depressed

[dadude]

i feel really depressed right now, because theres this girl at work, and i think shes into me and i think that if i was to ask her for her number shed probably give it to me. and maybe something would happen. but at the same time theres this battle going on inside me with myself over whether we should or not, cause theres a part of me that is really horny, and wants too fuck so bad, but then theres another part of me that dosnt wanna expirience sex as i am for i know its not what i want, its not the quality im looking for. and i also dont want others knowing how i am. i just dont wanna be that kind of guy. and all of these issues have made my drug problems resurface. ive relapsed recently. the whole point of me doing what i did was so i could get her off my mind, cause i was so horny and i just couldnt stop thinking about her, or sex. and i knew that i would ask her for her number or something. iw ouldve done something. so i did it to take that drive away from myself. and it worked but now im depressed i did this to myself, and that the drive is gone and im feeling much less sure of myself.

plus on top of all this ive not been practicing my edging recently so i cant control my orgasm like i used to. ive taught myelf to do so twice. but it takes months of practice, and once i would get things under control, i would try to make something happen with someone, but they either wouldnt be interested or would already be in a relationship. and after trying a few times and getting really burnt out on edging due to how much i had been doing it and for how long. i would stop and take a break for like a month or more. and then lose everything and have to str=art all over. i have noticed it takes less time everytime you teach yourself to last longer, but it still takes months.

im very sad that i want sex so badly, but i want a certain kind of sex, and i cant have it. all i can do is imagine what it would be like. honestly whats the point in being here if theres this amazing thing that you know exist but you just cant get a hold of it. im not suicidal or anything. but i long for nothingness. i hate the duelistic nature of reality, and i dont want good or bad. i wished i could just not be, not expirience. i wish for a lack of creation. for creation is the source of all my suffering.why must things be this way? its as if the creator wanted us to be miserable on a massive scale.

im a 26 year old virgin, ad everytime i come across a pretty girl, its just torture, cause i could do something, but i cant do what i want. i cant be what i want. so it feels pointless to be at all.

a great example is this: what if your getting to know someone or dating someone, and they are into a type of sex that your not into. in some circumstances with a relationship, sure sometimes they figure it out, but most the times you end up leaving them for someone whos into the same type of sex as you. its the same thing only its just me and me alone in this situation. im not into the sex im able to give. im completely willing to put on hard work and dedication to gaining it. but i cant even do that right now. and most likely this injury wont be fully healed till im atleast 30. i just feel horrible now, typing that out just made things worse. it just kinda made it sink in deeper that im miserable and am going to be miserable for much longer no matter what i do.

 

[Cpt. Jean-Luc Dickhard]

Hey Dadude.
Does sound like you're being very hard on yourself, but maybe there's some bits of the story i dont understand. This injury you refer to, is it a physical or psychological injury? Is it related to sex, in that it would affect your ability to have sex?
And I note I think you're saying you have PreE and have been at times working on extending how long you last for by edging?
Depending on the nature of this injury I do think you're overthinking things and being very hard on yourself, undeservedly so... Sounds like a good situation, there's a girl you like and you think she likes you? But you're denying yourself from finding out because you think if it becomes sexual you won't last long enough for it to count as the sort of sex you want to have? I think you're thinking too many steps ahead, have a date or 2 or 3 first, she might not necessarily want to be rushing into bed with you from day 1. And even if you do, and even if you do finish earlier than you'd like, honestly it wouldn't be the end of the world... You could still satisfy her, and work on lasting longer the second and third time's... Seems awfully cruel to yourself to deny yourself even swapping numbers with her or going out with her all because of some of these hypothetical situations.

But as I say maybe I've misunderstood some of the story or the nature of your injury. Take care of yourself

 

[mistergeorge]

Cpt. Dickhard is spot on.

From this other thread it sounds like your injury was from a home made weight hanging device:

need opinions

hi there, ive been injured from a hanging injury since november of 2019. ive been on a break since then, and it still hurts randomly. i think its a pretty severe injury because when it happened instead of completely stopping i just tried lowering the weight, and i just kept lowering and lowering...

thebiohacker.com

This snippet is the best part of your post about your depression:

.....i just feel horrible now, typing that out just made things worse. it just kinda made it sink in deeper that im miserable and am going to be miserable for much longer no matter what i do.

This is the best part of your post because you are recognizing something about how you are causing these depressions.

I'm more than twice your age and have lived with depressions of different degrees most of my life. Sometimes it's a matter of the chicken or the egg and it's very difficult to sort out. Other times a depression will just descend on me like a fever with no apparent cause. When it's a fever it usually breaks spontaneously just like any other fever. And other times I can clearly identify situational triggers and even my own thinking that's fueling it and do something about it. In fact, there are always things I can do to improve my mood. Sometimes it's just harder and I have to be more patient with myself.

Here's what I see you doing in this thread. In this paragraph you just rationalized the blackest most nihilistic values to yourself:

......im very sad that i want sex so badly, but i want a certain kind of sex, and i cant have it. all i can do is imagine what it would be like. honestly whats the point in being here if theres this amazing thing that you know exist but you just cant get a hold of it. im not suicidal or anything. but i long for nothingness. i hate the duelistic nature of reality, and i dont want good or bad. i wished i could just not be, not expirience. i wish for a lack of creation. for creation is the source of all my suffering.why must things be this way? its as if the creator wanted us to be miserable on a massive scale.

This is the stuff you have to go to work on challenging internally now because you've ingrained it in your consciousness. It's fueling your depression and taking on the power of a contributory cause in itself. It's up to you to fix your thinking on this now. It might be helpful next time you start feeling depressed to use that as your cue to say, "Hey, I'm doing it again. Something's not right in my thinking and feeling here. I need to do some things to challenge this." Long walks. Lists of things you DO have in your life. Lists of things you enjoy. Anything to start breaking up the rut you found yourself in.

Just some suggestions.

You're getting some good words from Cpt. Jean-Luc Dickhard. He's absolutely nailed the crux of your relational anxiety. You will have to face the thing you fear which is that you'll have to eventually show up to have sex and risk that it won't be what you think you want. As a self described virgin, you haven't even had sex so you don't really know what it will be like. It's usually not that great the first few times for anybody.

The substance use is just going to complicate everything. It's time you came around to the self-realization that it NEVER does what you want it to do. It only makes things worse and alienates you. So this is something to decide out of your life.

Sounds like a difficult path you'll be on for a while. But I don't believe for a minute that you want nothing. Nothing is not something we as human beings can experience. There is always something, and you can read all about this urgent philosophical issue on this thread:

Nothing.

.

thebiohacker.com

 

[dadude]

yea im sorry for that confusion. i actually wrote one big message but realized part of it should be on a diffrent thread. i went over it but i guess i missed that part that makes things confusing.

 

[dadude]

Hey Dadude.
Does sound like you're being very hard on yourself, but maybe there's some bits of the story i dont understand. This injury you refer to, is it a physical or psychological injury? Is it related to sex, in that it would affect your ability to have sex?
And I note I think you're saying you have PreE and have been at times working on extending how long you last for by edging?
Depending on the nature of this injury I do think you're overthinking things and being very hard on yourself, undeservedly so... Sounds like a good situation, there's a girl you like and you think she likes you? But you're denying yourself from finding out because you think if it becomes sexual you won't last long enough for it to count as the sort of sex you want to have? I think you're thinking too many steps ahead, have a date or 2 or 3 first, she might not necessarily want to be rushing into bed with you from day 1. And even if you do, and even if you do finish earlier than you'd like, honestly it wouldn't be the end of the world... You could still satisfy her, and work on lasting longer the second and third time's... Seems awfully cruel to yourself to deny yourself even swapping numbers with her or going out with her all because of some of these hypothetical situations.

But as I say maybe I've misunderstood some of the story or the nature of your injury. Take care of yourself

im saying that both my penis size and pre-e is causing the issue. but i cant do anything about my penis size right now because of my hanging injury, probably wont for years. sorry for the confusion, it was one big mesage i broke into 2 mesages for diffrent threads.

 

[dadude]

Cpt. Dickhard is spot on.

From this other thread it sounds like your injury was from a home made weight hanging device:

need opinions

hi there, ive been injured from a hanging injury since november of 2019. ive been on a break since then, and it still hurts randomly. i think its a pretty severe injury because when it happened instead of completely stopping i just tried lowering the weight, and i just kept lowering and lowering...

thebiohacker.com

This snippet is the best part of your post about your depression:


This is the best part of your post because you are recognizing something about how you are causing these depressions.

I'm more than twice your age and have lived with depressions of different degrees most of my life. Sometimes it's a matter of the chicken or the egg and it's very difficult to sort out. Other times a depression will just descend on me like a fever with no apparent cause. When it's a fever it usually breaks spontaneously just like any other fever. And other times I can clearly identify situational triggers and even my own thinking that's fueling it and do something about it. In fact, there are always things I can do to improve my mood. Sometimes it's just harder and I have to be more patient with myself.

Here's what I see you doing in this thread. In this paragraph you just rationalized the blackest most nihilistic values to yourself:



This is the stuff you have to go to work on challenging internally now because you've ingrained it in your consciousness. It's fueling your depression and taking on the power of a contributory cause in itself. It's up to you to fix your thinking on this now. It might be helpful next time you start feeling depressed to use that as your cue to say, "Hey, I'm doing it again. Something's not right in my thinking and feeling here. I need to do some things to challenge this." Long walks. Lists of things you DO have in your life. Lists of things you enjoy. Anything to start breaking up the rut you found yourself in.

Just some suggestions.

You're getting some good words from Cpt. Jean-Luc Dickhard. He's absolutely nailed the crux of your relational anxiety. You will have to face the thing you fear which is that you'll have to eventually show up to have sex and risk that it won't be what you think you want. As a self described virgin, you haven't even had sex so you don't really know what it will be like. It's usually not that great the first few times for anybody.

The substance use is just going to complicate everything. It's time you came around to the self-realization that it NEVER does what you want it to do. It only makes things worse and alienates you. So this is something to decide out of your life.

Sounds like a difficult path you'll be on for a while. But I don't believe for a minute that you want nothing. Nothing is not something we as human beings can experience. There is always something, and you can read all about this urgent philosophical issue on this thread:

Nothing.

.

thebiohacker.com

when i describe wanting nothing i mean it in the sense of whats been taught to me through buddhist texts and meditation. i understand what they mean by the blissfulness of nothingness. even though that dosnt make sense with any language we currently have for they have not evolves=d yet to a point where we can describe such things. i deffinately meant what i said,because if existance was just that there wouoldnt be this duelism. and without duelism you cannot have creation. the true source of the problem.

and i agree the substance use does complicate things, for example. i now dont have the confidence in my ability to be cognitively functioning in a appropriate manner to be trying to make a relationship work, due to the drug use. i now have a chemical imbalance with my brain and i can notice a lack of cognitive function that wasnt there before i took the drug. ive not had any issues for a long time. until i ran into this girl i never even had cravings or anything. i work out all the time, run a ruck every week, i inttermitent fast and im a ketogenic vegetarian. im incredibly healthy, i feel like i look great. and i had been feeling great until i took the drug. but running into this chick, and finding out that shes deffinately, most likely into me, made me feel too good. i may need to mention im bipolar and high functioning autist as well. and sometimes my emotions are just really intense, and that goes for "good" feelings and it was just too much.

im not so worried about the pre-e, because yall are right, if shes the right one, she would be willing to help me with this pre-e situation. and that sounds like it could be a fun journey with someone. im fine with that, im just saying its not helping anything either. the thing that really killing me right now is my penis size. i just dont wanna deal with the expirience that is waiting for me. and i cant even put the work in to change things and probably wont be able to for years.

 

[dadude]

i think its also important to note that i do meditation and yoga almost every singe day. its been this way since december 5th 2019. i think its important to note this because i think those 2 things have helped the most with everything.

 

[Big Al]

What's wrong with taking your time and only proceeding with sexual activity when you feel ready to. Pressure to perform is a chief reason why men experience issues, and until one goes from the mind set of "having to" to "wanting to", there's going to be internal conflicts.

Value yourself enough to take the time to ease into a comfortable level of intimacy first.

 

[dadude]

What's wrong with taking your time and only proceeding with sexual activity when you feel ready to. Pressure to perform is a chief reason why men experience issues, and until one goes from the mind set of "having to" to "wanting to", there's going to be internal conflicts.

Value yourself enough to take the time to ease into a comfortable level of intimacy first.

thanks Big Al.

 

[not2big]

Unless you have a micro penis(under 2.5” el) penis size doesn't necessarily prevent you from satisfying a girl. My dick was 4.5“ x 4.4” when I got married and I have kept my wife satisfied for over 50 years.

 

[Jay1983]

Without suffering, we would not experience pleasure. Without fails, we would not succeed.

Relax bro, relax. Sit around and just listen to yourself breathe.

 

[Big Al]

thanks Big Al.

You're welcome, and please take the advice to heart. Not only is it better for you, but a potential [caring] partner will appreciate the confidence you'll reflect if you care about yourself enough to take your time.

 

[dadude]

Unless you have a micro penis(under 2.5” el) penis size doesn't necessarily prevent you from satisfying a girl. My dick was 4.5“ x 4.4” when I got married and I have kept my wife satisfied for over 50 years.

yea but i feel like there are diffrent levels of pleasure, some more intense than others. and i feel like the more intense forms of sexual pleasure are the ones that are coveted and desired. and i feel like small penises are physically unable to create this more intense sex that i speak of. plus her pleasure is not the only one that matters, my pleasure matters too, more so to me than hers. and i dont think theres anything wrong with a man feeling like sex with a bigger dick is more efficient, i think it makes complete sense. plus from my expirience, women are more than happy to tell you about it. and i dont think theres anything wrong with that, they should be entitled to that opinion, they cant help the way they were made, just like i cant. nature/god/the creator/whatever is completly neutral and does not care about feelings, it dosnt make any sense, animals in the wild all have really similar penises, but humans penis very so drastically, plus we have all these emotions and feelings, it feels like we were meant to suffer, like that was part of the plan all along. honestly ive started to believe im legitamately in hell. not only are things the way that they are but also people make fun of dudes with small dicks all the time, you cant get away from it, its everywhere, books, tv, the internet, people in real life, stand up comedians, you name it its present there. ive tried to get away from hearing all that junk before but its impossible unless you live in a damn cave. i feel like im missing out on the only sex that really matters, and i cant stand it. it dosnt make sense for things to be this way. its so inefficient....man, i hate to ask, but i just gotta know. does your wife own a dildo thats bigger than you?

 

[CUSP82]

Your view of relationships and sex is really messed up. Did you notice I said relationships before sex? That's cause you should build a relationship before even thinking about sex. You really should go and talk to a therapist unless you're content to be the way you are forever.

 

[dadude]

Unless you have a micro penis(under 2.5” el) penis size doesn't necessarily prevent you from satisfying a girl. My dick was 4.5“ x 4.4” when I got married and I have kept my wife satisfied for over 50 years.

the only reason i ask about the dildo thing is because my mom, did that to my step father. when i was in highschool, i was a junkie, and my step fathers, father, died of cancer and my step dad got all of his xanax and hydros he was prescribed during his cancer, before the cops got there. i found out about the pills, and when my parents were gone i would steal them. i tell you that because they kept the drugs next to the sex toys in a shoe box in their closet. and both of the dildos where probably 8x6 or so. i feel bad for him cause i know he aint any bigger than me. and i find that incredibly offensive. if a female asked me if she could have one bigger than me, id just break up with her. i deffinately dont wanna live that life. i bet if you asked any female if you could have a toy tighter than her, she throw a tantrum. to make matters worse, shes kinda racist, and shes always told me not to bring black girls home, but one of the dildos were black. like, whats up with that?

 

[dadude]

Your view of relationships and sex is really messed up. Did you notice I said relationships before sex? That's cause you should build a relationship before even thinking about sex. You really should go and talk to a therapist unless you're content to be the way you are forever.

sex is marriage to me. not all that legal stuff. but its only temporary, which i think is nice. but yes, i agree, you should build relationships before sex. i dont understand what i said that made you think otherwise, i never even talked aout relationships in any way. matter of fact that was an incredibly fun part of my last relationship, in the beggining, when we were getting to know each other sexually, it was really exciting. and i think it makes the sex better, when you get to know them like that, helps you understand what they need, and vice versa.

 

[dadude]

Your view of relationships and sex is really messed up. Did you notice I said relationships before sex? That's cause you should build a relationship before even thinking about sex. You really should go and talk to a therapist unless you're content to be the way you are forever.

if you were to try to make me see relationships the way you see them, how would you go about doing that?

 

[dadude]

the only reason i ask about the dildo thing is because my mom, did that to my step father. when i was in highschool, i was a junkie, and my step fathers, father, died of cancer and my step dad got all of his xanax and hydros he was prescribed during his cancer, before the cops got there. i found out about the pills, and when my parents were gone i would steal them. i tell you that because they kept the drugs next to the sex toys in a shoe box in their closet. and both of the dildos where probably 8x6 or so. i feel bad for him cause i know he aint any bigger than me. and i find that incredibly offensive. if a female asked me if she could have one bigger than me, id just break up with her. i deffinately dont wanna live that life. i bet if you asked any female if you could have a toy tighter than her, she throw a tantrum. to make matters worse, shes kinda racist, and shes always told me not to bring black girls home, but one of the dildos were black. like, whats up with that?

i should also note that me finding that dildo made me go onto sex store websites, to try to figure out which ones were bought the most, on lovehoney, you can use a filter to sort the dildos from most bought to least bought. my heart was broken, 8x6 at the top and my dick at the bottom. littterally the last one, even the gigantic ones, that must take hours of warming up to fit where above mine. really hurt my feelings.

 

[TheZZMan]

Life is not defined by the size of your manhood. Nor is it defined by the size of your ego or lack there of. A fulfilling life involves a clear mind, confidence and a desire to share your likes with someone else. You hesitate because of certain insecurities. But in truth, who's to say that you are not depriving someone else (who is compatable) with their fulfillment by you inaction? There most likely is somebody our there who is perfectly fine with what you call deficiencies and adores you for who you are regardless. To deny that person the opportunity to meet you because of your insecurities is a tragedy. To see and want, will only be an illusion of what may have been and what you wanted unless you act.

We all experience depression, and at the time, it is the most important mind consuming thing that haunts us 24/7. This gal you are interested in, aside from it is related to work, what is preventing a casual encounter over coffee in the break room? Small talk as you pass? Laughing at a funny meme together? Nothing other than yourself. Breathe deeply and reach out and make first contact. You've nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

[dadude]

Life is not defined by the size of your manhood. Nor is it defined by the size of your ego or lack there of. A fulfilling life involves a clear mind, confidence and a desire to share your likes with someone else. You hesitate because of certain insecurities. But in truth, who's to say that you are not depriving someone else (who is compatable) with their fulfillment by you inaction? There most likely is somebody our there who is perfectly fine with what you call deficiencies and adores you for who you are regardless. To deny that person the opportunity to meet you because of your insecurities is a tragedy. To see and want, will only be an illusion of what may have been and what you wanted unless you act.

We all experience depression, and at the time, it is the most important mind consuming thing that haunts us 24/7. This gal you are interested in, aside from it is related to work, what is preventing a casual encounter over coffee in the break room? Small talk as you pass? Laughing at a funny meme together? Nothing other than yourself. Breathe deeply and reach out and make first contact. You've nothing to lose and everything to gain.

that chick is gone off to college, not worried about her anymore. and actually i dont see it as an insecurity.more like something that has been proven to me to be true time and time again throughout my life. a pattern i noticed. i feel like there is more efficient sex, and less efficient sex. and you wouldnt want to use a screwdriver to put a nail in a wall, you would wanna use a hammer. ill put it to you this way, a therapist once told me that they think i have this wierd ability to take something, and analyze it, and figure out how to do it most efficiently. he also said, that he thinks that i like challenges, but i disagree with him on that. anyway, i feel certain without a doubt, i dont wanna have sex as i am. for i am not satisfied with the situation i have been given. if i am forced to be here, then i need x. this goes further than penis size, and control of orgasm. but we will refer to the basket of things as x. i need a certain quality of life, otherwise this is torture to me. i hate existing. this reality is not for me. i long for nothingness. but here i am, talking to you. and so, if i must be here, i need x.