Thanks for the tip. But do YOU feel pleasure when you orgasm? Is there sensation at all? It seems when we try he only wants to get to the main attraction to see if it's going to be the same thing, if HE'S going to feel anything else. Yes he's circumcised.
A Woman Desperately trying to help her man
- Thread starter ImWithMiserable
- Start date
Thanks for the tip. But do YOU feel pleasure when you orgasm? Is there sensation at all? It seems when we try he only wants to get to the main attraction to see if it's going to be the same thing, if HE'S going to feel anything else. Yes he's circumcised.
Hey IWM! I welcome you!
It's fantastic that you're willing to help your BF.
For me, the greatest pleasure in sex is watching my partner enjoy it. So I've worked very hard over the past few months to be a better sexual partner. I do enjoy "getting off", but it's more a sense of relief and satisfaction than pleasure. Could just be me. When I'm having really great sex, the pleasure is in the feeling and enjoying my partner's beautiful body. And watching her genuinely enjoy it is a beautiful thing. Guide him gently to show him what pleases you. Many guys are self-conscious, we feel "we should know, dammit!" - and for a lot of of, that's why we watch porn, to see what works. Porn is movies, and just like action movies, it's not all real. Some of us take a while to understand that!
Here are a couple of things that helped me significantly:
Diet: I wasn't eating enough. Bringing the number of healthy calories and whole foods and nutrients up had a significant *SIGNIFICANT* impact on my testosterone production.
Kegels: I started a Kegel routine to get my erection back to strength. A half hour a day. (I also do PE exercises, as explained here under JonPop's 90 Day thread - so that's an HOUR and a HALF per day - it's a HUGE amount of time I don't have, but for me it's worth it.)
Exercise: The only way my body can function properly and use those calories and nutrients well is if I'm getting a good amount of hard, sweaty exercise. Yes, sex counts, but in a different way. Stretching and exercising properly to get a great spinal and muscular alignment allows everything to work the way it's supposed to.
Cutting out porn: I stopped watching porn, and for me, it made me better appreciate my partner's body and the *feelings*, the sensual tactile aspects of sex more than before. For many people it can become largely visual, and as men, we're so visual to start with...
Cutting out masturbation: I thought if I masturbated more, my body would react and be able to do more - it would adapt to the increased need for sex by increasing my sex drive. The opposite happened for me. I enjoy sex a great deal more when I don't masturbate, when instead I "build up" that sexual energy over time.
Edging: In fact, for me, there are times now that after a few times having sex, if I don't have the opportunity to build up that energy, I'll have sex WITHOUT the express intent of coming to orgasm. I'll have sex just for the pleasure of it to build that energy and allow my erection to subside and rest and get back to whatever else. Then, when I'm ready to go at it again, it's better! And if I can stop myself - if I want to, then when I come back a third time it's explosive! I don't know why, but the pain and discomfort of "blue balls" sometimes just doesn't happen to me.
On that note, you've got to understand that if a man is ready to ejaculate, it's most often best to help him make it happen. It can be INCREDIBLY discomforting to not ejaculate, and it causes irritability, stomach pain, and just downright sucks.
Understanding that much of most erectile issues is mental: As soon as I got my head around this fact, I was able to mentally combat the problem. Otherwise, it's a downward spiral of self-doubt and inadequacy!
*** Here's why my advice is relevant: I have a really hard time enjoying sex with a condom. I can't feel much of anything and it can take me a VERY long time (not like a good long time, but like a way too long, frustratingly long) time to come to orgasm.
I took a lot of time to find the right condom. There are online condom shops that offer sampler packs of condoms and lubes. This can really help to make your sex life fun - and that IS something you should focus on with your partner, try to make sure it's relaxing, enjoyable and fun. Don't put pressure on him to do anything! He has to be ready, and as is often the case in life, we need to learn these things the hard way, on our own.
Could be something as simple as changing the kind of underwear... Maybe take him to Vicky's one day to pick something out for you, and then say "My turn" and see if you can get him to try out boxers, or briefs or boxer briefs for a while. That could have an impact on the nerves in his penis...
You're doing great by asking. It's SUCH a difficult thing to talk about with us - we're so damned sensitive! We're trained that we're supposed to know everything about sex, but WE DON'T. And we kinda have to learn on our own.
So continue to be supportive and gentle, but I would recommend trying to get a conversation going about it. And open and understanding conversation will help your relationship a lot more than you sneaking around behind his back trying to help.
It's a DIFFICULT subject to broach, but I get the impression you're a bright one. So take some time, formulate a few strategies, and see what you think might work. We're here to help!
Best of luck!
It's fantastic that you're willing to help your BF.
For me, the greatest pleasure in sex is watching my partner enjoy it. So I've worked very hard over the past few months to be a better sexual partner. I do enjoy "getting off", but it's more a sense of relief and satisfaction than pleasure. Could just be me. When I'm having really great sex, the pleasure is in the feeling and enjoying my partner's beautiful body. And watching her genuinely enjoy it is a beautiful thing. Guide him gently to show him what pleases you. Many guys are self-conscious, we feel "we should know, dammit!" - and for a lot of of, that's why we watch porn, to see what works. Porn is movies, and just like action movies, it's not all real. Some of us take a while to understand that!
Here are a couple of things that helped me significantly:
Diet: I wasn't eating enough. Bringing the number of healthy calories and whole foods and nutrients up had a significant *SIGNIFICANT* impact on my testosterone production.
Kegels: I started a Kegel routine to get my erection back to strength. A half hour a day. (I also do PE exercises, as explained here under JonPop's 90 Day thread - so that's an HOUR and a HALF per day - it's a HUGE amount of time I don't have, but for me it's worth it.)
Exercise: The only way my body can function properly and use those calories and nutrients well is if I'm getting a good amount of hard, sweaty exercise. Yes, sex counts, but in a different way. Stretching and exercising properly to get a great spinal and muscular alignment allows everything to work the way it's supposed to.
Cutting out porn: I stopped watching porn, and for me, it made me better appreciate my partner's body and the *feelings*, the sensual tactile aspects of sex more than before. For many people it can become largely visual, and as men, we're so visual to start with...
Cutting out masturbation: I thought if I masturbated more, my body would react and be able to do more - it would adapt to the increased need for sex by increasing my sex drive. The opposite happened for me. I enjoy sex a great deal more when I don't masturbate, when instead I "build up" that sexual energy over time.
Edging: In fact, for me, there are times now that after a few times having sex, if I don't have the opportunity to build up that energy, I'll have sex WITHOUT the express intent of coming to orgasm. I'll have sex just for the pleasure of it to build that energy and allow my erection to subside and rest and get back to whatever else. Then, when I'm ready to go at it again, it's better! And if I can stop myself - if I want to, then when I come back a third time it's explosive! I don't know why, but the pain and discomfort of "blue balls" sometimes just doesn't happen to me.
On that note, you've got to understand that if a man is ready to ejaculate, it's most often best to help him make it happen. It can be INCREDIBLY discomforting to not ejaculate, and it causes irritability, stomach pain, and just downright sucks.
Understanding that much of most erectile issues is mental: As soon as I got my head around this fact, I was able to mentally combat the problem. Otherwise, it's a downward spiral of self-doubt and inadequacy!
*** Here's why my advice is relevant: I have a really hard time enjoying sex with a condom. I can't feel much of anything and it can take me a VERY long time (not like a good long time, but like a way too long, frustratingly long) time to come to orgasm.
I took a lot of time to find the right condom. There are online condom shops that offer sampler packs of condoms and lubes. This can really help to make your sex life fun - and that IS something you should focus on with your partner, try to make sure it's relaxing, enjoyable and fun. Don't put pressure on him to do anything! He has to be ready, and as is often the case in life, we need to learn these things the hard way, on our own.
Could be something as simple as changing the kind of underwear... Maybe take him to Vicky's one day to pick something out for you, and then say "My turn" and see if you can get him to try out boxers, or briefs or boxer briefs for a while. That could have an impact on the nerves in his penis...
You're doing great by asking. It's SUCH a difficult thing to talk about with us - we're so damned sensitive! We're trained that we're supposed to know everything about sex, but WE DON'T. And we kinda have to learn on our own.
So continue to be supportive and gentle, but I would recommend trying to get a conversation going about it. And open and understanding conversation will help your relationship a lot more than you sneaking around behind his back trying to help.
It's a DIFFICULT subject to broach, but I get the impression you're a bright one. So take some time, formulate a few strategies, and see what you think might work. We're here to help!
Best of luck!
Excellent post there! This is excellent advice.
ALSO OP, keep in mind that though the anti-depressant he is on could be helping; but it has a reputation for causing/worsening mood swings if genetically or biochemically susceptible. Anything that has an antihistamine property can paradoxically cause overstimulation, even though antihistamines themselves are thought to be sedating....some people's receptors sensitize really quick...and the antihistamine effect is no longer prevalent...and the other properties of the drug then over ride and it becomes difficult to foretell the answer and distinguish what is or isn't biochemical, psychological - or both.
Hi, Yes I do feel a lot of pleasure when I orgasm. I can't say I have ever had the same problem as your partner. I'm uncircumcised which means the head of my penis is much more sensitive. Circumcised men lose sensitivity because its unprotected and as it rubs on clothing the skin gets tougher.
Has he always had this problem as long as he can remember ? Its very unfortunate for you's both.
But I still maintain that if his main goal is to make you happy, that doesn't necessarily mean that he needs to feel pleasure during orgasm.
But it now looks like he is in the mindset when going into sex that it will result in failure. So this will be on his mind from the start and take away from the whole experience. He's probably preoccupied by it totally and like you said, wants to get to the end to see if he has an improved outcome.
I would suggest don't wait for him to initiate sex, you begin. Try to keep things away from him going into you to prolong the event. So you give him oral first, slowly.. and then ask him to do the same for you, before you get down to sex. Let him see that there are other things that you enjoy and perhaps he will relax and enjoy things more.
Its possible some of the problem is anxiety related.
Good luck.
T_E
Pirate
Retired Administrator, PEGym Hero
Marie,
Welcome aboard.
I think you are getting lots of good advice here so I will not jump in except to say that I think yours is a very lucky man to have a woman like you.
You might find this thread helpful: https://www.pegym.com/forums/womans-perspective/12031-welcome-new-ladies.html
Yarr!
Welcome aboard.
I think you are getting lots of good advice here so I will not jump in except to say that I think yours is a very lucky man to have a woman like you.
You might find this thread helpful: https://www.pegym.com/forums/womans-perspective/12031-welcome-new-ladies.html
Yarr!
First of all to reiterate what a previous poster said, you are a special person, there are many women who would discard a partner for these types of issues.
I sometimes suffer from the same problem, not experiencing the feeling of orgasm, it's related to mental and emotional issues for me. As someone who has suffered with depression and having a partner who suffers with it, I would also consider asking him to try a different antidepressant and see if he feels less lethargic and "bothered" about anything.
The most important thing is to try and get him to open up and talk to you, if he doesn't tell you how he feels and what's wrong how are you going to understand his problems and try to help him. The problem is that antidepressants make you not give a sh*t so it can also be a contributory factor as well!
If you can get him to come on here there are people with tons of experience I these areas who are happy to help!
More detail from the consultant is a must as well, don't be afraid of a second opinion if you're not happy.
I wish you both well!
I sometimes suffer from the same problem, not experiencing the feeling of orgasm, it's related to mental and emotional issues for me. As someone who has suffered with depression and having a partner who suffers with it, I would also consider asking him to try a different antidepressant and see if he feels less lethargic and "bothered" about anything.
The most important thing is to try and get him to open up and talk to you, if he doesn't tell you how he feels and what's wrong how are you going to understand his problems and try to help him. The problem is that antidepressants make you not give a sh*t so it can also be a contributory factor as well!
If you can get him to come on here there are people with tons of experience I these areas who are happy to help!
More detail from the consultant is a must as well, don't be afraid of a second opinion if you're not happy.
I wish you both well!
Looking4more
Retired Moderator, Member of the Month Feb 2013,
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Welcome to the Gym Marie.
You are most definitely welcome here and your boyfriend would be as well.
Try to get him to look around here. Hopefully he'll realize that he's not alone and there is a lot of wisdom that can be gained from the members here. I had problems as well and cured them essentially with the knowledge I gained here.
A second opinion is surely needed. His first doc seems to be an idiot. I pray he'll see another one before his depression gets any worse.
We will be more than happy to have you around as long as you wish to stay. You can learn much here and I'm sure can teach us alot as well. Feel free to ask any questions you like either on the open forum or by PM if you wish. Good luck.
You are most definitely welcome here and your boyfriend would be as well.
Try to get him to look around here. Hopefully he'll realize that he's not alone and there is a lot of wisdom that can be gained from the members here. I had problems as well and cured them essentially with the knowledge I gained here.
A second opinion is surely needed. His first doc seems to be an idiot. I pray he'll see another one before his depression gets any worse.
We will be more than happy to have you around as long as you wish to stay. You can learn much here and I'm sure can teach us alot as well. Feel free to ask any questions you like either on the open forum or by PM if you wish. Good luck.
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Hello Marie. Ladies are very welcome here, and we're glad you sought help with us.
Sorry to hear of your boyfriends current situation. As you have seen, the great community here is very knowledgeable, and willing to offer their support and advice.
Hopefully, the great input here has helped some. And of course, you seem very supportive, which can mean a whole lot.
If he chooses to join, he will receive the same offer of help, support, and encouragement from us. And feel free to stay and ask anything, or give your input too!
Wishing you both the best, and hope to see both of you in the future.
Sorry to hear of your boyfriends current situation. As you have seen, the great community here is very knowledgeable, and willing to offer their support and advice.
Hopefully, the great input here has helped some. And of course, you seem very supportive, which can mean a whole lot.
If he chooses to join, he will receive the same offer of help, support, and encouragement from us. And feel free to stay and ask anything, or give your input too!
Wishing you both the best, and hope to see both of you in the future.
I think all the advice has been great, but I think it is possible a piece of the puzzle might be missing in the advice. If the issue is related to how he holds himself two therapies might help. First massage on his back and buttocks, and upper thighs. Secondly chiropractic and or acupuncture can very much help. A lot of time we think our problem is in our penis, but actually it is in our spine. If you are willing and he is willing you could also try prostate massage. You can get good information about this procedure if you look up prostrate milking. It can be taboo so Dont sneak up on him with it, but it has been the only way I can really feel an orgasm intensely. Welcome to the forums and good luck.
drfrankencock
Senior Member, Member of the Month Oct 2014, PEG
Hi Marie. Just noticed this thread, and it's gonna take a while to read through and see if I have anything helpful to add, but it looks like you're getting lots of replies. I trust you now feel welcome here. And you most certainly are. 
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Hello Marie :wave:
I am so sorry to hear about your current circumstances. Please know that you are most welcomed here and we, both female and male members alike, are more than happy to help with any questions and concerns you and/or your boyfriend may have.
Since the guys have already provided you with some outstanding information and insight, I will just let you know that we are all here to further assist you in any way we can.
I am so sorry to hear about your current circumstances. Please know that you are most welcomed here and we, both female and male members alike, are more than happy to help with any questions and concerns you and/or your boyfriend may have.
Since the guys have already provided you with some outstanding information and insight, I will just let you know that we are all here to further assist you in any way we can.
burtybasset
Retired Moderator, Member of the Month May 2014,
Welcome to the gym Marie!
Don't sell yourself short, you sound like a very special lady trying to help your boyfriend. Us guys can be stubborn, solitary creatures that won't always seek help or don't always appreciate our significant other as much as we should.
My wife will badger me to go to the doctors if I'm not well, but I always put off going unless I feel like I'm dying or my body isn't going to fix itself, it's a guy thing! Or at least a stubborn guy thing!!
Anyway great to have another lady on board, I hope you find some answers and you can strengthen your bond with your partner again! Good luck, stay positive!
Don't sell yourself short, you sound like a very special lady trying to help your boyfriend. Us guys can be stubborn, solitary creatures that won't always seek help or don't always appreciate our significant other as much as we should.
My wife will badger me to go to the doctors if I'm not well, but I always put off going unless I feel like I'm dying or my body isn't going to fix itself, it's a guy thing! Or at least a stubborn guy thing!!
Anyway great to have another lady on board, I hope you find some answers and you can strengthen your bond with your partner again! Good luck, stay positive!
What everyone else said Marie! Welcome! See if you can get him on board here - he will be most welcome as well! The members here are a great source of knowledge and encouragement
You are more than welcome here and there are certainly plenty of guys and girls to offer help.
As one of the few gals and a recent addition I have to say that I admire your ability to step into the unknown and ask for help. You are in a tough situation. It would be one thing if you were only dealing with the sex issues, but the anger issues add a whole new dimension.
Aside from the sex issues, are you happy in your relationship? You have clearly been distraught. If another woman told me that her BF had anger issues (regardless of what the sex is like) I would tell her to walk away. I spent many years living in a house wherein You never knew what would trigger the next explosion. It makes you anxious. It makes you second guess yourself.
Although I admire your attempts to help your man, he ultimately needs to help himself. You need to help yourself. It sounds like there is more to this relationship than ED.
Mrs. ATP - Awesome advice! You hit the nail on the head. Legally, I deal with the kind of anger issues you just described every day and every word of what you said is unfortunately true.
Things were good until all of this started, but to be honest, since this started (for the past year) I've been pretty miserable. There were numerous times I've wanted to break things off with him because I really am tired of being his verbal punching bag. When he gets angry and miserable I am the one who gets the brunt of it. I told him yesterday that he needs to figure out how to talk to the woman that you love and then do it, because he was being so disrespectful. I've known him for so long. He was never like this until the sex issue started.
Thank you for the advice. You and everyone.
I managed to get a little more info out of him. He now tells me that the urologist told him that there is nerve AND tissue damage. He admitted that the doctor said it was caused by chronic masturbation / being rough with his penis. He was embarrassed to tell me that before. He's on 40 mg of Remeron.
And....I want to crawl in a hole.
Thanks for listening
And....I want to crawl in a hole.
Thanks for listening
You should never settle for being the brunt of anyone's anger, regardless of the reason. Maybe he needs some time to get himself sorted out. Maybe the added pressure of a relationship and worries about letting you down are exacerbating the problem. You could be doing him a favor by letting him go to work out his issues. I know you want to support him, but sometimes the pressure of someone trying to help makes the problem worse because you feel like someone is waiting on you to get better when what you really need to do is take care of yourself.
Meds or not, his misery train is taking you for a ride. You need to make sure you are ultimately taking your own best interests to heart. His medical issues are not going to go away and his mental health issues are his to handle. You are right to stick up for yourself, but the best bet may be to take yourself out of the situation. That doesn't mean you don't love him or support him, but you may be better off doing it from a distance.
Give yourself a big hug!
Meds or not, his misery train is taking you for a ride. You need to make sure you are ultimately taking your own best interests to heart. His medical issues are not going to go away and his mental health issues are his to handle. You are right to stick up for yourself, but the best bet may be to take yourself out of the situation. That doesn't mean you don't love him or support him, but you may be better off doing it from a distance.
Give yourself a big hug!
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His chronic masturbation issue is not related to you nor to your interrelationship.
Nothing justifies him taking out his problems on you, he needs to control his anger and sort things out, you are supporting him through rough times, and he should be appreciative and treat you well.
It is possible to reverse the damage, but he needs to give his penis enough time for recovery, nerve damage takes time to heal, patience is a must.
Nothing justifies him taking out his problems on you, he needs to control his anger and sort things out, you are supporting him through rough times, and he should be appreciative and treat you well.
It is possible to reverse the damage, but he needs to give his penis enough time for recovery, nerve damage takes time to heal, patience is a must.
Looking4more
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I managed to get a little more info out of him. He now tells me that the urologist told him that there is nerve AND tissue damage. He admitted that the doctor said it was caused by chronic masturbation / being rough with his penis. He was embarrassed to tell me that before. He's on 40 mg of Remeron.
And....I want to crawl in a hole.
Thanks for listening
MrB8 is absolutely right. With enough time, good diet, and a proper mindset, your man's penis can get better.
The question remains, can you endure this abuse while helping to get him through this?
Does he tend to watch a lot of porn when he masturbates? Believe it or not, that can also affect his erection quality. If he does, have him take a look at this, The great porn experiment | Gary Wilson | TEDxGlasgow - YouTube .
It may not be true in all cases but it just may be in his. This may be just adding to the problem he is experiencing.
I'll have to second Mrs ATP and say you really need to watch out for yourself as well. In fact that is way more important than worrying so much about him. If you aren't at the top of your game, how can you expect to help anyone else. Do what you can for him but don't sacrifice too much of yourself especially if he's unwilling to help himself. He needs to be perfectly honest with you about everything in your relationship if you both expect to have a happy and healthy one. That's also the only way you or anyone else can truly help him.
