Dante i just read your thread and the exact same thing happened to me few months ago. She was three years younger, i was her first boyfriend and she was also a virgin. I liked her alot but the main thing was that she showed no emotions or affection towards me. She also didn't care much about seeing me, worked 40 hrs a week plus school and i requested that i wanted to see her more and she said work was more important... But i still tried 110 percent in the relationship and she really did not try that hard. One day we were suppose to hang out and i called her, no response. The next day she calls me back she was like i was busy. That same day i checked her fb and it didnt exist, i called her again, texted her few times, no response. She calls me that night and instead of apologizing to me, she had the nerve to say i was overreacting. So after that i told her i was gonna talk to her later and she never called me back and i just never even bothered calling her back either.
As you can see we both went through the same sh*t. I was depressed as sh*t because she never told me why she broke up with me, its like one day we were fine and next day it was over. One thing that still tends to linger in the back of my head is why she broke up with me. But i have changed that faulty thinking and now i realize that her breaking up with me is not my fault.
I am not going to sit here and tell you to get over it because that's not going to work. It's going to take some time for you to recover and soon you are going to start thinking logically and you will realize that you have offered everything that you could to this girl, but you guys did not match up because the chemistry was different. You said for you it is important that a girl shows affection and that she spends time with you, and the fact that she didn't do those things is a huge red flag.
I want to ask you something and i want you to answer it to your best abilities.
I know you said that you wished that she was more affectionate or that she spent more time with you. Did she ever request anything from you such as; asking you to do things for her, or help her with stuff. Or did she ever buy you a gift or even talked about how she likes gifts. Has she ever verbalized that she likes cuddling and having sex with you. And the last but not least, has she ever responded positively when you gave her praise.
I know these questions look random but they are not. They are from a book called 5 languages of love that i had to read in my sociology class. Its the top seller with 6 million copies sold, written by a marriage therapist Dr. Chapman.
Bare with me this will be an interesting read.
His theory is that we all have emotional tanks. When we are with our significant other and when we are in complete love, our emotional tank is full, however, opposite is true when we begin to dislike the person, our love tank becomes empty.
Dr.Chapman talks about the five languages of love and how every individual has a specific primary language of love. For example, if you speak the primary language of love of the significant other, they will start to love you more and more and in return will naturally start speaking your primary language of love, making your emotional tank full as well.
Here are the five different languages of love:
- Words of Affirmation
This is when you say how nice your spouse looks, or how great the dinner tasted. These words will also build your mate's self image and confidence.
- Quality Time
Some spouses believe that being together, doing things together and focusing in on one another is the best way to show love. If this is your partner's love language, turn off the TV now and then and give one another some undivided attention.
- Gifts
It is universal in human cultures to give gifts They don't have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love. Spouses who forget a birthday or anniversary or who never give gifts to someone who truly enjoys gift giving will find themselves with a spouse who feels neglected and unloved.
- Acts of Service
Discovering how you can best do something for your spouse will require time and creativity. These acts of service like vacuuming, hanging a bird feeder, planting a garden, etc., need to be done with joy in order to be perceived as a gift of love.
- Physical Touch
Sometimes just stroking your spouse's back, holding hands, or a peck on the cheek will fulfill this need.
Bamn, did you notice how earlier you complained and said that she didnt spend enough time with you and did not show affection. This means that your primary language of love is quality time. This means that you don't really care what you guys do, you can be just sitting in your back yard, but as long as you guys are spending quality time and exchanging ideas and talking, you will fall in love with that person. So i guarantee you, since for me i share the same primary language of love as you, if she showed more affection and spent more time with you, you would of LOVED her alot.
And for example, her primary love language could of been words of affirmation or acts of service. For words of affirmation, this means maybe she did something for you and you never gave her the praise she deserved, or you never really appreciated small things that she could of done. So for these people it is super important to give positive affirmation when they do something. Or her primary language of love could of been acts of service. Maybe she might of asked you to do something for her and you blew her off. In her head she sees this as you not caring about her and right away does not want to spend time with you nor be affectionate because her emotional tank is not full. And the last two are physical touch and gifts. The girl i was telling you that left me, now i realize after reading her book that her primary language of love is gifts. She kept on buying me gifts in hopes of me actually buying her something.....i never did. That was her reaching out and being desperate just like i was asking her to spend more time with me...and she wouldnt. The exact same principle.
The last language of love is physical touch, this one mostly pertains to guys. This means that if your primary language of love is physical touch, it means a lot to you when your significant other touches you from time to time. Such as sit on you lap, hug you, cuddle with you, etc. If the woman is not doing these things, your emotional tank will begin to empty out, however, if she is constantly doing this to you, your emotional tank will be full and you will be in love. And as a result, if she demonstrates that her language of love is not being spoken, by saying things like, oh i wish you could paint the house, you will do that for her because you love her.
I could go on for hours talking about this book, i highly recommend it. Since i have read this book, and its not that i am trying to be manipulative, but i have made two girls fall in love. And i barely had any feelings for them...I know its terrible but what can i say.
I quickly found what their primary language of love is and then kept on expressing it as much as possible, and soon as you stop talking to them or anything, they dont know how to live without you. Mind you i am 21 years old, and i was able to pull this off with a 27 yr old. That tells you alot. The biggest problem about having this knowledge is that you honestly cant get the girls to stop talking to you, thats not even a joke. They turn into psycho stalkers, which is not my intention, but thats what happens when you tap into the human mind.
Its getting late im tired, but let me know what you guys think about this. I just summarized the whole book lol so sorry if its a little bit jumpy, its late!
