unsure, what to do?

[longerlastingnoob]

I was a bit reluctant to put this up but since I'm on here quite a lot and theres so much good advice I decided to.
My gf and I split yesterday, but it wasn't like we both completely decided thats it, or one of us did. We had an argument, and things derailed a lot and then she said maybe that's it we should split up. I said probably ye, and it escalted to the two of us giving reasons why we shouldn't stay together. But I know it's not what I really wanted or how I feel, and I'm fairly sure it's the same for her but in the back of my head I'm thinking she may of wanted to but was too nice to do it out of fear of hurting me.
She didn't seem convincing when she said it and when she left, but again that might be because she's upset she's hurt me not because she wants to stay together. I was thinking all day yesterday and in work today wether I should just say no it's not what I want, but if she were to say it's what she wants I woukd feel sh*t which is whats holding me back.
I've gone long periods without seeing her but never a day without texting or calling, and if I didn't see her for 2 weeks I'd still know I would. But not knowing is fucking with my head, and I'm not the type of person that gets hung up on things or wears there heart on their sleeve, I can't say for sure I love her ( haven't told her) but it is the first time I've thought of anyone like this.
I don't know if I should call and say what I want to say or leave it and give some time and let it work out. I know that advice can't be followed directly from anyone without knowing the full story, really it's just a place to vent.

 

[Biscut]

It depends on what you want.
1. Let her go and make sure this is a break up.
2. go buy some flowers and make up

If you date any woman you need to ask yourself can I see myself married to her? Because.... that happens a lot in long term relationships. If you think probably, go get her back. If you want to keep test driving for a wife, then dont.

 

[CUSP82]

Just give it time. My wife and I broke up 4,356 times before we got married. It's what young people do.

 

[JamesLong]

At the end of the day it comes down to one thing, what do you really want. If you want this relationship or not because if this is a relationship you want then on the terms it sounds like you ended there is no reason to let her walk out of your life without actually knowing if this was just her easy out. But if you are fine to move on and this isn't " the one" then move on.

Sorry to hear about your current situation as well, I hope you find the answers your'e looking for.

 

[longerlastingnoob]

It depends on what you want.
1. Let her go and make sure this is a break up.
2. go buy some flowers and make up

If you date any woman you need to ask yourself can I see myself married to her? Because.... that happens a lot in long term relationships. If you think probably, go get her back. If you want to keep test driving for a wife, then dont.

Were too young to think about marriage, but old and mature enough for the relationship.
I'm not testing or anything just not 100% if I do love her, and I wouldn't tell her unless I knew.
She told me she did and I had to respond with what I said, that I don't know. But yes I think a little time is best. But just caught between leaving it too long and not being able to go back or saying what i feel and getting crushed cause it would actually hurt like fuck.

 

[longerlastingnoob]

Cusp thanks, when you had these did you lay it all out or wait and let her ( and you) get back together?

 

[longerlastingnoob]

At the end of the day it comes down to one thing, what do you really want. If you want this relationship or not because if this is a relationship you want then on the terms it sounds like you ended there is no reason to let her walk out of your life without actually knowing if this was just her easy out. But if you are fine to move on and this isn't " the one" then move on.

Sorry to hear about your current situation as well, I hope you find the answers your'e looking for.

I want the relationship, want her no question. It's the thought of her not wanting it and me going all in for her to say no or I don't want you thats got me fucked.
My chest is racing when I think about it.

 

[Sean Jacobs]

Great advice so far. I agree, you really need to think about what you want.

Here is a suggestion: Make a list of things you want in a woman (potential wife). Write down absolutely everything you can think of and be completely honest with yourself about what you want. Take your time it may take a few days to complete. When done, rate each one on the list with a 1 (absolutely must have, no compromise), 2 (really want to have), or 3 (nice to have, but can do without). Now that you have the list you can compare this woman to the list - she MUST have all the 1's, she MUST have most of the 2's (at least 80%), and it would be great if she has a decent amount of the 3's. This can be a very helpful way to decide if someone you are dating can be someone you could potentially marry. If she makes the list, you should seriously think about getting her back.

If I had a list like this prior to marrying my ex-wife, I would have ended that relationship before the marriage. After I divorced my ex I made this list (at the recommendation of a counselor) and dated several women who didn't make the cut...my current wife did make the cut and we have been happily married for 9 years.

 

[Sean Jacobs]

I want the relationship, want her no question. It's the thought of her not wanting it and me going all in for her to say no or I don't want you thats got me fucked.
My chest is racing when I think about it.

Feel fear, take a deep breath, and then go for it. If you don't try, you've lost her. Is she worth trying?

 

[CUSP82]

Cusp thanks, when you had these did you lay it all out or wait and let her ( and you) get back together?

Sometimes I laid it all out;sometimes she did. Sometimes she threw things ( never forget to duck) and all the while I had the same thoughts as you; maybe she really doesn't like me, she hates me, she found someone else. Nope just give it time and if it was meant to be it will be.

 

[longerlastingnoob]

Sean, thank you but marriage is something far down the line if ever. I would make a list but I think it's more radical and irrational. I could make my perfect list and my perfect woman could defy everything on it. But I get if shes worth it go for it just dk.

 

[longerlastingnoob]

I texted her.

 

[TPW]

Hey LLN,

So sorry to hear what's happened.

From what you have written, it sounds like your disagreement turned into quite an emotional situation for both of you and as a result, things were said in anger and frustration that led to feelings being hurt and a breakup. But as Cusp indicated, this not an uncommon scenario, many couples breakup and makeup. (haven't you ever heard of makeup sex?)

My recommendation is that even if she isn't "the one", she is still important to you and you don't sound like you really want to breakup (neither does she) so I would extend an olive branch. You can do all the thinking you like but until you two actually talk, you are not going to get anywhere. You have both calmed down so the conversation should run more smoothly than it did yesterday.

Even the worst case scenario - her not wanting to work it out - will at least give you closure.

 

[Party]

The fear to commit, from both of you and the fear of rejection are both powerfull feelings. To allow someone into your heart or not? If you do love her and play it safe then you'll never really know what it's like for two to become one. Either choice is scarey. Good luck

 

[longerlastingnoob]

Text her but I'm still waiting, swear to god I'm nervous as fuck.

 

[TPW]

Text her but I'm still waiting, swear to god I'm nervous as fuck.

Just breathe fella, it will be okay.

 

[popol5169]

Thanks for creating this thread and sharing this with us.
You help plenty of members here and deserve the same in return.

 

[Qarzan]

LLN, break ups are hard. I understand where you are right now. I've gone through the near break-up many times with my current g/f. And you know what? We're still together, because I decided that she's worth it. Apparently she thought I was worth it, too.

If you date any woman you need to ask yourself can I see myself married to her? Because.... that happens a lot in long term relationships. If you think probably, go get her back. If you want to keep test driving for a wife, then dont.

I can see what you're saying here, Biscut. My perspective with these kinds of things is different. I can't "get her back" because she either wants me or not. I can say that I don't want to break up, and then I need to wait for her response. Only if she feels the same, will we get back together. But, she isn't a piece of property for me to manipulate and convince. She makes up her own mind.

I'm not testing or anything just not 100% if I do love her, and I wouldn't tell her unless I knew.

And this is a paradox. If you don't tell her you love her, she won't ever feel it. And, you won't ever feel it. However, if you do tell her, that gives way to the possibility of you feeling it.

It goes to the paradigm that there are two ways to use language: to describe the world, and then to create the world. The first is to see what's there right now. The second is to cause and create something. Say it, and then it happens. Say "I love you," and then you will.

Another paradigm that is similar: actions follow feelings, or feelings follow actions. Most people, when deciding what to do, search their feelings. "Well, I don't feel like doing it, so I won't." On the other hand, what I've found is more powerful is the idea that feelings follow actions: if I do it, then I'll feel it. And it works. It really, really works. "I don't feel like doing it, but I'll do it anyways." And then my life changes.

It's why I'm still together with my girlfriend. Feelings betray our commitments. Sometimes I love her, sometimes I don't. What's important is that, when I don't love her, I still do the things that lovers do; I call her, I talk to her, I listen to her, I kiss her and make her feel important. And out of doing those loving things, those feelings of love come back.

So the real question transforms from, "Do I love her?" to "Am I committed to her?" If you are, take actions accordingly.

I want the relationship, want her no question. It's the thought of her not wanting it and me going all in for her to say no or I don't want you thats got me fucked.
My chest is racing when I think about it.

Yes, fear. It's a strong emotion. What's worked for me in relating to my own fear, is equating it with how important something is to me. I get scared when something I really care about is on the line.

Fear doesn't mean I should avoid it; I take it to mean that I need to do it right away. It's so important that I'm afraid that I'll fail. So, do it. Do it now. At least I'll have my answer, whatever it is, sooner rather than later.

We're all gonna die anyways. Nobody gets out of life alive. Now or never.

 

[TheGreatDivider]

Too much mind reading. You don't know why she decided to breakup with you, only that she broke up with you.

I can tell you from experience that she's been thinking about breaking up with you for a while, and it wasn't a spur or the moment decision simply because you had a heated argument. Her reason for leaving wasn't the real reason either. The first reason is never the real reason.

The best thing you can do is agree with her decision and leave her alone. Do not call her. Do not text her. Do not try to buy her love with flowers or presents. Just accept it and move on. She really did you a favor by cutting you loose instead of keeping you in a relationship she didn't want to be a part of.

 

[Eazygeezer]

Hey buddy, sorry you're going through the ringer.

I think great caution should be advised in airing anyone's 'failings', mainly because the person with them is usually well aware of them (unless they are retarded) and if you care deeply about someone you don't generally tell them how sh*t they are.

You didn't say if it was you or her who brought these points up and I think that is a key part of what's happened. If you started it, she is probably just reacting and saying the stuff to hurt you and protect herself. If she started it, then I'm afraid she is likely to have been considering those things already!

Plus you have said that she loves you but you're not sure if you love her, well the simple answer is, unsure = no, and women are not dumb, she is probably highly aware that you haven't reciprocated the feelings. As I wasn't there to witness it and don't know either of you personally an accurate assessment is difficult.

There are now 2 options available to you and only you can decide which you need to follow.

Option 1 - move on, treat this one as a learning experience and don't make the same mistake again

Option 2 - make the gesture, apologise tell her that you care for her deeply and want to get back together. For fucks sake though don't beg, she will lose all respect for you! If she says sorry it's over then you have to pretend you don't care, your reply text should simply say "ok" nothing more then delete her number and move on.

Personally I would take option 2, you don't have to be a wuss or anything, at least this way, by fighting for her you show you do actually care. If it goes tits up, option 2 defaults to option 1. you will feel bad for a while but from reading your posts on here you seem like a good bloke and I have no doubt you will find someone else further down the line. If you only go with option 1, you will never know how things might have turned out.

I wish you luck brother!