Religious Split

[RIB2211]

So I'll put the background story as quick as possible. I have always cared about this girl I dated in high school. She is Mormon (LDS). We were together for a year, then she went to school out in Utah so we broke up. But we always still really, really cared about each other. Every time we were home, we were together...like we were dating again. I've visited her out in Utah twice, once my freshman year of college and the last time was about three weeks ago. She moved back to my home state (I go to school about two hours away) and we were both under the impression that we were finally getting back together.

Flash forward to today, and we have barely talked in the past two weeks. This is my fault, since 1) I hate talking on the phone and 2) I'm not a big talker to begin with, so I think everything is great between us. I catch wind from my sister that she (my Mormon girl) is mad at me cause we are not talking so much, so I call her up and we discuss the situation....this is where the real problem arises. All of a sudden, she is saying how much she cares about me but if I don't fully understand her, she can't be with me. According to her, to fully understand her, I need to understand her Mormon religion. Apparently, the only way to do that is to go to church with her every Sunday, though she said that I would not have to convert.

I told her I couldn't do that. We said we would talk again tomorrow. As of right now I don't know what to think. I care so much about her, but to sit in on a religious service that I am not a part of every Sunday...I just can't do it. I'm crushed.

EDIT: sorry for the misspelled thread title.

 

[NP97]

Have you tried going to the service? I am Roman Catholic and would usually just use that time to nap to hymns and such. Pissed off the family, but still.

Hard for some people to do one thing or another when it comes to religion. You can only try and reason with people so much... they eventually just stop listening.

It's either going to work out or not. Get stuck going to church or don't date her. One or the other, and it's up to you to figure out what's more important to you.

 

[RIB2211]

Now see if this was going to a catholic church or something, I'd be fine with it. But the Mormon religion also preaches out of a different book (Book of Mormon), which they consider another testament in the life of Jesus. I don't believe in that book. So to me, sitting in her church services would be a very hypocritical and uncomfortable thing to do.

 

[NP97]

I understand that. I know of the Book of Mormon.
Try and think of it this way, rather than believe in the teachings of the church, try and think of what the message is.
Being a Catholic I don't go to church because I hate it. I hate the church. I still consider myself very religious in the teachings of Jesus. Love thy brother, etc.... maybe thinking of it in that way with the Mormon church would help you be able to tolerate the masses...

By the way, I fixed the title for you.

 

[burt]

I don't date holy rollers. I've been asked to go to church with women I've dated, and told them flat out "no''. Church is not for me and I will not go. I know some Mormons and they seem to be fanatics to me. Sorry, but I doubt things are going to work out for you and your friend. I've seen religion really divide people which is a big reason I don't care for it.

 

[hsarge]

Once she changes 1 thing, she'll go on to a second. Make sure she wants you and not what she thinks she can make you. If religion is not the focal point of your life, she's going to try to make it so. Very rarely do strict religious people become more tolerant. Things that she may tolerate now, that don't fit into her religious perspective, she will put pressure on you to change in the future. If she is completely absorbed by her religion, she will not be content until you think exactly the same. Be very careful

 

[Batwoman]

Once she changes 1 thing, she'll go on to a second. Make sure she wants you and not what she thinks she can make you. If religion is not the focal point of your life, she's going to try to make it so. Very rarely do strict religious people become more tolerant. Things that she may tolerate now, that don't fit into her religious perspective, she will put pressure on you to change in the future. If she is completely absorbed by her religion, she will not be content until you think exactly the same. Be very careful

I have to agree with this. She clearly cares for you, but I think her religion comes first for her and she is unlikely to ever be satisfied unless you convert. In the short term, maybe. But all the signals she has sent you for a long time (and I remember many of your earlier posts about this girl) suggest that she is not going to compromise.

 

[Leviathan]

I agree with Batwoman & hsarge.

When you are religious, that usually is what comes first in your life. If her faith is that important to her [ which it sounds like it is ] there will be conflict down the road, even if you do attend on Sundays. [ the way I see it, she wants you to attend & is hoping you'll get "inspired" enough to convert without her having to lay out an ultimatum, ie: convert or you can't have me. ]

Unless you're thinking about converting to Mormon, I would try not to get too serious with her. Personally, I'm pretty religious [ not Mormon ] & knew I couldn't be with someone other than my own faith, so I just didn't bother to date guys who had no interest in it. It's easier to avoid inevitable heartbreak if you don't get that invested with it to begin with.

Not that she's "wrong" for being a "religious" person, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

 

[Pegasus]

I dated a number of religous girls when I was young and advise the as Bw does.

 

[Dash-5]

Be very careful bro. From the sounds of things, you really care for this girl, and have for quite some time. This is not going to be easy. You may want to reconsider your position about her faith, that is, could you find yourself embracing it? Be very honest with yourself about it. If the answer is no, well, then I think you owe it not just to yourself, but also to her, to end this.

Think about it: Where does this go if you continue it? Marriage/children? How will you feel when you've got a handful of beautiful children and she tells you she wants a divorce because she can't reconcile herself to the differences in your faiths? What religion do the kids get? I've known of mixed religion couples who said they will share both religions with their children and then let them decide. This probably just results in stress and confusion for the kids. Would her church enthusiastically support two religions for the kids? Also, church is more than just a Sunday session, there are social networks and events, picnics, weddings, births, graduations, etc. Let's say you two go forward with this, and then the pressure increases for you to convert. When you make it clear that you won't, then the social pressure get's ratcheted up. You go to a church event, and maybe you're treated as a second class, or non-person. Because you refuse to fit in. Then people put pressure on her about why you aren't converting. She then gets to bring this stress back home to share with you. OMG. Think about it. It's your life.

 

[RIB2211]

Thanks guys. This is really hard for me, I've always felt like she was the one I would be with. But this religion issue has always been brushed under the rug until now...and now that it is out in the open, I see why we put it off for so long...it pretty much is going to end it. I know I will never find a woman as kind and caring as her (this was why I was so attracted to her), but I can't bring myself to completely change my religion for her, which I know she will want in the end.

Think about it: Where does this go if you continue it? Marriage/children? How will you feel when you've got a handful of beautiful children and she tells you she wants a divorce because she can't reconcile herself to the differences in your faiths? What religion do the kids get? I've known of mixed religion couples who said they will share both religions with their children and then let them decide. This probably just results in stress and confusion for the kids. Would her church enthusiastically support two religions for the kids? Also, church is more than just a Sunday session, there are social networks and events, picnics, weddings, births, graduations, etc. Let's say you two go forward with this, and then the pressure increases for you to convert. When you make it clear that you won't, then the social pressure get's ratcheted up. You go to a church event, and maybe you're treated as a second class, or non-person. Because you refuse to fit in. Then people put pressure on her about why you aren't converting. She then gets to bring this stress back home to share with you. OMG. Think about it. It's your life.

You hit the nail on the head there man...I've been thinking about this stuff and burying it in my mind for years...

 

[eompow]

In matters of faith both persons need to be on the same page. Otherwise pain and suffering will follow for one or both of the parties. Sounds like she is rooted and grounded in her faith and you like wise are. If mutual ground can not be found then walk away and save both of you hurt beyond what you may even imagine. Love at time knows when to walk and when to sacrifice.

Praying for the best possible out come, what ever that may be.

 

[Dash-5]

I know I will never find a woman as kind and caring as her

Don't be so sure about this. I know I've wondered the same thing in the (distant) past, and proved myself wrong. The caring women far outnumber the others.

 

[RIB2211]

After another talk, she said that it's already breaking her heart not to have me in the church with her and it would only get worse for her, so we went our separate ways. Hopefully we remain close but I'm pretty bitter about this right now so I'm not sure.

For a religion that tries so hard to announce to the world that they are in fact a part of the christian faith, the mormon religion sure is exclusive and blocks off the other practitioners of christianity. Really dumb if you ask me. It's like they want the Christian faith community to acknowledge them more, but at the same time they want to remain cut-off by not allowing people into their temple and constantly pressuring people to convert.

Sorry, just needed to vent.

 

[Flanker6]

After another talk, she said that it's already breaking her heart not to have me in the church with her and it would only get worse for her, so we went our separate ways. Hopefully we remain close but I'm pretty bitter about this right now so I'm not sure.

For a religion that tries so hard to announce to the world that they are in fact a part of the christian faith, the mormon religion sure is exclusive and blocks off the other practitioners of christianity. Really dumb if you ask me. It's like they want the Christian faith community to acknowledge them more, but at the same time they want to remain cut-off by not allowing people into their temple and constantly pressuring people to convert.

Sorry, just needed to vent.

It's ironic because Mormonism by its teachings is not exclusive at all. I mean they even believe that 99% of people are going to some form of Heaven. Its a shame when people associate religion with worth. This is precisely why I never mentioned I was an atheist to my ex. I knew she would think less of me, and religion is definitely not worth losing someone you care about.
I'm sorry it had to be this way RIB. I really am. One day you'll find someone that's ready to accept you completely and THAT will truly be the "one."

 

[CUSP82]

You have done wise to break it off. She loves her religion.Yes she may love you but she loves her religion more. It's funny but if you asked her who does she love more, you or God ( a stupid question indeed) she would of course say God. SHE LOVES HER RELGION but sadly God is not a religion!!. Some might say to her that her religion and God are the same thing;faulty logic.God is not Mormon,Catholic, Jewish or any religion. He existed before religion ever existed and last I heard he hadn't converted to any of them.I have never heard from God that he favored one religion over another; it is men who say that. I am a church going Catholic and my only insistence on the person I married is that she be a good person. I would never force my religous views on anyone. God loves all good people no matter what religion they were either born into or decided to become! I would never put my wife before God but I would put my wife before my religion but I would never give up my religion.Paradoxical but I hope understandable.
As for the only girl you'll meet like this, I'm sure that God has created millions of girls just as pretty, caring, kind, wonderful etc and you will find one or just maybe He'll find one for you.

 

[Batwoman]

Well said, Cusp.

 

[Batwoman]

I think it's a really sad thing when religion causes people who are otherwise well-matched to part ways. But it is MUCH better to realize that this relationship was not going to work now, rather than later when marriage and children might have been involved.
Our hearts are with you, good luck in moving forward.

 

[CUSP82]

No BW, I just reiterated on what you said before. You're the best!

 

[RIB2211]

Thanks again guys. I'm going to do my best to move on. Great to have a community of good people here to help out.