Actions vs Words

[islander]

As a woman I like to "hear" him say things to me for me to believe it. As a man he likes to prove his feelings with actions. We are going on 6 months, we were friends for many years before I ever considered him as anything but a friend. The chemistry just hit me and we are having a great love affair seeing each other several times a week.
I honestly feel he is not a keeper. I have actually told him this. I basically am enjoying him sexually and he me.
I have read many of the male posts and so many of you seem so concerned with being used or played. I am hoping you are leaning more towards the women who may need your money/support rather than your body. Am I correct in this assumption?

I mean women can/should be able to have a FWB relationship when that is all they can truly offer at that time in their life. Never say never. You never know if it will turn into something else. As long as the man knows hey, I love your body, love the sex but not you right?

We are very respectful of each other. We make time for each other. I let him talk/vent (I rarely do that with him however), cuddle and all that. But the hours we spend with each other and the sexting is fantastic. Great time in my life and he concurs. Safe for him emotionally I hope. Thoughts?

Note: 12 year ago difference he is older. He claims never to have been in love. I dont care either way lol I hope he does not fall in love with me. I dont want to make a decision for him by misreading his "talk" but rather stay focused on the actions which are 100% in line with mine.

 

[Waylander]

Welcome aboard Islander I predict that you will be very popular here :thumb:

 

[beetleboy]

Welcome Islander, nice to have another female hanging around You guys always give us a unique view on things. Seems to me you guys have a great foundation for a committed relationship. As someone who has been married for the last 18 years to the same woman I can tell you that a good marriage starts with a good friendship. You guys seem to get along well, the sex is good, and you respect each other which is probably more important than anything else. As far as being played, nobody likes it. Life is too short and hard to waste time with someone who is simply using you and not being honest about it. We've all been there. Again, welcome to the site.

 

[islander]

Thank you. Are you saying that in my case this is not a " being played" situation?
Again the FWB is mutual. I'm being 100% honest. I have no more to give than this at this time.
He is a big boy (in his 50's) and I don't think I need to worry about making a decision for him, as many of us women do.
I was married for 24 years. Recently divorced so time is what I want. But don't wanna go without!
As far as committed we are to what we have now.

 

[CUSP82]

Since you both know the ground rules what could be wrong? One note of caution, sometimes as time goes by one may develope feelings for the other. I find it hard to believe that a guy can continually screw a woman for months without beginning to feel something more than just "affection" for the woman and we know how shallow guys are! It may end up being worse for the woman when and if she starts to develope" feelings". I waould be watchful of such an occurence because that's when people get hurt!

 

[mistydawn]

As long as both know the situation I see nothing wrong. Sometimes people have heard the other person say it is only sex but they still have feelings for the person and believe they will come around. When one has feelings and the other KNOWS yet keeps sleeping with them, that is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Cusp...My best male friend a guy can keep screwing a woman and not have feelings for her. I know he can.

 

[TTBB]

You have ground rules or an understanding established .. but it is something that needs to be revisited and discussed as time goes by .. where you start in relationships doesn't always stop .. at this point the two of you might be on the same page but in a couple months things could be different ... just keep the lines of communication open.

And also be careful not to confuse your wishes or desires for the relationship for how he is feeling or viewing things.. guys(and some women) tend to do this, they go into relationships saying" i just want sex i have expressed that is what i am about and she is on the same page" ..but the reality is the woman is suppressing how she really feels .. and is just settling for the terms that she has been presented with...hoping that it will grow into what she really wants...the view being its better to have part of what is desired then nothing at all.

 

[CUSP82]

Not all men are like that. Some do have a heart! I judge no one but I know that I couldn't. Somewhere when I was sharing with a woman all that intimate stuff I'd just melt!

 

[mistydawn]

..but the reality is the woman is suppressing how she really feels .. and is just settling for the terms that she has been presented with...hoping that it will grow into what she really wants...the view being its better to have part of what is desired then nothing at all.

Oh yeah...been in that situation a few times. It sucks. That is what I meant when I said the guy knows she has feelings and keeps screwing her. Wrong!

 

[TTBB]

and some women become so jaded, cynical and hurt that they think that's all they are worthy of... disappointment, heartbreak, abuse can lead woman down a path that involves putting up a wall that they aren't always aware of .. a mental barrier is created where they don't think they deserve to have emotions attached to them.. sex makes them feel desired and that is safe for them .. having emotions involved is not safe..
some men find themselves in the same position too .. but it doesn't mean they don't want more then sex..it just means that trust has to be established before they can allow themselves to put themselves back into a position of feeling vulnerable.

 

[Pirate]

Islander, Welcome aboard!

 

[dsmall]

There are guys (and girls) who are capable of a FWB relationship; and guys that aren't. And this is not something that you can work or figure out for him. He may even tell you, "hey, I know the ground rules and all that, but he may fall in love with you, or want more than a FWB relationship.

There are no guarantees in life. If he invests in a FWB with his eyes open and full disclosure, he can't complain if he later wants to change the terms of the relationship, and you want to keep them as they are. IMHO, you are not playing him, if you are honest up front.

But that doesn't mean that either or both of you may not get hurt in this relationship. Unfortunately, that's life. With life comes risks; again, in my opinion, with regard to relationships, it is the risk not taken that is far more haunting later in life, then the risk that didn't pay off.

If you recently came out of a 24 year marriage, then it is natural that you don't want to jump right into another committed relationship. But understand, that there is no "guy' archetype. We are as different as women. There are guys who can't disconnect sex from other feelings that rush through. Whether it is love, or misunderstood lust is hard to say. But yes, there are guys who will need to internalize physical sex or change it into something else, which means that he might get hurt

But here, you are responsible for your own feelings, and responsible to be reasonably honest. I say reasonably honest because it is clear that you are not sharing feelings to the same extent, and the idea that you owe him a running play by play of all your feelings and motives at every second is simply not realistic. You've set the stage. You want a physical relationship and need a friendship, but don't want to be in a situation where it gets confused as being something more. What else can you do? When you are ready to move on to a keeper, you probably should share this new feeling; and end the FWB. Unless you are really capable of a great deal of compartmentalization, it is difficult to have an ongoing physical intimate relationship and open yourself up to another type of intimate relationship with somebody else, and both guys will get hurt if there is some overlap. IOW, it will be tough for the keeper who you are trying to move slow with and get to know to reconcile the fact that you are spending hours in bed getting well laid by your Fuck buddy, and tough for the fuck buddy to reconcile that you are going to spend hours in bed fucking him, and then go out to dinner and talk with the prospective keeper.

If you do try and string both along for some time, then in my opinion, you are playing both guys. Unfortunately, love sometimes happens even if you have the best of intentions and motivations. Your fuck buddy, for all his understanding, is not a vibrator that you can just put away and forget about when you meet the keeper. Try and have some separation between the two.

 

[Pirate]

Anyone remember the old song "Lust to Love" by the Go-Gos?

 

[islander]

Thanks. If and when I meet a keeper I would end the FWB.
Thanks so much for everyones welcome and point of view!!

 

[mistydawn]

Thanks. If and when I meet a keeper I would end the FWB.
Thanks so much for everyones welcome and point of view!!

I am with a guy that isn't a keeper either. A real relationship would not work. I understand where you are at. Good luck.

 

[phil88]

I let him talk/vent (I rarely do that with him however), cuddle and all that. But the hours we spend with each other and the sexting is fantastic. Great time in my life and he concurs. Safe for him emotionally I hope. Thoughts?

How often does this happen? If he is this comfortable with you at the very least he has feelings for you even if he wont admit its anything more then sex. Humoring a person never works for long, eventually you get tired of it and you'll drop your caring front for a moment and hell see though you. Even the most ignorant of people can see that they are being humored.

Be sure to let him know when you do meet that keeper, if you plan on continuing. Do it when you meet him, not after deciding if you are sure about the keeper. At least do him the courtesy of letting him know, hell most likely want to keep seeing you regardless, and he most likely will respect you more for your honesty. It really is that trust issue that makes men seem so screwed up.

 

[spanky]

I want nothing more than FWB these days, and have no problem making that clear - sensitively of course, as I know others might not come to terms with that quite so easily. Thing is this a recent change of heart for me, I'm just not in a place where I want "a relationship" right now. I'm not damaged goods or hurt, and I've had some fantastic committed relationships in the past with people I still hold dear, I just don't want that commitment at the moment.

The reason I'm chiming in just to make the point that a person isn't "this way" or "that", people change all the time, but just as with a close relationship, keeping lines of communication wide open at all times is the single most important thing when sex is involved otherwise people get hurt. I mean I'm sure you both have *some* feelings for each other or you wouldn't be doing it, right? All the more reason to keep those cards on the table, maybe even deliberately create some situations to keep some safe distance. Not loads, that's gonna freak the other out, I just mean make an effort to keep any sense of duty at bay.

Just my 2p

 

[spanky]

... when you do meet that keeper ... hell most likely want to keep seeing you regardless.

Please don't do this

 

[islander]

Yes we care for each other. We have been trusted friends for a decade. I just never "saw" him in any other way. I was married.
He offered it to me when he learned i was considering someone else.
He is not an emotional man. He is a bad boy, which I am extremely attracted to.
But bad boys are not the right guys for me. Until I am clear on giving real men a shot I am not ready to date.
He would do anything for me and has. As I would him.
Friends.
Again not a keeper. Not emotional. Since I'm not emotional now either it's perfect.

Every time we are together is several hours of romping. It's great.
Yes he talks all the time but that is normal for us. He talks I listen. I never needed him for that and still don't. So nothing new there.

I do realize however that when you have a great friendship and then great sex it's hard to deny that could become a great relationship.
He is much older however, not someone that has lived a life to be proud of.
I live a happy successful life. We are complete opposites in that area. I live my life. He hides from it.

But damn he is a great lover, a great person with and to me ( not with others) and doesn't need a penny from me! Lol

I will make sure we keep communicating. I just don't want to rack up a sex partner score card. We have rules. No one in our town or family knows.
It's a private matter. Thanks so much. Clearly the key is to communicate and have mutual respect. We have that and I will continue it!

 

[spanky]

Sounds like you have a great thing going on there for now, and you're obviously smart enough to keep perspective. More power to you .

I know what you mean about a scorecard (I think), but you wouldn't go to a friend's party, have a good time, only to go up to them later and say sorry, but I went to a much better party last month! Besides, all the sexual partners I've had with any personality have been unique in their own way because it was about them and me, so saying one is better than another is a kind of artificial measure anyway IMO.

The way I see it, everything we do is an experience, another step along the road that makes us who we are, and every step, every turning brings its own pleasures to bear. It's a fool who becomes blinded by experiences past and fails to savour the experience in front of them as a result.

Lol.. make of that what you will!