JP,you have a great,spect sense of humor. Was literally in tears laughing. The Victoria's Secret one was hilarious 
A Laugh for the Forum
- Thread starter JonPop
- Start date
An old man approaches the window of a cinema,with a chicken on his shoulders and asks for 2 tickets.The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.He replies "Well,my pet chicken of course!"
"I'm sorry", the girl tells him "We dont allow animals in the cinema"
The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers.He goes to the window,buys the ticket and goes in.Inside the cinema,the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm,so the man unzips his trousers so that the chicken can stick its head out and watch the film.
Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, "Agnes,this man over here just unzipped his trousers!"
Agnes whispers back, "Oh Madge,dont worry about it......you've seen one and you've seen them all."
Madge exclaims, "I KNOW.........but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"
"I'm sorry", the girl tells him "We dont allow animals in the cinema"
The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers.He goes to the window,buys the ticket and goes in.Inside the cinema,the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm,so the man unzips his trousers so that the chicken can stick its head out and watch the film.
Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, "Agnes,this man over here just unzipped his trousers!"
Agnes whispers back, "Oh Madge,dont worry about it......you've seen one and you've seen them all."
Madge exclaims, "I KNOW.........but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"
The Priest's Question
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'All the women stood up.'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?'Half the women stood up.'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up
The priest fainted
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'All the women stood up.'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?'Half the women stood up.'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up
The priest fainted
Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
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Cuz they both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
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Cuz they both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
Hello,
I will find you take you to bed and have my way with you for several days. You will moan and groan endlessly and beg me to stop but I won't. I will exhaust you and leave you weak, sweaty and unable to move. All you will think about is me.
Sincerely yours,
The Flu
I will find you take you to bed and have my way with you for several days. You will moan and groan endlessly and beg me to stop but I won't. I will exhaust you and leave you weak, sweaty and unable to move. All you will think about is me.
Sincerely yours,
The Flu
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- Location
- Reunited with his dear wife Holly.
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n . An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n . An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Ode to Turtling
Ode to Turtling
To never let it turtle
is quite a hurdle
that must be overcome
to get that long dong
Ode to Turtling
To never let it turtle
is quite a hurdle
that must be overcome
to get that long dong
Very clever. I am drunk and have thought of a couple.
Panus - When you or your partner are incredibly sore from giving/receiving anal sex
forgasm - A group ejaculation
Fishing Trip
Fishing Trip
A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8 Lb walleye on the first cast and a 7 Lb on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever walleye over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 walleye over 10 pounds. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital... He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!' 'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!'
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just fuckin' with ya. She's dead. What'd you catch?'
Fishing Trip
A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8 Lb walleye on the first cast and a 7 Lb on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever walleye over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 walleye over 10 pounds. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital... He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!' 'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!'
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just fuckin' with ya. She's dead. What'd you catch?'
Golf Genie
Golf Genie
Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary.. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a yea r for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
' NO S***.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
JonPop fucking with the golfers.
Golf Genie
Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary.. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a yea r for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
' NO S***.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
JonPop fucking with the golfers.
Camels
Camels
Nine out of ten doctors that tried Camels, went back to women.
And: After a hard day of riding the hump, the Camel Drivers sit down and eat their dates.
Camels
Nine out of ten doctors that tried Camels, went back to women.
And: After a hard day of riding the hump, the Camel Drivers sit down and eat their dates.
- Joined
- Feb 8, 2008
- Messages
- 16,754
- Reaction score
- 500
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- 0
- Location
- Reunited with his dear wife Holly.
TOP 10 COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night, That Chewed My Ass All Day Long
(jP
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night, That Chewed My Ass All Day Long
(jP
Personally i was always fond of: I've Got Tears in My Ears, From Lying on My Back, Crying in My Bed Over You.
The Minister
The Minister
The young minister of the Vermilion Methodist Church was so blessed by the Creator in the matter of penal length, that after the first few months all the ladies in the congregation avoided him, fearing his length would ruin their tonsils from the bottom.
Blessed also with a libdo to match the size of his schlong, the Reverend decided to visit a whorehouse in nearby Oswego. Arriving at the house of ill repute, which catered mainly to sailors from the harbor, he was as a man of God given special treatment.
He felt that even the ladies might be a bit taken back by the size of his member so he insisted up both he and the lady of the evening undress in total darkness. After wards they clambered into bed.
Turning to him as he was about to pounce, she said: Perhaps Reverend after we are done you could tell me more about Jehesuss Christ.
The Minister
The young minister of the Vermilion Methodist Church was so blessed by the Creator in the matter of penal length, that after the first few months all the ladies in the congregation avoided him, fearing his length would ruin their tonsils from the bottom.
Blessed also with a libdo to match the size of his schlong, the Reverend decided to visit a whorehouse in nearby Oswego. Arriving at the house of ill repute, which catered mainly to sailors from the harbor, he was as a man of God given special treatment.
He felt that even the ladies might be a bit taken back by the size of his member so he insisted up both he and the lady of the evening undress in total darkness. After wards they clambered into bed.
Turning to him as he was about to pounce, she said: Perhaps Reverend after we are done you could tell me more about Jehesuss Christ.
Then the fight started
Then the fight started
This is probably posted here somewhere, but is worth posting again.
This is funny
Then the fight started
This is probably posted here somewhere, but is worth posting again.
This is funny
AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED.......
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started...
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror and
she is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started...
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started...
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started...
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95...
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink
as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She' s my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife.
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security..
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age..
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience
at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten Disability, too!
And that's how the fight got started...
I took my wife to a restaurant..
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'
The waiter said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight got started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat
to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.
'My loving wife of 10 years replied,
'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight got started
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started...
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror and
she is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started...
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started...
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started...
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95...
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink
as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She' s my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife.
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security..
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age..
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience
at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten Disability, too!
And that's how the fight got started...
I took my wife to a restaurant..
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'
The waiter said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight got started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat
to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.
'My loving wife of 10 years replied,
'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight got started
I wanted to be a country singer too and even wrote a few tunes but nobody liked my titles- like- "I Love You So Fuckin Much I Could sh*t", and " Don't Forget To Lick My Balls"
