• If the url/link is for monetized objects, sites, sites selling items, etc., it is not allowed.
    We do have our site sponsors, who are allowed to utilize such.
    Thank you.

thinking of dumping...

bigmanc

Registered
Well Done !
Joined
Oct 11, 2010
Messages
28
Reaction score
1
Points
0
her, what to do??

been togeather nearly 4 years living 2. she just turning in to a nut case we argue over silly lil stupid things. blame everything on me saying its the booze even if i only had one drink. only drink like a sat night. not even much.
constantly slagging my mum off she done this and that. etc. thing is i love her just cant be arsed with all this sh*t and at 23 good looking lad i cant get another girl click of my fingers. just the house and cars we have we are very very very lucky. would lose it all.
 

TTBB

Senior Member
Well Done !
Joined
Sep 18, 2010
Messages
7,795
Reaction score
489
Points
0
i think your girl isn't happy and i suspect its because the relationship feel stale, the honeymoon period is over ... You are probably not chasing her or doing sweet things anymore, you are probably taking things for granted and have developed some bad habits... When woman nag and bitch about things its because they don't feel noticed or wanted or VALUED .. the balance between fun and chore aren't lining up.... if she has an issue with you getting drunk on Saturday its because she resents you having fun when she feels she isn't, she resents the attention and time you give to others when you aren't' giving it to her.. if she has issues with your mum doing things or saying things its because she feels you should be a man and step up.
 

bigmanc

Registered
Well Done !
Joined
Oct 11, 2010
Messages
28
Reaction score
1
Points
0
great post. thanks for that.
just dont feel i can do right., heard people saying so and so dumped me cuz dont feel good enough...
im like what the hell.
well at the mo i feel im not good enough and feel like dumping her because i can not be arsed with the hassle any more. love dieing more she goes on more i go off her and think fuck it. work, money, cars, bodybuilding, PE!! argh
 

TTBB

Senior Member
Well Done !
Joined
Sep 18, 2010
Messages
7,795
Reaction score
489
Points
0
The fact you don't think you are good enough is the core problem(its something i sometimes struggle with)
but if you can't be bothered making effort then you are the one who is to blame for the downfall of your relationship.. relationships take effort and work... and if both people aren't putting energy time and effort into it then, things fall apart... the only reason she is nagging and going on more and more about it is because you are not doing anything about it.. so she is desperate for you to hear what she is saying and she is very frustrated by how things are.
You say you love her .. But are you in love with her?
 

bigmanc

Registered
Well Done !
Joined
Oct 11, 2010
Messages
28
Reaction score
1
Points
0
The fact you don't think you are good enough is the core problem(its something i sometimes struggle with)
but if you can't be bothered making effort then you are the one who is to blame for the downfall of your relationship.. relationships take effort and work... and if both people aren't putting energy time and effort into it then, things fall apart... the only reason she is nagging and going on more and more about it is because you are not doing anything about it.. so she is desperate for you to hear what she is saying and she is very frustrated by how things are.
You say you love her .. But are you in love with her?

i was. id die for her. but recently... dont know if i am any more. i try. just not good enough. so give up. think stuff it.
 

RockstarParkingDude

Registered
Well Done !
Joined
Sep 12, 2010
Messages
926
Reaction score
66
Points
0
Location
North East
i've had this problem many times with many girls.

there are two viable solutions. number one is that you change for her. you remember when you first met her and how you got her to be into you, and you do it again. be sweet, take her places, make your fun times with her instead of your boys.

the problem with this is it often feels like you are picking up a second job just trying to keep her from fighting with you, or you make yourself unhappy to make her smile more.

the second option, is is move in with your best friend, take your sh*t and call it a clean break. if you still love her and really want to make it work because of love, go with number 1. if you are kinda bored, dont like hanging out with her that much any more, but you are just comfortable and don't want to lose your investment (time, money, emotion), there is little hope. go with number two.
 

RockstarParkingDude

Registered
Well Done !
Joined
Sep 12, 2010
Messages
926
Reaction score
66
Points
0
Location
North East
i was. id die for her. but recently... dont know if i am any more. i try. just not good enough. so give up. think stuff it.

you're good enough. she wants you to be someone else. you're good enough as you are. shes not good enough if shes making you this unhappy. never let a girl's opinion mess with your concept of self worth.

just cause you leave laundrey on the floor does not make you bad at life.

also to TTBB: the same thing happens both ways in a relationship. as much as girls feel less appreciated after time, so do men. women make a much bigger deal about it, men tend to hold it in, unless they are have little self confidence. women take just as many things for granted and the same story plays out the exact opposite way a lot too. men don't nag about it tho. we leave.
 
Last edited:

TTBB

Senior Member
Well Done !
Joined
Sep 18, 2010
Messages
7,795
Reaction score
489
Points
0
also to TTBB: the same thing happens both ways in a relationship. as much as girls feel less appreciated after time, so do men. women make a much bigger deal about it, men tend to hold it in, unless they are have little self confidence. women take just as many things for granted and the same story plays out the exact opposite way a lot too. men don't nag about it tho. we leave.

oh yes i know.. it does happen on both sides, its not gender specific.. and the way men deal with it is very different to woman .. Men tend to bottle it up and avoid.. or they stray and leave... woman express and confront or stray and leave.
Its normal for people to become complacent in relationships.. what makes or breaks a relationship is how people react to when it happens. and also peoples breaking point can be different what is comfortable to one person can be boring to another...so with in relationships you can have different opinions on whether or not something is broken.. or you can have two people who feel the same way but express it differently making the gap between them grow wider.
 

RockstarParkingDude

Registered
Well Done !
Joined
Sep 12, 2010
Messages
926
Reaction score
66
Points
0
Location
North East
it's always an unfortunate thing.

what you need to ask yourself is:
am i happy when she is right next to me?
am i happy when she's not physically present?
which is greater?
can it get better (be realistic)?
will it get better?
how long will it take me to recover (financially, emotionally, etc) after a breakup?
if you stay together, how much worse can it get?
 
  • Like
Reactions: TTBB

joeboy

Registered
Well Done !
Joined
Oct 25, 2010
Messages
47
Reaction score
1
Points
0
Location
Malaysia
In everything that we do, whether it be life,career, or relationship.

The golden rule is - "If things aren't going as you'd want it to be, DO NOT try to change others, as they can't be changed and you'll be screwing things up bigger, instead CHANGE YOURSELF first, and things will reciprocate".

I agree with both TTBB, and RockStarParkingDude, relationship needs effort from both ends to run, you can't clap with one hand, but to make THIS happen, i think, if you're a MAN, then you gotta take initiative, step up, and make changes to improve the current situation.

--> Take the lead, and your girl will follow (and eventually you'll see changes)

Now, RockStarParkingDude had his point too, that you should not do things that you don't like to make her smile, don't force yourself.

BUT THE FACT IS, there are too many little things that you can do (and you won't hate to do) and make her day, yeah, do her sweet stuff, give her APPRECIATION, take the blames, sometimes, even if it's not your fault. I'm not telling you to be a smaller man than your girl but if you can be a man, and back down from a fight, clear the fire, and say sorry (even for nothing), she will most likely do the EXACT SAME, probably even more - how about a make up sex? It's always been hot.

You don't have to win in a fight every time, especially if you have already win the girl's heart. That's more than anything you'd want.

Thing is, that's the way relationship works. It has stages that you have to overcome, don't expect a relationship to be happy yappie all the time, you gotta accept that fact. Relationship is INDEED like a job, a life long one, once committed you have to work your best to top it off everytime, and you will get your salary paid well and probably even bonuses if you're good enough. Only difference is, this is a job that you want to enjoy, and won't feel tired doing.

Arguements are ALWAYS there in a relationship, the problem is - HOW ARE YOU DEALING WITH IT. If you're not doing a damn thing to improve this then it's your fault, if you're doing something but doing the WRONG Thing, then you gotta learn how to do it, and not leave when things happen.

Because, ultimately, I can guarantee that 99% in the rest of your life, you will NEVER get a perfect relationship ever, are you going to run away every time?

A great relationship is not about meeting the perfect other, but instead, making the perfect other.

And let me give you a final piece of advice. If you can't feel enjoy doing things for her, make changes for her, then from a man's point of view, you're not in it big time, not just for her, but for any girls in your life, you're just not prepared for a relationship. Period. Break off with her, DON'T WASTE HER TIME.

---> DO NOT always think what others can do for you, but think what you can do for others. All successful relationships, even BUSINESSMAN do that. If you're not gonna make changes because you're so afraid that she will not even reciprocate, then just screw that, you're not even trying.

And even if you have been trying, and still she's the same, you're not doing it enough. How about tweaking it up a 300% and see how things will flow?

"So you mean I have to work more than her to get this relationship straight?" Well, if you're thinking about this question, then you gotta drop it. Relationship, especially true love, is a selfless mechanism. I'm pretty sure, if you can do ALOT ALOT more and tip it off each time, you will eventually get out of this "Messed up period" of your relationship, and then things will go back to the same old sweet days again. I can almost promise that.
 
Last edited:

jwandoj

Registered
Well Done !
Joined
May 17, 2010
Messages
111
Reaction score
2
Points
0
lol thats an interesting way to think about it.... u back down from 1 fight she will prolly back down from 3, go out of your way once for a smile u will wear one all week.. i like that... its poetic
 

Pegasus

Administrator, PE Gym Editor, PEGym Hero; ,
Staff member
Excellent !
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
41,964
Reaction score
652
Points
133
Just to be the devil and put the other side of the argument.
You are 23years, you can earn money buy cars etc, be sure the relationship itself is worth the trouble. If you work hard at it, but she does not, you will waste more years ,she will get more of the assests you have worked for and you will be older and more bitter at the end of it. If the relationship is worth it and she does work at it, great be happy.
 

RockstarParkingDude

Registered
Well Done !
Joined
Sep 12, 2010
Messages
926
Reaction score
66
Points
0
Location
North East
dont just up your commitment. you need to make it clear that if she wants you, she has to change as well. bring her down a notch. tell her that you will change, if she will too. give her clear defined things that you want her to do to make it work. and spell out exactly what you will do to make it better.

tell her what makes you upset. she doesnt apprecitate you enough. when you do something for her, you expect a thank you. tell her she needs to reign in her temper or your out. if she hasnt got a temper, tell her she needs to start showing some emotion or your out. make her fear of loss. and tell her that you will change to make it better if she will to. but she needs to make you happy - stress that. whether she has gained 20 pounds since youve been dating (as most girls do when they get a bf), tell her to lose it. not that shes fat but she stoped taking care of herself when she got you. tell her she needs to compromise more and if she doesnt get her way not to through a hissy fit.

sit her down and say i want to make this work (if you do) and say heres what needs to happen: i'm going to stop (insert) i'll stay in 5 days a week. i understand i havent been giving you the love you deserve, but this is why. i'll fix it. but only if you will do the same. this is what you do that makes me unhappy - elaborate. now you can fix these little things or be single. your choice.

make it very clear. you love her but she is not perfect. you want her to be the best girlfriend that she can be, and you want the same out of yourself.

this should buy you at laest a month of happiness.
 

RockstarParkingDude

Registered
Well Done !
Joined
Sep 12, 2010
Messages
926
Reaction score
66
Points
0
Location
North East
Bottom line is this: you already made your decision. you are looking for confirmation. if you really want to do, but dont want to hurt her, just do it and make it a clean break.
 

RockstarParkingDude

Registered
Well Done !
Joined
Sep 12, 2010
Messages
926
Reaction score
66
Points
0
Location
North East
lol thats an interesting way to think about it.... u back down from 1 fight she will prolly back down from 3, go out of your way once for a smile u will wear one all week.. i like that... its poetic

i once knew a man from nantucket... is poetic true. poetry does not always reflect reality. you back down from a fight, you lose every one after because she knows she can beat you. she will get everything she wants, and walk on you.

fights are not won or lost. they are elevated. you will never convince someone that they are wrong. even when they know they are. its a pride thing. the only way to "win" a fight is to de-rail it.

"why did you leave dishes in the sink again?"
"because i was out picking up supplies for your surprise party" - at which point you start planning a party

"you're going to the bar again? you spend more time at the bar than you do with me!"
"well i wanted to see my boys, john just broke up with his girl and needs a friend, plus i'm taking you to the amusment park tomorrow"

"why is your ex-girlfriend calling you again?
" i don't know, i havent talked to her in a year"
"well why is she calling you now, i dont believe you"
"how do you feel about puppies? i was thinking about getting one. do you like dogs? i always wanted a labroador, but he'd be too big for the house. whats your favorite dog? we can get a little one if you want"

de-railment. learn how.
 

Pegasus

Administrator, PE Gym Editor, PEGym Hero; ,
Staff member
Excellent !
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
41,964
Reaction score
652
Points
133
dont just up your commitment. you need to make it clear that if she wants you, she has to change as well. bring her down a notch. tell her that you will change, if she will too. give her clear defined things that you want her to do to make it work. and spell out exactly what you will do to make it better.

tell her what makes you upset. she doesnt apprecitate you enough. when you do something for her, you expect a thank you. tell her she needs to reign in her temper or your out. if she hasnt got a temper, tell her she needs to start showing some emotion or your out. make her fear of loss. and tell her that you will change to make it better if she will to. but she needs to make you happy - stress that. whether she has gained 20 pounds since youve been dating (as most girls do when they get a bf), tell her to lose it. not that shes fat but she stoped taking care of herself when she got you. tell her she needs to compromise more and if she doesnt get her way not to through a hissy fit.

sit her down and say i want to make this work (if you do) and say heres what needs to happen: i'm going to stop (insert) i'll stay in 5 days a week. i understand i havent been giving you the love you deserve, but this is why. i'll fix it. but only if you will do the same. this is what you do that makes me unhappy - elaborate. now you can fix these little things or be single. your choice.

make it very clear. you love her but she is not perfect. you want her to be the best girlfriend that she can be, and you want the same out of yourself.

this should buy you at laest a month of happiness.

Gee the number of times I did this ,I should have been happy till 100y. Guys it doesn't matter what they say watch what they do.
You can be as clear as you like it may not matter.
 

Pegasus

Administrator, PE Gym Editor, PEGym Hero; ,
Staff member
Excellent !
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
41,964
Reaction score
652
Points
133
i once knew a man from nantucket... is poetic true. poetry does not always reflect reality. you back down from a fight, you lose every one after because she knows she can beat you. she will get everything she wants, and walk on you.

fights are not won or lost. they are elevated. you will never convince someone that they are wrong. even when they know they are. its a pride thing. the only way to "win" a fight is to de-rail it.

"why did you leave dishes in the sink again?"
"because i was out picking up supplies for your surprise party" - at which point you start planning a party

"you're going to the bar again? you spend more time at the bar than you do with me!"
"well i wanted to see my boys, john just broke up with his girl and needs a friend, plus i'm taking you to the amusment park tomorrow"

"why is your ex-girlfriend calling you again?
" i don't know, i havent talked to her in a year"
"well why is she calling you now, i dont believe you"
"how do you feel about puppies? i was thinking about getting one. do you like dogs? i always wanted a labroador, but he'd be too big for the house. whats your favorite dog? we can get a little one if you want"

de-railment. learn how.

This is childish gameplaying. You got to do this ,start again with a grown up.
 

TTBB

Senior Member
Well Done !
Joined
Sep 18, 2010
Messages
7,795
Reaction score
489
Points
0
i once knew a man from nantucket... is poetic true. poetry does not always reflect reality. you back down from a fight, you lose every one after because she knows she can beat you. she will get everything she wants, and walk on you.

fights are not won or lost. they are elevated. you will never convince someone that they are wrong. even when they know they are. its a pride thing. the only way to "win" a fight is to de-rail it.

"why did you leave dishes in the sink again?"
"because i was out picking up supplies for your surprise party" - at which point you start planning a party

"you're going to the bar again? you spend more time at the bar than you do with me!"
"well i wanted to see my boys, john just broke up with his girl and needs a friend, plus i'm taking you to the amusment park tomorrow"

"why is your ex-girlfriend calling you again?
" i don't know, i havent talked to her in a year"
"well why is she calling you now, i dont believe you"
"how do you feel about puppies? i was thinking about getting one. do you like dogs? i always wanted a labroador, but he'd be too big for the house. whats your favorite dog? we can get a little one if you want"

de-railment. learn how.

oh no do not do this .. seriously when guys try this sh*t with me, it just makes things worse cuz it an avoidance tactic and it compounds the situation ..trust me when i say, he gets called out on it and it makes things a lot worse for him.. esp if he uses sex or my looks as a way to avoid the situation at hand... and if you did that dog thing when i was asking about why your ex was suddenly contacting you .. i would become a dog with a bone and you would be in the dog house for the rest of the night. :)
Woman are not dumb and even if you think you have gotten away with dodging or derailing she is still brewing on the inside and it will come up again and it will come up with stronger emotion behind it at a later date.
 

Editor

Registered
Well Done !
Joined
Sep 17, 2010
Messages
669
Reaction score
13
Points
0
Location
Los Angeles
i think your girl isn't happy and i suspect its because the relationship feel stale, the honeymoon period is over ... You are probably not chasing her or doing sweet things anymore, you are probably taking things for granted and have developed some bad habits... When woman nag and bitch about things its because they don't feel noticed or wanted or VALUED .. the balance between fun and chore aren't lining up.... if she has an issue with you getting drunk on Saturday its because she resents you having fun when she feels she isn't, she resents the attention and time you give to others when you aren't' giving it to her.. if she has issues with your mum doing things or saying things its because she feels you should be a man and step up.
You speak the truth. I can totally relate to this scenario. Hit it right on the nail.
 

MrBigDick

Retired Moderator, PEGym Hero
Joined
Jul 26, 2009
Messages
11,313
Reaction score
260
Points
0
Age
51
Location
Wherever I choose to be.....
Here again is another interesting thread. Made me think alot about my past marriage. I was married for 7 years to a pseudo feminist. Didn't realize it at the time when I married her. I thought it was just some stupid thing she did and when we got married, she'd change. Yeah, no. I realize I made a huge mistake by thinking she'd change during our marriage.

I guess I can relate to many of the comments made in this thread in that it was always MY fault. I was always to blame for everything. My ex wife still to this day cannot admit when she's fucked up and a made a mistake. She's always been that way. She's so convinced that she's always right and everyone else is wrong, especially me. Now that we're divorced, I just tell her to blow it out her ass when she isn't within an ear shot of me saying it. I wasn't a perfect husband, believe me. I was immature, selfish and had no idea what saying "I do" to someone at the altar truly meant. We ended up in marriage counseling and so long as I was the one that the counselor was picking on and chastising, it was fine. But the minute the tables were turned and the counselor started telling my ex what she was doing wrong, we stopped attending the classes. Gee, what a shock. It was ok as long as I was told was a dirt bag I was but the minute she heard things about herself, her female ego kicked in to high gear and the session was halted (yes, you women do have egos).

This all happened about 10 years ago....it's been a LONG time but I remember it well. Even going into court over child support issues, my ex would tell the judge lies to get things HER way in court and once again, in an effort to make me look bad. It's what she does best. And gee, she wonders why I don't like her?? Really?? Of course, the child support hearing was a success. The judge lowered the amount of child support I had to pay so her dragging me into court back fired on her and she's now getting a mere portion of what she was getting.

And I can also relate to being with someone who makes you feel worthless, that your interests and hobbies irritate the hell out of her and that no matter how hard you try, it's never ever good enough and the job I had was never good enough and that I should've been out making more money and that I was "settling" for the job I had.......the list goes on. This is what I lived with for 7 long years of my life until I went to bed one night and I asked myself if I loved my wife and my answer was a very simple "no, I don't".....that was the moment that changed everything for me and my life has been so much better ever since.

If you're involved in that kind of a relationship whereby you are being demeaned, devalued and ridiculed for who and what you are, get out. Life is too short.
 
  • Like
Reactions: INTP