Okay, to preface things....I am drunk, and very angry right now. I am not telling you to take this with a grain of salt, as there is a lot of honesty here, but it will probably read a lot harsher to me in the morning then it does at the moment, when the cobwebs begin to clear.
I'm trying to figure out what to do. I can't help but feel resentment towards her, because if she had just not said anything, I would still have those blissful loving feelings towards her. Didn't she know any better? Whatever the reason, she has changed the way I look at her forever. For instance, I was trying to look at some pictures of her today, but then was immediately reminded of how there are very different pictures of her....and it pissed me off so much that I couldn't look at her pictures anymore.
The thing that makes this so awful is that I REALLY likes this girl. Big time. Like, I was borderline, "drop everything and run away with her". Too bad. I'm supposed to get on a bus to see her at the farm....she's telling me how she's so excited and how she's going to make hot-cocoa and we will have snowball fights and try out the new bedroom and bed, (She finished a bedroom in the old house for us) but I just know that when I see her walking towards me in the snow, instead of being a romantic moment, it's just going to be her with those feelings, and I can never have them again for her like I did.
I am not naive. I just watched, "The english patient", and THAT type of love is clearly illusory. If she hadn't of told me those things, we probably would have had personality conflicts and my feelings for her would dwindle, along with her feelings for me. It's natural for the flame to die. However, I wish it didn't die in that fashion, and so quickly.
I keep hoping that, upon being re-united after or three weeks off, that seeing her in person and being with her once more will change my mind, because I really want to be able to love her, but I doubt that that can happen. I guess I am not manly enough. My problem is that I am a romantic at heart, and I think that these days it is a terrible thing.
Even if women become romantic, they base it almost universally on the concept that sex is sex and love is love. There is somehow a difference, apparently. Women perpetuate this idea that no matter how much cock they've had, they are all somehow deserving of being loved. Well, only by chumpy beta male types I guess, cause I am not one of those weak-willed men. I won't have some guys sloppy-seconds. He can have MINE.
We men are supposed to be OKAY with the fact that virtually EVERY woman we will meet, date and be with has been pummeled in college by voluminous reams of man whores. We are supposed to be understanding and just accept the fact that women get to be all slutty and make "mistakes" when they are young, in the name of "finding themselves" or other such nonsense, and we are supposed to love them in spite of it. There is nothing wrong with women being slutty. They can do whatever they want. But they shouldn't think that there's always gonna be nice, good-looking guys for you to be with once the fun is over. No, sometimes that isn't an entitlement. No, us nice guys often have standards, and if we have even one-iota of game, we may not want a girl that made "mistakes". I know I don't.
I am not asking for a virgin. I am just asking for a woman that thinks of sex as somewhat special, not just "fun". I don't view it as that. Maybe that's my problem. I don't even care if they were in love or anything with their past partners - hell, if I had a vagina, I'd want some cock every once in a while too - but I just don't like the exploitation that they seem all-too willing to expose themselves to. More than that too, I hate the men that get to have all the fun and leave guys like me with their "left-overs". Those types of men may not be the best lovers, but they still got to fuck your woman and forget about her the next day. When I told her about how jealous I am of that guy that she slept with, she said, "but that type of man will never know love", news flash idiot.....he doesn't care. He doesn't need to know love when idiotic women like you will throw themselves at him all the time. Stupid bitch. There has to be a woman out there for me who hasn't let a douche-bag abuse her. If there is, I am going to find one and never let her go.
Needles to say, I am going to break up with her and find a woman who places more value on herself, her dignity and her body. This one may love me, but she made a huge mistake in divulging her "secret" to me. In thinking that we had some sort of special bond, she felt it necessary to tell me the ONE thing that would ruin our relationship. I wonder if she'll get a complex when I tell her WHY I am dumping her.
I have a slight logistical and ethical problem though....it is near christmas, and she has wanted to have a snowy north american christmas for years. She has no friends or family to stay with. Should I fake my way through the holidays with her, and endure having to look at her and be around her for the sake of her emotional health? Her flight home is on the 29th. I am supposed to go, but I can cancel my flight within 24 hours. Should I bring her to the airport and do it there? Gad, I have never broken up with a girl before. I don't know how to do it. How would you guys let her know?
