Man this thread is depressing as hell...makes me NEVER wanna get married. If my woman retracted from me in disgust I don't know if I would ever be able to gt an erection for her again. I would just tell her that you NEED to have sex and if its not with her then its with someone else. Then once she realizes you could be done with her she might open up and tell you whats really going on.
Need some thoughts about Cheating
- Thread starter Bohning
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Are you sure she's not cheating on you? People who are or were sexual generally don't just turn it off...
Batwoman
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Not true. This is a common problem that develops in long-term relationships and marriages, and it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with her having another man. See these threads:
https://www.pegym.com/forums/relationship-forum/21427-fml-sexless-marriage.html
https://www.pegym.com/forums/womans-perspective/16978-we-used-do-like-rabbits-but-10yrs-later.html
Isn't it amazing about the amount of speculation, rumors, innuendo's, cry's of " I never want to get married", etc etc etc! Remember all of us, and this is not to diss or start an argument but we have heard one side and only one side of the story. Cheating is wrong plain and simple( unless it's me that's cheating and I don't get caught). Our answers should be in regards to the question. Let's not give this guy good reasons to cheat or to disslove a marriage without hearing the other side!
Normally Just a couple of times a week they are both really big into the Church they go to. They go on Wednesday night and they both have the kids with them and then they are together on Sunday again with the kids and maybe lunch after. They text each other quite often and a shopping trip from time to time but I really don't think she is doing anything off color. She is to good a person for it. Either way. I just think she has gotten caught up to much in being a mother or just lost interest but its wearing on me.
I have the just because the kitchen is closed doesn't mean I am gonna starve to death attitude but I will probably never act on it. I have a 100% sure thing offer and have had for several years and I turn it down regularly and try to keep myself out of the situation of even having it offered because it sure is tempting sometimes.
After reading some of the links BatWoman posted I see I am far from being in the boat alone. I have heard form several of my older friends that the older you get the less important sex is and I know its not near as important to me now as it was when I was a teen so maybe if I make it a couple more years it won't be that big of a deal to me anyway.
As far as the comment about being scared to get married, remember everyone is different. Marriage is what two people make out of it. It can be a great thing don't miss out on something just because it does not work for everyone. Don't get me wrong I love my wife. I would not trade my kids for anything marriage has given me some happy times. I really only have one issue right now. I guess in a way I am lucky for that to be my only problem.
I think you'll find that is far from BW's original intention is linking that post if you read the threads carefully and view her responses.
It's a myth that the older you get, the less interested in sex you are. I can't diagnose what's wrong with your relationship. But the idea that sex won't be as important to you in a few years is just wrong.
You only live one life and you gotta be happy living it.
-Steve
A couple of things come to mind for me.
I'll have been married 10 years in June. We lived together for a year before getting married also.
*************THIS MY PERSONAL OPINION AND IN NO WAY MEANS FOR THE OP OR ANYONE ELSE TO DO EXACTLY AS I SAY*********
Have you and your wife sat down and had a heart to heart? Like let it ALL out, no matter if it hurts feelings. What worked for us was asking each other what needed to be changed on our behalf.
A lot of people may laugh at this, but my wife and I got into swinging about a year ago. Our sex life has been better in the last year than it was in 9 put together. We currently swing with two other stable, long term couples. Again it is just a thought, because we had gotten to where our sex life was pretty dull, it started improving right after the first swap.
How often do you get rid of the kids for a weekend? Maybe see if the kids can stay with a family member for a weekend, and then surprise your wife by taking her a couple of hours out of town to stay in a nice hotel somewhere. Take no phone calls unless it is about the kids, don't watch any TV, don't be texting everyone in the world. Make it about you and her only. Take her to a romantic dinner.
Kids play a big part in a couples happiness, don't get me wrong my wife and I love our kids more than anything. I would gladly lay down and die for my kid's sake any day, time, or place. BUT sometimes a couple needs a healthy break from their kids. I can only shed mine about 1 weekend a month, and that is doing good. Usually it is 1 weekend every 2 months.
Get a counselor, see if it helps. She may not fully grasp the fact that you are unhappy. To me in a marriage all the feelings should be out in the open all the time, versus holding it in until you can't take it anymore. She may just be in a boring old routine. Same thing everyday, my wife got like that and we had to break that dullness.
I know one of your main problems is lack of sex, but for my wife. All these things take effect on her sex drive.
She may cheating, I hate to put it bluntly. But from what I have read I don't think she is.
I'll have been married 10 years in June. We lived together for a year before getting married also.
*************THIS MY PERSONAL OPINION AND IN NO WAY MEANS FOR THE OP OR ANYONE ELSE TO DO EXACTLY AS I SAY*********
Have you and your wife sat down and had a heart to heart? Like let it ALL out, no matter if it hurts feelings. What worked for us was asking each other what needed to be changed on our behalf.
A lot of people may laugh at this, but my wife and I got into swinging about a year ago. Our sex life has been better in the last year than it was in 9 put together. We currently swing with two other stable, long term couples. Again it is just a thought, because we had gotten to where our sex life was pretty dull, it started improving right after the first swap.
How often do you get rid of the kids for a weekend? Maybe see if the kids can stay with a family member for a weekend, and then surprise your wife by taking her a couple of hours out of town to stay in a nice hotel somewhere. Take no phone calls unless it is about the kids, don't watch any TV, don't be texting everyone in the world. Make it about you and her only. Take her to a romantic dinner.
Kids play a big part in a couples happiness, don't get me wrong my wife and I love our kids more than anything. I would gladly lay down and die for my kid's sake any day, time, or place. BUT sometimes a couple needs a healthy break from their kids. I can only shed mine about 1 weekend a month, and that is doing good. Usually it is 1 weekend every 2 months.
Get a counselor, see if it helps. She may not fully grasp the fact that you are unhappy. To me in a marriage all the feelings should be out in the open all the time, versus holding it in until you can't take it anymore. She may just be in a boring old routine. Same thing everyday, my wife got like that and we had to break that dullness.
I know one of your main problems is lack of sex, but for my wife. All these things take effect on her sex drive.
She may cheating, I hate to put it bluntly. But from what I have read I don't think she is.
I am currently going through same situation. But mine is ending in divorce. I plan on paying the child support, and moving on in life. It was actually my wife that brought this up. But my situation is very similar to yours. Be careful on what you do. My wife had no interest in me sexually in the last year or so. Avoided the topic or practice all together. Im not sure if she was cheating on me, she claims not to be. But none the less thats were my story is now. Im buying house, to hold my 3 kids, and joint custody, and of course she wants the weekends. But thats fine with me. I want to spend as much time with my kids as possible.
Now see, the difference in those situations was in the first one, the guy's wife was depressed. Her depression can cause issues with her sex drive. She doesn't go out which aids in her loneliness and while they stopped for a while, they still have it occassionally. IN the second thread, they were sexing quite often, then it reduced. not as dramatically as the first one and it looks as though they still try to make time at least twice a week.
That's all together normal...
What's not normal is this guys situation. This is still frightening to me. I know there's a little pink pill they're trying to develop for a woman's libido, but to be completely contemptuous towards sex and be selfish about it is all together uncool to me. Sex isn't everything, but it's a big part. My mind analyzes situations way too much and again, if she's been sexual with him before, and then she's not... but her attitude hasn't changed one bit and, infact, has gotten even MORE agreeable, something has started to go "right" in her life. If there's no communication there, there could be something up. Church doesn't preach abstinance from sex with your wife/husband... they say is actually REALLY helpful to be married and encourage you to have sex. "Be fruitful and multiply" So i don't think it has to do with her family/church. Even paul said, "it's better for a maiden to marry than to burn with desire"
"The calm before the storm" and the "Darkness before the light" But i don't want to put this idea into anyone's head. I mean, it's only me. Something is up, and it isn't just not wanting sex... there's something beneath that shiny veneer.
She tried for 3 whole days to be intimate to him... then she went back to what she was doing, there's something else there. I'm imagining it you're laying together and he tries to initiate, she turns over and pushes him away with contempt. that would be aggrevating, and I can see how he'd want to cheat. I'd say bring it up again and bring up the reality of him straying.
They need to role play or something get some excitement back into their lives. Going out with friends much too often is a red flag to me.
Even if she's NOT cheating... SOMETHING is up.
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Have you ever thought that she may already done a cheating so she is feeling bad about that and for that cant have a contract with you??I may be young but have found many things from women.One is that when they have done something bad for you they got away from you from saddness and if you talk to them they cry..Just a thought
I second the heart-to-heart, all out there talk, in private. Seeing how that goes, at the end I would suggest and recommend some marriage counseling/therapy and see how she reacts to that. See how serious she is about having a happy and fulfilling marriage for both of you guys.
It is not fair when one partner is not being satisfied in any given way, emotionally or physically. The other should show compassion towards that. You guys are not 50s to 60's, where you will see a big drop-off (although ideally you should be having sex well into your life). Virtually stopping in your 40's is much too young and it will only get worst.
The sex slowing down is alarming but not abnormal after the kids and moving up in age. But to total lack of affection is what is really a HUGE warning sign for any given reason. The fact that she seems to pay you no affection and to go as far as avoid sleeping together at times or kissing- Something is not right there.
It is not fair when one partner is not being satisfied in any given way, emotionally or physically. The other should show compassion towards that. You guys are not 50s to 60's, where you will see a big drop-off (although ideally you should be having sex well into your life). Virtually stopping in your 40's is much too young and it will only get worst.
The sex slowing down is alarming but not abnormal after the kids and moving up in age. But to total lack of affection is what is really a HUGE warning sign for any given reason. The fact that she seems to pay you no affection and to go as far as avoid sleeping together at times or kissing- Something is not right there.
Well for whatever reason it has not been bothering me quite as much. Things still pretty are still the same but for some reason its not bothering me right now. I am sure it will again at some point. I went through Valentines day and an Anniversary without a whole lot of attention and just kinda laughed it off. She even invited her mother to come spend the weekend with us and then this past weekend she went and stayed with her mother. They live about 90 miles apart.
Tonight she was doing some stuff outside so I went out and joined her and she mentioned wanting to loose weight and I told her I heard on the radio that sex burns around 200 calories. Then I got a 10 minute speech on how that was not the same thing. She told me sex does not increase heart rate, nor help firm up and tone and on and on. I told her it certainly made my heart rate increase and she told me it was not the same as walking or running.
Anyway I did have another talk with her and this time I got really no results. Not even sure she was really listening to what I was saying. At least last time it got me 3 days.
Oh well thats my little update in case anyone was curious. Not much change.
Tonight she was doing some stuff outside so I went out and joined her and she mentioned wanting to loose weight and I told her I heard on the radio that sex burns around 200 calories. Then I got a 10 minute speech on how that was not the same thing. She told me sex does not increase heart rate, nor help firm up and tone and on and on. I told her it certainly made my heart rate increase and she told me it was not the same as walking or running.
Anyway I did have another talk with her and this time I got really no results. Not even sure she was really listening to what I was saying. At least last time it got me 3 days.
Oh well thats my little update in case anyone was curious. Not much change.
Now she's being mean. Seriously time for Marriage Counseling.
You gotta find out what's wrong with her head that is making her anti-intimate. You guys are like platonic friends now... That's not a marriage bro.
Then again, I've never been married so i don't know.
You gotta find out what's wrong with her head that is making her anti-intimate. You guys are like platonic friends now... That's not a marriage bro.
Then again, I've never been married so i don't know.
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If she's so interested in being a mother then she has to realize that sex is vital to a healthy relationship, and healthy relationships serve as a good role model for your children. How are your kids going to act when they start dating with this cold indifference in the house hold?
Wow. Being a mother can change you a lot. You mentioned that she wants to lose weight, maybe she doesn't feel sexy anymore. I know as I've gotten older and put weight on that my drive has gone down. You said she use to have a belly ring and now she doesn't even wear ear rings. This makes me think this is something, but it probably isn't the whole reason. She may also be not getting anything from sex anymore. If she doesn't find it fulfilling, why do it. Just some thoughts. I don't know her reasons.
