I know why I actually don't want to start anything with girls and try to come up with all kinds of excuses. I can't accept the fact that a girl would be experienced and I'm not experienced at all. How to get over it?
I understood what is wrong with me
- Thread starter sekeris
- Start date
Go find a girl without experience, therefore you solve two problems at once. Experience at what though?
Pirate
Retired Administrator, PEGym Hero
Grow up sounds harsh but is not ment so.
Mate you need to learn, ego is your only and worst enemy.
Everytime you confront him it will hurt yo because he is hiding behind your pain, but everytime it will hurt less until you root it out.
Mate you need to learn, ego is your only and worst enemy.
Everytime you confront him it will hurt yo because he is hiding behind your pain, but everytime it will hurt less until you root it out.
I have to say I don't understand. What does ego have to do with growing up? I should become a tool?
This is how I imagine a situation with me and a girl could go.
She asks about sexual experience and I say I don't have any, then she asks "But at least you have kissed?". I say no. She laughs or is stunned and all my dignity is lost.
Growing up is about getting your ego in check. If a person is too self-obsessed (especially negatively) to make time for others then they have nothing to offer others. I accept that most of us see ourselves as a bit more important than others, and that's defensible to a degree, but when a person's ego is too dominant they can find themselves barely noticing or considering other people, and looking down on those that they do notice. The irony is that once you strip away the meaningless stuff like possessions and clothes, we're all in the same boat, regardless of any status you might perceive.
When you come to understand and can happily accept that you're not competing with anyone, that you're not better or worse than anyone else, that you have a lot to offer as you are already, and you quit acting like you're more important than other people (regardless of whether you feel that way or not) you'll find yourself growing passively through experience every day and with time to actively engage with others on the level, you'll find other people will then want to engage with you.
If that makes you a tool, then I guess I'm a tool as well as an asshole. Everybody has to be somebody, huh.
Stop imagining it! Go and find out. It won't be what you imagine. I promise.
And even if in the one in a million chance that this is exactly how it goes, Who cares? Again, as the guys said, this is about ego. I mean go ahead, laugh at me. Rip the piss out of me. Insult me. Please. You think I give a sh*t? The chances of some girl treating you like this are somewhere between slim and none, and slim is just slipping out the fire exit. But should you somehow find yourself in this situation.. I'll ask again, who cares? Your ego, and only your ego. Ultimately you find true dignity and pride within yourself. If you want to qualify yourself by what others say, there's no dignity to be found there anyway. And if you're also so afraid of the worst thing someone could possibly say to you that you won't even go find out (despite the fact that everyone will have their own, unique opinion anyway), then you're also denying yourself qualification - regardless of whether it's valuable qualification or not - and that leaves you with zero self esteem to boot.
How to get over it?
I'm sorry, you probably won't like this, but there is one way, and it's common to all of us. we all had to do it, and have to do it. You just have to get out there and find out. Try to take an interest in other people. Spend a day meeting women without talking about yourself at all. Just ask them about them. Let your ego drop into the background for a day, listen, and take an interest. Then see what happens.
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So in short, you're saying you haven't gotten any experience with women because you're assuming based on one scenario that the woman you're having a conversation with will be more experienced than you are?
And if that's the only thing that's stopping you from progressing then you probably didn't have much dignity to begin with.
I'd love it if the woman was more experienced than I. How many times do you think women let men take in charge in bed? She might love it.
This is just sex ... I'm sure you had to learn a lot of things from people who were more experienced than you in certain fields, this is just like that. A learning experience. You don't have a deep psychological issue or a legit self esteem problem that's holding you back. It's just your ego.
And when the hell did Spanky become a moderator? :O
And if that's the only thing that's stopping you from progressing then you probably didn't have much dignity to begin with.
I'd love it if the woman was more experienced than I. How many times do you think women let men take in charge in bed? She might love it.
This is just sex ... I'm sure you had to learn a lot of things from people who were more experienced than you in certain fields, this is just like that. A learning experience. You don't have a deep psychological issue or a legit self esteem problem that's holding you back. It's just your ego.
And when the hell did Spanky become a moderator? :O
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Agreed. I do think too much about myself. But when I think about that from a girls point of view it's even worse. She would probably be dissapointed and sad. Or am I wrong?
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Probably.
Listen, women LOVE to talk about themselves. I haven't met a girl yet that hasn't. Ask her a little about herself and all you have to do is listen. All women love a man that listens. If you do that, then you're good as gold.
I remember my first time (at 18). These were pretty much my fears. I told them to her, and said I was worried she would laugh at me. She said, "Don't worry about it." Then we did it! It was great.
What do I regret? Probably worrying about it.
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But one thing worries me about all us self-conscious people. We just keep getting told to get over ourselves, stop being self-centred, stop worrying and be confident.
Great! Just what we need. More blame the victim. Something else about us to worry about.
Get angry, that helps!
Great! Just what we need. More blame the victim. Something else about us to worry about.
Get angry, that helps!
You just need something that will push you over the edge. That is what I think people are trying to tell you guys.
I knew this dude who was self-conscious and didn't change until one day we went out to a bar and I hooked him up with this chick. I started the conversation, she continued it, then I let him take over and the rest is history.
You just need a kickstart.
I knew this dude who was self-conscious and didn't change until one day we went out to a bar and I hooked him up with this chick. I started the conversation, she continued it, then I let him take over and the rest is history.
You just need a kickstart.
Sekeris, people respond to you based on how you present yourself to them. I know you know this, as I'm sure you've said before you have no problem with other social interaction. It's just like with bullying and aggression - if you act like a victim, you're damn near guaranteed to become a victim. So let me paint two more scenarios where you discuss your lack of experience with a woman.
In the first, you get all anxious and freaked out about "admitting" you have no experience. You can't look her in the eye and recoil when she touches you. She then gets a bit freaked out by your reaction, and feels a bit shitty herself that the idea of sex with her was so intimidating. She falls back, feeling a little insecure about this because she senses that you're going to be hard work, and she suspects you'll be too wrapped up in your own nerves to satisfy her. She realises this will complicate the sex and it won't be enjoyable so she makes her excuses.
Or, you boldly tell her the truth, but laugh it off, like "I was saving myself for you.." or "seriously, would you kiss any of the girls in my high school?". She laughs, and feels comfortable in your company. She gets a little curious as to how come you haven't yet, and why you want her to be your first. She asks you about it. You answer, perhaps a little coyly, but with no shame. She finds this endearing but is a little unsure if you really want her to be your first because she knows you'll always remember her for it and she wonders if she'll be good enough. So she starts fishing for reassurance, and when you tell her how comfortable you feel with her and not to worry, you provide that reassurance to her. The story continues behind closed doors...
Since all three of these scenarios are made up, none of them are likely to actually happen just like that, but I hope you can see not only that the same scenario plays out differently based on your attitude to her, how needy or comfortable you appear, how much interest you take in her etc (as opposed to obsessing over yourself), but also that making up scenarios like this is pretty damned stupid anyway, since nobody knows what's around the corner, and half the fun is finding out.
In the first, you get all anxious and freaked out about "admitting" you have no experience. You can't look her in the eye and recoil when she touches you. She then gets a bit freaked out by your reaction, and feels a bit shitty herself that the idea of sex with her was so intimidating. She falls back, feeling a little insecure about this because she senses that you're going to be hard work, and she suspects you'll be too wrapped up in your own nerves to satisfy her. She realises this will complicate the sex and it won't be enjoyable so she makes her excuses.
Or, you boldly tell her the truth, but laugh it off, like "I was saving myself for you.." or "seriously, would you kiss any of the girls in my high school?". She laughs, and feels comfortable in your company. She gets a little curious as to how come you haven't yet, and why you want her to be your first. She asks you about it. You answer, perhaps a little coyly, but with no shame. She finds this endearing but is a little unsure if you really want her to be your first because she knows you'll always remember her for it and she wonders if she'll be good enough. So she starts fishing for reassurance, and when you tell her how comfortable you feel with her and not to worry, you provide that reassurance to her. The story continues behind closed doors...
Since all three of these scenarios are made up, none of them are likely to actually happen just like that, but I hope you can see not only that the same scenario plays out differently based on your attitude to her, how needy or comfortable you appear, how much interest you take in her etc (as opposed to obsessing over yourself), but also that making up scenarios like this is pretty damned stupid anyway, since nobody knows what's around the corner, and half the fun is finding out.
