Old Wounds.…

[Led_Dikkin]

My wife had some relationship issues about ten years ago that caused us to split and she moved out. Her move was sudden, and a surprise while I was at work. We didn't talk for about six weeks, during this time she was living with another man. After the six weeks we were seeing eachother again for about a month, then all of the sudden she doesn't want to talk anymore. A month later I get a text from her that she's six weeks pregnant. I had DNA test and the kid is mine. I drive down to pick her up and take her home. We get married two months later and have been happy.

Now after all this time I have a couple triggers to remind me of the situation and its been consuming me. We do some talking and her story now is way different from what she told me then. She swears there was nothing going on between them before she left, and she didn't leave me for him. She also says the second time, she lived with family and not him. The reason she left the second time according to her is she found out she was pregnant and was scared.
What bothers me is before she left her phone would go off at odd hours and once while trying to ask for sex she told me to get off of her using his name. They hung out quite a bit and worked together for a bit as he was a friend of her uncle. When she went to the hospital to get her pregnancy test, she used his address. When I picked her up after I found out. He was down there. Is it coincidence, or is she lying to me after all this time. Does it really matter?
I'm not sure if I am more upset over what happened or if I'm not sure she's being truthful. I want to make these thoughts go away, I don't know how. What reason does she have to lie now? It was ten years ago before we were married. I just don't know.

 

[Glamissand1]

10 yrs ago, drop it or you will eat yourself alive. Push those thoughts out before they become a train of thought. Do you love her, does she love you? Are you feeling neglected and are trying to find a reason? Dont ask her it may make you feel worse, just go love your wife and know she is yours now and forever.

 

[Sean Jacobs]

Speaking from experience I will say 2 things.
First, if your gut is telling you something isn't right/doesn't make sense...then you are probably right. Your subconscious picks up on thing that your conscious mind doesn't really want to know.
Second, once a lie, about something serious, most people will never admit it was a lie (or ever tell the truth) until they have absolutely no choice. Telling the truth puts them in a position where they have too much to lose, continuing to lie has a much better chance to have things remain the way there are.

My ex cheated on me repeatedly, and after lots of counseling I know these things to be true.

The question you have to ask yourself is, Does it matter? If you are happy now, try to just let it go. Forgive her and don't ask any questions.

 

[Dontrike]

If you truly think that something is wrong now then all you can do is for the both of you to talk, explain to her what has been going on in your head lately and maybe something will come to light or you can get some things off your shoulders that has been bothering you. Maybe all you need is reassuring, but holding this stuff in is definitely not going to help.

Of course you need to realize that if there are some secrets that you don't know and if you find out about them because of your thoughts and concerns and you do not like them then you are going to have to deal with those as well.

 

[ino]

I have another angle that must be considered: That your wife may believe that what she is telling is what has occurred in her past. Memory is not conclusive. It changes and can also be falsified. And especially if something feels shameful, the defense mechanism of the mind can supress and change a memory as for the person to be able to cope.

I know people who do not lie, but within a very short time can change a story. Not due to some Alzheimer, but to some mental mechanism. I see it as a part of their personality.

We perceive mutual experiences differently. Even when we think we perceive the same things objectively, I consider it that often we agree to how the reality is. Because of the fallacy of the mind and memory, I tend to think that the philosophic new agy statement that we create our own reality is rather a true one.

I don't know whether I should agree to the above or not about whether you should leave the issue or pursue it. Though if I was you, I would rather not put a lot of emphasis on the past (what your wife tells now of her memory of past), but instead look for signs and pointers in present time if you are worried about unfaithfulness.

 

[CaptainJohnson]

I have another angle that must be considered: That your wife may believe that what she is telling is what has occurred in her past. Memory is not conclusive. It changes and can also be falsified. And especially if something feels shameful, the defense mechanism of the mind can supress and change a memory as for the person to be able to cope.

I know people who do not lie, but within a very short time can change a story. Not due to some Alzheimer, but to some mental mechanism. I see it as a part of their personality.

We perceive mutual experiences differently. Even when we think we perceive the same things objectively, I consider it that often we agree to how the reality is. Because of the fallacy of the mind and memory, I tend to think that the philosophic new agy statement that we create our own reality is rather a true one.

I don't know whether I should agree to the above or not about whether you should leave the issue or pursue it. Though if I was you, I would rather not put a lot of emphasis on the past (what your wife tells now of her memory of past), but instead look for signs and pointers in present time if you are worried about unfaithfulness.

This. +1

Also, its been 10 years man. Its no longer her issue, its yours. Figure out how to work it out, and maybe get some therapy. You have had a great time together since this problem occurred, and it has been a long time. Don't dig old graves just to smell the rot.

If problems such as this are persistent, 10 years later, then maybe its time to review your relationship together, have a talk, and try marriage counselling. If there are no outstanding issues, deal with your problem, because it is not hers anymore.

 

[Qarzan]

Her story makes sense. She got pregnant, freaked and left. Got a pregnancy test and had the results mailed to her new address. This all seems normal.

Maybe the guy she stayed with was always hitting on her, and she got used to rejecting him...?

But yes, all this was 10 years ago. Even in a court of law, you cannot bring up past convictions from more than 10 years ago. Let it go.

 

[Led_Dikkin]

I know it was a long time ago, and damn her family for bringing it up. It does still sting when I think of it. I try not to, I've just been having a real difficult time making this go away. I think I need to forgive her. She was 18 and our life was fucked up at that point with a lot of outside issues. This has brought out a lot of insecurities in me as well, and the thought of her being with another man kills me. I just wish I could have the complete true story and close that chapter for good.

 

[Sean Jacobs]

I know it was a long time ago, and damn her family for bringing it up. It does still sting when I think of it. I try not to, I've just been having a real difficult time making this go away. I think I need to forgive her. She was 18 and our life was fucked up at that point with a lot of outside issues. This has brought out a lot of insecurities in me as well, and the thought of her being with another man kills me. I just wish I could have the complete true story and close that chapter for good.

Trust me, having the complete true story won't make thing any better. Let me ask you, if she admitted to sleeping with the other guy 10 years ago, would you have forgiven her and taken her back? If the answer is yes, forgive her now and find a way to let it go.

 

[Lance85]

Trust me, having the complete true story won't make thing any better. Let me ask you, if she admitted to sleeping with the other guy 10 years ago, would you have forgiven her and taken her back? If the answer is yes, forgive her now and find a way to let it go.

If the answer is no and you wouldn't have forgave her and took her back ... then what?!

 

[Sean Jacobs]

If the answer is no and you wouldn't have forgave her and took her back ... then what?!

If I am truly happy with her now, and with our situation, I would still forgive her and find a way to let it go.

If I am not happy...then it is time to consider making a life change.

 

[Led_Dikkin]

I knew she had sex with this guy, I'm questioning when they hooked up. I think I can handle that, it hurts more that she fucked him to begin with and had been with someone besides me.

 

[Led_Dikkin]

Either way its a bad scene in my head. Either she was fucking around and left me for him, or she just fucking hooked up with this scumbag after a couple of weeks. Neither situation gives me butterflies. I need to figure out how to let this go. I wish I could just erase this time of my life. As much as I love her, I wonder if I made the right decision taking her back twice. I really do believe she is my soulmate, but I can't shake what she did back then and it really opens up some ugly insecurities.

 

[billywilliams]

I think you deserve better treatment then this. Once someone cheats things can not be the same. I don't think this fixable because it could happen again. If you like message me and we can chat.

 

[4Samson]

I think you deserve better treatment then this. Once someone cheats things can not be the same. I don't think this fixable because it could happen again. If you like message me and we can chat.

Given the time that has passed I would think it would be best to just let it go but perhaps that is why he can't let it go. There is a difference between her leaving him and sleeping with someone else while separated (not cheating) and her cheating on him while they were together and leaving him for another man. I don't think you have enough evidence to know which one it is.

 

[Dontrike]

Either way its a bad scene in my head. Either she was fucking around and left me for him, or she just fucking hooked up with this scumbag after a couple of weeks. Neither situation gives me butterflies. I need to figure out how to let this go. I wish I could just erase this time of my life. As much as I love her, I wonder if I made the right decision taking her back twice. I really do believe she is my soulmate, but I can't shake what she did back then and it really opens up some ugly insecurities.

Now if she broke up with you hooked up with him after a few weeks why should that bother you? Now I would probably be the same as you if that ever happened to me, but say that it was you that hooked up with someone during that time as well, do you think she has the same insecurities? There are a lot of things I too wish I didn't remember, but this is something that must be dealt with for your families sake and, most importantly, yours. You feel cheated, note: not cheated on, because of what happened during this crazy time.

You need to let this go in some way that you forget it or that it no longer bothers you. Really sit down with yourself, watch her and your family, look back at your time together, really sit down and took with her, and look to see if these insecurities you have are real, if they are worries from long ago that you didn't deal with then, or if something is truly wrong.

 

[Led_Dikkin]

If she wasn't cheating on me then, to leave a committed relationship and jump right into another mans bed? Just to leave and have sex with another man, if not before she left? I don't know how to handle this. Should I keep this bottled in or talk to her and try and get the truth?

 

[Glamissand1]

Look at the life you have in front of you. Do you wish this to change or be torn apart? The past is done and gone forgive her for what she may have done. We all make bad mistakes. Forgive her because she is your wife and soulmate. Forgive her because you need to clear your mind. Tell yourself its done and gone, she was young and dumb, She made the right choice to be with you. Don't go dragging skeletons out off the closet unless your ready to deal with them.

 

[Led_Dikkin]

No, I wouldn't change the present for anything. The past is done, but it doesn't hurt any less. I do need to forgive her, but for what? I think I'm looking for some closure, and to know what I'm forgiving. I still have days where it breaks my heart, and on the same token rips me apart to know that there was a lot of outside influence that caused our problems, and that I really don't want two months to define a 15 year relationship. She is my first and only love, and to think at one time I was disposable and she could easily give herself to another kills me inside. Is the truth worth knowing? Assuming she would be willing to give me the truth. I wish I could just move on and be happy, but this keeps playing in my head. I can't be around certain members of her family without getting flashbacks, and wondering if she could do it again. I can't shake the questions, did she cheat? did she leave me for him? did she leave me for him again? was it for the sex, or did she love him? Why? I really don't know if I'm hung up on the past or scared that she will do it again. Does she really love me, do I satisfy her? Or, is she with me because i provide for her and our kids and she is comfotableWe got married less than three months after she left me the second time and less than six months before she was fucking someone else. I married her to try and keep her from leaving, did she marry me because she loves me or because she was pregnant? She has gained a lot of weight and now we are working out and I'm scared for her to lose it and go back to her flirty ways.

 

[Glamissand1]

Instead of worrying, go be the best husband you can be. Be proactive in your marrage, lose your self doubt in your great treatment to her. Be the lover protector provider she needs.