Lust and Love.

[Mc Dong]

Interesting post. At some point a relationship becomes routine and the excitement/rush fades away. You know all of their stories, jokes, habits, sexual preferences, etc, etc, etc and then things start to get boring. Well, maybe not boring, but nothing new surfaces. For example, my lady is beautiful, is very intelligent and loves to experiment in bed... But still, the eventual "been there, done that, talked about that" feeling hits me and that "WOW" feeling towards her just doesn't jump out at me as often as it did. It makes a relationship harder. But if the person is worth it (and she is), then the effort to create that new rush is not a big deal. However, eventually all the vacations, spur of the moment sex, adventure dates, and fun things a couple can do gets done and you either are happy with them as a person and longer need that rush or are driven to go find it again with someone new.

My 2 cents on this topic

MD

 

[Hanma]

Sometimes the best moments are spent talking, walking, playing, building lego blocks ... very simple things.

And if the person is mentally prepared, that person will be able to control the feelings of limerence.

 

[kingpole]

I can't wait for it to happen to me.....Just for something different.

 

[Hanma]

@KP: Ever tried LSD? Well, LSD while skydiving is much better.

 

[Dante311]

I'm definitely in a state of limerance and with the same woman I dumped a few weeks ago.

I'm beginning to wonder if it'll last at all... i am feeling more and more like her emotional tampon, but she won't let go of me. And me in this transition in life going from graduate school to a career... is liking the attention. sh*t...

 

[Midnight Man]

My girlfriend and I are very much in the limerance phase right now. I really fear the thought of one or both of us falling into a rut after a year or two.

 

[rhinoguy]

Nice post TTBB.

Limerance and love really are not the same thing. They overlap but there are significant differences. I have had several relationships where I loved a girlfriend but was not particularly affected mentally by any of the points contained in the Limerance definition. It might even be said that I did not deeply love them, but I am sure Limerance was a minor part at best and the main thing those relationships contained was genuine love. Although I found the women sexually interesting and could always perform sex with them I did not find them very sexy and seldom thought about sex with them outside of the actual doing.

By contrast, several girls who I did not know particularly well invoked clear Limerance reactions in me. One of them was so strong that I was a totally overwhelmed. I kept thinking about making babies with her all the time. I literally had to self-restructure my mind to get control of it back. Once that was accomplished which took about 3 months I realized that Limerance is a powerful and highly addictive feature of brain physiology. Limerance probably is natural selection's method for promoting superior offspring. In humans I suspect it is little different from the same thing found in animal mating behavior.

This is not to say that a relationship that starts with Limerance is doomed to fail, but I believe that when the biological aspect finally settles out and we know that it does, the relationshp may have to redefine itself to continue. If it doesn't do this the relationship may become dead if genuine love was never there or did not develop.

 

[Dante311]

Not going to lie, TTBB... this post scares me. I'm not a social scientist or savant in psychology, but everything you termed to define a state of limerance is what I feel... hope, expectation, desire, doubt, fear, rejection, hopelessness, void...

I need to get rid of this one...

 

[islander]

Wow. I know the feeling very well. I agree it's completely uncontrollable and that fact drives me more crazy.
I've never seen it thru to the next stage. This is the type of info I don't like knowing lol. When there is a real scientific reason. For sure there has to be stages. Elimination or relaxing of it. Otherwise we couldn't function properly!

 

[rhinoguy]

I got out of a severe case of Limerance. Here's a few notes on what got me out of it.

* Got rid of all traces of the person- Facebook, cell phone number, old emails, web links related to them, pictures on hard drive etc. Be thorough. You need this for your own good, it does not mean you hate them.
* Talk to yourself about what it is you are hooked on about them. Be honest, explore the pain. Try and decide how those things might be found in other places.
*Give yourself some space. Do not date for a while, do not socialize heavily for a while, take some time for you. Maybe start a new hobby.
*When you finally get them out of your head regularly remind yourself how nice it is to be free and how YOU own your life.
*For the first 6 months or so after rehabilitation, do not google their name, do not allow yourself to think frivolously about the person (only applies after you have control of it). Relapse could occur if you are not careful.
*Find a new date. Do not look for someone who is simply an obvious replacement. If the Limerance target was a tall blonde who was into skiing, then look for a short brunette who paints or something like that.

 

[Pegasus]

Uh ,can I ask why you worked so hard to kill L, rather than let it take it's natural course Rhino?

 

[kingpole]

@KP: Ever tried LSD? Well, LSD while skydiving is much better.

No.

 

[Hanma]

I'm definitely in a state of limerance and with the same woman I dumped a few weeks ago.

I'm beginning to wonder if it'll last at all... i am feeling more and more like her emotional tampon, but she won't let go of me. And me in this transition in life going from graduate school to a career... is liking the attention. sh*t...

Goign through it now.

Not going to lie, TTBB... this post scares me. I'm not a social scientist or savant in psychology, but everything you termed to define a state of limerance is what I feel... hope, expectation, desire, doubt, fear, rejection, hopelessness, void...

I need to get rid of this one...

I think it takes 12 months for the chemicals released in this state to be "dissolved" or "neutralised", if I remember correctly. And it is rather addictive isn't it, the feeling of high, but it's quickly followed by a low. Very much like a drug / alcohol addiction (I could be wrong again).

I got out of a severe case of Limerance. Here's a few notes on what got me out of it.

* Got rid of all traces of the person- Facebook, cell phone number, old emails, web links related to them, pictures on hard drive etc. Be thorough. You need this for your own good, it does not mean you hate them.
* Talk to yourself about what it is you are hooked on about them. Be honest, explore the pain. Try and decide how those things might be found in other places.
*Give yourself some space. Do not date for a while, do not socialize heavily for a while, take some time for you. Maybe start a new hobby.
*When you finally get them out of your head regularly remind yourself how nice it is to be free and how YOU own your life.
*For the first 6 months or so after rehabilitation, do not google their name, do not allow yourself to think frivolously about the person (only applies after you have control of it). Relapse could occur if you are not careful.
*Find a new date. Do not look for someone who is simply an obvious replacement. If the Limerance target was a tall blonde who was into skiing, then look for a short brunette who paints or something like that.

Here's another method I tried a couple of times - think about all the pain and rejection she caused you, dwell in the anger and self pity until it doesn't sting as much. While you're doing this, make use of your anger. I kicked trees, ran, stuff like that.
it's self destructive I know. And since I love comedy, I use it to soothe me somewhat as well.

 

[rhinoguy]

Uh ,can I ask why you worked so hard to kill L, rather than let it take it's natural course Rhino?

Rejection is just so unpleasant. The woman rejected me and then left town but I was still in love, so to speak. Needed to get back to an even keel and to move on with my life. Limerance isn't really love, it is a chemical-induced state of mind. It is highly unpleasant when things start going back to normal and often leads to strong withdrawal symptoms. Proverbial love trangles get going and the lovers can easily get stir crazy. Not fun.

 

[Pegasus]

Yes, I have found it tends to lead to excessive commiment.

 

[TTBB]

haha.. sorry pegasus, your comment did make me giggle.

And yes both Hanna and Dante you both are going through it now.. but you both will get through it and will learn a few things about yourselves and relationships along the way ..there is a silver lining to your situations

 

[kingpole]

Time will heal. You guys got to start looking for a different woman now.

 

[MrBigDick]

Hey Dante,

Bro, I know what you're going through.....remember?? Dude, you seriously do not need to be any woman's emotional tampon.....FUCK THAT! I JUST got through that sh*t with Renee and I kicked her to the curb because I got sick and fucking tired of being her personal patch of grass to sh*t on every time she felt the need to dump. And the sex wasn't worth it anymore. NO ONE needs to be treated like that. Move on brother....focus on YOU.

 

[Hanma]

Time will heal. You guys got to start looking for a different woman now.

Hehe, I don't want a woman for a very long time now.

 

[Dante311]

Hey Dante,

Bro, I know what you're going through.....remember?? Dude, you seriously do not need to be any woman's emotional tampon.....FUCK THAT! I JUST got through that sh*t with Renee and I kicked her to the curb because I got sick and fucking tired of being her personal patch of grass to sh*t on every time she felt the need to dump. And the sex wasn't worth it anymore. NO ONE needs to be treated like that. Move on brother....focus on YOU.

honestly.... i'm going through situational depression... heh.