So... open relationships.

[boogie]

Are you planning on maintaining your relationship with your wife, Pluto?

I guess I'd really be fooling myself to think that this would ever work long term

 

[TTBB]

I guess I'd really be fooling myself to think that this would ever work long term

If you mean the open relationship probably ... if you mean your relationship, it could last a very long time if you continue to put effort in and are patient.. if you stay the long haul and the both of you deal with what ever her hang ups are.. if you do this it could develop into a very strong sexual relationship because you did it together and she will trust you.

. There are a lot of good books out there on female sexuality and how to enjoy sex, has she ever read any? There are couples videos on sensual sex, have you ever watched any together

This is great advise... for any woman.

 

[Batwoman]

Open relationships that exist because one or both partners are unhappy with the sex life within the relationship are generally doomed, I think. They may last on paper, but it is hard to imagine how both partners could be happy with such an arrangement. I think that after a while something just has to give -- either the outside sex partner(s) must be given up, or the couple is likely to break up. It is hard to see how trust and intimacy could be maintained in a relationship where one or both partners are seeking sex somewhere else on a regular basis with the knowledge of the other. What must it be like to sit at home while partner goes off to have sex with someone else? Yikes!

Open relationships where the sex is good inside the relationship, but both partners want or like having more sex outside the relationship -- well, maybe.

Speaking from the female perspective, I cannot image ever enjoying the thought of my partner going off to have sex with someone else. It may be necessary for a woman to endure it at times, but I think that all it is going to do is eat away at her over time. It hurts even worse when you love a man and he does that, I think.

Anyway, I am totally with TTBB on this. Boogie, you need to take your girlfriend and see if you can get some therapy together, if you want to have this relationship work.

 

[boogie]

Yeah, going to research that, and if I can get her to go, I will see if it has any positive results. Beyond that, I guess my choices are to end it or see how long it goes.

 

[MrBigDick]

I think open relationships are a bad idea.....period....even if both partners are into it.......

 

[redbear52]

I have known a few couples with "open marriage" arrangements. While they seemed to work for a while, the marriages all failed eventually. Of course, a lot of marriages fail regardless, but I think in these instances one partner eventually got jealous.

 

[Panther]

I believe a healthy sex life is required for a happy long term relationship. Also, based on your description of her activity in bed my guess is she was sexually traumatized in her past.

I have some experience with this having grown up in an abusive household. She may not want to talk about it due to the shameful feelings she has. Most abused people feel like it was their fault, they did something wrong and those feelings are often triggered. She feels like sh*t and is scared.

Also, your open relationship probably makes her feel abandoned. Ironically, she thinks she has to agree to it so she won't be abandoned. Totally confusing to her - feel abandoned or actually be abandoned.

I feel so sad for her. I know all those feelings quite well and the only way to kill those demons is to face them head-on. If you decide to break off your romantic relationship I encourage you to keep helping her. She seems to be in desperate need of help.

FYI - trust is a huge huge issue for abuse victims. The one's that were supposed to protect you did not, so how can you ever rely on anybody? Please be very careful with this woman as shows the signs of being badly hurt.

I hope it works out for both of you, but most of all for her.

 

[Batwoman]

Listen to Panther -- he said it all beautifully.

Personally I cannot see how having an open relationship is going to do anything for you except help you get your rocks off occasionally at the expense of your girl, your relationship, and (probably) your own self respect. Be careful, be kind, and see if you can find some less damaging solutions to this problem.

 

[CUSP82]

Awesome Panther!

 

[boogie]

I think my biggest issue is feeling completely helpless. I've tried gentle nudging, flat out questions, trying to get information once a week, waiting months between asking, and everything in between, all I have to work with is blank stares and head shaking.

If she told me that she killed someone, I'd help her hide the body.

If she told me that she needed me to be painted blue for her to get off, I'm off to the hardware store.

But what am I supposed to do with nothing?

 

[Batwoman]

Well, you know what doesn't work, so now you need to try other things. My best advice is to find someone who can provide counseling, and then insist that she go (with you or without you, whichever you think will be easiest to talk her into). Make it clear that getting counseling is one thing you will not let her say "no" to. Make sure she knows that the reason you are doing this is because you love her and want the two of you to succeed in your relationship.

If you need help finding a counselor, call a local women's shelter and explain the situation. The people at those places always have great connections with doctors and therapists of all sorts. They are also used to dealing with uncomfortable situations. If you explain that you think your girlfriend may have been abused when she was young and you want to get her some help, they will help you find a good place to go.

 

[pluto]

I agree mostly with what everyone is saying here. This doesn't seem like a case of a relationship that needs adjustment, its more like a person that's uncommunicative about an issue. Apparently you guys love each other very much, and are willing to do anything for each other, except address this issue head on. I agree with Batwoman, don't let her say no to the counseling!

In regards to how you shape your relationship, if you honestly believe that this is the one woman you want to be with sexually for the rest of your live then go for it. However, DO NOT confuse honesty and intimacy with monogamy. They are not the same thing! I have come to realize that a person who demands the same is similar to men who demand that their wives be virgins! Its all rooted in insecurity and believing that if a person doesn't pledge themselves to you that they don't love/respect you etc etc. Life isn't perfect, people aren't perfect, and to expect one person to be you complete fulfillment for the rest of your life is unrealistic.

Being adaptable is key to longevity, happiness, and attraction. As long as you guys keep talking and are willing to work it out, it will get worked out. That's my final 2 cents, Good Luck!

 

[MrBigDick]

I believe a healthy sex life is required for a happy long term relationship. Also, based on your description of her activity in bed my guess is she was sexually traumatized in her past.

I have some experience with this having grown up in an abusive household. She may not want to talk about it due to the shameful feelings she has. Most abused people feel like it was their fault, they did something wrong and those feelings are often triggered. She feels like sh*t and is scared.

Also, your open relationship probably makes her feel abandoned. Ironically, she thinks she has to agree to it so she won't be abandoned. Totally confusing to her - feel abandoned or actually be abandoned.

I feel so sad for her. I know all those feelings quite well and the only way to kill those demons is to face them head-on. If you decide to break off your romantic relationship I encourage you to keep helping her. She seems to be in desperate need of help.

FYI - trust is a huge huge issue for abuse victims. The one's that were supposed to protect you did not, so how can you ever rely on anybody? Please be very careful with this woman as shows the signs of being badly hurt.

I hope it works out for both of you, but most of all for her.

Believe me, I totally get this post, understand it and support it. It was very well said. My ex gf (now my current lady friend and sex partner.....again) grew up watching her mother get the sh*t knocked out of her every night by her dad and she herself was married to an emotionally and verbally abusive dousche bag for 25 long years. She got depressed, started eating and eventually ballooned to a nice hefty size. Then, one day, she had simply decided she had had enough of that God awful lifestyle and wanted a change, so she did. She started putting herself first more often and their kids (who were teenagers by this point) and her asshole husband on a less important scale. She lost the weight herself and did things that SHE wanted to do.

She's a much happier woman now. She divorced him 6 years ago and hasn't looked back. Because of went she experienced with her father and her asswipe ex husband, she does to this day have trust issues with men. The ONLY reason I've been able to get past her barrier was because she and I were initially introduced by a mutual acquaintance she and I both had a couple of years ago. Over the course of the past couple of years, she and I have gotten to know one another very well and have had the best sex two people could ever hope to have. We broke up for 6 months and had no contact with one another or anything. In those 6 months, she didn't see anyone, didn't date anyone, hadn't had any sex.............all out of her general distrust of men. She was also in therapy for some time too.

I guess my point to all of this is that this friend of mine was also badly hurt by men in her past and still carries alot of that hurt with her to this day. Because of her mental will to want a better life and because she knew she had issues, she got the help she needed in order to get herself sort of turned around. This girl of yours can do the same thing, she just has to want to get the help.

 

[redbear52]

It sounds to me as if you have given this a fair bit of thought and have come to some reasonable conclusions. I know of marriages that have gone on in the absence of sexual contact and seemed "successful" but that was when both partners weren't much interested in it.

I understand and agree with your assessment that your marriage will probably fail if you continue the status quo. I think most marriages in which one partner is completely disinterested and the other is not eventually do.

It does not sound as if she will be able to discuss whatever issues she may have with you, but may do so with a third party in confidence. I would agree with Batwoman that the best course of action would be to ask her to see a sex therapist for counseling. If she has and OB/GYN physician that would be the obvious place to start, even if it is just for a recommendation.

If she sees no reason and has no desire to try to be different than she is now, I'm not sure you have any good options.

 

[Panther]

The first step to getting better is admitting that something is wrong. Your girl may not be ready for that. Perhaps you can help her do that.

If she was abused and you decide to keep helping her this will be the most difficult thing you've ever done. There will be days she gives you nothing and takes. Days she's pissed at you. Days she hates you. There will also be days she loves you to death. Future days when she will have a much different and better life and think of you and how she couldn't have done it without your help.

She's probably not ready to talk yet. Trust for her is like the stranger holding a piece of candy out to a kid...you want it so bad it makes your mouth water but all you can think of is "it's not safe"! Don't take it!

You have a chance to really change someones world.

I had someone do that for me and she will hold a special place in my heart forever and my bed too.

 

[TTBB]

Self Evaluation

Questions to ask yourself and talk to your partner about before entering a open relationship.

What are your beliefs about monogamy?
- If you’ve been in a monogamous relationship before, did they work or not, how did it make you feel
- Do you believe a person can love/be in love with more then one person at a time
- What role does sex play in your relationship(how important is it and what does it mean to you)
- Can you have sex without emotional attachment
- Have you ever had a fuck buddy or friend with benefits

If currently in a relationship
- What is the state of your relationship, does it feel stable and secure
- What are the most common conflicts
- Do both partners want to explore a different structure
- Do you have sexual needs or fantasies that aren’t’ being fulfilled

Imagine your partner having sex with another person (be honest with your answers)
- What feeling does it bring up?
- What would be your worst fear?
- What would be the best case scenario?
- what would be the absolute deal breaker

Imagine your partner having a relationship with another person
- What feelings does it bring up?
- What would be your worst fear?
- What would be the best case scenario?
- what would be the deal breaker


How do you handle feelings?
- Do you consider yourself jealous person? How do you deal with intense feelings (anger, resentment, jealousy )
- Are you able to determine what your boundaries are and communicate them
- When something bothers you do you keep it to yourself or share
- Do you have the ability to communicate openly about difficult situations
- When conflict arises how do you usually handle it

How available are you?
- Do you have the time to nurture and grow more then one love relationship
- Do you have the energy to devote to several people and to juggle lovers
- Do you have access to potential partners who have monogamy experience and strong relationship skills
- Do you have self knowledge and communication skills to be in an open relationship?

 

[Batwoman]

Yup, there is a lot to consider, no doubt about it.
Great summary, TTBB.

I would add that it is probably best to think about/talk about STDs too at some point.....

 

[boogie]

There will be days she gives you nothing and takes. Days she's pissed at you. Days she hates you. There will also be days she loves you to death.

She already runs that gamut without entering this into the equation!

I'll continue to keep trying, and will let y'all know the conclusion, though don't hold your breaths, it may still be a long ways off

As far as the STDs, I've always worn a condom for casual encounters, and I've worn a condom with her our entire relationship, she won't go on birth control becayse she doesn't want to get an exam.

It's like putting your food inside of a balloon before you chew it, if you work through it you'll eventually get to something good, but until then, blah x.x

 

[TTBB]

As far as the STDs, I've always worn a condom for casual encounters, and I've worn a condom with her our entire relationship, she won't go on birth control becayse she doesn't want to get an exam.

By exam do you mean having a doctor look down under.. if that is what you mean, To get onto birth control it doesn't involve that. It generally just involves a few simple questions to help the doctor figure out which they think would be most compatible with the woman's body..

 

[MrBigDick]

Self Evaluation

Questions to ask yourself and talk to your partner about before entering a open relationship.

What are your beliefs about monogamy?
- If you’ve been in a monogamous relationship before, did they work or not, how did it make you feel
- Do you believe a person can love/be in love with more then one person at a time
- What role does sex play in your relationship(how important is it and what does it mean to you)
- Can you have sex without emotional attachment
- Have you ever had a fuck buddy or friend with benefits

If currently in a relationship
- What is the state of your relationship, does it feel stable and secure
- What are the most common conflicts
- Do both partners want to explore a different structure
- Do you have sexual needs or fantasies that aren’t’ being fulfilled

Imagine your partner having sex with another person (be honest with your answers)
- What feeling does it bring up?
- What would be your worst fear?
- What would be the best case scenario?
- what would be the absolute deal breaker

Imagine your partner having a relationship with another person
- What feelings does it bring up?
- What would be your worst fear?
- What would be the best case scenario?
- what would be the deal breaker


How do you handle feelings?
- Do you consider yourself jealous person? How do you deal with intense feelings (anger, resentment, jealousy )
- Are you able to determine what your boundaries are and communicate them
- When something bothers you do you keep it to yourself or share
- Do you have the ability to communicate openly about difficult situations
- When conflict arises how do you usually handle it

How available are you?
- Do you have the time to nurture and grow more then one love relationship
- Do you have the energy to devote to several people and to juggle lovers
- Do you have access to potential partners who have monogamy experience and strong relationship skills
- Do you have self knowledge and communication skills to be in an open relationship?

I totally dig this answer TTBB..........on point in all areas and the VERY reason why I don't go for the "open" relationship......to much margin for error. But, that's just my opinion.