When it comes to friends with benefits, is it true that nice guys finish last?

kelthuzad1986

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I had the following conversation with my former friend with benefits.

Her: Any women who tells you she can fuck you without getting attached either has someone else they're trying to hook up.with or else they're... LYING our brains just don't work like that wether we like it or not we are too emotional we can't do it. Which is why the men who get laid are "jackasses" because you can't care AND not care at the same time it won't work.

Me: So you're saying because I don't have the right mindset it doesn't work for me?

Her: Exactly... Nice guys finish last because they aren't willing to play the game because their well... Nice

Thoughts?
 

Phoenix7672

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I consider myself on the nicer end of the spectrum, and there has been a few girls in my past I could have hooked up with, who clearly wanted more when I really didn't. I could have used them/tried to push them into a FWB arrangement, but it would have went against my moral code.

Now if a girl is willing/also into it, I don't think I'd have a problem. Sure, she might get attached down the road as could I, but there is no way to know for sure. I also do think guys are wired more for FWB than girls are, and like your friend said 9 times out of 10 the reason they are ok with it is because they are hung on some ex, too busy with work/other aspects of life for a relationship, have other issues, etc. Again not saying all of them are, but I do feel a large percentage of them likely could be.
 

kelthuzad1986

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She was basically saying that because I'm not an asshole who will take advantage of a woman's interest in order to get laid the chances of me getting sex outside of a serious relationship are slim to none.
 

SuperDD

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She's basically right.

Also if you look at the guys women actually have sex with vs the kind of guy they claim they want, you will notice they aren't fucking the nice guys.

Nice guys are good for women once they have already laid the bad boys, had a few kids & he ran off. Then a stable "nice guy" who will come along & be willing to have sex on her terms and spend his money raising some other mans kids start to look pretty good.

So yea, I believe she is telling you the truth. If you want to bone women with no commitment you have to be out for yourself.

Women are emotional & that's gets their juices flowing.
 

popol5169

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She is just talking about herself in the name of all women.
She is also talking about the fact she wanted more with you.


Anyway , you had sex with one and only one woman and it wasn't in a serious relationship.

So she is wrong.
 
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BigO

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I think there's a whole lot more to the psychology of it than that, but maybe that's her view of it. And, she's kind of projecting that on the whole.

Do nice guys finish last? No. We just do things differently.

Does being nice mean you'll get laid less? Not necessarily, but it may not be what certain girls are looking for at certain times. This may give the appearance that jerks get it more. Different needs, different people, different learning stages, different interests.

Let's be honest, even friends, without "the benefit", carries some emotion. If you like someone, that's an emotion.

But if you're the kind of person who needs a deeper connection for sex, or has the intent of a relationship when it comes to sex, then quick flings may not work for you.
 
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MrB8

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She's basically right.

Also if you look at the guys women actually have sex with vs the kind of guy they claim they want, you will notice they aren't fucking the nice guys.

Nice guys are good for women once they have already laid the bad boys, had a few kids & he ran off. Then a stable "nice guy" who will come along & be willing to have sex on her terms and spend his money raising some other mans kids start to look pretty good.

So yea, I believe she is telling you the truth. If you want to bone women with no commitment you have to be out for yourself.

Women are emotional & that's gets their juices flowing.

This has been discussed many times before. :)

So what the hell is the issue with being nice??


Nice Guy Syndrome


The whole "Nice Guy" and "Bad Boy" debate


And we need to be clear on the terminology. :)
 

SuperDD

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True.

To keep my reply more focused to his question, I'd say yes, she was right by saying you can't be concerned about a woman's feelings for a FWB situation because more times than not women will get attached (if you are any good, because if you are, you're obviously paying attn. to her needs, which may get misconstrued)
 

havenots

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Yes it's true. My GF says so too after I asked her the same question. Says FWB is obviously better with bad boys than nice guys in quite a few ways.

Nice guys are often considered keepers.

According to many of my female friends it's

A gentleman outside
A bad boy in the bedroom.

I keep hearing this. And according to them this works with FWB too. Smooth, classy outside and bad and naughty and uninhibited inside.

I think all you need is confidence and integrity and ofcourse be willing to have fun in life but I'm not a women so I could be very wrong. LOLs
 

Qandisa

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Nope, I have to say she's wrong. And to me you can tell that she's young just from the fact that she's said it.

I don't WANT to have sex with the jackasses because they're, well, jackasses. I want to have sex with guys that will care about me as a person. But that doesn't mean that they're going to want a relationship, or that I'm going to want a relationship with them.

To me the big question is this - would I hang out with this person to watch movies or whatever, in a non-romantic way, outside of sex? If the answer is yes then that's perfect for a FWB. If the answer is no then I have to ask myself why on earth I would want this person touching me if I wouldn't even watch a movie with them. People tend to forget that the F in FWB is for "friend". If you're not willing to actually be friends with the person then it's not a FWB, it's just someone you're fucking.

I've had, and still have, several FWB. I'm not looking to get into a relationship with any one of them. I am definitely more attached to my main FWB, and that still doesn't mean that I want a relationship with him. It means I value him as a person and I care about what happens to him. And you know what? That just makes me even more motivated to want to pleasure him as much as possible.

The guys that are actually interested in me as a person - that want to actually engage in conversation, that ask how I am and actually care about the response, that talk to me about the other aspects of their lives - get moved to the top of the list. My main FWB and I texted for 6 hours the other night and most of it wasn't about sex. The jackasses - like the guy I was with once whose subsequent texts were comprised solely of one-liners like "yo, you gonna suck my dick tonight or what?" get ignored and never invited back again. Nice guys take priority.

You can care for someone as a person, and as a friend, and not as a long-term romantic interest and still want to have sex with them. It's not called "playing the game", it's just called life.

(ETA: and just to be a bitch about this - all my FWBs have and always will wear condoms, if they don't play safe they don't play with me, period. Just had to say it.)
 
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lil-crazy

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Qandisa i don't care to have many FWMB (friends with movie benefits) but I would watch a movie with you anytime!!
 

Jay1983

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I'd say it's true, because I'm a nice guy and I've never had a FWB

:frusty:

Guess I should become a prick.

:pound:
 

Bigdaddy55

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I had the following conversation with my former friend with benefits.

Her: Any women who tells you she can fuck you without getting attached either has someone else they're trying to hook up.with or else they're... LYING our brains just don't work like that wether we like it or not we are too emotional we can't do it. Which is why the men who get laid are "jackasses" because you can't care AND not care at the same time it won't work.

Me: So you're saying because I don't have the right mindset it doesn't work for me?

Her: Exactly... Nice guys finish last because they aren't willing to play the game because their well... Nice

Thoughts?

She's right. Unfortunately there is a game. I didn't create it, but I can play it. The game is most definitely made by women. We're too simple and one track minded to create it. Girls will always get attached. I have always found that to be the case. The girls that I didn't care about would almost always gets attached at some point. I wasn't necessarily an asshole, but I was apathetic and it seemed as if that attracted them more. On the few occasions where I might have cared or when some of the girls I dated and we tried to have a relationship, i got accused of being too nice, so I went back to being an asshole. It works. It's what the women wanted, so it's what I gave them.
 

Bigdaddy55

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She was basically saying that because I'm not an asshole who will take advantage of a woman's interest in order to get laid the chances of me getting sex outside of a serious relationship are slim to none.

Funny how a woman's mind works isn't? She wants you to be an asshole, but then you're an asshole. You're nice and you are a clingy idiot. I'l take asshole with a side order of pussy for $1000 Alex.
 

longerlastingnoob

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Some nice guys may be more susceptible to getting emotionally involved but that can happen with anyone aswel. And some not nice ( or bad) guys may be just putting on a front. I only had 2 girls who I considered fwb and one was great the entire time then we stopped but are still friends. The other wanted more but I was seeing a girl who I later got serious with and that ended badly, but had I not been seeing the girl I got with I possibly would have gotten serious with her. No i don't think it's true.
 

islander

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Fwb only works short term for a female to get over a hurdle. And only with a man she doesn't consider a keeper. Someone she already knows she can't or won't fall in love with cuz he's not packing inside stuff she wants.

I don't consider it gross. It can work for two people who like each other and are attracted to each other but have other stuff going on. A filler.
 
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Qandisa

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It can work for two people who like each other and are attracted to each other but have other stuff going on. A filler.

Isn't that what FWB is though? An arrangement between two people (friends) that they're going to have sex but not date, for one reason or another? Either because one isn't emotionally available to date, doesn't have time to, etc. It can even allow for that sense of intimacy without having the added pressure of dating involved.

I've had FWB that I loved, but knew that dating was out of the question. One of them was because I knew he was going to be moving away and there was no way I was going to move. One of them lasted off and on for 2 years. My current main FWB has been 9 months so far and it will probably only end when life gets too complicated for us to find time to continue it.

I think as long as both parties go into the situation with the same goals and expectations then things should be fine. And I still can't agree that nice guys finish last in the FWB scenario and that jerks get laid more. They might have sex with more women, just because after one or two times no woman will have them back again ;)
 

Phoenix7672

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From the male side, I have to agree with Qandisa, as I've only ever been interested in FWB if I would actually want to be friends with them. The only reason it doesn't become an actual relationship is either due to different goals/priorities in life. To sleep with someone and not want to do 'friend' things with them as well is essentially a FB and not a FWB, and something I've never been all the comfortable with.

That said, I have never been able to pull off a FWB yet in life, since 9 times out of 10 the girls I have seen want a full blown long term relationship (and won't have sex outside of one). If there is a mismatch, either they aren't interested due to the above, or I'm not interested long-term, and would have to completely take advantage of them for sex, which is something I haven't been willing to do.
 
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downthere

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Cool thread and an interesting read. I've never had a FWB and I'm not sure how I would handle it. :confused: