Bringing Back Sex

[Wilt]

So I have a bit of a different type of problem than most men would. I have a lovely girlfriend, we are very much in love and about to get engaged. Recently, I lost my job and my sex drive absolutely tanked on me. I never thought dirty thoughts anymore, which has been the case for most of my life to be honest. We started having sex but surely enough, there goes my job, that stopped. She wants to have it but offered to stop for a bit. She told me she will be patient as long as she needs to be. We are still pretty intimate. We talk every day, we still hold hands, we still hold each other, but I'm starting to feel an urge in me once again. Those dirty thoughts are starting to come back and I've been able to get myself off for the first time in months which is a sign that my libido is finally returning. When it comes to doing it with her, I have a history of performance anxiety. She told me she doesn't want me taking Viagra when we get back to it, but I feel that I need it to get back on the horse. At least, I need it for the certainty of an erection. I've used it before and the benefits are astounding.

So here's why I'm posting today. Her sex drive has tanked through all this, but is normally very high. I can't ask any women in my life about this so the anonymity of the Internet always helps. I don't think I should just go up to her and say hey let's start having sex again. Because I've learned that with me, sex isn't just the physical function. She can't touch my unit and expect it to get hard. I like the emotional side of it. I like the sexting and the dirty talk and holding each other for a while in bed before we do it. But obviously we aren't doing that now. I don't want to tell her to get us going again, I want to take that first step and be proactive in this. The big catch is I don't know for certain if I'm going to be up and ready the next time we try it and I don't want to disappoint her. So all this considered, from a woman's perspective, what is the best way for me to get this going again? Should I just tell her how sexy she looks? How much I want to do it? How I think about it? I'm a bit lost here and getting this going again will really help me, and probably us. The relationship is still very strong and we are always there for each other, but I really want to make love to her again.

 

[CUSP82]

Oh you want a womans opinion? Does that mean I have to put a dress and heels on before I answer? Okay without wearing the dress, you say you want to make love to her again so then just do it. Stop thinking about this or that or you may not be good or maybe you won't get really hard and maybe and maybe and maybe. Just go do it because you love her. ( oh but I am wearing heels! - stop thinking and go have fun!)

 

[draggin]

Oh my gosh, I hear you buddy. First off, what you are experiencing is super common. I am going through the exact same thing with my wife right now. Exactly. So let me save you a bunch of time and tell you what we did to get out of that very frustrating rut. All you and your lovely girl need to do is simply "reboot" your sex life. Here's what we did: we sat down with a pen and paper and had an open discussion about our needs regarding intimacy, sex, frequency, kind of sex we like, etc... Then we made a schedule. Don't laugh. It worked. For example, according to our schedule we do one intimate thing a day (a long hug, spooning in bed, holding hands, etc... you get the idea). This keeps the sex drive juices flowing. On Wednesdays we have a nice dinner together, sit and talk for some time, then get intimate. Saturdays we do something fun (google "cheap dates" and you'll have endless romantic ideas). Ofcourse after the "date" we get intimate again. So basically we both agreed to be affectionate all week and have good sex twice a week. This is something that both of us can live with. You can certainly have sex more often, and at times you will, but get it on a schedule. Have you ever started working-out at a gym? It really sucks, at first. But if you stick with it, after 3-4 weeks it becomes effortless. It is now part of your routine. Sex is the same. Make time for it, and soon you will get it all the time without trying. Good luck!

 

[Wilt]

Thanks for all that! I'll work this in with her for sure! As for the gym, I go about 5 times a week. I used to be very overweight but lost it all and am now hooked on the gym. I eat healthy too so this is all very confusing as to why I have problems. It's all psychological and pretty powerful too. I'm going to take Viagra to beat it and get my confidence going. Worked last time so why not now? I'll let you know how it goes the next time I see her!

 

[Robberman]

Leave the viagra!!

 

[Wilt]

I appreciate the consideration there. I'm not 100% sure what I'm going to do. My doctor told me it's fine and it gets men back on the horse. It worked for me before. I used it once and it worked great. When I lost my job, everything fell apart again. So I have to decide. I'm finding I get aroused more easily lately, thus the more frequent hard-ons.

I took draggin's advice. We don't live together so we started sexting tonight. It was great and I look forward to keep it up. I do need to talk to her about how I need to build it up before having sex. Should be interesting from here. All this right before proposing too. Thought I'd throw that in there lol.

 

[MrsLooking4more]

Wilt your body is cleared of the viagara and is working fine (thus the hard-ons). I will imagine since you are here that you are following some kind of PEGym routine for yourself. Keep your routine up which will make your unit healthier and stop thinking is going to fail because the mind is very powerful. Think Sexy thoughts.

As to what to do with your girl to get back in the saddle, just start doing what you used too, naturally.
- When she is next to you touch/caress her. For example if you are watching TV, cuddle her. Any kind of move will give her the signal.
- Send her texts messages like you used to: Honey I miss you, which you were here and I could.....
- When she comes home greet her with a sexy/passionate kiss and embrace her, moves you hand on her body, to show your appreciation for her being in your life, believe me she will be getting turned on too.
- Do not get anxiety about performing but prepare in case you can't. My husband and I experienced a long time before he found the PEGym when we could not have intercourse because he could not get an erection (due to low testosterone). We still made love, we had oral sex, we used touch, fingering, he used toys on me. In short we did what we need it too, to keep the romance and sexual part of our lives active. I am very sexual but regardless of the situation he has ALWAYS satisfied me. You can too, making love/sex is not only about intercourse.
-Stay away from the viagara. Unless you medically need because you can't get an erection at all. My husband was never prescribed or encouraged to take one, even when he was not able to get an erection. The reason for that is that your brain becomes used to having the chemical stimulation and your body will stop producing it's own chemicals. So it may work for now but it won't later and you will have to detox. You have been off it long enough, you are working out, eating healthy and sounds like you are healthy. Let your body do it's thing, it knows how. Just keep your mind in check.

Go and start romancing your girl and in the future try to never let the romance go. Is a bad habit to get into, if you get emotionally detached every time a crisis happens. Try to work on becoming closer through the support. That's what makes a couple stronger. You are lucky that your girl seems very supportive, show her your love. I am sure you will do great!

 

[Wilt]

Thanks a lot. You guys have convinced me to stay off the pills. I was dead set on doing it but I'm going to give it a go without it. The absolute hardest part is when I would lose my erection, she would turn away from me and just leave me feeling very lonely. I know to her it's like a type of rejection, but I've re-assured her it's not, it's just my mind going to the wrong place. I'm currently training myself to focus just on sex and how it goes in bed, rather than thinking about my unit. It makes sense too. If I get scared, my body will react as such. If I stay excited for sex, I'm going to have it, it's that simple. Should I sit down with her and tell her about this? I also like what draggin said. I think if I tell her I'm rarely able to go right away and need to get warmed up, I think she would be down with that. We've been dating for several months now. The relationship is very secure and we've been talking marriage. She knows I'm going to figure this out, but I'm sure the wait is a real joy lol.

I'm going to do the things you told me to. Note we don't live together and only see each other a few times a week. The times we get alone, I'm going to do all that, whether we have sex or not. I accept that if I have a failure again, it's ok, there's other ways to do this and I know she'll never leave me for something as small and fixable as this. I know I'm a great guy, a great person who has so much to offer and talking about this in a few threads on this board has really helped to re-establish my confidence and have a better idea as to what sex is.

 

[MrsLooking4more]

That's the spirit! I agree with Draggin you sound like you are getting serious, so talk openly with her. is better for her to know you might be having some performance anxiety that for her to think you do not find her attractive and that is why you can't perform. I have been there believe me is tough. Good luck but you won't need it. You got this!

 

[Wilt]

Well slight update. I've decided against using pills and I've found that doing it myself more often has resulted in me getting it more and more when I'm with her. Downside is she's feeling very tired lately and her sex drive has gone with it. So it basically means that I'm ready to go but she's not. No big worry though. We still caress, hold hands, make out, etc. There is still a lot of intimacy in this relationship and even more love. I really and truly can wait this out. A lot of guys might think this is weak on my part, but I love her and I will wait this one out, having the confidence that I can perform. Whenever she's ready is great. I'm about to propose to her and I know that we have everything else covered. The sex will come and I won't judge her based on this.

Thanks for your help everyone. I feel a lot more fulfilled and in-control here. I've got some great things happening in my life and she is a big part of that.

 

[MrBigDick]

Oh my gosh, I hear you buddy. First off, what you are experiencing is super common. I am going through the exact same thing with my wife right now. Exactly. So let me save you a bunch of time and tell you what we did to get out of that very frustrating rut. All you and your lovely girl need to do is simply "reboot" your sex life. Here's what we did: we sat down with a pen and paper and had an open discussion about our needs regarding intimacy, sex, frequency, kind of sex we like, etc... Then we made a schedule. Don't laugh. It worked. For example, according to our schedule we do one intimate thing a day (a long hug, spooning in bed, holding hands, etc... you get the idea). This keeps the sex drive juices flowing. On Wednesdays we have a nice dinner together, sit and talk for some time, then get intimate. Saturdays we do something fun (google "cheap dates" and you'll have endless romantic ideas). Ofcourse after the "date" we get intimate again. So basically we both agreed to be affectionate all week and have good sex twice a week. This is something that both of us can live with. You can certainly have sex more often, and at times you will, but get it on a schedule. Have you ever started working-out at a gym? It really sucks, at first. But if you stick with it, after 3-4 weeks it becomes effortless. It is now part of your routine. Sex is the same. Make time for it, and soon you will get it all the time without trying. Good luck!

I TOTALLY agree with this. My gf and I don't get alot of alone time because she's got two kids as do I and while our kids aren't babies, they're still almost always around. We don't live together but my gf's ex husband isn't in the picture at all (which is a good thing, BELIEVE me) so she never really gets a break. We do alot of hand holding, "sexting", "I love you's" and when we are finally able to connect sexually, it's just really cool, intense and awesome.............

You really do have to make time for it because it will quickly get away from you if you don't......

 

[Revolved]

Who says you have to have sex? Id go at it in steps. Go into foreplay with the mindset that may be as far as you get. Who knows, you might find yourself fucking her brains out afterward.

 

[Wilt]

So this week there was a bit of a setback. She was performing oral on me and all was going well until a few things not related to sex popped into my mind and I lost it. I learned last night that any negative thought will cost me my boner. Doesn't have to be related to what we're doing. She's staying patient as ever, though is unquestionably frustrated. I know I have this and I'm learning more and more each time. It's a really tough ordeal, but I feel like I'm getting closer here. I'm staying off pills unless her and I together decide it's the way to go. I told her next time I'm going to get it. And if I don't, the time after that. I'm learning to forgive myself for these and I'm not getting anxious anymore. Really starting to see the benefits of positive thinking. Though I wish this could be over. This really is awful.