Any guys out there in a LDR?

[Mc Dong]

Hey Guys,

Any one out there in a Long Distance Relationship? I am and it sucks. My girl just moved to a different hemisphere. Yep, really far.

How do you make it work? Any advice is GREATLY APPRECIATED.

We both are older, career focused and love each other. I want to make this work out and so does she. But visiting each other is not going to be frequent. Maybe 3 times a year. It's tough becasue I want to hang out with her, see here, etc, etc,etc, but can't. It's like losing a bestfriend.

Any thoughts?

MD

 

[JohnnyUK]

Leave her my friend,and find a new girl in ur area.

 

[Mc Dong]

Sadly, I kinda agree. I thought we had a real future, and sometimes I still do, but the distance is tearing me apart.

thanks for your feedback.

MD

 

[tahksis]

If youre not married but you care about her, then find a way to end it and stay friends. Its really unfair to both parties to have an LDR with that kind of distance. Stay friends and maybe one day start things back up again.

 

[MrBigDick]

I'd have to agree with what's been said above. LDR's typically don't work out. It's not fair to either of you.

 

[Batwoman]

I'll add a different voice here: don't let anyone tell you that you cannot do this if you really want to. Yes, it will be hard. But don't throw in the towel just because other people say "find someone else that's closer/easier." If you really truly love each other, you could make this work, especially if you are not thinking that the separation is necessarily forever.

You haven't really told us much about this situation -- why did she move? How long is it for?
You say you are both "career oriented" -- does this mean you've decided that it is better for you both to stick with the jobs you have than for one of you to give it up to move to where the other one lives? Is it possible you'd decide on that course of action in the future?

As for now, a few suggestions:

(1) Email is an utterly fabulous way to communicate with a far-away lover. You can keep lots of threads going simultaneously, from trivial to serious to erotic. Some messages can be very long, some very short, and time differences don't matter so much when you have several conversations going on at once. If you don't feel like adding to one, you can add to another. Old conversations can be resurrected easily if you keep your messages to each other in a separate folder from the rest of your mail.

While a lot this may sound trivial, you would be amazed at the intimacy you can develop over time by just writing your thoughts down and sending them to each other at random times throughout the day, day in and day out.

(2) Though email is great, there is no substitute for hearing each other's voices regularly. Set up some regular times to talk every week (or every day). With modern communications, this should not be too hard. Skype could be a good option.

(3) Plan for and treasure the times when you do get together. They will likely be fabulous and passionate. One thing that probably will not plague your relationship will be any sense of getting tired of each other sexually -- each time you are together it will all be fresh and exciting again. Use that to your benefit. Thinking about seeing each other again can be very erotic and may well keep you both entertained for many weeks before an actual visit.

(4) Use your time apart to better yourselves in other ways (more education, training, working out, career advancement etc.) and talk with each other about it a lot. If you are apart for career reasons, now is the time to educate each other thoroughly about just what it is that you do, and why it matters to you.

(5) Use your time apart to learn about each other emotionally and sexually. You may be amazed at the things you will find yourselves telling each other by email that you would never have spoken out loud to each other in million years, before being apart.

Anyway, don't let anyone tell you that long distance relationships cannot work -- sometimes. It is all about what you put into them. The most important thing is that both people buy into it equally.

 

[NP97]

Yeah, if you like eachother don't give up. It will be hard, but take BW's advice to heart.

 

[tahksis]

I'll add a different voice here: don't let anyone tell you that you cannot do this if you really want to. Yes, it will be hard. But don't throw in the towel just because other people say "find someone else that's closer/easier." If you really truly love each other, you could make this work, especially if you are not thinking that the separation is necessarily forever.

You haven't really told us much about this situation -- why did she move? How long is it for?
You say you are both "career oriented" -- does this mean you've decided that it is better for you both to stick with the jobs you have than for one of you to give it up to move to where the other one lives? Is it possible you'd decide on that course of action in the future?

As for now, a few suggestions:

(1) Email is an utterly fabulous way to communicate with a far-away lover. You can keep lots of threads going simultaneously, from trivial to serious to erotic. Some messages can be very long, some very short, and time differences don't matter so much when you have several conversations going on at once. If you don't feel like adding to one, you can add to another. Old conversations can be resurrected easily if you keep your messages to each other in a separate folder from the rest of your mail.

While a lot this may sound trivial, you would be amazed at the intimacy you can develop over time by just writing your thoughts down and sending them to each other at random times throughout the day, day in and day out.

(2) Though email is great, there is no substitute for hearing each other's voices regularly. Set up some regular times to talk every week (or every day). With modern communications, this should not be too hard. Skype could be a good option.

(3) Plan for and treasure the times when you do get together. They will likely be fabulous and passionate. One thing that probably will not plague your relationship will be any sense of getting tired of each other sexually -- each time you are together it will all be fresh and exciting again. Use that to your benefit. Thinking about seeing each other again can be very erotic and may well keep you both entertained for many weeks before an actual visit.

(4) Use your time apart to better yourselves in other ways (more education, training, working out, career advancement etc.) and talk with each other about it a lot. If you are apart for career reasons, now is the time to educate each other thoroughly about just what it is that you do, and why it matters to you.

(5) Use your time apart to learn about each other emotionally and sexually. You may be amazed at the things you will find yourselves telling each other by email that you would never have spoken out loud to each other in million years, before being apart.

Anyway, don't let anyone tell you that long distance relationships cannot work -- sometimes. It is all about what you put into them. The most important thing is that both people buy into it equally.

One in a million relationships are that strong. Your idealism is a noble idea but the reality is that it never, ever, EVER works. If you feel so strongly for the person that it could work, then you two should be married and that contingency was listed in my initial reply. Yeah, if you were life mates this kind of distance is just a major pain because you still have the rest of your lives together. But for a casual to serious relationship, this kind of distance is death.

 

[MrBigDick]

I agree with Batwoman to a degree. You can use your being apart to your advantage, however, when you want that closeness with that person, when you want to hold them, or spend time with them or whatever, you can't because of the distance so your pretty much stuck with feeling them or connecting with them via a computer screen........not my cup of tea personally but that's my opinion.

 

[Batwoman]

But if you don't take the risk, you'll never know if it could have worked or not.

It's all fine and dandy to say that they should be married if they feel that strongly, but life doesn't always work out that conveniently. Maybe this separation will show that they both do want to be married to each other! Or not. But I think these things need to play out naturally, not be forced one way or the other. I just gave advice/thoughts for making the best of the situation as it is now. If a breakup happens, then so be it. But just saying that the whole thing is doomed from the start? That's harsh.

 

[rocknrolla]

Nice advice by batwoman as usual. I would add also that you should not put high expectations onto yours and hers shoulders. Just try it, if it works great, if not get over it. Getting overly emotive in such situations will only put pressure on both of you. Good luck

 

[Elias]

Yeah, just finish the long distance relationship. It won't work. Find a girl in your neighborhood and marry her! As we know, all the so called 'normal' relationships always work! It is a safe investment mate! Success rate is full 100% and life long satisfaction & happiness is guaranteed!

I tell you it's a bullet proof plan. Cannot fail.

 

[Mc Dong]

I agree with Batwoman to a degree. You can use your being apart to your advantage, however, when you want that closeness with that person, when you want to hold them, or spend time with them or whatever, you can't because of the distance so your pretty much stuck with feeling them or connecting with them via a computer screen........not my cup of tea personally but that's my opinion.

MrBigDick,

Yes. That is my current problem. I have a girl that I am madly in love with. But we can't spend time together. It really drives me crazy wanting to hang out with her and knowing that I can't. Yes, we do skype and it does helps. But it's not the same as actually being together. You are totally right on that one!

BW,

She left for work and is contracted for 3 years. Shes in her late 20's and I am early 30's. I could move there, but don't see that happening.

Yes, being apart makes the time together better, but the "being apart time" sucks. I am staying focused on my own life and career by getting involved in other activities. (class, adventure sports, nightlife, gym, triathlons, PE, etc. On the PE note, she has no idea about it. When I visit later this summer... shes gonna get it!!!!! Haha. She has no idea the trouble that is coming her way! She is my motivation for PE). Anyway, we do email and talk every few days. I send her hand written letters too. I also sent her a few care packages of goodies (books, snacks, pictures, and reminders of me). Talking about sexual fantasies was something we planned on doing, but haven't. We were already very open there and had a fantastic sex life together. I miss that part too. I am motivated to stay to together because of the long term possibility. Marriage was brought up, but neither of us want that right now. Down the line, yes, it is a serious possibility. Its the reason I am in the LDR.


Rocknrolla,

I agree about not setting high expectations because it puts pressure on both of us. But at the same time, if I take a casual approach, I could lose sight of how important she is to me and then meeting another girl wouldn't be a big deal. It wouldn't be hard either. In fact, I've already turned away temptation twice, which was hard because the lack of sex is also a real downer. AND... I don't want her taking a causal approach either. She is a very good looking woman (great smile, intoxicating laugh, intelligent and a nearly perfect body) and I know that guys are hitting on her. The last I need is her slipping up, cheating and then all of my dedication was a waste of time. I don't think cheating is a problem for either of us. But, staying 100% committed while so far apart is hard if we aren't trying to make this work long term. So, once again Rocknrolla I agree with you, but I have to have high expectations here. If not, then I think we could drift apart. Or at least I think I could.

The rest of the guys on this thread,

Thanks for your feedback. Everyone has their views and I appreciate hearing them. I plan to make this work. Over time, who knows what will happen. It could be a complete waste of time or the best thing I ever did.

thanks

MD

 

[Mc Dong]

One more....

Thanks to Elias,

Your PM was so true. Its hard to "turn off" the love you have for someone. There's no was I could wake up tomorrow and just stop the way I feel. Even if I wanted to walk away, it would be painful. A LDR is hard work, but if she's worth it, then so is the effort. Thanks

MD

 

[More]

Hey Guys,

Any one out there in a Long Distance Relationship? I am and it sucks. My girl just moved to a different hemisphere. Yep, really far.

How do you make it work? Any advice is GREATLY APPRECIATED.

We both are older, career focused and love each other. I want to make this work out and so does she. But visiting each other is not going to be frequent. Maybe 3 times a year. It's tough becasue I want to hang out with her, see here, etc, etc,etc, but can't. It's like losing a bestfriend.

Any thoughts?

MD

Dude you need constant contact i mean on the phone computer everything make the damn phone and instant messengers apart of you all! dude i've been there you have to keep close sleep on the phone together everything take her to the store on the phone keep the phone glued as much as you can. spend whole days together but still function in the world. Most importantly you all need to work out when your coming together again. having that goal to focus on is huge trust me. All in all if sex is not so important and you all constantly are in contact then you'll be fine in making it work but sexual control and trusting each other in that control needs to be talked about quickly! good luck!

 

[tahksis]

The rest of the guys on this thread,

Thanks for your feedback. Everyone has their views and I appreciate hearing them. I plan to make this work. Over time, who knows what will happen. It could be a complete waste of time or the best thing I ever did.

thanks

MD

Or it could ruin your friendship completely. I dont caution you against LDR's because they may fail, I do it because you may lose a friend, not just a girlfriend.

If your mutual love is strong enough to endure 3 years apart like that with maybe 2 visits a year, then you should marry her.

If you dont feel strongly enough to marry her, then you really should consider not being together during this time. Then there are no hard feelings one way or the other for things that happen. One of those things that can happen, btw, is misplaced resentment. Oftentimes even if a person is faithful, they resent the other person for all the missed opportunities they had while remaining faithful. It can build up and in time cause its own problems.

Its a ridiculously hard decision to make, and if I was in your shoes I would do the exact same thing you are. I would try to make it work. But I would also know the whole time that it was the wrong choice and I would pray every day for the willpower to just be friends while we were apart for the sake of the relationship in the future.

Ive never known a casual LDR to work. Ever. Not just for me, but for anyone. The only way is for you both to know that you already have who you want for the rest of your life and then the distance is not that far. Then you should get married. Just my two pennies.

 

[Elias]

One more....

Thanks to Elias,

Your PM was so true. Its hard to "turn off" the love you have for someone. There's no was I could wake up tomorrow and just stop the way I feel. Even if I wanted to walk away, it would be painful. A LDR is hard work, but if she's worth it, then so is the effort. Thanks

MD

No worries mate. Just write a line sometimes if you feel like sharing something. I have been in my LDR quite a long time so I know how it is. We meet maybe in every 3 months. We are planning to arrange our lives in a way that we can be together someday. It is not easy mate, there is no 'turning off'. The feelings are there still when I wake up tomorrow morning. I am 28 and she is turning 29 this year so it is not just a summer fling.

But take care now mate and drop me a line if you want. I can relate to your situation quite well.

 

[Mc Dong]

Tahksis,

You are correct. I could see myself holding a grudge or misplaced resentment if this LDR didn't work out. She left me. I stayed. If things didn't work out and I basically put my life on hold until she got back, then I would not be happy. I didn't actually put my life "on hold", but I am not trying to find "Mrs. Wonderful" anymore. Who knows... I could find someone else tomorrow if I looked. (yep, there's the misplace resentment you talked about) ARRRGGGHHHH.... Truth be told, I have thought about that. I miss doing the "couple" stuff and I could replace that stuff with a new lady in my life. But I brush it off because it's the wrong attitude to have. I don't want a new lady. Dating is a pain in the ass. Plus, my girl is too great to be replaced.

I don't think I could cut her loose and become/stay friends. If I found out she met a new guy, I would pissed. I mean really mad. Some other guy is with "my girl". I know that's not the wrong attitude (unfair to her), but that's how I see it. Granted, if over time we do distance ourselves, then maybe I'd be ok with her moving on. But not now. Not in the near future.

I guess I have to stay focused and see what happens.

Thanks for all the great feedback. I wasn't sure what kind of responses I'd get. Everyone's offered me a different flavor of what I've already been pondering. It's nice to know others have been through it too.

thanks

MD

 

[MrBigDick]

If I can ask Mc Dong, why is it exactly you don't move to where she is? If she's going to be there for several years and unless you CANNOT move there (i.e. she's stationed in Iraq or something), why don't you want to relocate?

 

[Mc Dong]

No, not military. She is contacted through the to government to establish and develop cultural diplomacy in rural areas in South America.

My technology profession doesn't exist in areas where there isn't any type of communication infrastructure. Plus I don't speak Spanish.

Yes, I could move there. But I would have to put my career on hold. Which on one hand could be fun, but at the same time, when we got back, I'd probably have to take a step back in the career path due to being out of the game for a couple years. I thought about trying to get consultant work there, but that's such a long shot. And again, the language issue would be a huge obstacle.

I was kicking around the idea of a visiting and staying for a few months. That might be an option in 2011. Can't do it now.

MD