Interpretation sought... all input appreciated.

[mistydawn]

Alright. I need help interpreting this convo. I told him in an email just about all the details about the families plans falling apart. The last go around I had with him, which you can see in another thread about me pulling my hair out, he said he thought the trip was to see my family. I was going really to see him, but since we could not reach an agreement, I became less inclined to go down there and with my family get together imploding, sealed it. So, here is the convo he started with me today. All imput is appreciated.

Him:Hello

Me: Hi

Him: What time will you be here?

Me: Didn't you get my email? (told him I'm not going on the trip)

Him: Yes, but we had an agreement

Me: Oh no! Cute.

Him: No, a 3 legged mouse is cute. (I had a 3 legged mouse as a pet when I was a kid)

Me: There was no agreement reached

Him: Ok. I'll remember that. So what's going on?

Me: Hey hey hey. What's this you will remember?

Him: Hold on. I gotta call my friend in san diego to see if it's too late for me to meet up with him.

Me: Pill (another term for calling him a butt)

Him:

Me: U should be coming up here if any place! Big hug and kiss. I'm going to bed.

Him: Nite

Me: Pill

 

[phil88]

I am going to go to bed after writing this because I took a sleeping pill, but I had a few questions. How does he normally say hi? Is it just "hello", or "hi" or does that seem cold at all? How long of a pause was there before he said hold on i gotta call my friend in san diego?

 

[Erebus197]

I don't think it is a big deal. Obviously he's a little peeved you bailed and wanted to rub in that he could make other friends with a guy in San Diego. However it seemed like friendly jest to me and I don't think its a big deal.

 

[mistydawn]

Thanks for your responses. I sent the email saying I wasn't going to make it there Friday March 4th. Either Sat the 5th or Sun the 6th he sent me a picture of his woody. I replied and asked if he had read my email. Then on Mon the 7th we had this convo. I gave him time to make new plans so I cannot imagine why he would say this to me now. I thought it wasn't very nice. I cannot imagine saying that to someone if I actually was going to make such a call!! I love how he brought up that agreement...ha ha...he obviously didn't forget it.
There really is other family stuff I was suppose to go there to do (meet my brothers girlfriend/homewrecker). Two of the grandkids we be at my parents house and they have 1 spare room. I have nowhere to sleep and cannot afford a hotel. I would not stay at my FWB house for that many days even if he invited me. So, this trip died.
Future trips I take I will plan to keep myself more occupied, stay busy. I cannot stand around waiting for his call. Too upsetting.

Phil88...yes, he often starts out with just a Hello. I do as well. Why do guys send pictures of their dicks?

 

[somebodyelse]

wow, you can't just bail on him like that. We said "try to spend a bit more time." or cut it off completely. You left him in limbo because your last message wasn't decisive. he may have sent the pics because you reacted differently to them the first time he sent one.

I thought women thought these things through a lot better . You can't just bail without a strong reason, especially if you reacted so negatively to him not wanting you to use him. You insisted on an agreement, it appears there was a mock agreement in place at least for this time (just to get the ball rolling), now you've reneged on that! You're not being very consistent.

The guy wished not to be used, you didn't make it clear to him that he wasn't. That is to say, you didn't reduce or remove the apparent penalty of havin sex 3 times. He's still under the impression that you want his sex. Now you've created a bigger mess. This isn't going to end cleanly. He's clearly pissed off. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets shorter and shorter with you... Sex complicates everything, and if you treat it like a business arrangement, it'll turn into a monetary/barter payment system. That gets dicey because when you mix emotions and money together, you will ALWAYS get more than you bargained for. Negatively, that is.


Basically he agreed, under duress, to comply with your "agreement" which lowered your value as a "friend", to him; in a sense. You then became a business acquaintance. You've shown you can't hold up your end of any partnership. You've also shown incapability to supply what you've promised. You're no longer of any use to him either...

As I said, this can only end ugly.

 

[mistydawn]

wow, you can't just bail on him like that. We said "try to spend a bit more time." or cut it off completely. You left him in limbo because your last message wasn't decisive. he may have sent the pics because you reacted differently to them the first time he sent one.

I thought women thought these things through a lot better . You can't just bail without a strong reason, especially if you reacted so negatively to him not wanting you to use him. You insisted on an agreement, it appears there was a mock agreement in place at least for this time (just to get the ball rolling), now you've reneged on that! You're not being very consistent.

The guy wished not to be used, you didn't make it clear to him that he wasn't. That is to say, you didn't reduce or remove the apparent penalty of havin sex 3 times. He's still under the impression that you want his sex. Now you've created a bigger mess. This isn't going to end cleanly. He's clearly pissed off. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets shorter and shorter with you... Sex complicates everything, and if you treat it like a business arrangement, it'll turn into a monetary/barter payment system. That gets dicey because when you mix emotions and money together, you will ALWAYS get more than you bargained for. Negatively, that is.


Basically he agreed, under duress, to comply with your "agreement" which lowered your value as a "friend", to him; in a sense. You then became a business acquaintance. You've shown you can't hold up your end of any partnership. You've also shown incapability to supply what you've promised. You're no longer of any use to him either...

As I said, this can only end ugly.

I think some things have been lost. I believe he left it with a no agreement. What is a mock agreement? Where are you getting that from?
He also knew I was going there for family reasons (but between all of us here, I was going for him). I had legit reasons for not going, I didn't make anything up. I reneged on nothing. He did not agree to 3x. There was no penalty for not having it 3x. I still want sex with him VERY much. I think he knows that. The next time I see him I do plan to spend more time with him as friends.

Please tell me why you are thinking he and I have a misunderstanding. If there is really a misunderstanding, what do you suggest I do?

 

[Batwoman]

It all seems like games to me, Misty. My advice would be to cut out all the brinksmanship and just send him an email saying how you feel.

If it's true, say that you are sorry that this trip didn't work out, that you hope to come another time, and that you really want to have more sex with him. The agreement thing didn't work out (for either of you, so it seems) so just say that you realize that it was a mistake (if that's true) but that it was just your way of trying to say that you want more time with him when you go to visit. Tell him that even though your family is there, you make these trips to see HIM and that you really want more time together, being without him when you are there depresses you. Then wait to see how he responds.

Truthfully, it sounds to me like he has put up with a lot from you, and he is being fairly patient and dealing with it with humor. That's a good sign. Have the grace to be flexible yourself, and truthful with him.

 

[mistydawn]

I put up on here the email I wrote him telling him that I didn't listen to him saying no to the agreement and I kept pressing. He just wrote back with a little funny 'Everything is negotiable', which was not him agreeing to anything. Did any of us take it that way? I have HAD to play his game because he will not communicate. I would prefer to put everything out on the table! I am no good at games. I suck.

 

[somebodyelse]

I think some things have been lost. I believe he left it with a no agreement. What is a mock agreement?* Where are you getting that from?
He also knew I was going there for family reasons (but between all of us here, I was going for him). I had legit reasons for not going, I didn't make anything up. I reneged on nothing. He did not agree to 3x. There was no penalty for not having it 3x.** I still want sex with him VERY much. I think he knows that.*** The next time I see him I do plan to spend more time with him as friends.

Please tell me why you are thinking he and I have a misunderstanding. If there is really a misunderstanding, what do you suggest I do?****

*I say mock agreement because there was no really consensus reached. So the only way to make it work (in his mind) was that you two would fall back on your original way of doing things until it was sorted out.

**Remember when you said "he feels bad when he can't perform" especially when he has ED? THAT is a penalty. The feeling of uselessness is a penalty and a downer to sex. Especially when he can feel you judging him. It's not about disappointing you, it's about the feeling he gets that you're judging him. You may not be, but if you show disappointment, he's developed a whole range of thoughts you could be thinking in his head which kind of hit his self-confidence. Then you insist on the number and it just ramps up the pressure.

***You can't assume anything. when you assume, you make an ASS out of U-rself and you make ME have to jump all over Ur Ass, lol.

**** I don't think there's a misunderstanding, I KNOW there's a misunderstanding between you two. He wouldn't have sent you those pictures if there wasn't. That or he was trying to get you to come on his behalf instead of your family.

There's two ways to look at those pictures. One, he was still under the assumption that you two were going to operate on the simple principles laid out before. OR two, those Pictures were a test to see if you still wanted him and you wanted to come regardless of your family issues.

If the case is the second, then you've just reaffirmed that you really only care about his sex more than him. You'd rather only come down there with something else to do.

Is he getting manipulative? He's probably starting to be, because you're playing with him. Good guys learn the game if they get toyed with too much. You're kind of toying with him right now. You're not meaning to, but you are.

 

[somebodyelse]

I put up on here the email I wrote him telling him that I didn't listen to him saying no to the agreement and I kept pressing. He just wrote back with a little funny 'Everything is negotiable', which was not him agreeing to anything. Did any of us take it that way? I have HAD to play his game because he will not communicate. I would prefer to put everything out on the table! I am no good at games. I suck.

"Everything is negotiable" to me would be like "Whatever you say" in an indifferent manner. Like I said in my post in the other thread... I would be like "i don't really care anymore." to me that's an agreement to your terms under duress because it's something that I want.

and as I said here, you'd also lose value as a friend because you're making me feel less human. I would still expect to have sex with you, but I wouldn't really expect you to care much about what i wanted, and I wouldn't really care much about what you wanted anymore.

Every guy is different...
You said he doesn't get much sex... I'm wondering why.

 

[mistydawn]

*I say mock agreement because there was no really consensus reached. So the only way to make it work (in his mind) was that you two would fall back on your original way of doing things until it was sorted out.

I did not catch this. I understood him to say 'no, and I mean no'.

**Remember when you said "he feels bad when he can't perform" especially when he has ED? THAT is a penalty. The feeling of uselessness is a penalty and a downer to sex. Especially when he can feel you judging him. It's not about disappointing you, it's about the feeling he gets that you're judging him. You may not be, but if you show disappointment, he's developed a whole range of thoughts you could be thinking in his head which kind of hit his self-confidence. Then you insist on the number and it just ramps up the pressure.

Wow! This is new. When he has said no to me when I have asked for sex he says it is is stomach. He will not tell me what his stomach problem is but I do believe he has some kind of condition. He has never hinted that it could be his ED. He always puts it to his stomach. I have come to understand that the 3x was pressure oh him, but I am not sure if it for the reasons you said above.

**** I don't think there's a misunderstanding, I KNOW there's a misunderstanding between you two. He wouldn't have sent you those pictures if there wasn't. That or he was trying to get you to come on his behalf instead of your family.
There's two ways to look at those pictures. One, he was still under the assumption that you two were going to operate on the simple principles laid out before. OR two, those Pictures were a test to see if you still wanted him and you wanted to come regardless of your family issues.

The picture kind of confused me. I did respond positively and I asked him if he had read my email yet.

If the case is the second, then you've just reaffirmed that you really only care about his sex more than him. You'd rather only come down there with something else to do.

Is he getting manipulative? He's probably starting to be, because you're playing with him. Good guys learn the game if they get toyed with too much. You're kind of toying with him right now. You're not meaning to, but you are.

Even if I went down there I have no place to stay! I have no money for a hotel. This is so confusing. He was the one that pointed out to me that I was going out there for my family when we were talking about the 3x deal. So if the family plans were ruined then I wouldn't be going. Do you understand what I am saying?

 

[Batwoman]

Why not just take a big risk and ask him if you can stay with him for a few days? I know you have said that you would never do that..... but why not? How bad could it be? That way you could see your family, see him, have sex, etc.....
If he is really your friend as well as your lover, I don't see why you couldn't give that a try.

 

[somebodyelse]

Stop being gun shy...

Make yourself vulnerable... Take a risk and try it out. If he's your friend he wont mind...

 

[mistydawn]

This relationship I have with him means a lot to me. I really thought he said no to the agreement and I was respecting his feelings. I thought I was being 'selfish and controlling'. I thought I was being a better friend to him by not pushing for the agreement. How did it turn into this?

 

[somebodyelse]

Sorry i was slow on the draw. doing my PE... responded.

 

[mistydawn]

sorry i was slow on the draw. Doing my pe...

lol

 

[mistydawn]

Why not just take a big risk and ask him if you can stay with him for a few days? I know you have said that you would never do that..... but why not? How bad could it be? That way you could see your family, see him, have sex, etc.....
If he is really your friend as well as your lover, I don't see why you couldn't give that a try.

tell him being without him when you are there depresses you.

I will be very blunt about my reason...I will be seen as high maintenance!
This is the answer to the other thread too where someone kept asking me what I am afraid of. I do not want to be seen as high maintenance. That is a horrible term men have put on women. I do not want to be called that. It is not a compliment! I do not want to be seen as having feelings, needs...nothing. I have to keep this on this FWB level. Now it's all out there.

 

[kport1]

I will be very blunt about my reason...I will be seen as high maintenance!
This is the answer to the other thread too where someone kept asking me what I am afraid of. I do not want to be seen as high maintenance. That is a horrible term men have put on women. I do not want to be called that. It is not a compliment! I do not want to be seen as having feelings, needs...nothing. I have to keep this on this FWB level. Now it's all out there.

Hmmmm,,maybe you should start recognising the fact that you do have feelings,needs, desires and so much more that normally one looks for in another to be fulfilled and shared,,isnt this after all why we have a relationship with a particular person? , on why some relationships work out better with this one or that one, is because of just that,,we are satisfied by the other in more of the aforementioned,,,why is it that you have to keep it on the FWB basis? the real answer to this question is where the real problem may lay,,i think that you maybe rather confused about all this jajajajaj or maybe its me,,i dont think your being honest with yourself or to him,,,as i have said before,,keeping him on the FWB agreement, should be thrown out,,it is your safty net,,you should work on yourself a bit more,,get in touch with your feelings,needs and desires,,your emotions,,know what they are and stand by them,,dont be affraid to put them out there to another,,i am hoping that i am on track here and that i did not offend in anyway,,,just my thoughts on the matter,,,all the best

 

[mistydawn]

Hmmmm,,maybe you should start recognising the fact that you do have feelings,needs, desires and so much more that normally one looks for in another to be fulfilled and shared,,isnt this after all why we have a relationship with a particular person? , on why some relationships work out better with this one or that one, is because of just that,,we are satisfied by the other in more of the aforementioned,,,why is it that you have to keep it on the FWB basis? the real answer to this question is where the real problem may lay,,i think that you maybe rather confused about all this jajajajaj or maybe its me,,i dont think your being honest with yourself or to him,,,as i have said before,,keeping him on the FWB agreement, should be thrown out,,it is your safty net,,you should work on yourself a bit more,,get in touch with your feelings,needs and desires,,your emotions,,know what they are and stand by them,,dont be affraid to put them out there to another,,i am hoping that i am on track here and that i did not offend in anyway,,,just my thoughts on the matter,,,all the best

Oh I know I do (have feelings, needs etc)! It's just that to let a guy know that, you become seen as high maintenance. I could say soooooo much about this but I promised Pegasus I would not talk about certain views. I cannot elaborate more on this. I have tried to talk to my friend about things but he does not talk back. I have tried to be honest. I am in touch with my feelings. I have worked on myself for like forever. I have HAD TO because of my being adopted. Kind of leaves you with an identity crisis. So I have had to work hard figuring out my feelings, needs and what I am about. I am VERY out there with my other friends (an open book). This relationship is not the norm for me. I am lost so I am on here getting help from you folks.

 

[kport1]

okay,well so you'll know i am adopted as well,just for the record,i think you need to ask yourself,,what is it that i truly want out of this realationship with my friend? Why am i not being honest how i feel to him? you are a women and to voice your true desires and what not is not viewed as being high maintenance,,at least to me anyway, why am i so on edge when we are alone? i think you should relax and think things through about why you feel the way you feel and how you are acting,,never mind about him until you have a grip on you and what you want and all and why you are doing what you are doing and feeling about it all,what is holding you back and why, ,,no?