my roomates, after dating for about 2-3 years, have broken up. Things just got messy for everyone.
C and S have been together for a long time. Personally, I never saw them together. I always saw them bringing out the worst in each other.
You know those relationships where they have nothing good to say about each other? "He does this and I hate it!" Or, "If only she did THIS more, she'd be better." But still, they insisted on their love.
I forget exactly when, but soon after they started dating they moved in together. For the next 2-3 years, they spent all their time together.
S initiated the break up. She said that they have been unhappy for a long time and that this would be for the best. To try to win her back, C has been cleaning the apartment like a madman. He's been cutting back heavily on his pot smoking. He's been more talkative and accommodating. These are all things that he hasn't really done in the last 2-3 years since I've known him.
I kinda wish they'd break up more often.
I can see it being too little too late for S. C has been writing her love letters, telling S how he's going to change for her. He's telling her how she betters his life. He's doing all sorts of things to win her back. He also can't stop crying. He hasn't eaten in about a week. He's a total mess over this.
I could see from S's perspective: If you felt this way, why haven't you done any of this before? I know they've talked about it. She used to tell me all about how she tried to get C to change his behaviour. Only now in a final act of desperation does he show her he can change.
If I were her, I'd be slightly offended. While it's sweet of him to want her so much that he's overcome with emotion, why didn't he think of this before? To me, it looks like he took her for granted.
Watching them over the last little while showed me how not to act in a relationship. It showed me that it takes a lot of work to build something with another person. My major concern about them is the why of it all. Why were they together in the first place? What needs did they fulfill in each other, when they were so unhappy for so long?
This is what I saw:
S filled the motherly roll in his life. C's mother passed away shortly before they got together and he blames himself. S gave him all the nurturing and sympathy that she could. Over time, he became a leech to her good will, an emotional vampire sucking her dry.
C gave her the feeling of being needed and wanted. She always gave me the impression she has deeply rooted feelings of insecurity. He gave her a sense of belonging and purpose to a degree she couldn't find elsewhere.
I think the relationship was sick to start off with and I'm confident in that because they never once told me what they admire in the other. Ever.
That's one thing that I learned from that mistake. If you love someone, be vocal about what you admire. You aren't with them by accident; there's something about this individual that draws you to them. What is it that attracts you two? I think verbalizing it and showing appreciation is such a simple way of solidifying bonds between two people.
When he took her out, it was usually some fancy restaurant that came with a big expensive bill. I don't think this impresses women. I think miniputting can be so much more romantic than a candle lit dinner.Bring a sharpie and write your names on the plastic windmill. C+S in a heart. It's young, it's cute. It's more memorable than the swanky meal you just ate.
So now C is talking to me for hours each night, brainstorming ways of winning her back. While I admire his determination, I believe it's misplaced. He's trying to 'get' something out of this and I think that's a negative view on relationships. They're about giving, aren't they? That's how I look at it, anyway.
And that's why I don't think his 'big changes' are going to work: they aren't genuine, and she sees that.
I hope it works out for them both in the end because I don't have any magical solutions to make it all better, as I think he's trying to find.
