Wanted to see others take on my situation

[NP97]

When a girl breaks up and says she just wants to be single it's a lie. Whether she has another guy in mind or not, the loneliness and hurt of the breakup (even though she did it it still hurts) will eventually drive her into a relationship. Unfortunately rebounds almost never last and they end up hurting them more in the long run. But women think with emotion, rather than logic like men do. Unfortunate, but true... Believe me, I'm going through this now.
I know my ex still loves me, although I acted fuckin' nuts after the break up (to be expected... I was going to ask her to marry me in the summer). Whenever I saw her (last time over a month ago... I needed the break more than her I think) I could see she still loved me. A month after we broke up we even kissed for a long time and fell asleep together in her bed. Christ, on her birthday she hugged me for a good 10 minutes until I said I couldn't breathe. But after this month of not talking she is with a new man.
Last we talked I accidentally made her cry by bringing up old memories of her grandma... She told me she wasn't looking forward to the holidays, and low and behold, the day before Thanksgiving she gets a new boyfriend.
Now I know this is not serious, and I know how to act when I talk to her. I just don't know if she will want to see me or even talk to me. I called her today and she didn't answer, but she may have been at work (I don't know her schedule... it changes daily). I'll try again tomorrow or the day after, but I just don't know if she'll want to see or even talk to me.

Also, she wanted to marry me as well. We actually broke up a week before the big breakup, and got back together that day. She asked me if I still wanted to marry her, and I said yes. Not friends on myspace or facebook or anything either.... which was for the best because I was just checking out her profile WAY too much. I WANT to spend the rest of my life with her... I know what I did wrong in our relationship and I would never do it again. I also never cheated or did anything that would warrant her hating me, like being abusive. I'm at the point where I don't NEED her but I still want her. After a month of not talking I love her just as much as before. Also she never really gave me a real reason for breaking up... she said things like she didn't love me as much, I didn't treat her good enough, and I didn't SHOW enough emotion towards her.

Any thoughts on this?

 

[JohnSmith011]

Hey man i don't want to make you feel worse but i have been in a similar situation that you are in. What i learned from it is this. No matter what you do no matter how hard you try you just cannot make someone love you. They have to love you just as much as you love them other wise in the long run the relationship will not last.

 

[Radiohead]

Yep. You have been emotionally injured. It is difficult to deal with.

You have a case of broken heart one-itis syndrome. This is when the one girl you wanted (one-itis, which is a disease like meningitis) has broken you heart.

Most cases of one-itis are treated by having sex with other, hotter women. That is how pick up artists deal with one-itis.

But I do understand your pain. I promise that it WILL go away. Listen to all the love songs that have been written. Most of them deal with break ups. Everybody has been through a difficult break up. It will pass. Give it time. Go out and meet other chicks, even if you dont want to.

 

[NP97]

That's what I have been doing this month. Like I said. I can go without her, but... well I just don't want to. I didn't even want to be friends with her after the breakup because I knew it would only hurt me and my chances with her coming back... she cried a week or so later and asked me if I would.... and, like a dumb ass, I said yes. Then the craziness started. I know I fucked things up pretty bad there.... I was hoping after a month of no talking we could go out for coffee or something just to catch up. I can't force her to love me again, but I think I can win her heart back over time if we talk. I mean this IS my dream girl. Honestly, she is the most beautiful women in the world... I got so lucky and fucked it up somehow. Kinda funny. I was so positive about a week ago... Only good thoughts about talking to her again... then the day before I got so nervous. Had to wait an extra two days to build up the confidence again. The pain isn't nearly as bad as before... although it still sucks some times. Lets just hope she wants to talk, because even just being friends at this point is better than never seeing her again.

Additionally... it's just tough when you have no idea what the real reason for the breakup was. I have this feeling deep inside that tells me we will get back together, while my mind is telling me it's over. Just sucks something awful. I just hope she will be willing to talk, that's all I'm worried about. When she finally answers, I'll know if it's truly over or not. If it's over I want to be friends because I worry and care about her (she has type 1 diabetes, so her health is an issue). I just think maybe she is young and just doesn't realize that people in relationships have good and bad times. We were in a rut where we weren't seeing each other as much due to work schedules and me starting school again. Maybe she will come to her senses... only time will tell.

 

[NSF001]

Tough times man. You'll pull through. Ive been through the same, still have some lingering issues, but I am stronger, and definately bitter, and in many ways more aggressive. One word of advice for you: pick up boxing and intense hiking, worked out great for me. As for having lots of sex, I didn't go down that route because of my own problems with my pecker, which now I have(somewhat) come to believe is normal sized.

She never gave me clear reasons as well, from the little i gathered, she broke up with me for showing too much emotion, caring and loving too much, and treating her real good all the time. Typical nice guy syndrome.

 

[NP97]

Gotta love that. Maybe I'll get lucky and the dude she's with now will be a total dick like I think he will. I know where he's from and from seeing him and how he looks with his friends and with my girl I can tell he is going to start pressuring her into sex soon. I waited 4 months for her. She will realize that most men only care about sex and not the actual woman.
Honestly, the fact that we dated for almost 2 years and had few problems beyond arguments about her missing school or me sleeping in and not seeing her before work is a good thing.
I'm a little drunk, so I'm emotional. I'm just glad I didn't get so drunk I went call crazy on her since she didn't pick up today. I'll get her back, she'll see my (by the time we have sex... gotta take that fairly slow... but not too slow) bigger cock. Hoping to be around 7" and thicker for her. If we do have sex I'm gonna just eat her up... set a new personal best for times I make her cum at 25

 

[NP97]

So a little update... I called her while at work and she answered, then hung up. I thought it was a dropped call so I called back and her new boyfriend answered. Wow, was I right... what an asshole. First of all I know her, she HATES when people mess with her phone (it's expensive and she doesn't like people touching it). And he was fuckin' rude right in front of her. Well my hopes are just sky high now. He told me she wasn't around and not to call back. I waited a bit and texted her, just saying I wanted to catch up and thank her for some things. Well I get a text from her BF that says leave her alone, she doesn't want to talk to you ever again. She isn't your friend now and wants nothing to do with you. I replied nice and calmly by saying you got it boss... hope you guys are happy together! Think he is jealous? I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess she might bring me up in conversation, because I have never met the dude, but I guess he knew my caller ID.
I'm thinking the hangup was from him being in another room, then walking in when I called. Kinda fucked up my plans, but time to adapt now. I think good fortune is finally on my side! POSITIVE MINDSET! Now it's time for her to realize he is a fucknut. Hopefully him acting like that will be the catylst for our reunion.

 

[papaki]

So a little update... I called her while at work and she answered, then hung up. I thought it was a dropped call so I called back and her new boyfriend answered. Wow, was I right... what an asshole. First of all I know her, she HATES when people mess with her phone (it's expensive and she doesn't like people touching it). And he was fuckin' rude right in front of her. Well my hopes are just sky high now. He told me she wasn't around and not to call back. I waited a bit and texted her, just saying I wanted to catch up and thank her for some things. Well I get a text from her BF that says leave her alone, she doesn't want to talk to you ever again. She isn't your friend now and wants nothing to do with you. I replied nice and calmly by saying you got it boss... hope you guys are happy together! Think he is jealous? I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess she might bring me up in conversation, because I have never met the dude, but I guess he knew my caller ID.
I'm thinking the hangup was from him being in another room, then walking in when I called. Kinda fucked up my plans, but time to adapt now. I think good fortune is finally on my side! POSITIVE MINDSET! Now it's time for her to realize he is a fucknut. Hopefully him acting like that will be the catylst for our reunion.

You have a so fucking possitive atitude man I am sure she will come back!!!.Keep it like this.I can also see that you are calm and act with your mind and not emotions(prey to come back) wich is the best thing you can do.If you keep working with plans and mind the chanses for me are 80-90% she would come back...

 

[NP97]

Balls in her court.... no talking for a while (at least through holidays). I have a feeling things will be OK for them through Christmas and New Years. Afterwords it will really hit her. I mean the Christmas we had last year was just sublime. All good in mah hood!

 

[MisterGeo]

Hi NP97,

I really hope some of our female members will chime in on this one.

 

[burt]

Yep, move on. Get yourself some new tail and leave her alone. And I'm going to tell you something I don't think anyone has yet; DO NOT marry this girl. It will end badly. I think men that play the field are a lot happier than the ones who just stick with one woman. Why don't you try this out for a while and see for yourself?

 

[JonPop]

Do NOT become a stalker. That is what you are doing. Leave her alone, this will only bring you troubles that you do not want. She has a life, it's hers and you are not included, forget her and move on. (jP

 

[NP97]

Listen, I am in move on mode right now. I have been out and dating... only a few good dates but nothing that would pan out. If she wants to come back, that's great. If not, I can deal with that. As to stalking, I have had many opportunities to become one, and have so far passed. Never passed her house, never went to see her, never check up on her through friends or family. I'm letting her do what she wants and leaving her alone. In the end I want to be happy and want her to be happy. If it's with me, then that's awesome. If not, I do still want to be in her life in some capacity. I mean I care about her a lot. Only time will tell and I can deal with whatever it brings me.
Trying to take care of me has helped so much recently. I look and feel better about myself than I have in 3 months. I'm getting close to the shape I was in before we even started dating.
One of my work friends said something I found kinda funny and ironic. He said, "What's going to happen is you will end up moving on, and by the time she realizes what a big mistake she made you won't want her anymore. She is gonna feel how you do now, and will probably do everything you have done wrong." Sad thing is I know that's probably true.
I just don't want any 'what ifs?'. I'm gonna give her space and let her do whatever she wants. She could have had a wonderful life with someone who loved her completely. She threw it out. She can live with it when it bites her in the ass.

 

[outlawtas]

I'd forget about her man. There are plenty of girls that would have a lot more respect for you.

 

[NP97]

Honestly, I'm at a good stage in my life right now. I'm back in school, working out daily (minus recent injuries...), making my penis bigger, and looking around for a new job with better pay/time to work at. I'm getting her family something for Christmas, just to thank them again for all they did for me (like taking me on vacation and not letting me pay for anything... although I forced them to let me pay for dinner on her dad's birthday) and getting her dog a new chew toy. Trying my best to forget, but it's far easier said then done. I'm still at the point where if she wants me back I'll take her, but I really don't think that's going to last much longer. It's just tough that this had to happen during the holidays and not sometime when there was nothing going on. I think the only other hard part will be in March when it would have been our 2 year anniversary. We'll see how it goes... either way, I'm done trying to win her back...

 

[007]

There is lots of good advice here by your fellow bros. I truely hope you are moving on because unless she has done some hardcore changing (on her own) then this will happen again, only next time you'll be married with a house/cars/bills and suddenly she'll bail for vague, luke-warm reasoning. Her relationship skills are not up to par for a lasting relationship otherwise she'd have laid out her concerns in an adult, logical fashion, long before it ever got close to crisis level....meaning break-up.
And hey, the next person you find, the feelings will be stronger and more passionate than they were for your ex, trust me...that seems like a futile statement but it's true.
Meanwhile, it's all about you right now, work on yourself, pamper and improve yourself. And think about the next girl and how lucky she'll be to get a great guy with a bigger jack-hammer. You deserve someone that meets you 50/50 and is worthy of all you have to offer, not a fixer-upper that may or may not pan out in the future.
But also take time to acknowledge the loss, for grieving is part of loss, but do not dwell on her or thoughts of a come-back tour. Depending on your level of feeling it may take several months. And I would not try and be "friends"....friendly ocassionally...yes, friends...not so much. It is simply a way to stay plugged into her life and it only tortures you by nurturing hopes of a reunion, or by her using this as a way to continually manipulate you. You have to let her be...it's hard man, I know Iv'e been there and it sucks.
And really, in the end, who knows why females suddenly have a change of heart,....you spent too much time at work or not enough, your too emotional or not enough, your too giving or your too selfish, because water is wet or the sky is blue, perhaps the dow closed above 5000 ....I mean who knows, but something has caused them to lose attraction and or fall out of love with you. It hurts and it's cruel, but you will rise above and come out with someone much better in the future.
And I agree, even if you don't want to, go out be around other females, date, play around, all that. Eventually you'll see that other females out there want you and you'll realize you still got the juice and deserve better than being treated with disregard and vague explanations.
For your own good let her go completely, your strong and beautiful and somebody more deserving will gladly make you the center of her universe, for now play but do not get caught up in a rebound, and most of all work on yourself right now!!!!
I there for man!

 

[MrBigDick]

I read most of this thread and I can tell you that I am currently going through a similar situation with my gf. We've been together over a year now and there are just some things that have begun to work my nerves where she's concerned.

The more I think about her, the more I start to realize a few things. She's fine as long as she's getting her way but the minute I stand my ground and call her out on something, she immediately turns the argument around at me and makes me feel like I'm the bad guy and she automatically goes into "victim" mode. Her punctuality isn't for sh*t. I took my daughter out on Sunday to run some errands and my gf and I had planned on meeting at Starbucks at 3pm. She texted me earlier that afternoon, asking if we could make it 3:30 as she was running late. OK, whatever. Well, my daughter and I get there at 3:30 as agreed upon and I even ordered her a drink. So, we sat and waited for 45 minutes before she even bothered to show up. And of course I was mad because once again, total disrespect for my schedule and my time had been displayed as well as disrespect towards my daughters schedule (she's 11). My gf has a 20 year old son (I'm 39, my gf is 50). He asked me if they were late and I said "yes, you are".........he then asked "are we really late?" and again I answered "yes, you are". My gf then proclaims "well, it doesn't matter that we're late, the point is that we're here now". I mean, her behavior was just downright rude and disrespectful.

Since she had a bad weekend, I didn't say anything. Mind you, this sort of thing has been going on for the 15 months we've been together. We'll have a family dinner at my place and I'll tell her to be there at 3pm and she'll show up about 4pm. So this past Monday, she was going to make dinner for me. Great. We go ALL day and finally at 3:30 she send me this text that she just wasn't up to making dinner tonight. I got mad. I didn't text her back because if I had, my emotions would've gone crazy and I would've said sh*t I'd have regretted.

So, Monday night comes and I go to her house and I decide to get my feelings about this off my chest. I didn't even go into the Starbucks incident, I just stuck to the dinner thing. Perhaps I could've just let the whole thing go as I've done with most things about her that irritate me but as she sat on the couch, she floated a line past me that was like her putting a 6" butcher knife through my heart. She told me "if you really were my friend, you would've understood that I wasn't feeling well and that I tried and tried and tried and struggled with the decision to make or not make dinner and all you do is get angry at me for my not making dinner. You know, I try really, really hard and if you were my friend, you'd understand and you wouldn't have gotten angry". I couldn't believe it. Not only was this woman accusing me of me NOT being her friend BUT she was also manipulating my argument and turning it against me! Unbelievable!

I followed her into the kitchen and we continued having our "disagreement" while she washed the dishes. I insisted that I was in fact her friend and she kept saying "well, if you were my friend, you'd have understood my feelings on this and you wouldn't have gotten angry. I mean, why would you get so angry if you were my friend, I just don't understand that". By this point, I really had heard enough and in light of all I've done for her since we've been together, her telling me I wasn't her friend hurt and pissed me off more than I could verbalize.

So, I calmly told her "well, if you truly feel I'm not your friend, perhaps I should leave?" She just looked at me and said "perhaps you should". That was it. I grabbed my stuff and left. Haven't heard or spoken to her since.

I've run the gammet of emotions from being broken hearted to being pissed off. Every time I hear the comment about me not being her friend, I think of ALL that I've done for her and I get more and more upset. I've taken care of her car for her, I've cleaned her house for her ON MY DAYS OFF so she would come home to a clean house, I've given her grocery money, I gave her money to get her hair done for Christmas (not a Christmas present, just a "because" gift), I've gotten her financial arrangements in order because she's terrible with money through her own admission, I helped her get her final paycheck from her prior employer (they sent her her final paycheck last year and for some odd reason, she never cashed it. So, I emailed her and told her how to handle HR and get her final paycheck), I have her 15K of my Alaska Airline miles when we went to Seattle over Labor Day weekend so her airfare would be cheaper (cost of about $150). And lastly, I helped her with her intellectually challenged 20 year old son who has a form of autism. Because of me, this kid FINALLY after 11 years went to the dentist and got his teeth in order. I also offered to take this kid to get his DMV permit to learn to drive and I've taken him to my house a couple of different times while my gf was at work so he had someone to talk to and hang out with.

I've done ALL of this sh*t for her and she had the fucking nerve to tell me I'm not her friend!

I haven't heard from her since Monday and while she has the libido of a fuckin' jackrabbit, the sex almost isn't worth it anymore. Not when there are too many other women out there who would love a guy like me.

 

[JonPop]

Oh man, Bret. I NEVER wanted see a post like this from you. You do what you have to. Just remember, I am still your friend. (jP

 

[MrBigDick]

Oh man, Bret. I NEVER wanted see a post like this from you. You do what you have to. Just remember, I am still your friend. (jP

Thanks JP. All I can say is it is what it is. I want to email her or text her but I keep telling myself not to because I didn't disrespect my feelings or my schedule/time, she did. I do love her and want the best for her but the truth is, 25 years of emotional abuse by her ex husband have just proven too much for me to take on any longer. All I ever wanted Renee to do was acknowledge my feelings and validate them like she's demanded of me since we've been together but she simply refuses to do that. Because her ex husband constantly devalued her feelings and made her feel stupid and dumb, she's now doing the exact same thing to me whether she realizes it or not. In a sense, she's making me pay for all of what he did to her by trying to control every aspect of our relationship up to and including any arguments we have. I simply can't live like this any longer and there are just too many good, single women out there looking for a guy like me for me to tolerate this nonsense out of Renee any more. I sincerely hope that Renee realizes how badly she's blown it for herself because if it isn't me, it'll be the next guy that she makes pay and no guy is going to put up with her emotional baggage from the past plus her special needs son living with her full time. And she hates talking to strange men, dating or going to clubs and meeting strange guys so I honestly don't know how she'll ever get laid again or meet another guy.

 

[JonPop]

Well buddy, look at the bright side, you got fucked a LOT. So sad that this has happened. (jP