Betrayed by my emotions

TheGreatDivider

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I fell in love with a girl I met online who's completely wrong for me. Very sweet girl, but not ready for a relationship. She's going through a bunch of hardships right now, two deaths in the family in two weeks, a breakup with a toxic ex two weeks ago, some problems that require therapy. I have been talking to her for four months and been there for her giving her a lot of emotional support and encouragement while she was struggling. I never intended to have feelings for her the just happened and were mutual for a while. We planned on meeting soon but things fell through.

Then she got a crush on some jerk who's just like her ex last week. I could tell she lost interest in me at that point and I wasn't about to chase her. So, I left her on good terms yesterday to recover my feelings and get over her, and to give her space to pursue this guy if that's what she wants. It's just a crush that won't last but I needed to do this for me. I'm not too torn up over this, I'm just disappointed that I let my emotions get in the way. She could have left me at any point and I would have been just fine. I'm used to this happening and don't take it personally. I just got too caught up on the idea of her. Despite everything I'm still working out hard, going to work, and working on myself but I need to start dating others.

I hate this "nice guy" feeling but that's really who I am at the core. I'm treat others well, but I don't act nice to get things in return. I still care about her and want to be her friend again when I'm over her because I really liked her that way and would prefer things stay platonic. I don't hate her or anything for this or want to leave forever. I actually understand the psychology fairly well and respect her boundaries, as she does mine. She's still contacting me asking if I'm okay and if I need anything. Not the first time this has happened but the first time where the girl and I had a good friendship before.

My plan is to take 3-4 weeks off from her and work on some things I've put off, pick up a few new hobbies, apply for another job. My current one isn't giving me enough hours. And go back to college for a class I need to get out of the way to finish my degree next year. Been working out and making great improvements in strength and size but I haven't been taking my diet too seriously and need to cut some fat. So that's what I need to work on too. I will be okay.
 

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I fell in love with a girl I met online who's completely wrong for me. Very sweet girl, but not ready for a relationship. She's going through a bunch of hardships right now, two deaths in the family in two weeks, a breakup with a toxic ex two weeks ago, some problems that require therapy. I have been talking to her for four months and been there for her giving her a lot of emotional support and encouragement while she was struggling. I never intended to have feelings for her the just happened and were mutual for a while. We planned on meeting soon but things fell through.

Then she got a crush on some jerk who's just like her ex last week. I could tell she lost interest in me at that point and I wasn't about to chase her. So, I left her on good terms yesterday to recover my feelings and get over her, and to give her space to pursue this guy if that's what she wants. It's just a crush that won't last but I needed to do this for me. I'm not too torn up over this, I'm just disappointed that I let my emotions get in the way. She could have left me at any point and I would have been just fine. I'm used to this happening and don't take it personally. I just got too caught up on the idea of her. Despite everything I'm still working out hard, going to work, and working on myself but I need to start dating others.

I hate this "nice guy" feeling but that's really who I am at the core. I'm treat others well, but I don't act nice to get things in return. I still care about her and want to be her friend again when I'm over her because I really liked her that way and would prefer things stay platonic. I don't hate her or anything for this or want to leave forever. I actually understand the psychology fairly well and respect her boundaries, as she does mine. She's still contacting me asking if I'm okay and if I need anything. Not the first time this has happened but the first time where the girl and I had a good friendship before.

My plan is to take 3-4 weeks off from her and work on some things I've put off, pick up a few new hobbies, apply for another job. My current one isn't giving me enough hours. And go back to college for a class I need to get out of the way to finish my degree next year. Been working out and making great improvements in strength and size but I haven't been taking my diet too seriously and need to cut some fat. So that's what I need to work on too. I will be okay.
Umm so this is not your gf you have never even met .
Umm it is a girl isn't it I mean the net and all .
 

TheGreatDivider

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Umm so this is not your gf you have never even met .
Umm it is a girl isn't it I mean the net and all .
True, and yes.

Definitely a woman and who she says she is.
 

TheGreatDivider

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Thats a start.
 

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have you considered meeting and dating someone with few isues?
 
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TheGreatDivider

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That's the plan
 

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Dude that post resonated with me. I've been in a few similar situations and decided to respectfully let go but end on good terms. It's tough but when you feel like it's the right thing to do it makes it easier in the long run. It also shows her you are mature and can handle your emotions well. There have been time where I chose to move on on good terms with someone and months or years later they just randomly pop back in your life and you kinda just pick up from where you left off.

You're doing the right thing, just keep working on you and improving your life and when you feel ready, jump back out there.
 

TheGreatDivider

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How will you change to accomplish it?
Get my head on straight and not worry about it.

I always meet girlfriends when I'm happy and doing fine on my own
 

TheGreatDivider

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Dude that post resonated with me. I've been in a few similar situations and decided to respectfully let go but end on good terms. It's tough but when you feel like it's the right thing to do it makes it easier in the long run. It also shows her you are mature and can handle your emotions well. There have been time where I chose to move on on good terms with someone and months or years later they just randomly pop back in your life and you kinda just pick up from where you left off.

You're doing the right thing, just keep working on you and improving your life and when you feel ready, jump back out there.
I have had so many of them come back after thinking that the grass is greener, or after dating some abusive bf or ex bf. I just treat women well and when things end I am mature about it and smoothly walk away. It's very rare for me to want to continue a friendship with them or talk to them again though.

I have this personal saying, "No pressure, no worries" when it comes to relationships. I don't pressure women to be with me and I don't take much of anything personally. If she gets FOMO and leaves or wants to pursue a crush, like this, I just bow out and cut my losses quickly. It's not like there isn't hundreds of millions of other women out there so it's not that big of a deal.
 

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Hey! I hope you are hanging in there, is spite of the turn of events.

Not the best feeling in the world I imagine. You feel for her, and maybe she feels for you as well... but for whatever reason she just isn't ready to move forward. And unfortunately, that is where this story ends... for now. It's great that you're able to keep your door open, in case you decide to renew your friendship later on, but in meantime taking time off from her as you suggested is probably the best course of action right now.

What can help in the healing process is perspective. It's much easier for me to look at the big picture... since I have ZERO feelings involved! So one thing I could suggest if you want to exercise perspective, is to go on some relationship forum and provide your own perspective to someone who is going through a similar hardship. It's amazing how one can suddenly see a situation with crystal clear acuity when there is no desire other than wanting to help someone out. But when romantic feelings are involved, it's just a lot harder to see it.. and especially, to accept a bad outcome.

Final note: I wouldn't worry about the 'nice guy' thing. I actually prefer labeling it as "a man with kindness". 'Nice Guy' has been coined about 10 years ago as a general thematic of an insecure man who displays nice and proper behaviors as an underhanded way of impressing others to obtain favors or consideration from them. If no-name self-help authors want to take it up and exploit the 'Nice Guy' theme to make money or a career off of it... that's their thing. But a man with a heart, or a man with kindness is something entirely different. If this is you, then never worry. The right lady will come along... it is only a question of when.

Much love,
 

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Yeah the minute you try to control the relationship to make it work is the minute the relationship takes control of you. I too just keep the flow natural and if it's meant to be then it will. Doesn't mean that it doesn't require work and effort but you shouldn't have to make someone like you or want to be with you by changing who you are or using manipulation.
 

TheGreatDivider

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We talked for a bit today, I feel a lot better about the whole situation. I had to reassure her that I'm not mad at her and I'm not doing this to punish her. I need to give her space to be with her crush and get her needs met by him and not the both of us. And I need to get over my crush on her so I can be her friend later. It's just a rebound relationship she's using to get over her toxic ex that won't last more than a few months, and will probably end just as badly. This is something she's never experienced before and I have to give her her freedom to go through it.

Normally I wouldn't even bother with being friends with an ex crush but I care about her as a friend. We talked all the time before this and I helped her talk through some personal problems. She's returned the favor many times too. Her psychologist and her parents know about me and a lot of what I've done for her, that's how deep this goes.

With that being said I told her I needed about three weeks of no contact and left. She has my number in case of emergencies. We have friends in common she can go to that will notify me if something is wrong. And her parents have my number.
 

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I definitely think space is the right choice right now. Sometimes people don't see what's in front of them because they're blinded by other things. I agree to not try to force it, I believe in the natural approach and the right person at the right time won't need to be forced.

I myself was in a toxic relationship with a guy and had male friends who had a crush on me that ultimately went no where, even though I did like them in return. For me, I think it came down to me being scared because I had the belief that I didn't deserve someone that good to me. Maybe she has the same thoughts? Not sure, but definitely don't stop being a kind man because in the end that goes way further.
 
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TheGreatDivider

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I definitely think space is the right choice right now. Sometimes people don't see what's in front of them because they're blinded by other things. I agree to not try to force it, I believe in the natural approach and the right person at the right time won't need to be forced.

I myself was in a toxic relationship with a guy and had male friends who had a crush on me that ultimately went no where, even though I did like them in return. For me, I think it came down to me being scared because I had the belief that I didn't deserve someone that good to me. Maybe she has the same thoughts? Not sure, but definitely don't stop being a kind man because in the end that goes way further.
This update is a little late, but I gave her space and the freedom to be with this other guy and she ended up breaking up with him to be with me shortly after. She was having a mental breakdown over her some losses in her family, which occured one after another, and was in need of medication at the time. I was a little hurt by this but I was ready to walk away and live my life without her. She returned to normal after being on antidepressants and seeing her therapist.

Now, I don't know what to do about her. She's been deeply depressed on medicine, pulling away from me, and acting snippy. I've talked to her about it and she's just miserably depressed and hating herself. I feel like she's taking me for granted because I've always been nurturing and supportive with her and now I'm getting aggression for it. I do feel like she doesn't think she deserves people being kind to her. I'm giving her space and pulling away, but if this keeps I'm I am going to leave her for sure.
 
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BigO

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I dont mean this in a bad way, but shes got some issues and the only thing she needs is time.

You sound a lot like the guy who fixes birds with broken wings. Definitely an admirable quality.

In this case, the best way to fix her or help her may be to find someone else. She may be the one later but from what I've read,, shes bringing a lot with her......fine if you've been in a long relationship but not a good way to start one.
 
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TheGreatDivider

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I dont mean this in a bad way, but shes got some issues and the only thing she needs is time.

You sound a lot like the guy who fixes birds with broken wings. Definitely an admirable quality.

In this case, the best way to fix her or help her may be to find someone else. She may be the one later but from what I've read,, shes bringing a lot with her......fine if you've been in a long relationship but not a good way to start one.
No offense taken. And that is somewhat how I am with everyone. Friends often call me when they're panicking and I can quickly calm them down and make them feel better. It's my gift.

I talked to her yesterday and figured out she's just really bipolar. Not something I can't handle, but she's not ready for a relationship with me. I'm a really great guy and I expect the women I date to at least have it mentally together.

I'm working on getting ready to date again I just don't have it in me to try right now. I'm always so exhausted between work, working out, and studying.
 
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TGD - happy to see you still around these parts. Like me, I had to take a break from the forum for various reasons to concentrate on personal stuff (broken back, unemployed, etc.). But as I recall from several years ago, you keep finding the odd ones that are almost there but have a dark halo around them that prevents you from moving forward with them. You obviously are a nice guy, so not sure why you have this cloud hanging over you. First I just though it was because you were older attending college with younger people. But it had carried on after your studies have for the most part been put behind you. For some reason, I think the nice guy, shoulder to cry on, here to help, approach to meeting people may be your downfall. Lead with you and who you are, not with the "I can help you" mentality. It may be one and the same, but I sense you are leading with the wrong foot forward.

"She" is out there somewhere. Everyone has vulnerabilities, if you latch on to those up front, you will continue to be friend zoned in the process. Instead, lead with your wit, your charm and your zest for life and ask her along for the ride. Show her life is fun up front and even more fun with you in it.
 
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