Female learning about ED & has questions

[mistydawn]

Hi. My new boyfriend has ED and won't talk about it at all. He doesn't get hard on's and the few times he does,
he cannot keep them. We have been together enough to think this goes beyond 'performance anxiety'.
I try and give him OS but nothing happens. I am use to males getting hard, so I stop. My question is does
OS still feel good when you don't get hard? Can you ejaculate without a hard on? Is there anything I can do to
help him? I wish he would talk with me about this. I've begged to talk about it! Nothing. I hope you guys can help.
Thanks.

 

[moxsum]

Hey there. nice to hear a girls perspective on this..

Im sure hes totally messed up about it mentally.. He needs to go see a urologist and get a diagnosis and / or a sex therapist to help overcome performance anxiety. The fact that he wont talk about it, shows that he feels ashamed and probably like less of a man. He needs to find out whats causing the problem, stress/medications/alcohol/smoking/lack of sleep/anxiety/poor diet/overweight/high blood pressure/hormones etc.

Good news is, it can be fixed.. 100% of the time in one way or another. So theres no reason for you to both suffer through this. Tell him to go see a urologist, keep talking about it with him, make him feel comfortable and make him feel like you still love him no matter what but you think he could get some help. Even if he has to take viagra, you guys can still enjoy sex.


How do you feel about it? Would you stay with this guy even though he has ED? I wanna know what a girl thinks about this.. its nice that your still with him and supporting him.

 

[Pegasus]

Great post Mox.

Power to you Mistydawn there should be more like you.

 

[normalguy]

Does he only admit that there's a problem?
The first thing to do is to be very supportive. That's exactly what you're doing and if he didn't thank you for this yet, I'll do it and THANK YOU on behalf of all men on earth. You've got to be very patient (sometimes easy to say, I know) and not too insistent. The fact that he doesn't want to speak about it suggests that he suffers from this situation a lot: I'm pretty sure that he does everything he can to avoid having sex, doesn't he?
First let him know that you're here with him and ready to support with all your love, not matter what. You've got to make him speak to you and this will take time...
How old is he? I'm not really convinced by consulting an urologist as moxsum suggested if he's young as I think the problem is probably mental but I'm no expert so... The sex therapist sounds like a really good idea to me if you're not having results by talking to him. As well taking viagra or things like this should be only a short term solution!
As for a cure, there's lots of exercises here that he can do and who have prooved to be efficient for men with ED... So when you manage to talk to him about this, show him this place and time and dedication will do the rest.
Good luck. I'm sure a lot of other members will give you some help...
AND THANKS AGAIN FOR HIM

 

[mistydawn]

Thank you for your response.

I have no idea when this started, reasons, if he has seen a doctor about it or anything. He won't talk.
I did find a old prescription bottle of viagra. I didn't tell him. I think this goes beyond performance
anxiety. The first time we had sex (tried to) I was upset only because I felt it was me. I asked him
what I could do. I asked if I didn't do it for him. He wouldn't answer. Since it has continued, I've realized
it is something on his end. I do not bring it up. It might be painful for him, he doesn't say.

Yes, I am going to stay with him. We do other things besides intercourse which is fine with me. Since
I realized it isn't anything about me, I don't feel so guilty. My feelings are that I would like to talk
about it. Not gonna happen. So, I am here to learn about it. I am gonna stand by him. I am gonna do
anything I can on my end.

I need to know, can he still get pleasure from OS without getting a hard on? When a guy is not getting
hard I think it isn't good. I have never had a guy with ED.

 

[Batwoman]

Mistydawn, welcome to the Gym! There are lots of guys here who can help answer your questions, just keep on asking. And feel free to post anywhere you like, we really value female members here!

 

[Batwoman]

I should add that you can probably help a lot of men here by sharing your own feelings and perspective on sex with a partner who suffers from ED. I'm female and I can answer a lot of questions, but I've never had a partner with ED so I can be of only limited help in that area.

 

[mistydawn]

I am grateful for your replies. He is 43. He does not avoid sex actually. Maybe just a little, like not
doing it 2 days in a row, but I don't see it as avoidance. I just don't know what I can do to him to
give him pleasure. I am totally lost in this situation. He has not acknowledged the problem out loud.
Since he has had viagra in his past, that told me he knows. I had horrible guilt in the beginning.

 

[normalguy]

The fact that you found an old prescription of viagra changes things. Having the advice of an urologist would be a good thing, if he hasn't seen one already... But once again, you'll have to convince him to see one and have him talking about it first. In order to achieve this, you must show him how much you love him and support him, tell him how much you love what he does to you in terms of foreplay and how much you'd like to have intercourse with him, tell him that you want to help him and will be here for him not matter how much time he takes. He must feel really confident and not having at all the impression to be judged about his performance.
And to answer your question, though I don't have ED, I think that even if he's unable to achieve erection, he can get pleasure from whatever you want to do to him and probably ejaculate. Ask him what he likes...
And don't feel guilty! That's not your fault.

 

[normalguy]

A quick question: does he have erections in the morning or during the night while he sleeps? It's a good indicator of physical problem if he doesn't have any and another good reason to go and see an urologist...
While trying to make him talk, you could try various supplements: if he likes tea, you could prepare green tea and choose one with ginger or ginseng, add honey... Have a look at the threads talking about supplements....

 

[Pegasus]

Well oral is certainly pleasant before and as I am geting an erection, so the answer is yes.

 

[Batwoman]

I have read numerous threads here where guys describe being able to reach orgasm without getting fully hard.... so that is clearly possible too.

 

[mistydawn]

I think if I told him I was going online to learn about the ED he would be horrified.
I think that would really upset him. I am going to do what I can do on my own, and
when he wants to open up, he can. I think he knows that.

This is hard for me because I am a very upfront person. I am straight forward
and direct. He is not. This is not my fashion, so it is taking some real control
on my part to just go real slow.

I do remember his saying one time, the first time we has sex he was very nervous.
So nervous he couldn't perform. We have been together many times since, so I
cannot see this still being a case of performance anxiety.

I do ask him what he likes and says nothing. I've said, "please tell me what to do".
No answer. I want to give him some pleasure!!

 

[normalguy]

OK... The challenge seems really important but you seems to be up to it. As long as he agrees to let you help him...
How long have you been together? You asked whether someone could ejaculate without being hard, does it mean that he never ejaculated with you?
My advice would be try to have sex as often as possible, just to show him that even if he doesn't get hard, you still want to make love with him. Try to give him oral, play with his testicles and I'm sure he'll like it. Maybe you could even try the male G-spot (OK, it's a bit... there's an article on this in the article section)...
Good luck

 

[mistydawn]

Some of the times he has been able to perform he has ejaculated.
I was wanting to know if I could give him OS to completion.
Since he doesn't get hard with OS, i was wondering.

 

[normalguy]

If by OS you mean oral stimulation, then go ahead until completion if you want. Though I don't know how much time it'll take... And try to do whatever you want: he doesn't help you by telling you what he likes but I'm sure that he would tell you in case he doesn't...

 

[Batwoman]

Oral can be very pleasant for both partners whether or not he ends up cumming. Keep in mind that some guys that don't have ED have a hard time reaching orgasm from oral.... every man is different. I certainly don't take it personally if my man cannot reach orgasm from oral sex, we just move on to other things. So my advice would be to enjoy oral with your guy, but don't go into it with any expectations one way or the other. Maybe he can cum that way, maybe he can't. Enjoy the process!

 

[justwannabebig]

I wich girls my age were more like your ladies!
you have the most wonderfull personality..
the girls my age (19) are only thinking about looks etc etc...
ofcouse not all of them, but most of them do, that i know..

thanks ladies!

 

[Dash-5]

mistydawn, welcome to the Gym. You've come to one of the absolute best web sites for penis health. You've probably begun to notice how helpful everyone here tries to be.

Just a recap: normalguy asked a great question about whether he gets spontaneous erections at night/morning. This could be a really good indicator whether his issue is physiological (he gets those kind of erections) or psychological.

I hear what you are saying about the difficulty of the effort when you are a straight-up communication-type person. Just hang in their and be as patient and supportive as possible. I think this is really important, because there has to be a psychological aspect of this (what guy wouldn't be bothered about inability to get hard?). So your support is critical. Help him through this.

Oral sex? Go for it. Don't expect it to be the same for him, but it will still be good. And appreciated. Do it for what it is: your desire to pleasure him. Don't take the approach that you are doing it only as an attempt to get him hard (I'm not implying that you have, just a simple caution). If he does get hard, that's just a bonus.

Here's a thread on erection tea: https://www.pegym.com/forums/erectile-dysfunction-forum/3005-erection-tea.html Maybe a good brew of that could be helpful.

Most of all, continue what your doing. Your support, your attention to pleasuring him (and him pleasuring you), and trying to get him to open up about this. Maybe this will resolve on it's own, but if not, then hopefully your support will help him to get the professional help he needs.

 

[mistydawn]

You all have been very helpful. You might find this strange, but we do not sleep in the
same bed and we keep different hours. I don't see him when he wakes up and I cannot
see while he's sleeping because he wears pants. I will make more of an effort to find out
if he has a morning and sleeping stiffy.

If he still gets pleasure from oral sex then I will continue. I now know I cannot judge his
pleasure by if he gets hard. At least it sounds like he can derive some level of pleasure
from it. (right?) That is all I needed to know to continue. If I do give OS even though we see
no stiffy, will he see it as my trying to pleasure him?

Justwannabebig, the young ladies these days have priorities mixed up. I knew a girl
who went out with a guy because of his car stereo! I couldn't believe it. Over the years
I have encountered small dicks, premature ejaculation and now a new one...no stiffy.
Everything can be dealt with. It doesn't have to be a relationship killer.