I'm sorry for my long absence.
I haven't measured since the last day noted in my journal some three or four months ago. According to my gains I was getting larger. However my EQ was getting worse and worse. "What's the point in having something if you cannot use it?" I sought advice from several moderators and veterans, and the response was conclusive: Take a break from everything PE related for at least a month and see if that improves things. Some suspected I would lose size. Some thought I would increase in size. Well, I haven't been gone for just one month. Following the advice I decided to temporary take a savatical for a month and see what happened. While not doing research into products and techniques, and not patrolling the forum for most of the day, for a moment I looked inside of myself.
I discovered this when I was sturgeon fishing in Astoria, Oregon with my old man and some of his friends in June.
I was making PE my life instead of just a part of it. And it easily became unhealthy, because of my obsessive nature. I would preach things to people that were true however, as a hypocrite did not practice the lesson. I have never lied about my reason for doing PE nor have I misinformed a member. But I knew constantly that the doubt was going to keep the doubt alive and fretting over my appendage was not going to help.
Since that terrifying fraction of realization, that split-second I removed my hands from my face and looked, I quickly closed my eyes and covered them up again. I hid from that sight for a long time after that and decided to try to conceal the window with many things. Distractions are simple. All you have to do is keep yourself busy. And as long as you keep that mind occupied until you're so exhausted, that you would fall asleep before you even hit the floor or bed, you won't have to worry about being in front of that window while you try to fall asleep for an hour. Or three.
So that's how I continued to remain. Pretending that everything was FINE--think about what fine stands for in The Italian Job (yes that was a double meaning I supplied)--working so hard to conceal myself from the window, but also hide that window from those who I care for. Once a mask is worn for so long it's difficult to tell that it's a front at all, let alone take it off. But those who know you so well, know the difference. Thanks to my brother I finally gazed through the window.
It's hard to describe or even put to words what I saw or how I felt. I'll try though. Some religions believe in a place that is neither Heaven, nor Hell, nor Purgatory. Think of it as Heaven being the reward. Hell the punishment. And Purgatory the timeout before the reward. And I'm currently following the colloquial definition of limbo. I cannot progress before I find that wrench that's jammed in the engine. Or the clock will not work while one of the gears isn't functioning properly. Neither of these scenarios qualify. It's more like I'm working on a house. And during construction of the second floor, it's revealed that there's a problem with the first floor and the ground level. So the second and first floor need to be demolished so that the changes can be made.
In a way, using a creative angle to convey how I feel makes it easier to do so. Instead of it being me who I am talking about. It could just be some person. It's my process.
All analogies and metaphors aside. I truly missed the Gym. Not doing anything PE related was incredibly difficult. As most that know me realize, my obsessive-dedication is my greatest strength just as much as it is my weakness. Since that last note, I have not kegeled, stretched, or done anything aside from recreational use. I failed to remember that this is not a fix all for my life. First I need to fix my life before I can fix anything else. That's what I've been doing since I've left.
There are those of you on here who can make your lives better by increasing your size, your confidence, your overall sex life, and from that, your life. But there are those who say that if they cannot get bigger they will kill themselves, and you obsess time and time again, and get worse. When in actuality there's an underlying issue for why you really believe that changing your size will solve all your problems. They won't. My reasons for doing PE and changing my size have not changed. I'm confident that no one has the same reason I do. Because of my name. If my name were something else, than I wouldn't care. But because of who I am due to my name, my personality. It's only fitting to live up to it.
I don't know when I will return. My mantra of the year is: seeking self. So that's what I'm going to be doing. Be it volunteering without any internet or electricity, going on month-long hiking trips. Or just traveling. I plan on starting PE up again beginning August, but I am not going to note my exercises in my log.
I want the opportunity to help those who can be helped. Be it advice for how to make yourself larger. Or realize that
"You don't need to make yourself larger to be larger."
-L
I haven't measured since the last day noted in my journal some three or four months ago. According to my gains I was getting larger. However my EQ was getting worse and worse. "What's the point in having something if you cannot use it?" I sought advice from several moderators and veterans, and the response was conclusive: Take a break from everything PE related for at least a month and see if that improves things. Some suspected I would lose size. Some thought I would increase in size. Well, I haven't been gone for just one month. Following the advice I decided to temporary take a savatical for a month and see what happened. While not doing research into products and techniques, and not patrolling the forum for most of the day, for a moment I looked inside of myself.
I discovered this when I was sturgeon fishing in Astoria, Oregon with my old man and some of his friends in June.
I was making PE my life instead of just a part of it. And it easily became unhealthy, because of my obsessive nature. I would preach things to people that were true however, as a hypocrite did not practice the lesson. I have never lied about my reason for doing PE nor have I misinformed a member. But I knew constantly that the doubt was going to keep the doubt alive and fretting over my appendage was not going to help.
Since that terrifying fraction of realization, that split-second I removed my hands from my face and looked, I quickly closed my eyes and covered them up again. I hid from that sight for a long time after that and decided to try to conceal the window with many things. Distractions are simple. All you have to do is keep yourself busy. And as long as you keep that mind occupied until you're so exhausted, that you would fall asleep before you even hit the floor or bed, you won't have to worry about being in front of that window while you try to fall asleep for an hour. Or three.
So that's how I continued to remain. Pretending that everything was FINE--think about what fine stands for in The Italian Job (yes that was a double meaning I supplied)--working so hard to conceal myself from the window, but also hide that window from those who I care for. Once a mask is worn for so long it's difficult to tell that it's a front at all, let alone take it off. But those who know you so well, know the difference. Thanks to my brother I finally gazed through the window.
It's hard to describe or even put to words what I saw or how I felt. I'll try though. Some religions believe in a place that is neither Heaven, nor Hell, nor Purgatory. Think of it as Heaven being the reward. Hell the punishment. And Purgatory the timeout before the reward. And I'm currently following the colloquial definition of limbo. I cannot progress before I find that wrench that's jammed in the engine. Or the clock will not work while one of the gears isn't functioning properly. Neither of these scenarios qualify. It's more like I'm working on a house. And during construction of the second floor, it's revealed that there's a problem with the first floor and the ground level. So the second and first floor need to be demolished so that the changes can be made.
In a way, using a creative angle to convey how I feel makes it easier to do so. Instead of it being me who I am talking about. It could just be some person. It's my process.
All analogies and metaphors aside. I truly missed the Gym. Not doing anything PE related was incredibly difficult. As most that know me realize, my obsessive-dedication is my greatest strength just as much as it is my weakness. Since that last note, I have not kegeled, stretched, or done anything aside from recreational use. I failed to remember that this is not a fix all for my life. First I need to fix my life before I can fix anything else. That's what I've been doing since I've left.
There are those of you on here who can make your lives better by increasing your size, your confidence, your overall sex life, and from that, your life. But there are those who say that if they cannot get bigger they will kill themselves, and you obsess time and time again, and get worse. When in actuality there's an underlying issue for why you really believe that changing your size will solve all your problems. They won't. My reasons for doing PE and changing my size have not changed. I'm confident that no one has the same reason I do. Because of my name. If my name were something else, than I wouldn't care. But because of who I am due to my name, my personality. It's only fitting to live up to it.
I don't know when I will return. My mantra of the year is: seeking self. So that's what I'm going to be doing. Be it volunteering without any internet or electricity, going on month-long hiking trips. Or just traveling. I plan on starting PE up again beginning August, but I am not going to note my exercises in my log.
I want the opportunity to help those who can be helped. Be it advice for how to make yourself larger. Or realize that
"You don't need to make yourself larger to be larger."
-L
