20yrs marriage, she cheats....

irwinr89

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Like it says, she felt that I wasn't paying enough attention or complimenting her.... (which I agree to a small extent) but work is tough and demanding, she doesn't tell me she was frustrated and decides to step out with some guy....lasted a month and I caught her, she dumped him right away and wants me to forgive her and says she'll do anything for me to save our marriage.
They had oral both ways and sex, it doesn't bother me terribly but the guy was 7'' am like 6''....she doesnt admit there was anything different or better, that he was actually lousy and older, not as hard....the whole thing very emasculating...horribly
Am having a harder time with the lying and betrayal than anything sexual, am not sure what to do, we have 3 kids, 10, 12 and 16 and their lives would be hurt the worse from divorce....this sucks, never thought she could do this....plus I make like 4 times what she does, I'll get screwed no matter what....my life will nevernever be the same....thank you.
 

Dangler

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A thought -

You both, together maybe, get marriage counseling. Perhaps it will take you both working together, to restore trust, and restore your relationship.
 

Party

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OMG I'm sorry 89. My wife has lied to me often too. Not about other guys but money, debt. It's a relationship killer in either case. I know your pain is fresh and raw but you need to decide if you can and will forgive. My parents divorced, I told myself I'd never put mine thru that. I haven't and things with her are great now. I know it mite not work for you but try to talk with her, deep breaths, no anger. Be calm.
 

Coconutz

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Man this sounds terrible!
Dont even try to think about his dick.

I have seen alot of bad things, but man you must be devestated!

Again, dont try to overthink this situation, you will just hurt yourself, its not only about this topic.
Your marriage have way more problems then this.

I wish you the best, I cant tell you what you should do, quit the marriage or live with it..
Hard situation.
 

MarchSalami

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Life with kids is hard. Together with work and other commitments it is hard to keep the flame alive.

I understand how much it must hurt to have her go behind your back. Whenever I have felt that my wife has been ready to move on, I have told her: " You are free to do whatever you want, just tell me first."

I would try to mend the marriage. Good luck! And feel your pain...
 

jockinthebox

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I can't offer much other than advise you to not act out of anger; but to stay calm & consider your next move carefully. You've got 3 kids, all fairly young, that will forever be affected by your decisions. One additional thing to consider however, is whether the "other guy" is also married. If so, it might make a "clean break" much easier to enforce, by meeting with him and warning him if it ever happens again, his wife will be your first phone call.

Marriage counseling should be your SECOND move, if your wife is a willing participant agreeable to mutual goals of mending BOTH your marriage & your family. Some couples DO emerge from sexual infidelity stronger than ever. It takes BOTH of your mutual commitment to restore respect & love for one another as well as to repair the familial boundaries you should both desire to instill in your kids. Good Luck, brother.
 

Undead

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I can't offer much other than advise you to not act out of anger; but to stay calm & consider your next move carefully. You've got 3 kids, all fairly young, that will forever be affected by your decisions. One additional thing to consider however, is whether the "other guy" is also married. If so, it might make a "clean break" much easier to enforce, by meeting with him and warning him if it ever happens again, his wife will be your first phone call.

Marriage counseling should be your SECOND move, if your wife is a willing participant agreeable to mutual goals of mending BOTH your marriage & your family. Some couples DO emerge from sexual infidelity stronger than ever. It takes BOTH of your mutual commitment to restore respect & love for one another as well as to repair the familial boundaries you should both desire to instill in your kids. Good Luck, brother.

i agree with most except the calling the guy part...
 

Party

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i agree with most except the calling the guy part...

Ya, I gotta agree with that too. The other guy is outta the picture now if the marriage is going to survive. So don't bother with him.
 

akga80

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Hey man, sorry to hear that. I'm glad you are not wrapped up in the whole penis thing. All I can say is don't do anything permanent, meaning no rash decisions. If counseling is not a step either of you want or can afford, I'd have real blunt conversations with her, about her expectations and yours, and coming together collectively to move past her transgressions, and to start over together or separate. Gotta have everyone's cards on the table, nothing left out so you can rebuild. And I'm with Jock on the guy thing except I wouldn't call him I'd call her, why let him get away unscathed, ruin my life I ruin yours.
 

MrsLooking4more

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I am sorry to hear this has happened to you, it happened to me in a a previous relationship and it happened with my parents. My parents worked it out and stayed together, I can tell you that it was never the same after my Dad stepped out on my mom. I can not tell you what to do, every relationship is different and in your case you have young children involved. Do they know what happened? Believe me even if you didn’t tell them, they know.

As an adult now, I can tell you that while they were reconciling and going to counseling, things got so bad at home, that many times I wished they ended the marriage. It was hard living in the mist of them. Funny enough after we all married an moved away they got divorced and are now best friends. You just never know, I wish you and your family the best of luck while dealing with this.
 

jockinthebox

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The point of meeting with the other guy is not so much to "threaten"" him, but to retain a trump card to assure this never happens (with him & your wife) again. Nobody wants to be ruined financially (which is the result of divorce for many), to say nothing of the embarrassment brought on his kids if he has them. Without knowing everyone's familial situations, it's difficult to advise. Only YOU can decide what's best in YOUR circumstances.
 

Party

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The point of meeting with the other guy is not so much to "threaten"" him, but to retain a trump card to assure this never happens (with him & your wife) again. Nobody wants to be ruined financially (which is the result of divorce for many), to say nothing of the embarrassment brought on his kids if he has them. Without knowing everyone's familial situations, it's difficult to advise. Only YOU can decide what's best in YOUR circumstances.

Well, if he needs a trump card to hold over his own wife then the marriage is over. There are plenty of other cocks out there to screw. She needs to be committed to his, and his alone.
*
 

akga80

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This is a little insensitive and I don't want to hijack this thread, but I honestly don't know why you would give two shits about that dude and his problems, if my wife cheated on me with another married man, you bet your sweet ass I'd at his house the next day telling his wife all about him and his transgressions with my wife for the last month. Seriously fuck that dude, play stupid games win stupid prizes. Hey man sorry to rant like that on your thread, but this overly sensitive sh*t bugs the fuck out of me, I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life you have enough going on if you need anything let me know, I'm on pretty often.
 

donkeehote

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First off. Sorry to hear about this. It might make sense to take some time to yourself to clear your head while this is raw. Ask her to respect your need for space if you need it. Maybe talk to a counsellor to get some things off your chest.

She will say all kinds of sh*t to make it your fault Im sure. I wouldnt put much stock in it unless she is owning up to her actions. You need to decide what is best for you. Only then will you have some idea which way to move forward. Whichever way forward, the relationship has changed so dont lose sight of that. And dont make any rash decisions until youve had a chance to think some things through.

All the best brother.
 

donkeehote

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WTF she measured his dick? How would she know he is 7". I wouldnt put much stock in that. Women say all kinds of sh*t to ness with your head when they want.
 

discreet

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Hi,

If you decide to give it another chance, go see a lawyer first and see if it's possible to draw up a legal contract stating something like if she cheats again, she waves her right to spousal support and any support will be at your discretion as you may choose to support her for a bit. Child support is ethically mandatory in my opinion.

Also the kids choose who they wish to live with.

I'm not trying to demonize your wife and it takes 2 to tango however sometimes there really is a faulty party.

Also the story teller has control over the narrative.

I'm not saying either way and just wanted to state that.

I've known some marriages to survive and thrive on this sort of diversity and others, like MrsLooking4More has stated are worse off.

But being around a miserable parent(s) can rub off on children.

I sometimes say that the worst thing that can happen to kids are there parents.

PS Apology in advance if this rubs you the wrong way, not my intention.
 

amp11220

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^^^^^^ That is definitely the most sound advise ever.

It protects yourself and your children.

Wish you a clear mind and strong heart.
 

TheGreatDivider

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You know that contract won't hold up in court.

There's loophole some spouses have used to weasel out of a prenup/postnup by claiming they signed it under duress, intoxication, or otherwise not being of sound body or mind.

I know, I know, it's a copout but it's a regular hail Mary go-to move for POS spouses who want to get out of their marriages and demand alimony payments.
 

TheGreatDivider

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I will also add that marriage counseling is not what you think it is. A lot practices are pretty gynocentric and will take the wife's side over yours. Because most divorces are filed by women and wives going to marriage counseling do not want to hear how they are at fault. Not all of marriage counselors are like this but be prepared to be double teamed by the therapist and hour wife at the same time. You're going to have to agree to a lot of BS before she will admit to her share of the blame.

If things aren't working out don't fall for any claims of her not knowing how to feel, waiting to see how she feels, or the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speak which can come in many forms. If she acts like she's committed to reconciling but won't go to counseling, talk about marriage problems with you, or go through with a divorce then you have to file. She could be fence-sitting for years and hooking up with other guys on the down low while giving you the I hate you don't leave me treatment. No one wants to be the bad guy and file for divorce but you don't want to raked over the coals in court.

Reconciliation after cheating requires absolute transparency. You need to have access to her passwords, key-codes, and cellphone so you can trust her again. Pay close attention. Trust your gut instinct and write down any incidents that raise red flags with you, like of she tells you she is going to the store for milk and it takes her 4 hours and she comes back with a bottle from a gas station. Unless she is open and honest with you then you cannot get your marriage back on track.

Lastly, stop asking questions you don't want to know the answer to. If your wife cheated on you just assume fellatio, cunnilingus, multiple sexual positions, and orgasms from both people were involved and leave it at that. Unless you're asking for the results of an STI test, which would be a great step towards building trust, you don't need to know everything she did only that she cheated and is remorseful. Also don't badger her with questions if you can help it. It's one thing to feel hurt and ask for clarity, it's another to keep asking her for every little detail. That's just going to make her feel like sh*t and not want to tell you about her feelings, which is the opposite of what you want.
 

akga80

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Great is pretty right, I went to marriage counseling, it was horrible. The counselor and my wife telling me how bad I am and what I need to do. And the crazy thing is he never asked me a single question, it was like the twilight zone, 5 sessions of twice the amount of bitching. If I ever have to go back if the counselor starts like that I'll probably walk out, it sucks getting berated for a solid hour and actually have legitimate concerns that you don't get a chance to voice. So be weary of counseling, it's not always the answer. Not saying don't go, but if I were you I'd go alone to feel out the guy or gal to figure out if there is going to be some sort of bias, and talk with them about your expectations of counseling, and what topics need to be focused on, not saying you are an angel, but you are the victim here, not her, and you surely don't want to walk into a session and come out the bad guy and her the victim because you can't cut the tears on and off at will.