Delayed Ejaculation

[RN98]

Since this seems to be one of the very few places on the internet that actually has people answering in a sensible fashion, I had no choice but to post here - sorry, I know it's kind of outside the scope of this particular forum...

Anyhow, I'm 22, only recently started having sex. However, while me and my girl both dearly love each other, I can't seem to be able to ejaculate during intercourse. What she does with her hands and mouth feels exceptional - much better than when I masturbate alone - but I still can't ejaculate, not even near the PONR, not even after two hours. So whereas she enjoys it a lot and constantly tells me how great it feels (because she hadn't ever had orgasms during intercourse before me), both she and I feel kinda bad about not being able to finish me off - I have to do it myself while cuddling together (which is really good in itself, but still not the same).

So I've read some information online, including a couple threads on here (this thread and this one).

Seems like it seems to be attributed to:
a) psychological problems
I see that a lot of the time it's supposed to be the root cause of the problem. I really do not see how it would apply in my case, I've never had any psychological problems, previous bad experiences, trauma, anxiety issues, or self-esteem issues related to my penis, etc.

b)masturbation habits, esp. tight grip
This seems to fit my case, and I'm not sure what to do. I masturbate once a day on average, and yeah, the grip and stimulation seems to be much higher than what my partner is able to deliver. Sometimes I literally feel almost nothing when I'm inside her, except a sort of constant teasing pleasure from being erect and lightly stimulated.
And so the psychological satisfaction of being together is way more pleasurable than the act itself.

Also, I've a tight foreskin that I'm working on (stretching exercises, they really do work well), and I've made quite a lot of progress (being able to have sex with the head completely uncovered, still kind of tight though); I wonder if phimosis/tight foreskin is connected at all to the overall sensitivity of the penis and might be contributing to the problem?


This is just to confirm what steps I should take... looking for advice from the pros. Should I start using a much lighter grip when masturbating? Should I cut masturbation to once every two or even three days or something? My partner's away for several months on a study abroad trip, so I have time for some prolonged exercise programmes.

 

[dsfan]

I think you hit it with number 2.

I have the exact same issue, and more I think about it, without a tight grip I dont get off, half the time I can in my gf,but the other half the time I cant.

Curious, do you kegel your way to ejaculation at all?

One of the mods here, pegasus, has a thread about kegeling to relax the pelvic floor, that may be worth a shot.

 

[RN98]

Where did the first post go? Someone had posted a piece of advice that said, basically, the goal is to get rid of masturbation altogether. But as far as I understand, a very light grip is still recommended.

Curious, do you kegel your way to ejaculation at all?

That is a very interesting observation. Indeed, I just realised that most of the time I unconsciously kegel, and it feels completely different when I force myself not to. I think that might be one of the ways out.

How useful would it be to purchase a fleshlight? That's got to be very different from my hand.

 

[dsfan]

I tried giving up masturbation, but after a hour of having sex with my gf and not being able to get off, I took things into my own hands.

Honestly, if you only masturbate say twice a week without a tight grip, I would imagine that would be fine.

Im going to try getting into the routine of not forcing kegels to get off, as my understandings is it should come naturally.

 

[Hanma]

Tight grip eh ... I think you may have indirectly given me advice on how to last longer.

 

[Pegasus]

Tight foreskin is unlikely to be a factor in this.

The grip when masturbating is likely to be an issue. Over time lighten your grip,you may find this takes time and training.

Your girls vaginal tightness is unlikely to be the issue ,but her doing kegels is possibly a positive.

You do not have to have had trauma to have some anxiety during sex.

Take notice of what is happening in your pelvic floor, at as subtle a level as possible. The normal pattern is that unconcious kegels drive a guy to orgasm. Some guys do concious kegels to get to ponr. It seems to me that in delayed ejaculation ,these kegels are absent and in some cases are replaced by a subtle continous reverse kegel, that prevents approach of ponr.

 

[Bobbyj]

So let me get this straight I've got PE cause I use a light grip when masturbating and I notice I cum fast with a tight grip hmm I guess its a tight grip from now on for me

 

[Pegasus]

This was mentioned as a factor in delayed ejaculation bobby.

 

[Bobbyj]

I know I used a tight grip twice today the 1st time I came in like 3-4 mins and the second time I came was 9 mins I'm thinking because I've always used a light grip when I get in the vagina its something I'm not use to and it sends signals to make me involuntary kegel and then I cum
So from now on I will use a tight grip and see what results I get

 

[Pegasus]

Hmm well it's a theory I guess bobby, will have to think on it.

 

[RN98]

Take notice of what is happening in your pelvic floor, at as subtle a level as possible. The normal pattern is that unconcious kegels drive a guy to orgasm. Some guys do concious kegels to get to ponr. It seems to me that in delayed ejaculation ,these kegels are absent and in some cases are replaced by a subtle continous reverse kegel, that prevents approach of ponr.

If I understand it correctly what kegels are, then I've realised I'm actually doing them all the time. And I've discovered that even when masturbating I have trouble reaching orgasm without kegels. I think that might be the point... I'm trying to continuously (over months) drop the level of stimulation needed to achieve orgasm, including grip and kegels, see where that gets me.

 

[Bobbyj]

If the thread starter doesn't mind me asking how long did it take u to ejaculate using a tight grip

 

[dsfan]

If I understand it correctly what kegels are, then I've realised I'm actually doing them all the time. And I've discovered that even when masturbating I have trouble reaching orgasm without kegels. I think that might be the point... I'm trying to continuously (over months) drop the level of stimulation needed to achieve orgasm, including grip and kegels, see where that gets me.

I am in the exact same situation, keep me posted on how it works out, I will do the same

 

[RN98]

Bobbyj, it's pretty normal, 5 to 15 minutes depending on how long ago was the last, er, 'session', how excited I feel and how good is the material. But I also try to prolong the sessions myself, so the whole thing might take half an hour. Initially my aim was, well, to last longer. Looks like I overdid it somewhat.

dsfan, sure, glad if it helps, but unfortunately I won't know the 'results' until next summer or something, cause my girl is away as I said. If you can, post your own progress, if you get any.

 

[dsfan]

Bobbyj, it's pretty normal, 5 to 15 minutes depending on how long ago was the last, er, 'session', how excited I feel and how good is the material. But I also try to prolong the sessions myself, so the whole thing might take half an hour. Initially my aim was, well, to last longer. Looks like I overdid it somewhat.

dsfan, sure, glad if it helps, but unfortunately I won't know the 'results' ui ntil next summer or something, cause my girl is away as I said. If you can, post your own progress, if you get any.

I definitely will, I think im starting to see some progress to be honest. Its usually next to impossible for me to get off if im drunk, but I almost did last night. Im also having more sensation in that area, I really think for years I was using a wicked hard grip.

 

[Bobbyj]

Do u guys think u can't cum because u feel no friction as u thrust and the vagina is not tight enough or u have no idea why u can't cum?

 

[Pegasus]

Read the first post in thread bobby.

 

[RN98]

One note for those interested: I'm finding out that it's not only the tightness of the grip that's the problem, or actually not as much as speed. When masturbating I get off perfectly fine even with almost no grip, just because I'm used to very fast stroking (so, several times faster than I can possibly go while thrusting) - and reversing that habit is proving much more difficult. Just try and get the speed down, see that it turns to a sort of constant teasing, which is exactly what intercourse feels like to me (not that it's not good, just doesn't get near PONR).

 

[dsfan]

One note for those interested: I'm finding out that it's not only the tightness of the grip that's the problem, or actually not as much as speed. When masturbating I get off perfectly fine even with almost no grip, just because I'm used to very fast stroking (so, several times faster than I can possibly go while thrusting) - and reversing that habit is proving much more difficult. Just try and get the speed down, see that it turns to a sort of constant teasing, which is exactly what intercourse feels like to me (not that it's not good, just doesn't get near PONR).

agreed, and it most certainly is NOT easy... I broke down a few days ago, and ruined most of my progress by going fast and tight.

 

[Pegasus]

Well fast masturbation was not an issue in my ed but tight sure was. I had to keep working at a lighter grip ,it was not an overnight thing but I did succed.