How do you know whether the marriage is working?

[benji22]

Hi all,

I'm really in a confused state of mind at the moment. I have been married for about 1.5 years and prior to that we were dating since 2018. Our relationship has never been smooth sailing, a lot of arguing etc . but we have sort of just worked through it and it has sort of become the norm. As time goes on, the constant bickering is starting to really bother me. I just feel like I get moaned at constantly and cannot do anything right.

I would say I am a fairly well domesticated man whereby I am bringing in most of the household income, and also contributing around the house such as predominantly making meals, washing dishes etc. I am also renovating the house myself and upkeeping the garden on my own (yes these are man duties I guess). But I just feel like I get moaned at for not doing more. Yet I get no help with any of the stuff I do.

Is this a common occurrence in relationships /marriage?

It just feels like no matter how much time passes, we are still two individuals. There is no team work really. There is also a lot of disagreement when it comes to ideology/train of thought and it makes me worry about raising kids. Cause if we aren't on the same page when it comes to raising kids, it will always go in favour of the mother and I will end up bottling up frustration due to disagreement.

We argue a lot. Almost daily. It could be over the most mundane thing. Although it's mainly her just moaning at me the whole time whereas I am more chilled and don't worry about things that are relatively insignificant.

We are still having sex from anywhere between 1 and maybe 3-4 times a month but I would say theres not much intimacy outside of that. She is pretty much glued to her phone when she's not working. And she works two jobs so is hardly home.

I think what is started to come to realisation to me is whether I actually see myself having kids with this woman or not.


On a side note, I struggle mentally with depression, so almost all the time I am struggling to tell the difference between my gut feeling and a bias to negativity due to being inherently quite depressed.

Sorry for the somewhat downer of a forum. Would appreciate any input/opinions anyone may have. I don't really have much family or friends that can give advise

 

[Beef :)]

Only you can make that decision. But what I will say is that it gets harder with kids.

 

[benji22]

Only you can make that decision. But what I will say is that it gets harder with kids.

Why is life so hard although there's people out there in much less fortunate situations than me. But hopefully you know why I mean. Hard to make decisions and seek answers internally.

 

[not2big]

I have been married for 53 years. The first 10 years we rarely had any disagreement worth mentioning. The subsequent 30 years were, for the most part mutual admiration with only occasional disagreements. the last 13 years (without kids) have involved occasional outbursts of complaints involving differences of opinions. But reconciliation withiin an hour or two.

if you are encountering severe issues within 3 years of dating I highly recommend counseling.

 

[BigO]

If it is as you say, then the marriage is not working.

Couples therapy would be my suggestion

 

[CUSP82]

Why is she working 2 jobs if you're providing most of the income and labor?

 

[Pegasus]

Hmm does couples therapy ever work?

 

[BigO]

Hmm does couples therapy ever work?

Not for everybody, sometimes if both want to make it work it can, unfortunately it's rare that both really want it to work

 

[Pegasus]

A big complaint I see from men online is the therapist simiply did not listen to them . Both sexes complain of "bad" therapists.

As stated by O both have to want it to work as a start point

 

[not2big]

Too many people enter a marriage knowing that there are traits they do not like about their partner but thinking they can change their partner’s negative traits. Realistically, the partner will not change their ways. To have a happy marriage you need to know you will have to learn how to live with your partner’s negative traits.

 

[BigO]

Too many people enter a marriage knowing that there are traits they do not like about their partner but thinking they can change their partner’s negative traits. Realistically, the partner will not change their ways. To have a happy marriage you need to know you will have to learn how to live with your partner’s negative traits.

This is very true

 

[akaTrex]

Top 3 reasons Marriage's Fail. Sex, Money, Family/Kids.
Now so so-called smartphones add a whole new damaging dimension to relationships.
People go to dinner and don't talk to each other.

 

[Ronihbbtts136]

In my opinion, you're not in love with each other anymore when you don't even want to touch or kiss each other.

 

[Testicular Acrobat]

Hi all,

I'm really in a confused state of mind at the moment. I have been married for about 1.5 years and prior to that we were dating since 2018. Our relationship has never been smooth sailing, a lot of arguing etc . but we have sort of just worked through it and it has sort of become the norm. As time goes on, the constant bickering is starting to really bother me. I just feel like I get moaned at constantly and cannot do anything right.

I would say I am a fairly well domesticated man whereby I am bringing in most of the household income, and also contributing around the house such as predominantly making meals, washing dishes etc. I am also renovating the house myself and upkeeping the garden on my own (yes these are man duties I guess). But I just feel like I get moaned at for not doing more. Yet I get no help with any of the stuff I do.

Is this a common occurrence in relationships /marriage?

It just feels like no matter how much time passes, we are still two individuals. There is no team work really. There is also a lot of disagreement when it comes to ideology/train of thought and it makes me worry about raising kids. Cause if we aren't on the same page when it comes to raising kids, it will always go in favour of the mother and I will end up bottling up frustration due to disagreement.

We argue a lot. Almost daily. It could be over the most mundane thing. Although it's mainly her just moaning at me the whole time whereas I am more chilled and don't worry about things that are relatively insignificant.

We are still having sex from anywhere between 1 and maybe 3-4 times a month but I would say there's not much intimacy outside of that. She is pretty much glued to her phone when she's not working. And she works two jobs so is hardly home.

I think what is started to come to realization to me is whether I actually see myself having kids with this woman or not.


On a side note, I struggle mentally with depression, so almost all the time I am struggling to tell the difference between my gut feeling and a bias to negativity due to being inherently quite depressed.

Sorry for the somewhat downer of a forum. Would appreciate any input/opinions anyone may have. I don't really have much family or friends that can give advise

I see this is old, but just saw it.
From experience, the problems come from a disordered situation: mainly feminism. Women today believe they are equal to the man, and even superior. It gets worse in marriage-when they think they have equal say in everything.

I had a similar situation... she didn't know how to cook (which is ridiculous) but since I liked to cook, I was OK with it.
She was a "good Christian girl", her family and her always speaking about traditional marriage roles, etc.
We got married.
Well, that was all one big facade...
Soon she started to not do the dishes, and basically started to maneuver to be dominant. Did not want to have sex...

At the time I was still naive... still gave the benefit of the doubt. I set up marriage counseling, tried discussing the issues with her, wrote her about it, joked about it, was serious about it, gave her articles, told her how difficult it was not to have intimacy because I loved her and found her to be so beautiful... I genuinely believed she was going through something and we would work it out.

***I had as an example years before her, when in a long term relationship with a young woman, and we had great sex all the time. Then she lost interest. Didn't want to have sex anymore.
But you know, this girl expressed her frustration, said she wanted to bad but had zero arousal. Sh, on her own, went to her doctor, who discovered she had a hormonal imbalance due to some medication.
The doctor changed the med, and withing maybe a week, she was back to being in the mood very often.***

But my wife just wouldn't do anything about it.
Nothing worked. She only got more and more defiant, and I can say the marriage counseling only made things worse. She just got worse: starting arguments, bickering, gaslighting... she even stopped doing the dishes.
So I ignored the dishes--let them sit in water literally days until the stench was unbearable. That got her doing dishes.
I then stopped cooking for us, and just for me. I told her that if there were leftovers, she could free free to have some-otherwise she could cook for herself or order out.

She went to see her family in another state while I was still working-when she could have waited a week or so and I could have gone as well. There was a reason for that, though...

She went out "with her sister" to eat, and ghosted me until the following morning.
I found out she had gone out on a date with an old male "friend".

When she got back, to make a long story less long, we went for a drive. I addressed what she did. She actually got MORE defiant, and was very sure of herself, thinking I would cave.
So, I took off my wedding ring, showed it to her, and tossed it out the window.

DONE!!!

I wish it was not like that, but UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES can you tolerate a woman, especially a wife, to deny you sex, disrespect you, and especially not infidelity! And infidelity includes emotional infidelity, not just sexual. One time is all it takes. Done and over!
I should have dumped her the first year of marriage,. Instead I wasted ten, thinking she was a good person.

As men we have been conditioned to sacrifice our lives for others, especially wives. The game is to make us simps and cucks.

Marriage these days is the worst decision a man can make: it's like going into business with a partner who is incentivized to cheat you, leave you, and is then rewarded with cash and prizes the YOU pay for.

I thank God I never got her pregnant. My former brothers in law all had kids with her sisters-all of them treat their husbands the same way. And all the husbands are broken simps and cucks. I found out there's one of the in-laws who has - no joke - brought over a guy she is getting plowed by, and has her husband cook for them.

These simps actually tried convincing me not to get divorced because "Love conquers all." They asked me what I had done to make her like that, etc.
I told them all to go pound sand and done.

The MOMENT a woman starts with that BS, it needs to be stopped, COLD. Walk on and leave them to the streets.

Except for the rare, one in a million woman, they all want to control men. They want to dominate. The moment you give in, they lose respect.
And women change men like trading in a used car.
It may take a man years or a lifetime, being naive, to forget a woman. A woman will forget her last man the moment she finds another one.

Sucks that life is like this, but the only way you can really be happy and keep a relationship is by being willing to walk away at the drop of a hat.

 

[a random x]

Sorry , old post l suppose but how have things been panning out anyway op ?
1st up l'd like to know what her highness actually does with you doing just about everything else plus working ?
Your not married to her to be her housewife man, she's gotta do just as much as you. ls she working and what are her hrs compared to yours ?
But man, the arguing , the moaning at you and bickering on top , v little intimacy and so l'd be thinking v little affection or showing of love in day to day either, if any actually but you suffer from depression , my God sorry man but that's all the worst combo you could possible get in a marriage for yourself. Even aside from your MH though, she just sounds like a terrible wife anyway l'd say if a man didn't have MH problems he'd probably end up with them anyway being with her especially with all the arguing on top of things. But again even with just the constant arguing alone man, you just don't even get along even aside from the rest anyway.

Have to agree with testi above l'm sorry to say but l'd be planning my exit before kids and everything else come along .

 

[not2big]

54 years later and we still occasionally argue and sex is few and far between, but we still have fun together more than we argue and laugh a lot when things do not go as planned.

 

[Haursen]

As a Christian, I realized that marriage is a covenant, and we work through issues together through prayer and communication. I do my best to remind her that we are a team constantly, and I also realized that marriage counseling is not worth it. I went another route (bought a marriage program), and this helped me instead.

 

[Testicular Acrobat]

Best resource for marriage that I have seen are two books:
~The Case For Patriarchy by Tim Gordon
~Ask Your Husband by Stephanie Gordon