A Laugh for the Forum
- Thread starter JonPop
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A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who
had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows a little, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end
the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced
it to women."
had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows a little, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end
the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced
it to women."
JFPowertop
Retired Moderator
A balding, white haired man from Ft. Lauderdale in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'
'Oh, I know,' said the old man, "but I had a GREAT weekend!!!!"
See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile!
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'
'Oh, I know,' said the old man, "but I had a GREAT weekend!!!!"
See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile!
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Prostate exam
> Following note is from a British gentleman.
>
>
> Prostate exam
>
> After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on
> the National Health Service, I decided to have my next test carried out
> while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are more gentle
> and accommodating.
>
> As I laid naked on my side on the table, the nurse began the examination.
>
> "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an
> erection," said the nurse.
>
> "I haven't got an erection," I said.
>
> "No, but I have." replied the nurse.
>
> Moral: Don't have this procedure done in San Francisco!
>
> Following note is from a British gentleman.
>
>
> Prostate exam
>
> After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on
> the National Health Service, I decided to have my next test carried out
> while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are more gentle
> and accommodating.
>
> As I laid naked on my side on the table, the nurse began the examination.
>
> "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an
> erection," said the nurse.
>
> "I haven't got an erection," I said.
>
> "No, but I have." replied the nurse.
>
> Moral: Don't have this procedure done in San Francisco!
>
Unit
Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero
Two men walking their dogs on a hot summer day pass a bar. One guy says, "Lets go in and get a cold one." The other replies, "They won't let us bring our dogs into the bar and we can't leave them out here, animal control will get them." The first man says, "Follow my lead and we'll be sucking down cold brews in a minute."
The first man enters the bar still wearing his dark sunglasses and proceeds to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells him that dogs are not allowed in the bar. The man replies, "You don't seem to understand, this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender say, "That is a Doberman Pinscher." The man says, "You're right, smart, trainable and he's been working out great." The bartender conceded and was serving the first man a beer, When the second man walked in still wearing his dark sunglasses and asked for a beer.
The bartender takes one look a him and says, "So I guess you're going to try to tell me that your seeing eye dog is a Chihuahua." The owner say in an alarmed voice, "A Chihuahua, they sold me a fucking Chihuahua!"
The first man enters the bar still wearing his dark sunglasses and proceeds to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells him that dogs are not allowed in the bar. The man replies, "You don't seem to understand, this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender say, "That is a Doberman Pinscher." The man says, "You're right, smart, trainable and he's been working out great." The bartender conceded and was serving the first man a beer, When the second man walked in still wearing his dark sunglasses and asked for a beer.
The bartender takes one look a him and says, "So I guess you're going to try to tell me that your seeing eye dog is a Chihuahua." The owner say in an alarmed voice, "A Chihuahua, they sold me a fucking Chihuahua!"
Unit
Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero
Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....
You’re okay with it, because you get to watch sport and play on the Internet all night...
You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she’s going to have a monster hangover....
You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night....
You sigh in relief because it’s all in one piece....
You circle the car looking for dents and find none...
But....
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You’re okay with it, because you get to watch sport and play on the Internet all night...
You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she’s going to have a monster hangover....
You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night....
You sigh in relief because it’s all in one piece....
You circle the car looking for dents and find none...
But....
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Dictionary for women's personal ads
Adventurous.................Slept with all your mates
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking...............Has a face like an arse
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Educated...................Was fucked to bits at Uni"
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist..........................................Fat
40-ish.............................................49
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former slut
Fun..........................................Annoying
Gentle...........................................Dull
Good Listener................................Autistic
Large lady.................................Hugely Fat
New-Age............................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned..........................No BJs or anal
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Poet.......................................Depressive
Professional....................................Bitch
Romantic.......................................Frigid
Social.....................Fanny like a clowns pocket
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
Widow........................................Murderer
Adventurous.................Slept with all your mates
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking...............Has a face like an arse
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Educated...................Was fucked to bits at Uni"
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist..........................................Fat
40-ish.............................................49
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former slut
Fun..........................................Annoying
Gentle...........................................Dull
Good Listener................................Autistic
Large lady.................................Hugely Fat
New-Age............................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned..........................No BJs or anal
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Poet.......................................Depressive
Professional....................................Bitch
Romantic.......................................Frigid
Social.....................Fanny like a clowns pocket
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
Widow........................................Murderer
Unit
Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero
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and the other side of that joke.
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN’S PERSONAL ADS:
Man………………………………..Slut
Photos…………………………….Anticipate duplicity, usually of subject 10, 15, 20 years ago
29…………………………………..40 but thinks he looks 29
35…………………………………..45 dyes his hair
40…………………………………..60 dyes his hair, has penile implant
30’s…………………………………45 in search of an 18 year old
40’s…………………………………55 slut
Adventurous......................Gets up in the morning, sleeps with anyone or anything
A Few Extra Pounds………..Waddles, looks very pregnant
Athletic.............................Walks up the stairs, but only if the elevator is broken
Average looking.................Fat, looks 4 to 9 months pregnant
Divorced………………………….For good reason: shallow, self absorbed SOB
Handsome.........................Shallow & self absorbed, uses photo that is 20 years old
Emotionally Secure.............On medication
Financially Secure...............Cheap
Free spirit...........................Takes the bus, lives in a shoe box, sleeps on a bare mattress on the floor
Friendship first....................Emotionally insecure, penile challenged
Gentleman……………………….Penile challenged, minute man, lies about age
Intelligent………………………..High school drop out
New-Age............................Feminine
Old-fashioned.....................Hates women
Open-minded......................Slut, will have sex with anyone or thing
Oral………………………………….Penile challenged, minute man
Outgoing.............................Loud and Embarrassing slut
Professional.........................Shallow **stard
Single………………………………..Married and sleazing
Separated………………………….What the wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her
Slim…………………………………..In denial, horny liar
Staminia…………………………….On Viagara or cilis
Stocky.................................Very Fat horny liar
Tall……………………………………Slut, arrogant
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat horny liar
Long Time Single……………….Gay and in denial or Penile challenged or Minute Man
Wants Soul mate..................Horny liar
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN’S PERSONAL ADS:
Man………………………………..Slut
Photos…………………………….Anticipate duplicity, usually of subject 10, 15, 20 years ago
29…………………………………..40 but thinks he looks 29
35…………………………………..45 dyes his hair
40…………………………………..60 dyes his hair, has penile implant
30’s…………………………………45 in search of an 18 year old
40’s…………………………………55 slut
Adventurous......................Gets up in the morning, sleeps with anyone or anything
A Few Extra Pounds………..Waddles, looks very pregnant
Athletic.............................Walks up the stairs, but only if the elevator is broken
Average looking.................Fat, looks 4 to 9 months pregnant
Divorced………………………….For good reason: shallow, self absorbed SOB
Handsome.........................Shallow & self absorbed, uses photo that is 20 years old
Emotionally Secure.............On medication
Financially Secure...............Cheap
Free spirit...........................Takes the bus, lives in a shoe box, sleeps on a bare mattress on the floor
Friendship first....................Emotionally insecure, penile challenged
Gentleman……………………….Penile challenged, minute man, lies about age
Intelligent………………………..High school drop out
New-Age............................Feminine
Old-fashioned.....................Hates women
Open-minded......................Slut, will have sex with anyone or thing
Oral………………………………….Penile challenged, minute man
Outgoing.............................Loud and Embarrassing slut
Professional.........................Shallow **stard
Single………………………………..Married and sleazing
Separated………………………….What the wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her
Slim…………………………………..In denial, horny liar
Staminia…………………………….On Viagara or cilis
Stocky.................................Very Fat horny liar
Tall……………………………………Slut, arrogant
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat horny liar
Long Time Single……………….Gay and in denial or Penile challenged or Minute Man
Wants Soul mate..................Horny liar
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yes ...that male decode is an example of what happens when males treat women like sh*t and you are left with bitter and hurt women(assuming it was written by a female).
this version of the male decode i think is funnier.
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish: 59.
Adventurous: Slept with everything (including the neighbours dog and my ex wife's shower cap).
Athletic: I spend three hours a day in front of mirror flexing my non biceps and twitching my boob 'pecks' along to various Tom Jones tunes.
Average looking: Danni Divito's body with Woody Allan's face.
Handsome: Personal ad was written by his mother.
Emotionally secure: Still married.
In favour of woman's rights: Pathological liar.
Free spirit: Open relationships wanted.
Friendship first: Small penis.
New-Age: I'll try anything.
Old-fashioned: Male chauvinistic pig.
Open-minded: Any age/any sex.
Outgoing: I will talk/drink/shag anyone under the table.
Professional: Toff.
Cuddly: Beer belly/'high hips'.
Large frame: Bed bound.
Wants soul mate: Middle aged virgin.
this version of the male decode i think is funnier.
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish: 59.
Adventurous: Slept with everything (including the neighbours dog and my ex wife's shower cap).
Athletic: I spend three hours a day in front of mirror flexing my non biceps and twitching my boob 'pecks' along to various Tom Jones tunes.
Average looking: Danni Divito's body with Woody Allan's face.
Handsome: Personal ad was written by his mother.
Emotionally secure: Still married.
In favour of woman's rights: Pathological liar.
Free spirit: Open relationships wanted.
Friendship first: Small penis.
New-Age: I'll try anything.
Old-fashioned: Male chauvinistic pig.
Open-minded: Any age/any sex.
Outgoing: I will talk/drink/shag anyone under the table.
Professional: Toff.
Cuddly: Beer belly/'high hips'.
Large frame: Bed bound.
Wants soul mate: Middle aged virgin.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.[/FONT]
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.[/FONT]
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Shite, I posted that last add and responded to the earlier one, now my wifes gonna tell the other slut I am a fat bastard and then shes going to walmart but thats ok because I will be seperated. Now I am going to the bathroom to flex my man boobs in the mirror while I spray paint my bald patch and think about eighteen year olds while I listen to Tom Jones!
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