Jump start a dead libido?

[longrodten]

The key is the positive memories have to be sufficient enough to overwelm your period of poor performance. 6 months is a number, sufficiently large but not too small. If you got 5 months and 29 days in of continuing and positive sexual experiences, one bad night you would laught at! You KNOW that you are good by this time.

We all know one week won't do it, one month just isn't enough, three months of success being in your right mind, close, 6 months of successful experiences, will remind you that you can perform and you will have enough density of success in it for the future that a bad experience will not take away from your thick base of confidence.

It's just a number. If you could get three consecutive years of continuing improving confidence in your performance and sex drive follws it that would be great, a bad week or two would not even both you. You'd probably go take a nap and not worry about it.

Many of our problems is anxiety and getting caught in a bad feedback loop "my sex drive is low", "or I hope my dick stays up", "how do I measure up", and once you think about it your screwed.

I'm learning about this the hardest way possible, had it done to me and have to overcome it. Like I said, my previous ex tore me down on purpose, all day every day for years... It was done to hurt me. But what's really cool is now I understand how the confidence works and how to build it on purpose.

I also learned that females will attack your penis, not because it couldn't do the job or it's small, but it was a most vulnerable area on your psyche. They can see that spirit leave your body right away when they issue that comment.

That same attack has been tried on my by my recent gf who subconsciously was probably trying to keep us "even" as my confidence is building doing even the simplest sex tasks, and she tried to downgrade my cock by an inch and a half.... I told her, its always at least 8.25" measured on a ruler and has been so for several years. No fade in my confidence what soever, I didn't even get angry. I recognized the attack, and boy that attack seems simple these days. She let it go and we are going to be fine.

Anyway on my "6 months goal of confidence", I would get as many sessions in as possible, NO PRESSURE, fun, make her feel good, make YOU feel good.

Also like many have said. A relationship parther who admires you and loves to complement you helps TONS. I had no idea it could make such a difference.

 

[litopita]

The key is the positive memories have to be sufficient enough to overwelm your period of poor performance. 6 months is a number, sufficiently large but not too small. If you got 5 months and 29 days in of continuing and positive sexual experiences, one bad night you would laught at! You KNOW that you are good by this time.

Positive memories cant erase a bad memory. The bad memory will always be there. You think 6 months is long enough? What about men who get problems after 20 years of successful marriage/sex with lots of successful "memories" but just ONE recent failure after a drink too many? 20 years much longer than 6 months. You dont get over bad memories by stacking up good ones. You just learn not to let that bad memory make you anxious because ultimately, its the anxiety that causes problems, nothing else. Whether you do that in one day, one week, one month is irrelevant.

We all know one week won't do it, one month just isn't enough

Again, how did you come up with that figure? Has nothing to do with "durations". Remind me of the 90 day rebooters.

Many of our problems is anxiety and getting caught in a bad feedback loop

Finally, you mention what its all about. ANXIETY. Do you know that Beyonce after years of top performance still gets anxious?

I'm learning about this the hardest way possible

Thought so...

I told her, its always at least 8.25" measured on a ruler and has been so for several years. No fade in my confidence what soever

This is a conflicting statement. If there was no fade in confidence you would not need to "remind" her of your penis length because you are already content with who you are. I "think" i have a 6 inch penis (i say think cause have never bothered getting a ruler to measure my penis) though i dont "care" what any woman told me what she "thinks" of my penis. Confidence is connected to self image my friend

Anyway I am not trying to bash you or anything. Most of the premise of what you are suggesting is true so if you are doing this for your issue then you might get over your Sexual Performance Anxiety (That's what its called). It's just the setting of DURATIONS that I dont believe in because SPA and ED in general is a very relative issue.

I see you are new so you might not have read some of my posts on here otherwise am one of the biggest noisemakers on this issue with a number of other guys. Follow this thread to see our prior discussions.

Cheers

 

[longrodten]

litopita,

I was just giving you a braindump in how it works for me. So all the comments that I gave where true and factual for me.

My GF's unconscious stab at me is my educated guess was to get me to back up on my confidence, I never advertised a length to her, she asked previously and then tried to get me to "back up" is what I presume. I calmly said what I told you and it doesn't even matter. I know the best sex is with someone who really cares about you.

You can't erase bad memories, but you can mimize them and some of us are able to forget them completely or only draw on them for our own good. Many of us waste too much time on the negative or things we can't change or control, I've identified that and was hoping to get people to focus on new and posiitve memories.

In my case looking forward and new positive memories, minimizes the negative memories from the past over time. In time these events, these bad memories are very "small" compared to your current reality. I really would like to hash and bang on this for a while and even belittle my post as we work out a system for building rock solid confidence.

It's no reason to defend myself here, I think we can all benefit from figuring this thing completely out.

And hello to you all, I know I'm new on this forum.

Actually, I hear you on don't "put a number to it", that you will be able to resolve anxiety in a particular issue whenever it is that you are able to do it, no sooner and non later. That is something to keep in mind.

 

[litopita]

litopita,

I was just giving you a braindump in how it works for me. So all the comments that I gave where true and factual for me.

I guess that is better when you clarify "for you". Some of your earlier statements about the duration seemed universal and dogma. Like I said before, everything is relative in ED.

My GF's unconscious stab at me is my educated guess was to get me to back up on my confidence, I never advertised a length to her, she asked previously and then tried to get me to "back up" is what I presume. I calmly said what I told you and it doesn't even matter. I know the best sex is with someone who really cares about you.

One of the common signs of someone with low self image/confidence is they always try to "defend" themselves in an attempt to "validate" themselves before the audience and get their "approval". As long as you care so much what someone thinks of you, you will always suffer from a confidence issue. In our case, as long as we care so much what the woman "thinks" of our size, we suffer from anxiety which breeds flight response from the brain which breeds "limp dick".

You can't erase bad memories, but you can mimize them and some of us are able to forget them completely or only draw on them for our own good. Many of us waste too much time on the negative or things we can't change or control, I've identified that and was hoping to get people to focus on new and posiitve memories.

The thing with memory is that we CANT control memory. The brain brings forward what it feels is relevant at that specific time e.g a past sexual failure when its time for sex. What we can control is perception and reaction, how we decide to react to the memory. Whether to get anxious (which means limp dick) or whether to brush it aside and refocus our perception.

Otherwise many things you said are true like having a caring partner, low pressure situations e.t.c Its just setting durations which can be counter productive or plain useless. Just go with the flow. In my profession as a male psychotherapist I have seen guys brush off a failure in the next encounter and never look back while I have seen ONE failure end up wrecking an entire marriage and family. Am not lying . So its all relative for different men. Otherwise you look determined so I know you will get passed any problems.

Cheers.

 

[longrodten]

Your a psycho therapist and I know you can tell I'm rather technical about all of this. For the rest of the men/(women) out here, I found it's easiest to "forget" about bad memories by concentrating on something else. Set some goals and actively accomplish them.

Bad memories and thoughts will eventually be seen as unproductive thought, and you will learn to just not do it. It takes time.

Oh, and the gf admitted her "unconscious stab" was really her not realizing how long it was due to the thickness... But many women will make a "stab" at you this way because they know it works and is immediate leverage...

Over time the bad memories will be learning experiences and conversations and thoughts to not entertain. You will know.

So I get this crafting your self image, strengthening it, allowing certain outside feedback to not soil it, etc. Cutting negative people, places and things out of your mental loops where you can.

I've read about and been forced to work myself out of a tough social/family situation for the past six years, so I've done plenty of reading and thought on the matter.

I am able to put together a nearly pristine self image, and my sex in the sack was always great because I've known from a kid that it's not all about me, you gotta pleasure the female...

The only thing I'm having a issue with these days... Is when I have to interact with someone who thinks lowly of me or I'm not close to one of their favorites or who likes to cast dirt in me, how the hell do I not let them affect my psyche without having to say "fuck you" in my mind. One of the things they do good against me is "not to listen" or "pay attention", I don't really want to do this if it's going to cost me, but I want a good way of dealing with this.

Anyway my issue caused me to pick up the bible, to read books such as "Psychocybernetics", "Six pillars of self esteem", etc, etc. To be a significant contributor on several marriage and divorce busting forums....

I welcome any direction you can post to me about putting together a rock solid self confidence or intentially programming myself.

Another note, it seems that things worst best when I'm calm. But I have found some tricks using stress to my advantage having gone through all the crap, but for the most of us stress really is the devil to be avoided.

Out of all of this discussion some common problems us PE'ers have is reduced sex drive or interest, ED, PE or porn caused skew of sexual performance or body dysmorphia. We need rather short mental procedures to reverse any of these.

 

[litopita]

Well with all the reading you have done am sure most of what I would tell you about image and confidence you have already read or heard. However, with validation issues, the best question is always to ask why you care what that person thinks of you? Do you get something from them e.g money from your boss. Do you think they are too good to be with you e.g super hot girlfriend. The reason they dont pay attention to you is because they dont care what you think while you on the other hand care so much and would be happy to get their approval. The question is why? It usually takes time to step back and evaluate yourself and who you are. The concepts of existentialism and individualism usually come into mind. The "Me First" attitude. When people learn to put themselves and their needs first they tend to care less what people think of them and they can laugh at abuses.

 

[longrodten]

I got there. I was in a pattern, I was able to observe when I stepped back that I was going through other peoples games. Being invalidated and trying to obtain it. I don't do it anymore.

Now before I got through my "social problem" that got me into this thought in the first place, I never had a problem with it. The ex I went through the bad relationship helped get me onto some negative mental tracks. But without going through that mess I'm not sure I could be as much of a hard charging goal obtaining machine that I can do today.

I hear you on the relationships and wondering if "you are good enough", it should never be done. Some of us thought like this from the start, and others of us like me simply went through a process that stripped our esteem down and we literally "forgot".

Quite a few of my friends got into a "me first" narcissistic viewpoint in our fight, that you really can't do nothing with but worry about yourself. That was a tough one too. Today I'm fine, I have plenty to get done and now that I'm not wasting time with people who don't spend it on me, my full capabilities are not hampered.

I'm thankful that you are responding to me, and there's alot of tricks I got up my sleeve from going through all this crap, but some of it I want to tighten up and learn more.

I feel you at the "laugh" at abuses. Obviously it's not an overly prideful or fighting spirit that does it, but one that literally is "unaffectted" by such petty behavior.

I need to get better at wearing "different hats" and changing them when necessary.

Thanks for the discussion.

Have a good day.

 

[longrodten]

I was thinking as a result of our discussion. Mental processes which will allow us to :

1. Produce a good self image as a male and for the sex act.
2. Remove or eliminate contamination and weakening of sexual desire in the real sex act as a result of porn and/or masterbation
3. Remove any doubt in mind and negative feedback of percieved sex organ inferiority, no matter what your size is
4. Remove any negative feedback loops which result in ED, a constructive thought process to follow if the brain gets on the wrong track.
5. I wouldn't mind getting hard on demand, IE: greater than stripper control of the penis
6. I wouldn't mind orgasming on demand, without touching. I've heard of it, it's not common but if you can do this you have total control
7. For PE, sometimes we feel small as we strive towards our goal. Which is fine, it does help the motivation, but when it's time how to release this thought and change our self view of our penis to one that's realistic, and if it helps your psyche to even see it as the best cock in the world.

 

[Koh]

Care to share these tips and tricks to get into the "Me" mindset, so I'm not so focused on others views of me?

 

[longrodten]

Koh,

Like PE, it's not going to happen overnight. Keep in mind, a "Me" mindset is not going to be the best place to be for everything, but for what you use it for it's extremely powerful.

 

[Koh]

I'm aware. I have common sense, I'm just tired of letting it hold me back in say pursuing social relationships, and meeting new people. I went to a beach yesterday, a beautiful one full of attractive ladies. And I didn't talk to anyone.... wasted $20, and 2 hours of a drive, to what: lay down on the beach for about 2 hours? I did not like that.

 

[litopita]

The points laid out above are good summaries for the task ahead except 5 and 6 which still show a deep rooted "fear" of judgment and need for "control". A confident person should have no need to be in control, that's where confidence and narcissism are different. If you are confident you should have no problem walking around your woman with a flaccid dick or even letting your dick go flaccid during sex or foreplay.

Confidence stems from the common saying "believe in yourself". Most guys dont fully grasp this concept of self belief. Believe in something about yourself even if you logically know its not true. The mind processes logic and emotion differently. For example believe you are the most handsome guy in the room even if you know you have loads of pimples. If they asked the most handsome person to stand up, most guys would fear. For you you would stand up. They would laugh at you and you would turn and ask them what they are laughing at. You are the most handsome person in the room. Thats what you KNOW and its funny that they are laughing.

@Koh The "Me First" attitude can best be demonstrated in alpha males in animals. The alpha wants to fuck the female then eat the food. It is his. And because he acts like it, the rest of the pack actually believes it. Don't ask for permission where it regards you and your needs or money. Read more on being alpha. But its much wider than that so am not going to write an essay on here i might get banned

 

[Koh]

So basically repeated, emotional felt affirmations could help me get in that mindset? Say doing these affirmations everyday in the mirror? Some days, I feel in zone, not caring what others think, doing what I want to do. Then others, like yesterday, I reverted back to my antisocial ways.