I have a dilemma. My wife has a very disfunctional family. Her mother took off when she was two never to be seen from again, and her father has been in and out of her life for her 30 years. She was raised by her fathers parents and his sister. Her grandfather passed twelve years ago. Her grandmother and her aunts are real scumbags. They have no morals, live like trash, and try to be very controlling. Her family has caused us a lot of trouble with our relationship, to the point we separated and one of her aunts hooked my wife up with one of her friends. The split was due to us arguing over money spent on her family, and lies about each of us cheating on each other. Her aunt and grandmother also lied to me when she was pregnant with my oldest and tried to convince my wife to hide the pregnancy from me. She hasn't had any contact with them in over three years, but saw them at a funeral. Now she wants to re establish a relationship with them. I really don't want to keep her from her family, however I want nothing to do with them. As well, we have had no fights and have had a very good relationship without interference from them. Lastly, I don't want my children exposed to their lifestyle. How do I handle this??
How to handle scumbag in-laws
- Thread starter Led_Dikkin
- Start date
Your in-laws are scumbags.
If your wife is interested in re-establishing a relationship with them, something else is wrong. She should see a therapist. Why be attracted to emotional abuse? You aren't, but your wife is. She needs help.
Also, be sure to be strong about this. The in-laws are completely out of bounds for you two and your children. They're horrible people, and the fact that your wife is interested in re-introducing them to your lives as well as the lives of your children suggests, as I wrote above, that something else is wrong. Sound maternal instinct should tell your wife to stay way the hell away from them, but she doesn't seem to be listening, or doesn't want to listen.
This next bit isn't for the faint of heart.
I'd bring all of the above up with your wife. If she argues against you or defends her family, leave. Yes. Leave. Take the children and leave. If this happens, your wife (if she explicitly states that she wants her family back in the picture) is clearly making unhealthy decisions and is unfit to be a mother. There is absolutely no middle ground here. You've only got a finite number of minutes on this rock and a finite number of children, you don't have the time or desire to see either of those wasted on or by dreadful in-laws. Avoid them like the plague.
If your wife is interested in re-establishing a relationship with them, something else is wrong. She should see a therapist. Why be attracted to emotional abuse? You aren't, but your wife is. She needs help.
Also, be sure to be strong about this. The in-laws are completely out of bounds for you two and your children. They're horrible people, and the fact that your wife is interested in re-introducing them to your lives as well as the lives of your children suggests, as I wrote above, that something else is wrong. Sound maternal instinct should tell your wife to stay way the hell away from them, but she doesn't seem to be listening, or doesn't want to listen.
This next bit isn't for the faint of heart.
I'd bring all of the above up with your wife. If she argues against you or defends her family, leave. Yes. Leave. Take the children and leave. If this happens, your wife (if she explicitly states that she wants her family back in the picture) is clearly making unhealthy decisions and is unfit to be a mother. There is absolutely no middle ground here. You've only got a finite number of minutes on this rock and a finite number of children, you don't have the time or desire to see either of those wasted on or by dreadful in-laws. Avoid them like the plague.
I would attempt to communicate a similar message as the one suggested by frission, but do it in a less confrontational manner.
I recommend talking to a counselor because they can help you navigate the complicated emotions she's experiencing without putting her on the defensive.
If you think you're skillful enough to negotiate those rocky shoals then I would recommend the following:
Genuinely ask her why she wants to re-establish the relationships. It is possible the finality of death and the finite and fragile moments of life hit her strongly at the funeral. And she realized that despite the horrible things that have happened in the past, these people did feed, clothe, and care for her until adulthood. Perhaps she feels a longing to develop the love and affection which you have enjoyed from your family.
If she trust you enough to truly explain why she want to do this you're golden; if you don't screw things up. To screw things up you only need to say, "it won't work," or "they are bad people," or some other thing which fails to recognize and validate her desire to build the relationship.
A better way would be to say, "I think I understand, you want to ... [restate what you thought you heard]." If she says yes, then you could say something like, "I can see how this is important to you and I want to support you, but I have some concerns because of some of the things which have happened in the past." At this point you would voice your concerns using shared experiences in which they screwed with you, her, and your family. You would voice your concerns regarding the potential for them to jeopardize your marriage again. Then you would voice your concerns how their interaction might affect your kids.
Then you would ask her if there is a way that you to can figure out how she can "Test the waters" without exposing the family to problems similar to those experienced in the past. Perhaps it is a casual monthly or bi-weekly phone call and that she promises to politely but firmly hang up if they start to talk disrespectfully about you, her, your family, etc. If the in-laws are not receptive, she can simply stop calling them. If they are receptive and respectful she might meet them for coffee after a couple months.
The most important thing for you to communicate is your commitment to her, her welfare, and the welfare of your children. With this loving support based upon the precepts of protecting your family, she may be able to determine whether or not the effort is a lost cause before serious damage can occur. If you fail to recognize and support her in her effort to reach out, you may push her towards the very thing you want her to avoid.
Good luck.
I recommend talking to a counselor because they can help you navigate the complicated emotions she's experiencing without putting her on the defensive.
If you think you're skillful enough to negotiate those rocky shoals then I would recommend the following:
Genuinely ask her why she wants to re-establish the relationships. It is possible the finality of death and the finite and fragile moments of life hit her strongly at the funeral. And she realized that despite the horrible things that have happened in the past, these people did feed, clothe, and care for her until adulthood. Perhaps she feels a longing to develop the love and affection which you have enjoyed from your family.
If she trust you enough to truly explain why she want to do this you're golden; if you don't screw things up. To screw things up you only need to say, "it won't work," or "they are bad people," or some other thing which fails to recognize and validate her desire to build the relationship.
A better way would be to say, "I think I understand, you want to ... [restate what you thought you heard]." If she says yes, then you could say something like, "I can see how this is important to you and I want to support you, but I have some concerns because of some of the things which have happened in the past." At this point you would voice your concerns using shared experiences in which they screwed with you, her, and your family. You would voice your concerns regarding the potential for them to jeopardize your marriage again. Then you would voice your concerns how their interaction might affect your kids.
Then you would ask her if there is a way that you to can figure out how she can "Test the waters" without exposing the family to problems similar to those experienced in the past. Perhaps it is a casual monthly or bi-weekly phone call and that she promises to politely but firmly hang up if they start to talk disrespectfully about you, her, your family, etc. If the in-laws are not receptive, she can simply stop calling them. If they are receptive and respectful she might meet them for coffee after a couple months.
The most important thing for you to communicate is your commitment to her, her welfare, and the welfare of your children. With this loving support based upon the precepts of protecting your family, she may be able to determine whether or not the effort is a lost cause before serious damage can occur. If you fail to recognize and support her in her effort to reach out, you may push her towards the very thing you want her to avoid.
Good luck.
I'm not so on board with Frisson's advice, more on board with namsokiek's advice.
It's her family; family ties are never broken, even by death. It's her right to want to re-establish connection with them. However, it's also your family. You have a right to draw the line somewhere. Let her know that you support her re-establishing connection with her family (it's really the only way to heal those old wounds), and (not "but") you want to take steps to ensure the safety of your relationship and your children.
Bottom line: You can't make her do anything, and you definitely have control over your own actions.
It's her family; family ties are never broken, even by death. It's her right to want to re-establish connection with them. However, it's also your family. You have a right to draw the line somewhere. Let her know that you support her re-establishing connection with her family (it's really the only way to heal those old wounds), and (not "but") you want to take steps to ensure the safety of your relationship and your children.
Bottom line: You can't make her do anything, and you definitely have control over your own actions.
Phew!!
Best of luck my friend.
If the wife insists on reestablishment then you'll need to keep control of the sitrep. That's for sure.
Have you talked to these "people" and expressed your concerns?
Best of luck my friend.
If the wife insists on reestablishment then you'll need to keep control of the sitrep. That's for sure.
Have you talked to these "people" and expressed your concerns?
MrBigDick
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My brother is actually married to a woman who came from a very similar background...........simply put, he has NOTHING to do with any of them and both of his kids (they're both adults now) have little if anything to do with their mom's side of the family.......in fact, they have two uncles, me and their mom's brother..........they text me for advice and sh*t and want nothing to do with their other uncle.
Sit her down and talk to her and be frank with her. Communicate your concerns. It sounds like her side are a bad influence and if your children are young and impressionable, then it needs to be about what's BEST for your kids and less about what she wants. Make sense?
Great, she won't let it go. I can't talk reason into her, she wants to spread forgiveness. She is now trying to guilt trip me with the fact that her grandmother is old, and its on me that she was without her when she passes. I really wish I could tell her I wish it would hurry up and happen. What they did to me and my family is not forgivable. Breaking up my marriage, trying to hide her pregnancy, hearing her aunt and grandmother tell me she's fucking every dude in the neighborhood. Putting her in a position where the was left with no choice but to screw some dude old enough to be her father. This sh*t is not forgivable, and fortunately I'm scared shitless of prison.
I can't let my kids around them, nor can I keep my sanity with her alone over there. Myself even talking about them makes me physically sick. I'm losing it.
I can't let my kids around them, nor can I keep my sanity with her alone over there. Myself even talking about them makes me physically sick. I'm losing it.
Three years ago she wanted nothing to do with them, she realized they were all of our problems. We buy a new house out in the boonies to get away from them. Now she says she feels alone without her piece of sh*t DNA sharers.
Don't push her away - she will go to them.Be loving and supportive, and she will she the light.Hopefully.
Locally, not really. Just a couple of parents of our kids friends. No one close. She really never had really close friends. Really neither have I, besides my wife. All of her friends live a bit away as we've moved away.
She said she's feeling lonely, it might be worth trying to make some new friendships. You could both join a club so she doesn't feel you are pushing her. I think she is simply trying to satisfy her needs and going back to her family is the easy option
