So... open relationships.

[boogie]

Long story short, I've been in an open relationship for a while. I've been with my girl a few years, and, well, she is simply not very good in bed. Comparing her sexual prowess to a pillow would not be unfair. But hey, at least she's soft . I had a discussion with her about this relatively early in the relationship, I waited for a few months, waiting to see if she would open up, but it never happened. While talking, she said that she just didn't want to lose me, and would be okay if I slept with others, as long as I came back.

So far, there is very little drama. I haven't done much research, but there are some ground rules that I assume are pretty common, nobody she knows, never in our apartment, and the last one may change from situation to situation I suppose, she doesn't want to know anything about it, other than when I go.

Anybody else have any experience in these situations?

 

[UYN]

What exactly is the problem with the sex with her? That is a pretty harsh thing to tell someone, and not the least do. I am surprised that she would go along with it.

-UYN-

 

[hele16]

ur a lucky guy

 

[boogie]

Well, she knew before I told her. She doesn't move, at all. She won't do anything other that missionary, including oral. So, sex consists of ( after scheduling a night days in advance ) her laying in bed while I get her wet, and, well, I'm sure y'all know the rest. It's really not an incredibly enjoyable experience. I do love her, and she loves me, and I know that relationships shouldn't be based around sex...

Edit: And she didn't go along with it, she suggested it. I'd tried giving gentle hints / suggestions for her to do something, anything different for a couple of weeks, which she was either ignoring or not getting. So, I started to talk to her about that stuff, and she thought I was going to leave her, and that was the response. I wasn't going to leave her right then, but if it continued like that, I probably would have, as I'd never have been happy.

 

[Katie]

I do not really have any experience with open relationships, but was once in a situation that maybe looks a little like yours.

Our starting point was different from yours. We were in an early stage of the relationship. For us it was about the guy wanting to increase his sexual experience, since I had both longer and broader experience than he had. We both wanted a long and serious relationship, and he was afraid the difference in experience was going to bother him and ruin things for us later.

I was, like him, afraid that this would create problems for us later, and thought that it was better if he could take care of this while we were still in an early phase.

We agreed on some rules, which I mainly decided.

Although I understood the logic of it all, I had big problems with the things I felt.
I was so sad, disappointed, scared, jealous, and got unsure of his intentions with our relationship.
Fortunately he changed his mind very quickly and said it was not worth going through with it when he knew how I felt.
This was not something that affected the relationship later

I respect that others have different views on open relationships than I have, and I'm sure it works fine for many people. Of course, I do not know how you or your girlfriend feel about open relationships, I can only speak for myself. I do not think I had stayed in that relationship if he had gone through with it. I was willing to go over my limits to make it work, but I really do not think I could have lived with it after a while. For me, the thought of my boyfriend having sex with someone else while we are in a relationship, is just too uncomfortable.

If I were in your situation I would have thought carefully about whether I thought the relationship would last, even when it is open.
If you decide that it will last, it's fine.
If not, you might want to consider if you think it is the relationship, or a satisfying sex life, that is most important to you.

 

[ManWithPlan]

If I were in your situation I would have thought carefully about whether I thought the relationship would last, even when it is open.
If you decide that it will last, it's fine.
If not, you might want to consider if you think it is the relationship, or a satisfying sex life, that is most important to you.

Agreed. You really have to decide this yourself. If there is no way you can be happy because she can't satisfy you in bed (which is understandable, great sex is very important to me too), then you should LEAVE her. Since you said you'd NEVER been happy, I guess good sex life is more important to you.

If that is the case, the best thing you can do is end this relationship. No matter how much she loves you. She might get all depressed and sad for awhile, but eventually she WILL move on and she WILL find some other guy she will be happy with. I think this is best for both of you.

Just my 2cents.

 

[boogie]

If I were in your situation I would have thought carefully about whether I thought the relationship would last, even when it is open.
If you decide that it will last, it's fine.
If not, you might want to consider if you think it is the relationship, or a satisfying sex life, that is most important to you.

Maybe I'm still "young, dumb, and full of cum", but I don't think I can have a happy, long term relationship without a satisfying sex life, and she is sort of a brick wall, and can be difficult to get thoughts / opinions / feelings out of sometimes.

That's why I was reaching out here to see if anyone had any experience with it, and how things turned out.

 

[Batwoman]

The whole open relationship thing aside, something is very wrong here -- the reactions your girlfriend shows to sex are simply not normal. I hate to raise this, but do you know if she was every abused when she was younger? It sounds like sex is a totally joyless activity for her, and that is not good. It's not good for your relationships (obviously), but what it is more it is not good for her. She needs to get help.

Exactly what kind of help, I am not sure. How old are you guys, and does she have insurance?

The help I am imagining, depending on what you think her issues may be, could range from professional help (gynecologist/psychologist/sex therapist) to your helping her more directly try to get pleasure out of your sex life together. There are a lot of good books out there on female sexuality and how to enjoy sex, has she ever read any? There are couples videos on sensual sex, have you ever watched any together, or has she ever seen anything like that? Have you two ever tried sensual massage? If she is not burdened with serious psychological problems or past abuse, it might be that she is simply afraid and does not know the first thing about how a woman can/should respond during sex, or how much fun it can be.

Anyway, the more info you can provide to us, the more helpful we might be in making suggestions.

Personally, the kind of open relationship you described above sounds like a miserable way to have to live, for both of you. I hope you can find a better solution.

 

[UYN]

Maybe I'm still "young, dumb, and full of cum", but I don't think I can have a happy, long term relationship without a satisfying sex life, and she is sort of a brick wall, and can be difficult to get thoughts / opinions / feelings out of sometimes.

That's why I was reaching out here to see if anyone had any experience with it, and how things turned out.

I think the problem here is communication, you say that you have hinted this to her, and had a talk which resulted in her telling you to do this. That doesn't sounds like a healthy discussion, but since you haven't provided us with more information I cannot draw that conclusion. Also, I am wondering if you did everything you could to make things work between you guys sexually? As in press different issues(in a gentle way of course) that would find solutions that were appealing to both of you(where she is the sex partner)?

-UYN-

 

[boogie]

To be honest, I have often wondered if she suffered some kind of trauma or abuse as a kid. As far as the situation goes, I think she was likely a virgin when she met me, I was 22, she was 24, ( 25 and 27 now ) but she wouldn't answer the question. Not yes, not no, just no answer. It wasn't important, so I didn't push it.

My descriptions of what happened are obviously truncated. We didn't have sex until we were together for about a month. I just assumed she was shy in bed for the first few months, and didn't worry about it. I asked her if she wanted to get on top once every few times after that, and she would shake her head. I'd ask if she wanted to try a different position, and she'd shake her head. This went on for about a year before I brought up the discussion, which wasn't just a "Hey, you are bad in bed, care if I sleep with other people? Okay, bye" thing, it was a pretty drawn out discussion.

She is pretty opinionated about most things, but clams up almost instantly on anything about sex.

 

[Batwoman]

Does she ever have orgasms? Or does she just encourage you to enjoy yourself and get it over with? (Sorry to be blunt, but it will help us to know.)

 

[TTBB]

I agree with batwoman .. it sounds like there has been some kind of abuse in her past esp if she avoided answering the question when you brought it up..
I also think the only reason she agreed to the open relationship was because the fear of abandonment was stronger then her opinion of self... An open relationship generally means both parties are going out and getting sex from other people... has she ever pursued sex with someone outside of the relationship?

 

[boogie]

Batwoman - Usually, yes, she does ( Edit: Usually does have an orgasm. )

TittyTittyBangBang - I don't believe so, unless she didn't tell me? I will say it's extremely unlikely, not impossible, just unlikely.

 

[TTBB]

I would suggest you see a couples therapist, If there has been abuse she obviously isn't open to talking about it at this point... if there hasn't been there is still a problem with how she associates sex to herself..

There is a problem in the relationship, since you are having to get sex from other places and its not a mutual situation . If you went to the therapist you could use the open relationship situation as the thing to get the ball rolling .. saying in most areas the relationship is perfect but you want to be able to connect better with your partner in bed so that you don't need to seek sex else where... don't make the problem just about her or she will close down...make it about how the two of you are connecting intimately .. if you can't get her to go to a therapist then you should go by yourself .. and talk it through, they should be able to give you pointers on how to help her through issues and pointers on how to get communication about sex flowing.

Also the next time you have sex with her .. make comments that encourage her .. like if you said something along the lines she is like fucking a pillow .. you might want to try to say things that encourage her and to undo the blow to her confidence .. like i really liked how you were grinding on me at x point of the love making.

 

[boogie]

TittyTittyBangBang - Okay, I'll look into the therapy, it seems prety obvious, but I hadn't thought of it before. I've never actually said anything malicious to her about her performance in bed, I've tried to get her to open up though, and I could see how it may be taken as criticism and damaging to confidence. I've tried the encouragement, but like I said, anything remotely related to sex, and it's like an off switch, she will change the subject or not answer.

 

[TTBB]

Just saying you want to find sex outside of the relationship would have been a huge blow to her sexual confidence.... It really does sound like sexual abuse if she switches off when sex is the topic.. Even little comments that are meant to be encouraging can cause conflict with in someone who has been abused.. The first time i had sex.. My boyfriend said two things, "oh you're so juicy, and you really grind" because i had been abused it panicked me ..i couldn't see that was a good thing at the time because i still hadn't dealt with the abuse in my past so I struggled with, showing, expressing and feeling enjoyment in sex , Intimacy was something that was hard for me to trust. My understanding of sexual pleasure has been addressed ..i am sure my next partner will benefit from the sexual person that i am now allowing myself to be.... there could be a very sexual girl trapped in your girlfriend, she just might not know how to express or share it yet.

How long have you been with her?

 

[boogie]

I've been with her for three years now, the open relationship thing has been going on for a little over a year

 

[NP97]

I had an ex that started as kinda a 'dead fish' in bed. Doing things to get her more into it will help a bit. Teasing, more foreplay, get her so horny she wants you to fuck her brains out.

 

[TTBB]

With three years under your belt . it is a good time to address issues and to start laying groundwork for your future relationship.. Its obvious you are emotionally committed to her.
I think its great that you are willing to look into therapy ..that speaks volumes

 

[pluto]

Ok back to your original question, about Open Relationships, here's my story:

Backstory: I have been married for 8+ years and my wife and i started having problems with sex around year 4. I am very high strung sexually, and she is not. I use to handle it with masturbation, but during that year 4 she asked me to stop, she stated how she wanted to be my fulfillment, she wanted to make me feel how she felt, like she didn't need anyone or anything else. I was down with it, but after about 8 months she couldn't handle it and started shut down. She said that I made her feel liek a piece of meat, that sex was becoming mechanical. It wasn't like i wanted it everyday just about 3 times a week was good, but that was too much for her. We began constantly fighting because i wasn't getting it but maybe once a week, so I shut down emotionally from her. Fast forward through those last 4 years and we were ready to tear each other to pieces. BTWi wasn't lazy or a slob, i would wine her/dine her, cuddle her, talk with her whenever she wanted, do house chores, take trips wherever, and through all of this she was a house wife so her stress levels were low. Tried every trick in the book to get her to fantasize about me, to treat me like a piece of meat, except one...

Yesterday: We decided to "seperate" in order to save our relationship. It was the best decision we ever made. She hit the ground running pulling every skeleton out of the closet that she had. Even took a trip to NYC and within 3 days made it with about 5 diff guys. Meanwhile I took the time to do some much needed personal development. I hit the gym, changed my wardrobe, started reading every book i could about seduction and "the game", and of course, PE! about 6 months past and she is struggling to find quality men for dates, and that's when I start. I take her out with me to bar crawls and other social events and I start seducing girls, they are buying me drinks, I'm making out with them after saying about 5 words, and one night i even took my wife plus an asian chick home and fucked the asian while i made my wife wait down stairs! After a few more wild one night stands the words finally came out of her mouth "I didn't think you could do it, you've completely changed!" And from that moment on, she didn't mind being treated like a piece of meat.

Present Day: The wild sex flings could have lasted for a while, but I didn't want to deceive myself, and those who are considering this lifestyle shouldn't as well. I at heart am a Lover. I dont want constant one night stands, I wanted a girlfriend, someone that I could be truly intimate with. And that's what I set out to find. And that's what I now have, A wife and a girlfriend. Someday I hope that the two of them will be able to coexist in one room, but for now I will settle for living in two worlds.

Any questions?