Sex Drive Of Women(after children)

[majic]

Well, to you and I it's just sex. But after 8 hours at a job, having to come home, make dinner, take care of 1-2 hungry, tired, needy kids, by the time she has anytime even for herself it's pushing 7-8pm at night. Look, I'm not trying to defend the female position here, I'm merely trying to help you see the bigger picture. I was where you're at and I do know what I'm talking about and yeah bro, it's frustrating as hell. Think about it, your wife not only has your children who are young and demanding of her time, but then by the time she deals with them and gets them taken care of, she has you knockin' on her door for some nookie. So everytime she turns around, she's got someone who wants her attention or her time. Where does she get any time for herself? You might think the "tired" excuse is a huge pant load but I'm telling you man, it's not. .

But BD...these days...really....does all that work still hold true?. Women these days dont tolerate the guy putting his feet up....I have to cook too (I cook maybe 40-50% of the time)....AND my job is more demanding, and more stressful....AND I cant just bugger off on my kids either....all while averaging 5-6 hrs of sleep a day. I'm/we (as in us guys) tired too but you have to take care of whats important.

If my wife asks something of me that I can see matters to her... I will stop my world no matter how insane it may be to see if I can broker a fair middle ground and accomodate her...and you know what - I always work it out (so it can be done) thats marriage....it aint easy, it aint ideal but you have to work at it. And if you choose not to address it, then you'll have to make peace with the chance that there may be an unfavourable result.

action(or lack there of)/reaction

I'm not saying it's right and it took me a LONG ass time to wrap my head around all of this. Let me ask you this, when you and she do hit the bedroom, are you taking care of her or just your own sexual needs? ..

You wont catch me with that one....I always make sure the girl is happy when it comes to their needs...it makes for a better sexual experience.

If you feel as though you're taken for granted, then you need to tell her how you feel. ..

Not only with me but with the vast majority I guys that I know in that position....this has been tried and is almost always a dismal failure.

As for the comment about them wondering why he cheated, well, some guys want what they want when they want it and aren't willing to give time a chance or their partner a chance to take care of their needs and they go seek that somewhere else. If you respect your wife and marriage enough, that won't even be an option for you.

How do you know they havent given thime a chance? Similarly If your wife respects you and marriage enough she will make an effort to find a middle ground.

 

[frb3]

Devils Advocate

Devils Advocate

Let me play Devil's Advocate here for just a moment. Assuming as with most two paycheck families you split the chores in the evening, and assuming your jobs are of equal stress. Have you considered that she is carrying on an affair with someone at her work place. Perhaps it is not sex in general, but sex with you that is the problem. Is there someone at her place of work that she constantly talks about, male or female. A good indication would be her mother, if her mother was promiscuous, she will be also. If she has psyche problems with her father, or needs a father figure this would be another indication. Remember a women of her age is about five times as likely to have an affair as you are.

Sorry I am being Little Mr. Sunshine today.

 

[majic]

Let me play Devil's Advocate here for just a moment. Assuming as with most two paycheck families you split the chores in the evening, and assuming your jobs are of equal stress. Have you considered that she is carrying on an affair with someone at her work place. Perhaps it is not sex in general, but sex with you that is the problem..

That could certainly be a possibility...but before you act on such accusation (or even so much as lightly imply it) you have to be 100% on the facts and make sure you have all your ducks in a row

 

[frb3]

That could certainly be a possibility...but before you act on such accusation (or even so much as lightly imply it) you have to be 100% on the facts and make sure you have all your ducks in a row

When you have eliminated all of the other possibilities, the one that is left, no matter how far fetched will be the correct one. The principle of parsimony, would seem to indicate some sort of sublimation here, and the most logical one is she is having an affair, and a serious one at that. Now how are you going to prove it, good question. Match books from the NoTell Motel, probably not. They could be playing hide the wiener at work in a broom closet. Perhaps she is taking an ostensible night out with the girls, but is really getting it on in the front seat of the family car.

Short of her confessing, or hiring a private detective, there will be no way to prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt. I threw it out because in this day and age, with kids of this generation this is the most logical explanation. There are my ducks, all lined up.

 

[Waylander]

Exhaustion can be worse on her mentally rather than physically. I have two kids and they can drain your brain! Women shift gears when they have kids. They not only have the normal every day stress, but now they have to care for their childrens needs. I think its a mother thing, by instinct, they rewrite their priorities and sex moves further down the list. I can't speak for your situation, but I havent met many dads who have not complained about their sex life from time to time.

 

[not2big]

I have been married for 38 years and have 2 kids - 32 and 35. As long as the kids were at home, sex was a hit and miss experience, almost always under pressure to get it done before an interruption. I remember when the kids went away to camp for a week, things got better.

We are retired now, both in our mid-sixties and live alone together. I also have ED, but thanks to PE and Viagra we both enjoy sex at least three times a week.

The secret is to get away from stress and pressure. Kids add both. You need to get away alone and don't think about work.

 

[frb3]

Nobody hit on it so i'll add the worse case senerio. When a woman finds a new lover/mate. She can lose all desire to have sex with her old partner.

Good hit on target. My thoughts exactly.

 

[Batwoman]

Alas, chemistry also plays a role no matter how much we may wish it were otherwise. Twice in my life I lost sexual interest in my partner (different partners) while in committed long-term relationships. I did not want it that way and indeed I did not like it. I tried to rekindle the spark many times but could never make it work. Being very busy with work and kids played a role, but I honestly believe that it was more than that -- something fundamentally changed in my chemistry/hormones/emotions that made me lose the urge with him. It was not related to having an affair and I cannot explain why it happened.

 

[MrBigDick]

But BD...these days...really....does all that work still hold true?. Women these days dont tolerate the guy putting his feet up....I have to cook too (I cook maybe 40-50% of the time)....AND my job is more demanding, and more stressful....AND I cant just bugger off on my kids either....all while averaging 5-6 hrs of sleep a day. I'm/we (as in us guys) tired too but you have to take care of whats important.

If my wife asks something of me that I can see matters to her... I will stop my world no matter how insane it may be to see if I can broker a fair middle ground and accomodate her...and you know what - I always work it out (so it can be done) thats marriage....it aint easy, it aint ideal but you have to work at it. And if you choose not to address it, then you'll have to make peace with the chance that there may be an unfavourable result.

action(or lack there of)/reaction



You wont catch me with that one....I always make sure the girl is happy when it comes to their needs...it makes for a better sexual experience.



Not only with me but with the vast majority I guys that I know in that position....this has been tried and is almost always a dismal failure.



How do you know they havent given thime a chance? Similarly If your wife respects you and marriage enough she will make an effort to find a middle ground.

Ah Majic, man, I really wish I had a good answer for you. Unfortunately, I don't. You've made some valid points and arguments, none of which I argue. My ex wife was one of those "I am woman, hear me roar" types. At least she liked to think she was. When she and I were married and both working full time, I was expected to help out around the house and I did so as any good husband should. But then she had our second child and since her company was relocating out of state and she was being laid off, we decided she would become a stay at home mom for as long as we could afford it.

Even though she stayed at home all day long, I was still held responsible for doing some of the cooking, cleaning, vacuuming the house and changing the bedding on weekends. Looking back on it now, I don't think that was fair one fucking bit.........I worked my ass off and still had to come home and take an active part in the child rearing and domestic duties. Bullshit? Yeah, I'd say so. AND, our sex life SUCKED! I'm lucky I got pussy once a week, usually once every two weeks.

I'm not saying what you are experiencing isn't fair, because it's not. You should get laid as often as you want. And no, your wife is not void of responsibility here. She should acknowledge her part in this and be willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy. Her happiness is important too, don't get me wrong, but damn it, so is yours man.

And I believe someone questioned the chemistry between the two of you, I think it may have been Batwoman. That is also something to take into account.

My question now is, have you tried talking to her about how you feel and if so, what is her response to you?

 

[majic]

My question now is, have you tried talking to her about how you feel and if so, what is her response to you?

Yes I have... in a very calm and rational mannor....but it somehow ends up in a light argument. By light I mean that she gets heated but I dont.

She said that she doesnt want to feel pressured to have sex and that I should just leave her to her own devices and let her come around on her own time...

I said fine...fair enough.

weeks go by and nothing..... if we do have sex it would seem like I have to almost beg for it and if I left it up to her, years would go by until it just disappears.

Could she be getting satisfaction elsewhere? well anything is possible...but I doubt it because of the following:

A) Shes not one for going out (even though I encourage her) so I dont see where the opportunity would arise.
B) Shes very anti sex....if we are watching TV and the topic of sex comes up in whatever programing we are watching she just rolls her eyes.
C) She comes from a culture where it is quite normal to become sexless after kids ( I found this out after the fact )

 

[MrBigDick]

Yes I have... in a very calm and rational mannor....but it somehow ends up in a light argument. By light I mean that she gets heated but I dont.

She said that she doesnt want to feel pressured to have sex and that I should just leave her to her own devices and let her come around on her own time...

I said fine...fair enough.

weeks go by and nothing..... if we do have sex it would seem like I have to almost beg for it and if I left it up to her, years would go by until it just disappears.

Could she be getting satisfaction elsewhere? well anything is possible...but I doubt it because of the following:

A) Shes not one for going out (even though I encourage her) so I dont see where the opportunity would arise.
B) Shes very anti sex....if we are watching TV and the topic of sex comes up in whatever programing we are watching she just rolls her eyes.
C) She comes from a culture where it is quite normal to become sexless after kids ( I found this out after the fact )

So, basically, she views sex as a procreational thing only and that's it? Right? If her reaction is what you said it is whenever sex is brought up in a tv program or she gets pissy when you ask for it, that is a HUGE problem for you. She likely is NOT going to change bro. She is who and what she is and everytime you ask for it, you're going to get the same reaction.

Did the two of you happen to discuss sex before you got married? It's clearly an issue for you and she sounds like she's going to control the when, where, how and IF it happens. That's not healthy.

 

[Denny]

Ok well I've got some good news for those of you that have been going through this. I have talked to my wife at length about the issues with our sex life, and like many of you have said, the "exhausted" thing came up a lot. But we have made sure to keep open our communication, and let each other know how we feel, and we've made sure to go out on dates, hell we even watch a little porn together here and there. I am happy to report that with the help and suggestions I got from this site, my wife and I are back on track towards a good sex life. Still not where I would like it to be, but for now that is my compromise. I have to admit at first I was thinking that maybe she was having an affair, but I now truly believe that is not going on. Why else would she be trying? She must care. For what its worth, I would like to say to anyone who loves their wife, wants to be married for the long haul, and wants to enjoy their marriage(as you should), should ignore the guys here that have nothing good to say, and go out and give it your best shot. It will be worth it I promise you. So to those who chose to try and help, I thank you very much! Your help will always be appreciated!
Denny

 

[Denny]

I just wanted to add another thought: You have to remember that you are two very different people that have very different needs, and as such make sure that you are hearing what your wife needs from you. So go out and make your life together better! I hope the ones here feeling the same pain I was (past tense I hope), will give their marriage a shot.

 

[majic]

So, basically, she views sex as a procreational thing only and that's it? Right? If her reaction is what you said it is whenever sex is brought up in a tv program or she gets pissy when you ask for it, that is a HUGE problem for you. She likely is NOT going to change bro. She is who and what she is and everytime you ask for it, you're going to get the same reaction..

Brother I made peace with this a dogs age ago....I have my ways of dealing with it.....you gotta cope right

Did the two of you happen to discuss sex before you got married?

did we discuss sex ? no ...like any other couple, why would you have to discuss it? You're getting mind blowing sex on the regular, why on earth would that change right? ( boy was I short sighted)

To the guys that are married...heed this thread. I'm not saying dont do it but this is the sobering side that nobody brings up.

 

[MrBigDick]

Brother I made peace with this a dogs age ago....I have my ways of dealing with it.....you gotta cope right



did we discuss sex ? no ...like any other couple, why would you have to discuss it? You're getting mind blowing sex on the regular, why on earth would that change right? ( boy was I short sighted)

To the guys that are married...heed this thread. I'm not saying dont do it but this is the sobering side that nobody brings up.

I hear what you are saying here majic but I have to admit, a marriage takes two people to make it work. If one partner in the marriage isn't happy with a certain aspect of what's going on, the other party has a moral obligation (imo) to listen to the party that has the grievance and offer up some suggestions on how to improve it. Having a marriage where one partner controls EVERYTHING including the sex is very fucked up. I know because I was there. And I also know from that experience as well as my years as a divorced man, I will never allow myself to be put in that kind of a relationship again. If there's no give and take and she insists on being a control freak, then I'm gone.

I also learned from these past several years I've been a divorced father of two, you can't change anybody nor can you enter a marriage thinking or hoping that the person you were saying "I do" to was going to somehow mystically change into the person you wanted them to be. No majic, I'm not saying you did this, I'm just merely stating some of the things I've learned. I think this is why the divorce rate is so high in this country. People get married without discussing crucial things like money, morals/values and sex. They just do it thinking they'll work these things out later. It just doesn't work that way, especially if one of the partners in the relationship isn't willing to give an inch. This is why many people don't figure out who they are and what makes them truly happy or what they need out of a relationship/marriage until later in life.

My belief system states that life is too short to be miserable. You, majic, have every right to be just as happy as your wife is. If your sex life isn't making you happy, that's a legitimate beef that your wife, again imo, has a moral obligation to you as your husband to hear you out and try and help make it better. Her telling you to leave her alone about it and she comes around when she comes around............that's a very controlling mindset and I know because I was married to a control freak and just recently broke up with one. You are entitled to your feelings on this majic and instead of dismissing your feelings, she should be validating your feelings (a lesson I learned from my last relationship).

Anyway man, I hope this helps. I'm not sure what else I can tell you. You have a legitimate concern that your wife isn't willing to listen to. I'm sure I've asked this before but is your wife willing to go to some couples counseling? I ask because this is clearly an issue for you and it isn't going to go away on it's own.

 

[majic]

I hear what you are saying here majic but I have to admit, a marriage takes two people to make it work. If one partner in the marriage isn't happy with a certain aspect of what's going on, the other party has a moral obligation (imo) to listen to the party that has the grievance and offer up some suggestions on how to improve it. Having a marriage where one partner controls EVERYTHING including the sex is very fucked up. I know because I was there. And I also know from that experience as well as my years as a divorced man, I will never allow myself to be put in that kind of a relationship again. If there's no give and take and she insists on being a control freak, then I'm gone.

I also learned from these past several years I've been a divorced father of two, you can't change anybody nor can you enter a marriage thinking or hoping that the person you were saying "I do" to was going to somehow mystically change into the person you wanted them to be. No majic, I'm not saying you did this, I'm just merely stating some of the things I've learned. I think this is why the divorce rate is so high in this country. People get married without discussing crucial things like money, morals/values and sex. They just do it thinking they'll work these things out later. It just doesn't work that way, especially if one of the partners in the relationship isn't willing to give an inch. This is why many people don't figure out who they are and what makes them truly happy or what they need out of a relationship/marriage until later in life.

My belief system states that life is too short to be miserable. You, majic, have every right to be just as happy as your wife is. If your sex life isn't making you happy, that's a legitimate beef that your wife, again imo, has a moral obligation to you as your husband to hear you out and try and help make it better. Her telling you to leave her alone about it and she comes around when she comes around............that's a very controlling mindset and I know because I was married to a control freak and just recently broke up with one. You are entitled to your feelings on this majic and instead of dismissing your feelings, she should be validating your feelings (a lesson I learned from my last relationship).

Anyway man, I hope this helps. I'm not sure what else I can tell you. You have a legitimate concern that your wife isn't willing to listen to. I'm sure I've asked this before but is your wife willing to go to some couples counseling? I ask because this is clearly an issue for you and it isn't going to go away on it's own.

Thanks man.... so to sum it up...I'm fucked.... I knew this.

I havent considered marriage counselling.... I really dont know how to properly bring that up.

 

[MrBigDick]

Thanks man.... so to sum it up...I'm fucked.... I knew this.

I havent considered marriage counselling.... I really dont know how to properly bring that up.

No, you're not fucked...........if I understand correctly, you aren't getting any? lol Sorry man, just trying to liven things up with a little humor.

Look, YOU have a legitimate concern and it's not going to go away. If you try and suppress your feelings and just roll with it, you're going to become very, very resentful towards her. Maybe your wife doesn't know how serious this situation is or how important it is to you? Or she does and she just figures sex will be on her terms, not yours and that's the way it's going to be. Whatever the case is brother, you have to ultimately ask yourself majic is something you can live with? I know I sure as fuck couldn't and wouldn't. Life is short majic.

 

[majic]

No, you're not fucked...........if I understand correctly, you aren't getting any? lol Sorry man, just trying to liven things up with a little humor. .

lol funny

Whatever the case is brother, you have to ultimately ask yourself majic is something you can live with? I know I sure as fuck couldn't and wouldn't. Life is short majic.

A lack of sex isnt something I can live with....I have a temporary solution....its not ideal but it gets me by

 

[MrBigDick]

lol funny



A lack of sex isnt something I can live with....I have a temporary solution....its not ideal but it gets me by

Hmmm, a temporary solution?? Well, let's see, I presume that your talking about your right hand OR a blow up doll?? My right hand gets me by but I'm sans girlfriend at the moment............a temporary problem that WILL be rectified by this summer.

 

[majic]

Hmmm, a temporary solution?? Well, let's see, I presume that your talking about your right hand OR a blow up doll?? My right hand gets me by but I'm sans girlfriend at the moment............a temporary problem that WILL be rectified by this summer.

niether......well, my right hand sometimes