female friend getting fat

[sssssteve]

before you rush to judgments about the title, take into consideration a number of variables that I am dealing with here.

-she is part Asian and identifies as such (those who are aware of Asian culture know that they tend to direct their women into a submissive role with relationships)
-she is still going through the emotional withdrawals from ending a 2 year relationship
-she has always been the skinny type until the last 4 months or so. she went from the playful skinny tom boy frame to beautifully curvy to starting to appear unhealthy
-her brother-in-law already dicked up any kind of interventionist approach by insulting her in an email (so now the straightforward approach is going to be initially interpreted as negative)
-she is also a "feminist" (not the good kind... the selfish, inconsiderate, bad, unhealthy, illogical decisions kind that most college-age girls identify as for varying amounts of time)
-her level of unhappiness is growing. she is venting more about random things and any time you approach her with anything other than a compliment, she will try to decipher it and ends up interpreting it as negative.
-never dated her or tried to date her... she is just a friend of a friend but I just hate the thought of seeing someone spiraling downward so quickly. its not my job to save her... but it would just be nice to connect and let her know that she is not isolated or condemned to unhappiness.

how do I approach the issue?

 

[MrBigDick]

before you rush to judgments about the title, take into consideration a number of variables that I am dealing with here.

-she is part Asian and identifies as such (those who are aware of Asian culture know that they tend to direct their women into a submissive role with relationships)
-she is still going through the emotional withdrawals from ending a 2 year relationship
-she has always been the skinny type until the last 4 months or so. she went from the playful skinny tom boy frame to beautifully curvy to starting to appear unhealthy
-her brother-in-law already dicked up any kind of interventionist approach by insulting her in an email (so now the straightforward approach is going to be initially interpreted as negative)
-she is also a "feminist" (not the good kind... the selfish, inconsiderate, bad, unhealthy, illogical decisions kind that most college-age girls identify as for varying amounts of time)
-her level of unhappiness is growing. she is venting more about random things and any time you approach her with anything other than a compliment, she will try to decipher it and ends up interpreting it as negative.
-never dated her or tried to date her... she is just a friend of a friend but I just hate the thought of seeing someone spiraling downward so quickly. its not my job to save her... but it would just be nice to connect and let her know that she is not isolated or condemned to unhappiness.

how do I approach the issue?

You approach the issue with kid gloves. Are you good friends or just acquaintances? If it were me and I knew her really, REALLY well, I'd pull her aside and ask her what's up. If we're just acquaintances and don't know each other only casually through a mutual friend, I wouldn't say anything. It's a tough hand to play.....

 

[TPW]

Hey sssssteve,

I'm confused; what does her weight have to do with what you have written in your post? Do you believe that her recent weight gain is the cause of her being so miserable lately?

 

[islander]

You are not close enough to help her. If she wants to talk about it and picks you to hear her just listen. No need to respond to her. Just listen.
It's easy to get back on track when she is ready.

 

[sssssteve]

You approach the issue with kid gloves. Are you good friends or just acquaintances? If it were me and I knew her really, REALLY well, I'd pull her aside and ask her what's up. If we're just acquaintances and don't know each other only casually through a mutual friend, I wouldn't say anything. It's a tough hand to play.....

that is the thing... she is introverted and mutual friends only seem to be passively enabling the behavior... here I am a borderline neutral 3rd party that is seeing a dramatic shift in mood to one that is negative and becoming self-destructive. if the same variables were applied to a different scenario and the behavior was suicidal rather than self-destructive then your opinion would change. the thing is... I do not see a large difference between the 2 because 99% of the time, the only thing that the person is looking for is some kind of form of acknowledgement or understanding

Hey sssssteve,

I'm confused; what does her weight have to do with what you have written in your post? Do you believe that her recent weight gain is the cause of her being so miserable lately?

her dramatic weight gain and shift in mood imo is triggered or promoted by the factors that I mentioned.

You are not close enough to help her. If she wants to talk about it and picks you to hear her just listen. No need to respond to her. Just listen.
It's easy to get back on track when she is ready.

that is where my perspective differs... I have had a close friend lose her boyfriend to suicide literally like a week before a housewarming party where I was going to actually get to meet the guy. we were just getting to be friends at the time, but she was introverted and all of her friends were very closely-knit (meaning if they knew her then they knew her bf just as well) so she felt guilty about expressing herself to them. I was able to bring fresh air to the table in a sense. it was funny walking into the wake... all of the guy friends were looking at me like "who the hell is this guy?" until I walked up to her, hugged her and whispered something in her ear that left her laughing and sniffling at the same time... which she actually thanked me for.

anyhoo... sometimes people get stuck in a rut and seeing the same people and going through the same routine day after day, week after week, and month after month can lead to un-ideal results if nobody at least acknowledges the trigger.

 

[BigO]

Take her for coffee and tell her she can bend your ear if she needs to.

 

[GoingForGold]

Avoid bringing her weight up. Ever. Unless you have dated her for 2 years. Even then, be ready for an ear full.

Just let her know you care about her and have noticed that she has had trouble getting out of her funk, or slump, or whatever. Remind her how much fun she had just 4 months ago. Once she gets stable, she will realize she can handle losing weight. Right now, she probably doesn't give a flying f**k what you think about her weight.

 

[kickinthemebs]

Ask her if she wanted to go jogging with you sometime, or do a workout in the gym.

Or mention that you want to cut a few pounds over the summer, that will get her thinking about herself and she will either ask you about her size or feel some guilt about putting on weight and realise she needs to do something about it.

When we put on weight, we f'ing know we have gotten fat, we don't need anyone telling us, partner or friend. It is just plain rude, in my opinion. What you can do is try to help her lose the weight, give her advice, give her support, and so on.

What I find is that you need to "plant the seed" so to speak. Talk a bit about how someone you know got in good shape or lost a lot of weight, or make throw-away comments about your gym workout and about how you want to get in beach shape for the summer, and so on. Get her thinking about diet, health, and appearance. These are key for getting the ball rolling. Some people are in denial or need some little nudging to get back in shape.

I put on a small bit of weight over the past few months, I know I did, others did too, but my mates helped and advise me to lose it. Friends have been outright about me putting on weight and I didn't like it one bit. Hell, I bloody know I put on weight Sherlock hahaha

 

[sssssteve]

haha... figured out most of it. she did not get into the college program she wanted back in february or march (she is not dumb, the college is just stupidly competitive) AND had an awkward experience after going out with one of the gym rats at her apartment (he is insecure and needy of attention) so shes just been hiding out and being lazy from being bummed out.

 

[shabazz]

-never dated her or tried to date her... she is just a friend of a friend but I just hate the thought of seeing someone spiraling downward so quickly. its not my job to save her... but it would just be nice to connect and let her know that she is not isolated or condemned to unhappiness.

Class act. Really thoughtful considering shes a friend of a friend.

 

[Trotsky slaying thedragon]

before you rush to judgments about the title, take into consideration a number of variables that I am dealing with here.

-she is part Asian and identifies as such (those who are aware of Asian culture know that they tend to direct their women into a submissive role with relationships)

This is a good thing.

-she has always been the skinny type until the last 4 months or so. she went from the playful skinny tom boy frame to beautifully curvy to starting to appear unhealthy

Skinny chicks are fucking awesome. But then again so are curvy ones.

-she is also a "feminist" (not the good kind... the selfish, inconsiderate, bad, unhealthy, illogical decisions kind that most college-age girls identify as for varying amounts of time)

Ewww. This is terrible. This is also how you're going to get her. Tell her that smashing the patriarchy requires a fit body and mind. Tell her that the patriarchy will use her weight against her to oppress her and dismiss her opinions. It's a rough world out there for women rolleyes so she'll need every ounce of ammunition at her disposal.

-never dated her or tried to date her... she is just a friend of a friend but I just hate the thought of seeing someone spiraling downward so quickly. its not my job to save her... but it would just be nice to connect and let her know that she is not isolated or condemned to unhappiness.

I think you hate the thought of a woman spiraling down into unhappiness. I don't think you'd care much if your "friend" was a male.

In any case, what this girl needs is a good, solid dicking. Why don't you man up?

 

[sssssteve]

In any case, what this girl needs is a good, solid dicking. Why don't you man up?

dont like the thought of knowingly going into an imbalanced emotional situation knowing that I am a rebound guy. plus girls fall in love with the dick. it has a sequence...
-girl decides to hang out since I ask a few times
-girl learns I like making strong emotional bonds with people
-girl starts getting physically closer
-girl finds out I am a great kisser and wants to find out how skilled I am in other areas
-girl finds out I have an 8.5 inch dick and falls in love with it
-girl quickly recovers from ex and we stop talking.

I wish I was more of the man-whore type.

 

[Robeto]

I'd probably just offer to hang out with her, if you're worried about her getting unhealthily overweight the stuff you do together could always be active?

I assume you just wanna help her out in some small way, you could just offer to do some stuff with her once a fortnight or something, and if she wants to hang out more (or not) you'll at least have done something. If you don't want her getting attached or you don't want to date her just tell her that straight up if she's trying to get in your pants?

 

[sssssteve]

now if she doesnt misinterpret that as rejection I would be good. girls can be good at interpreting almost anything as being negative though.

 

[Robeto]

now if she doesnt misinterpret that as rejection I would be good. girls can be good at interpreting almost anything as being negative though.

Are you planning on having feelings for and/or dating this woman some time in the future?

If so, you could always just say you want to take it slow with her. It wouldn't be so much like rejection because she would still feel like you were taking an interest in her?

However, if you are sure you don't want to have feelings for her, then the best you can do is just try to be as gentle as possible with her (because otherwise she's gonna fall in love with your dick) and hope you can still see her and cheer her up.

Again, a lot of the advice already posted is really helpful, you aren't in her tight-knit group of friends all you can do is be casual about it and hope you'll help her.