Real Men Feel: Ep. 187, Emotions and Sex: Interview with Big Al

Real Men Feel: Ep. 187, Emotions and Sex

May 19, 2020
This article is a repost which originally appeared on Real Men Feel

Emotions and Sex Episode 187, May 19, 2020

Author and coach, AJ “Big Al” Alfaro, visits to discuss that many men attempt to divorce their emotions from sex, thinking that will improve their sex life. In actuality, integrating emotions and sex will lead to the best experience for you and your partner.

“The simple fact of the matter is that the best lovemaking you’re ever going to have is when you allow yourself to become emotionally unencumbered.” ~ AJ “Big Al” Alfaro

AJ “Big Al” Alfaro is a recognized leader in the male enhancement industry. For more than 20 years, he’s helped men in an area where they are often uncomfortable seeking help. He has excellent insight into what he calls “the dark side of male enhancement,” the notion of sexual conquest, and attempting to remove emotions from the equation entirely.

Men need to realize they are more than their penis and that emotions are part of being human. Years of being focused solely on bedding more women leads to a lack of fulfillment and sadness for most people. It takes courage to be willing to feel, and personal growth comes from being open to the possibility of failure.

Attempting to hide or remove emotions from anything, ensures there are deeper underlying issues. There really are no positive or negative emotions, as they all give us information and feedback.

Topics and Questions Include:

    • (1:40) How are things going for you through the pandemic?
    • (3:37) The importance of emotions in sex.
    • (7:28) Attempting to remove emotions from anything always ends up hiding some harrowing emotional issues.
    • (9:00) It takes courage to feel.
    • (10:37) Is the game of sexual conquest just a phase, or are some guys truly satisfied by that?
    • (12:24) In the men you’ve talked to, has there been an experience where their vulnerability was met harshly?
    • (15:51) Wanting to have sex with everyone.
    • (16:35) Valuing yourself.
    • (18:47) What is the reaction to sharing this with younger men?
    • (19:44) Teaching self-mastery.
    • (24:27) What goes into the programming of men to have sex as much as they can?
    • (25:57) What leads to a man realizing this isn’t working for them?
    • (27:47) What is the path after realizing the sexual conquest game isn’t working for you?
    • (29:10) The flip side: what women think when a man doesn’t want to go to bed with them immediately.
    • (30:55) Men discovering they aren’t happy.
    • (34:36) The opportunity to get honest about what’s important to you that the pandemic offers people.
    • (38:04) Things to be learned at our low points.
    • (40:18) Be willing to ask; what am I afraid of?
    • (43:56) All emotions serve us.
    • (45:51) How do you respond to guys who’ve given up?
    • (51:25) The power of candid conversations.
    • (52:42) Where to connect with Al.

“Emotions define our experience and teach us, but we don’t have to be a slave to them.” ~ AJ “Big Al” Alfaro

 

Lessons in Manliness: Viktor Frankl

Lessons in Manliness: Viktor Frankl

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Cory Edwards. Cory is a professional musician and songwriter. He lives with his wife and two children in St. Louis, MO.

This article is a repost which originally appeared on the Art Of Manliness

Viktor Frankl (1905-1997) was a psychotherapist and brain surgeon who specialized in treating depression, especially for those prone to suicide. Being a Jew in Nazi Germany, he was sent to Auschwitz where he was reduced to nothing but his “naked existence.” As he entered the camp, they took the last of his belongings, including his clothes, his wedding ring, and the manuscript of a book he was writing. Then, every inch of his body was shaved as he was escorted into a shower room. His only consolation was that real water dripped from the shower heads instead of gas.

Frankl was a studious man who didn’t get a lot of physical exercise in life. One of his fellow prisoners said Frankl was the least likely to survive the torturous regimen in store for him. But by leaning on his rich inner life and helping other prisoners, along with some strokes of good luck, he lived to tell the tale. His story is a lesson in manliness for times of suffering, whether that suffering is small or great.

Have a sense of purpose. Frankl kept himself alive by developing a purpose: to keep other prisoners from committing suicide. He did so by helping them to achieve their own sense of purpose. He would encourage one man that he had to survive in order to return to a daughter that was safe in a foreign country. He would encourage another, who had no living relatives left, that he must return to his profession to complete the work he had begun.

In addition, part of his sense of purpose was to suffer well. He wrote, “It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those being questioned by life – daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.”

Develop a rich inner life. The man in the concentration camp who had a strong mind would often prove to be the stronger prisoner. These were men who could appreciate, on a cold march in the snow, the beauty of the mountains, the forest, or the sunrise. They kept their minds active by composing speeches, reconstructing lost manuscripts, and imagining life after imprisonment. They had prayer meetings to keep a strong connection to their religious beliefs.

Frankl said, “Sensitive people who were used to a rich intellectual life may have suffered much pain (they were often of a delicate constitution), but the damage to their inner selves was less. They were able to retreat from their terrible surroundings to a life of inner riches and spiritual freedom.”

Develop a fervent love for your wife. For those who were married and truly in love with their wives, an extra source of strength was available to them. This was not a place where mere sexual fantasy could relieve a man from suffering (the sexual drive was mostly dead for the underfed and overworked prisoners). However, thinking of his wife – her features, her voice, and little incidents from their life together – a man found considerable strength for endurance. Frankl found this to be the case whether the wife was alive or dead. He often thought of the words of Solomon: “For love is strong as death.”

Frankl wrote, “I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way – an honorable way – in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of his beloved, achieve fulfillment.”

Choose your attitude. Frankl wrote, “The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.” This does not mean to think rainbows on a cloudy day, though it can. It can mean choosing indignation over coldness, joy over sorrow, strength over weakness, hope over despair. No man’s behavior is dictated solely by circumstance. His behavior can be directed by choice – the choice every living man has.

Viktor Frankl’s story can be found in Man’s Search for Meaning, a book about the psychotherapeutic ideas that he honed while in concentration camps. It is recommended reading for any man, showing the depths to which one can sink and the heights to which one can rise in the middle of the most horrific suffering imaginable.