings to what you are describing. Don't keep making the same mistake for another 5 years like I did when I was your age.
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Just popping in to say it's not at all uncommon to be a virgin well into your 20's and seems to be more common amongst men than is publicly visible. Frequently I find myself forming the kind of friendship with guys where anything goes for a conversational topic and the amount of men that I've known that have felt this sense of anxiety is staggering. Sex seems like a huge deal before you experience it - in a way it's like sky diving. All that panic before hand, then you're pushed out of the plane and realize you're strapped to someone, the parachute is open and you're just gliding back down to Earth. Having an experienced parachute-puller is helpful but either way the expectation is much worse than the experience in most cases. Nobody is going to expect you to form amazing formations in the air, that first dive is just all about getting out of the plane. Virginity is also something to be cherished as well as lamented - I'm sure there are many of us who wish we could go back and chose someone else, somewhere else, some reason else for our first time. You're at an age now where you're cognitively aware enough not to just give it away to the first willing thing with a pulse like I did.
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Well TNG2…you and your ongoing pity party have really done it now…you’re making me play my “mommy card”. Just like all the members on this site, I care about you (Yes, we really do!) so I am going to give you a reality check; consider it a little tough love. Ready?
I understand that you are frustrated about your current sexual and relationship status, but beating yourself up about all your perceived shortcomings is not going to get you out of this funk. Wallowing in self-pity is only compounding the problem , it is keeping you stuck. (and not making you a whole lotta fun to be around) You need to start seeking solutions to what you consider to be your personal obstacles and BEGIN doing them. If what you choose to do, doesn't work; try something else. Keep at it until you achieve your desired results. Remember there is no failure; only feedback. If you need assistance then simply ask someone for it. The key is to start doing.
Remember:
A) You set an outcome.
B) You monitor your results you get through feedback.
C) You vary your behaviour until you get your outcome.
You. You. YOU!
Now to help you on your way, let me clear up a few things for you:
Girls are just as nervous, self-conscious and unsure about how to approach guys as guys are about approaching girls. Girls are not something to fear; they are very similar to you; except they probably smell better.
Girls tend to be more intuitive than boys which means they are quicker to respond to (and be turned on by) the energy/vibe of a guy than by his looks alone. Keep in mind that your vibe is affected by your own thoughts and feelings. Crappy internal thoughts; crabby vibe.
Your obsession with “getting laid” is not only placing undo pressure on yourself, it is a vibe that a girl will likely pick up as well and she will be running in the other direction. Having sex WILL happen so stop worrying about it and instead focus on building connections with these girls first.
You stated that you have difficulty talking to girls. Let’s clarify that shall we? It is not that you are uncomfortable talking to ALL females (you do talk to your mom and female relatives, don’t you?) So the actual truth is likely that you have difficulty talking to girls you are attracted to, right? Well, one solution that can remedy that is to begin by talking to girls that you are NOT sexually attracted to. That way, you can practice your conversation skills on them without trying to understand all the sexual signals/feelings as well. When you become more comfortable, then move on to chatting with a girl you find attractive and would like to get to know better.
Now, speaking of chatting; people often have difficulty talking to others because they are too much inside their own heads; listening to that inner critic and that causes self-consciousness. Do you want to know the secret to those people who are comfortable talking to others? Instead of focusing their thoughts on themselves, they focus primarily on the other person.They also know to ask the other person questions and listen more than they talk. Ironic isn't it? To be considered a great conversationalist, you need to listen more and talk less.Trust me; people love people who allow them to talk about themselves. This is true for both girls and guys.
Finally, you have mentioned that you are often ignored. Well if you don’t want to be ignored, then don’t be. No one owes you their attention (that’s a bit arrogant don’t you think?) so if you want people to pay attention to you, then you are going to have to say, do or become someone that they want to pay attention to. You are also going to have to create an “approachable” vibe. Don’t worry, these are all learnable skills and there are many ways in which to accomplish them but you must take action!
OK TNG2, I’m putting away my “mommy-card” now and hope that you will give what I have said some serious consideration…
Hugs.
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The problem is that I really don't know where and how to start...
I have been "anti-social" for such a long time. I remember I used to avoid conversations unless it was absolutely needed to say something (Get asked a question). After awhile people stopped asking... I just stopped seeing the point in saying things, like if I got asked a question, then I usually found the best, shortest and most concrete way to answer it, even though I may have had a lot more to say.. I just thought to myself.. "Is it really a point to say all that other crap as well?" The answer was no 100% of the time. So after a few years I realized what this actually did to people, they kind of felt "rejected" because of the way I answered questions. I think they got the impression that I really didn't want to talk with them at all, but not entirely sure.. (I mean if someone ask you a question and you say yes/no for example, then there's nothing more to say, you didn't commit to the conversation.) Just to give a real life example of what I'm talking about what I did before and what I could have done...
Him/her: Are you going to x tomorrow? (x being a random place or event)
me: No. (you see what I did there? I ended the conversation as quickly, as fast and as concrete as possible.
This is what I could have done:
Him/her: Are you going to x tomorrow? (x being a random place or event)
me: No, but I would really like to go (explain why I can't go), what about you? Etc, you get the point of how I was and still am right?
So this is one of the first things I'm going to change...
So after 5 years of this behavior and being anti social I kind of developed a small case of social anxeity. (I think I could've been way worse socially if it wasn't for my family (mainly mom, bro and cousin, I talked to these a lot probably hours a day, I was just anti-social in in class so I really didn't get any friends or someone to talk to (excpet from family)
The reason I'm saying that it's a small case of social anxiety is because I don't really have problems going into a store to ask someone where I can find a specific thing, or to ask my teacher about something. (I kinda feel it though, just before I'm gonna approach (mainly if it's a random person and I have a lot to say because there's a lot to explain)
Another problem is that everyone know me in the class in the way that they know that I don't really wanna talk, or they atleast got that impression. So I really don't wanna start to develop my confidence / social skills in class... (when people are used to know how you are, it's difficult to change it without starting somewhere fresh first)
So let's say there was a guy who had these problems but instead of being at a university (just to make it a little harder), he had a job where there were no girls. All he did all day was to be on the computer and go to work. So in reality, he never came across women at all. What would you advice this guy to do? First step to develop his social skills / confidence, where should he go to meet people and most importantly, how would he do the approach, what are some of the first things he say? Should I have a prepared script or not? So if I approach someone should I be prepared for every possible things she could say and already have it answered in my brain?
I have been "anti-social" for such a long time. I remember I used to avoid conversations unless it was absolutely needed to say something (Get asked a question). After awhile people stopped asking... I just stopped seeing the point in saying things, like if I got asked a question, then I usually found the best, shortest and most concrete way to answer it, even though I may have had a lot more to say.. I just thought to myself.. "Is it really a point to say all that other crap as well?" The answer was no 100% of the time. So after a few years I realized what this actually did to people, they kind of felt "rejected" because of the way I answered questions. I think they got the impression that I really didn't want to talk with them at all, but not entirely sure.. (I mean if someone ask you a question and you say yes/no for example, then there's nothing more to say, you didn't commit to the conversation.) Just to give a real life example of what I'm talking about what I did before and what I could have done...
Him/her: Are you going to x tomorrow? (x being a random place or event)
me: No. (you see what I did there? I ended the conversation as quickly, as fast and as concrete as possible.
This is what I could have done:
Him/her: Are you going to x tomorrow? (x being a random place or event)
me: No, but I would really like to go (explain why I can't go), what about you? Etc, you get the point of how I was and still am right?
So this is one of the first things I'm going to change...
So after 5 years of this behavior and being anti social I kind of developed a small case of social anxeity. (I think I could've been way worse socially if it wasn't for my family (mainly mom, bro and cousin, I talked to these a lot probably hours a day, I was just anti-social in in class so I really didn't get any friends or someone to talk to (excpet from family)
The reason I'm saying that it's a small case of social anxiety is because I don't really have problems going into a store to ask someone where I can find a specific thing, or to ask my teacher about something. (I kinda feel it though, just before I'm gonna approach (mainly if it's a random person and I have a lot to say because there's a lot to explain)
Another problem is that everyone know me in the class in the way that they know that I don't really wanna talk, or they atleast got that impression. So I really don't wanna start to develop my confidence / social skills in class... (when people are used to know how you are, it's difficult to change it without starting somewhere fresh first)
So let's say there was a guy who had these problems but instead of being at a university (just to make it a little harder), he had a job where there were no girls. All he did all day was to be on the computer and go to work. So in reality, he never came across women at all. What would you advice this guy to do? First step to develop his social skills / confidence, where should he go to meet people and most importantly, how would he do the approach, what are some of the first things he say? Should I have a prepared script or not? So if I approach someone should I be prepared for every possible things she could say and already have it answered in my brain?
Bit of advice for all the guys thinking you NEED to get laid to move ahead in life...
1. Focus on meeting a girl.Any girl, you may like them or not, they may be a 10 or 1.Meet someone.
2. Do not talk about yourself besides you name, interests and some cool things you did.Ask her about herself.When she stops talking/pauses, redirect the conversation back to her and get her talking again.Listen attentively.
3. Compliment her about something in a casual manner.As casual as saying " I saw a bird today " or something.Just insert into conversation an honest fact - You have such great hair/nice shoes/you are interesting...whatever and then say " I like that...", with a non-creepy smile.Just have fun.If you want sex, women can smell it as clear as bullshit.
4. Engage in an activity.A walk through the park, show her some place ( Try to lead and not be lead into an unfamiliar area, it throws you off ) Sitting and talking is trumped by going about and talking, getting some street food etc.
5. Be prepared to let girls go.They may shame you, outright reject you, flake on you, etc etc.Remember this - You are a little behind, so it is ok.Do not take these things to heart.Your favorite team may lose so many games every season, but you always support them to win the superbowl.You will hit the jackpot someday!!
1. Focus on meeting a girl.Any girl, you may like them or not, they may be a 10 or 1.Meet someone.
2. Do not talk about yourself besides you name, interests and some cool things you did.Ask her about herself.When she stops talking/pauses, redirect the conversation back to her and get her talking again.Listen attentively.
3. Compliment her about something in a casual manner.As casual as saying " I saw a bird today " or something.Just insert into conversation an honest fact - You have such great hair/nice shoes/you are interesting...whatever and then say " I like that...", with a non-creepy smile.Just have fun.If you want sex, women can smell it as clear as bullshit.
4. Engage in an activity.A walk through the park, show her some place ( Try to lead and not be lead into an unfamiliar area, it throws you off ) Sitting and talking is trumped by going about and talking, getting some street food etc.
5. Be prepared to let girls go.They may shame you, outright reject you, flake on you, etc etc.Remember this - You are a little behind, so it is ok.Do not take these things to heart.Your favorite team may lose so many games every season, but you always support them to win the superbowl.You will hit the jackpot someday!!
Thenewguy,
1. Ask your bro/cuz to take you out and introduce you to some girls.Lose the cool/lone wolf vibe.Just meet people and have fun.Before you meet girls, try to befriend some guys at least and work your way into social circles.
2. On your off day, go to the mall,park and a club in that order.Observe women in the mall.Observe what clothes,shoes,bags and makeup they wear.Observe their gait and posture.Observe where they shop at and how many bags the carry etc.Soon, patterns will emerge and you can see whom you kinda have a chance with, and whom you are not confident of taking on.
Go to the park, observe the readers, the contemplaters, the outdoor/workout crowd etc.Observe how they dress, walk and talk.Observe who hangs out with whom.Do not stare at anyone, but casually observe them.
Go to a club.Not too high class not too seedy.Not limited to one kind of patrons like a goth club.First observe who the high rollers are ( Vip guys ) whom the players are, who the guys with money but no game are etc etc.Then observe the girls.Finally, observe the bartenders.Go to the most talkitive/friendly bartender and order a drink.
Tell him you just got out of a relationship and that you are looking to mingle.Ask him to point out some interesting girls who frequent the club ( notice not hot or nice, but interesting ) and regardless of outcome tip him generously.He will remember your face and name after.
Repeat this mall-park-club cycle 2-5 times.Mall in the morning to afternoon, park in the evening, club at night on the same day.Be prepared to spend 50 bucks on the day for transport and food.Observe observe observe.Make chit chat to strangers about small things like sports or other mundane talk.
Here is a perfect outfit for the day -
Do this homework and get back to me.Some more details like where you work, where you live etc here or via PM would better aid me in giving further advice.
1. Ask your bro/cuz to take you out and introduce you to some girls.Lose the cool/lone wolf vibe.Just meet people and have fun.Before you meet girls, try to befriend some guys at least and work your way into social circles.
2. On your off day, go to the mall,park and a club in that order.Observe women in the mall.Observe what clothes,shoes,bags and makeup they wear.Observe their gait and posture.Observe where they shop at and how many bags the carry etc.Soon, patterns will emerge and you can see whom you kinda have a chance with, and whom you are not confident of taking on.
Go to the park, observe the readers, the contemplaters, the outdoor/workout crowd etc.Observe how they dress, walk and talk.Observe who hangs out with whom.Do not stare at anyone, but casually observe them.
Go to a club.Not too high class not too seedy.Not limited to one kind of patrons like a goth club.First observe who the high rollers are ( Vip guys ) whom the players are, who the guys with money but no game are etc etc.Then observe the girls.Finally, observe the bartenders.Go to the most talkitive/friendly bartender and order a drink.
Tell him you just got out of a relationship and that you are looking to mingle.Ask him to point out some interesting girls who frequent the club ( notice not hot or nice, but interesting ) and regardless of outcome tip him generously.He will remember your face and name after.
Repeat this mall-park-club cycle 2-5 times.Mall in the morning to afternoon, park in the evening, club at night on the same day.Be prepared to spend 50 bucks on the day for transport and food.Observe observe observe.Make chit chat to strangers about small things like sports or other mundane talk.
Here is a perfect outfit for the day -
Do this homework and get back to me.Some more details like where you work, where you live etc here or via PM would better aid me in giving further advice.
Just start by talking to and having fun with girls.Forget about sex, and do not settle into a relationship.Keep it fresh and interesting.Confidence comes from interaction and not outright sex.
The more you chase sex, the more it will elude you.
Already some great advice in this thread. I don't think there's anything more I want to add.
Well, except this:
Ryan, you've got my love and support.
Go forth and conquer!
Well, except this:
Ryan, you've got my love and support.
Go forth and conquer!
