Are limits needed in a trusting relationship?

[4Samson]

So you are in a serious monogamous relationship. You trust your partner completely and truly believe they would not cross that line and cheat on you sexually. If you trust each other completely, is there any need to set limits or boundaries on what each of the partners are free to do? (Equal limits/boundaries)

A couple examples of what I mean:
-go out for drinks with a coworker/friend of the opposite sex in a 1 on 1 situation. How about if that person has openly said they want to get with your partner.
-stay in occasional contact with an ex (an ex who is not part of or associated with any of your friends or associates). What if the ex openly says they want your partner back. What if the contact is limited to digital forms (texts, calls, email, etc).

Any thoughts? What limits do you set in your own serious relationship? I would be very interested to hear from the diverse membership of the pegym. My question is only intended for those who believe in monogamous relationships. Those who believe in/perfer polyamorous realtionships are welcome to reply as well, though I would ask you mention your polyamorous lifestyle in your response.

 

[Whiteboy16]

The second example is totally fine. I wouldn't stop talking to one of my exes because a new gf told me to and I wouldn't expect it either. That said, I would only feel this way if the relationship was entirely platonic for both my gf and her ex. If there were any lingering feelings on her ex's side I wouldn't be cool with it. Been in that situation before and it's horrible knowing some guy is actively trying to get with your gf.

The first example I have to say would be pretty insensitive of your partner. This is because even if your partner said it was completely platonic for her, the fact that she knows the other guy wants her means the RELATIONSHIP is NOT platonic. I would be especially worried if judgement impairing substances were involved. People can do very stupid things when they're drunk. I know, I've been the guy that did the stupid things. Sober, you never think you'd cheat. Drunk, well...unfortunately we tend to give in to our baser urges at times.

 

[4Samson]

Thanks for your input whiteboy. I edited the original post to include the ex wants your partner back as that was the situation I had in mind.

 

[Looking4more]

Your first scenario would be a no-brainer. It would be stupid to allow your woman to go drinking with someone else. Actually, your woman should have enough sense not to want to go. It's not the fact you don't trust her, just don't trust the situation. Alcohol can make smart people do stupid things. Even if she said no, can she defend herself if he gets stupid.
Your second scenario can be a little iffy. Occasional emails or texts can be OK as long as she is perfectly open about what is said. If there is nothing going on, she shouldn't have a problem talking about it. If the emails or texts start escalating or she starts being less open about it, time to start asking questions.
Of course how long you have been together can affect how things go. Usually the longer a couple has been together, the less they even want to put themselves in a situation like the one's you listed. After 22 years together, neither of us would consider it just due to respect for each other and also don't need any drama of any sort. Remember the fact that there is a third person involved in these scenarios and they are the ones that can start all kinds of problems by saying certain things to either of you and cause friction between you regardless of whether it's true or not. Who needs that?

 

[Qarzan]

I'm not in a polyamorous relationship, but there are plenty of poly's around me, so I understand and witness their interactions with each other all the time. Regarding boudaries, yes I feel it's perfectly fine to have boundaries as long as both of you know why it's there, and it's up for discussion and/or removal at any time. Boundaries, in my opinion, are there like scaffolding; they help build the relationship and make it stronger, until a time when it's no longer needed and it can be removed.

 

[namsokiek]

I trust my wife to not go into situations where one would question her commitment to me. Notice I said "one", meaning anyone who knew our situation. In return, I do not put myself in situations where one would question my commitment to her.

If the ex has openly stated they want the partner back, then continued contact with the partner could lead the ex to question the partner's commitment. This may embolden the ex in the pursuit. Secondly it is naive to think that past feelings cannot be resurrected with time.

Each member of the relationship should jealously guard the trust given to them.

 

[islander]

Boundaries are part of your morals so if you and she have high ones there is no coworker drinking. Ex talking? Not necessary unless its joint like holiday cards and such and WE and US. I don't dig ex stuff.

 

[faithandhope]

Yes, limits are needed. You must show respect through trust. Not trusting someone for no reason is a selfish thing to do, it shows deep down you are almost using them for your own pleasure, and true love doesn't do that. Maybe I am getting kind of off-topic. Long story short, yes limits are needed. It works both ways. My situation right now. I am in love with my best friend and the feeling is somewhat mutual. She has a boyfriend who she loves, and we hungout without his permission. I respected her boundaries enough to not make a move on her, even if it kills me to do so. Those are my limits.

I truly believe that she shouldn't even WANT to be in a 1 on 1 situation like that. Alcohol does make smart people do stupid things, and I wouldn't trust the situation. She shouldn't put you in the unhealthy frame of mind of worrying about that. There really is no need for it.

 

[Whiteboy16]

I'd like to point out that I think there is a big difference between keeping in touch with an ex for the sake of it and being in touch with an ex you are genuine, platonic friends with.

 

[4Samson]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts so far. I also asked for similar input on another site and so far there seems to be a 100% consensus on the 1st situation. The reason I became curious is because in my current relationship I have been unconditionally trusting of her up to this point. About a month ago she made what I considered a questionable decision that bothered me. It was similar to the 1st situation posted above. There is actually a part I left out about the coworker that makes it seem much worse in my mind. I have never attempted to impose any limitations on her in the past. I once watched a close friend of mine lose the love of her life and father of her child due to irrational jealously. She basically lost him because she was scared of losing him. She was miserable then and has been ever since. Witnessing the situation really opened my eyes to how important trust is in a relationship and I guess it has made me scared of letting jealousy cloud my judgement. I have taken the last month to collect my thoughts and the consistent opinions of others has made it much easier for me to accept I am not just being irrationally jealous. I guess it will soon be time to sit down and discuss limits. Any other input would still be appreciated.

 

[Whiteboy16]

This could go a number of ways depending on how your partner views your requests. As I see it the main three possibilities are:

1) she can see your point of view and realises that her actions her insensitive and agrees to cease them. (This is what we're goping for)

2) she insists that what she's doing is totally fine and she promises there is nothing else going on (It's down to you how you want to take this - if she seems very sincere you may be put at ease)

3) she accuses you of being jealous and/or possessive - DO NOT let her play this card!!! Explain to her how it makes you feel. Ask her if she would honestly be comfortable with you keeping in touch with your ex and/or meeting up with a female friend that you both knew was trying to sleep with you.

I sincerely hope that it's number 1, but even if it's number 2 or 3 at first then as long as you're calm and she is rational you can, I hope, bring it around to a number 1 ending.

Best of luck 4Samson! I'd be interested to know how it goes, though I understand if you feel that is personal and I don't want to pry!

 

[Qarzan]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts so far. I also asked for similar input on another site and so far there seems to be a 100% consensus on the 1st situation. The reason I became curious is because in my current relationship I have been unconditionally trusting of her up to this point. About a month ago she made what I considered a questionable decision that bothered me. It was similar to the 1st situation posted above. There is actually a part I left out about the coworker that makes it seem much worse in my mind. I have never attempted to impose any limitations on her in the past. I once watched a close friend of mine lose the love of her life and father of her child due to irrational jealously. She basically lost him because she was scared of losing him. She was miserable then and has been ever since. Witnessing the situation really opened my eyes to how important trust is in a relationship and I guess it has made me scared of letting jealousy cloud my judgement. I have taken the last month to collect my thoughts and the consistent opinions of others has made it much easier for me to accept I am not just being irrationally jealous. I guess it will soon be time to sit down and discuss limits. Any other input would still be appreciated.

My point of view of the lesson to be learned from your friend's situation that you just described above:

"Don't let your fears run your life."

Living out of fear brings your fears into reality. It's ok to have fears, but once you act on them and behave like they're real, that's when they become real. From my point of view, it was really just a "self-fulfilled prophecy" on her part.

 

[steevennsmithh]

Yes, limits are needed. You must show respect through trust. Not trusting someone for no reason is a selfish thing to do, it shows deep down you are almost using them for your own pleasure, and true love doesn't do that.

 

[3minem]

Hi Samson,

One on one drinks with a coworker of the opposite sex or with your ex is never a good idea. I don't find it appropriate and it can rise many questions and possible problems. I avoid such things.

Take care

 

[4Samson]

I sincerely hope that it's number 1, but even if it's number 2 or 3 at first then as long as you're calm and she is rational you can, I hope, bring it around to a number 1 ending.

Best of luck 4Samson! I'd be interested to know how it goes, though I understand if you feel that is personal and I don't want to pry!

Thank you for your assistance and I will update how it goes here. I feel no need to rush into the conversation though so that could be anytime this month.

I am not at all concerned in how the conversation will go outside of exactly what words it is I will choose to use. To be honest, I feel even if I was thinking and acting completely irrational, she would still listen to me to make me happy. It is more of a just because you can control someone, doesn't mean its right to do so kind of thing. In the past I have thought of complete trust as something absolute, but now realize that trusting someone completely can be to trust them to follow and respect set limits on their own. I would actually consider this my first serious relationship and I still have a lot to learn. We are getting married soon and I think that will allow an easy avenue for the discussion to take place.

 

[closed212]

I've established boundaries in my relationship and the girlfriend agrees that it takes any guesswork out of our relationship. We know what her and I find acceptable and we make sure we're both on the same page in regards to what we want and what we expect of each other.

Thankfully my girlfriend is not some manipulative psycho so if I get the idea that something is "fishy" I won't hesitate to question the situation. It isn't that I don't trust her but it's just who I am.

I'm a very scientific person and I translate that into my everyday life and quite frankly if your partner gets offended and "I can't believe you would ask me that" that would set off a red flag. I don't know about you guys but I think it's natural to get curious about situation you think could go sour, especially when it is regarding your relationship. I don't take chances like "oh well I trust her so if she wants to go to a hotel with a stranger and drink for the night, GO FOR IT".

Yeah maybe in some twisted alternate universe, not in this one though.

 

[longrodten]

Hi Samson,

One on one drinks with a coworker of the opposite sex or with your ex is never a good idea. I don't find it appropriate and it can rise many questions and possible problems. I avoid such things.

Take care

True. Even if they don't have bad intentions this is a situation that can end up in a affair.